Never knew I could experence so much stress

[AHIWON]

Yeah, trying to tie up some lose ends here then hit the road. It's such an emotional roller coaster. Fine for a bit, then really sad for a while. Endless loop.

 

Will be pretty much getting rid of all my worldly possessions isn't a nice thought either. All my tools ect. I have to be able to keep one of my German Shepherds. I have 2 but I have an even stronger attachment to the male. Raised him from a puppy, did all the training myself, he is special beast to me. Both dogs are registered to me only but SO thinks she can simply take them. Tries to say I am kidnapping them. They aren't children even tho she thinks they are looked at the same way in the courts. They are not, they are looked at as property in a CL relationship. My property. I don't mind if she takes the female but I get to decide what happens in this instance. She wants the male GSD as much as I do.

 

 

Been reading Divorce Busting. See a lot of similarities to my relationship in there. Wish I had something like that 20 years ago. Like many others before me, I jumped into relationships without the right instructions.

[jmargel]

I have 2 german shepherds in my name and if my wife even thought she would have a chance at taking them I would do everything possible to see that those dogs go with me. Especially with shepherds the bonding that happens between owner & dog is unmatched. That female belongs to you as well, so when you go take them both.

 

When my ex-fiancee left my shepherd went into like an anxiety attack. Just self-mulating herself. Of course the vets thought it was from allergies to mange but after about the 5th visit they came to the same conclusion as myself. Took a few months before she would stop staring out the window waiting for her to come back home. It's hard for dogs because they don't know why you are gone, they just know that you are.. and that you will be back. Unfortunetly that's not the case here.

[AHIWON]

Yeah both GSD's mean a lot to me. I do want them both, just not sure I will able to do what I need to do take care of them. I haven't cleared it with my sister about taking them there. Then afterwards I will likely be renting for a while before I can buy another house. Renting and dogs can be a problem with many landlords. Especially two big GSD's. The male GSD was raised from a puppy and trained by me. He is smart as a whip. The following year his dad became a Grand Champion. His entire pedigree is that way and it shows in him, he is a beautiful dog. The female I got when she was 7 years old, got her from a GSD rescue group. Owner who was a real head case left the country and the dog all alone in his house. I picked her up from her own home. Initially I was just supposed to foster her till a "forever home" came available. About a month after that some people were inquiring about her and I had grown too attached at that point. Ended up adopting her myself. The male is now 9 years old, the female is 10.

[AHIWON]

SO is now blaming everything on verbal and mental abuse. All from me of course, she doesn't have any part in that according to her. I won't call my self an angel by any means, I will argue but don't insult or try to hurt. I've been asking her to break this cycle of arguing and insults and disrespect for ages. Doesn't matter who started it just stop it. There is only one occasion I said something to deliberately hurt her and it did. What I told her was true but it's the kind of thing you wouldn't tell someone, it really doesn't matter. It would just hurt someones feelings and serve no other purpose. I did it to let her know what it felt like to have someone say things like that to you. I am the target of stuff like it all the time. I felt really bad for saying what I did and apologized almost right after I said it. I apologized numerous times after that too. I felt really bad and knew it was wrong no matter what. I shouldn't have done it.

 

I am now really thinking about things I could have done that would fit into an abuse category. I wonder if it's a bad idea to ask her what she thinks I did that was abusive. I just want to listen, don't want to debate any of her points. It would be of no use. If I am abusive and not seeing my own behavior, I sure would like it pointed out so I can do something about it.

[Gunny376]

SO is now blaming everything on verbal and mental abuse. All from me of course, she doesn't have any part in that according to her. I won't call my self an angel by any means, I will argue but don't insult or try to hurt. I've been asking her to break this cycle of arguing and insults and disrespect for ages. Doesn't matter who started it just stop it. There is only one occasion I said something to deliberately hurt her and it did. What I told her was true but it's the kind of thing you wouldn't tell someone, it really doesn't matter. It would just hurt someones feelings and serve no other purpose. I did it to let her know what it felt like to have someone say things like that to you. I am the target of stuff like it all the time. I felt really bad for saying what I did and apologized almost right after I said it. I apologized numerous times after that too. I felt really bad and knew it was wrong no matter what. I shouldn't have done it.

 

I am now really thinking about things I could have done that would fit into an abuse category. I wonder if it's a bad idea to ask her what she thinks I did that was abusive. I just want to listen, don't want to debate any of her points. It would be of no use. If I am abusive and not seeing my own behavior, I sure would like it pointed out so I can do something about it.

 

You'll be doing this for the rest of your life, and you'll be finding answers everyday for the rest of your life, its called learning, growing, and maturing.

 

But, in the meantime don't be sitting around "would have, could-have, should-have~ ing yourself. Its a never-ending merry go round, and gets you nothing, achieves nothing, accomplishes nothing.

 

The one and only true way to stop the arguing, name calling, finger pointing, and blame game is to dis-engage yourself. You won't win ~ but winning and being right isn't your objective. The only way to win this game is to refuse to play it.

 

Time to take the High Road and be the better person ~ be the better man, let her rant and rave all she wants about who's at fault, who's to blame. Seperation, divorce, call it what she wants ~ I'd be calling it quits.

 

I'd take the dogs with me, and anything else that was mine. You'll work out the logistics of it once you get there to where you're going. They've got kennals, and you might have to compromise in order to find a place that allows dogs. Just my two cents worth, on that.

[AHIWON]

Yeah, I gotta find a way to keep my dogs. Gotta stop turning over rocks looking for answers too. The answers if I even get them just end up creating more questions which leads to nothing more but pure madness.

 

I finally went to the bank today to pull many years of history for my chq. account. I usually keep paperwork for everything but have been trashing my bank statements. Live and learn. Lawyer will need it to prove what I've paid for. Gonna take about a week to get it. $5 a month per statement. Crazy. Gotta document my contributions to our assets, should photograph everything in the house including opening each drawer and taking a pic ect. Then I'm getting the hell out of here.

 

The papers for the dogs have gone missing. They have been in the same location since my male GSD was a puppy. They were there about a month ago. Original paperwork for the car that is mine but in her name is missing too. Damn document fairies must have taken them! Looks like somebody is trying to pull a fast one and cause trouble. Game for sure but I ain't playin'.

[Gunny376]

Yeah, I gotta find a way to keep my dogs. Gotta stop turning over rocks looking for answers too. The answers if I even get them just end up creating more questions which leads to nothing more but pure madness.

 

I finally went to the bank today to pull many years of history for my chq. account. I usually keep paperwork for everything but have been trashing my bank statements. Live and learn. Lawyer will need it to prove what I've paid for. Gonna take about a week to get it. $5 a month per statement. Crazy. Gotta document my contributions to our assets, should photograph everything in the house including opening each drawer and taking a pic ect. Then I'm getting the hell out of here.

 

The papers for the dogs have gone missing. They have been in the same location since my male GSD was a puppy. They were there about a month ago. Original paperwork for the car that is mine but in her name is missing too. Damn document fairies must have taken them! Looks like somebody is trying to pull a fast one and cause trouble. Game for sure but I ain't playin'.

 

Oh its not a game ~ for sure and certain.

 

Remeber what I told you about the chess analogy ~ sounds like she's two or three steps ahead of you ~ some women plan this out two, three years ahead ~ all the while having the man thinking that all is right with the world.

 

With your latest post ~ I would say that along with the abuse accusations, that she's about to drop the bomb on you. Get out the phone book, call all the lawyers around your hometown ~ drop names ~ yours and hers both. When you've find one that says that can't represent you ~ BAM ~ you know.

 

On the other hand, if she's not talked to a lawyer, but you've talked to all the ones in town ~ they can't talk to her. Whooooohaaaaaahhhhhaaaaa!

[AHIWON]

She just called, ain't coming home tonight and doesn't know where she is going. Already talking about the money she will need for a lawyer. She has threatened the lawyer stuff before. It isn't new. Since eary january.

 

Ever since back in Dec, it has been over according to her. All doom and gloom. Just a trickle of answers, plenty of lies and hostility, insults ect. That was just before I found out Ted was in the picture.

 

Asked her about "missing" paperwork and she just plays dumb. Just asking "what do you need the paperwork for the dogs for?"

 

I already have a lawyer picked out for myself. SO knows him. Personal friend for the last 15 years or so. One of the few friends I have left. Too bad he is an hours drive away and there is a big storm started here. I've only informed him by phone last week. I have to meet face to face once I have my financial info.

 

SO has become a bit more agreeable on asset division. She isn't saying everything is hers anymore. Agreed to give me what ever I've contributed towards the mortgage plus 50% of the increase in value. That part is fair, never thought she had it in her. Also offered to let me take all my tools. Also agreed to let me have MY car. I'm kinda shocked, very different than her previous thoughts on that.

 

Household stuff we bought together she wants it all. Furniture, everything. She still wants both dogs. Not fair. Also all the home improvement stuff I've done here. Some of it is major work. Installed a basement door where there was none, new bathroom in the bsmt, new kitchen in the basement, finished a shell of a garage into a nice garage, stonework in the backyard. Main floor of the house has all been done in slate. Kept all our cars on the road, none have ever been touched by a mechanic. Even bigger stuff like engines/transmissions. There has never been a repairman to our house for anything, if/when something was broke and I didn't know how to fix it, I'd figure it out and get it done. I can do anything with plumbing, electrical, carpentry, appliance repair. Kind of an odd mix for a IT person but thats me. I'm yet to meet anyone else in my field that does anything like that. Some of that has to be worth something. My lawyer seems to think it is. SO thinks its worth nothing.

 

Just for the hell of it I asked if she planned on on jumping into another relationship right away. She said maybe. I mentioned why it isn't a good idea just for her personal well being. Not anything to do me or us. I won't be ready to even date for at least a year, never mind thinking of another relationship. It would be just setting your self up for another failure.

 

Again I'll say good luck Ted, you are gonna need it. If he only knew what he was getting into...... And thanks for providing me the chance to get out of this mess. I needed that push. I've been in denial over how bad this is for years. Kinda tried to avoid the pain I knew I would feel when it's all over. Was hoping to fix the impossible. The hurt is worse than I thought it would be but I'll be much better in the end.

[AHIWON]

Well it's been almost 24 hours since I've cried. A good sign I hope. The reality of the situation is starting to set in. I think it's going to get rough as I see some of my possessions start to leave our house and things start to empty out. Not the actual objects that matter. It's seeing my life being dismantled piece by piece as I head into the unknown. My life I had hoped and dreamed of sharing with my SO disappearing before my eyes. There are times I feel like abandoning everything, grab the dogs and just take off but I rationalize with my self that doing that would just be denial. I have to deal with this no matter how hard it seems. I keep telling my self it will be ok, things will get better and I will be happy again. I'm sure it will but right now I feel so sad. I'm not usually one to wish my life away but right now I would love to be 1 year down the road from this time.

[AHIWON]

She is being immature and treating you like a teenager treats their parent. As long as you tolerate this, it will continue to get worse. Best thing to tell her is 'Fine, I am getting my lawyer and I refuse to be treated like this anymore. You have disrespected me and treated me like garbage for too long.' Then just ignore her.

 

In any relationship right from the start you need to set boundaries that if they cross means it's a deal-breaker. There are somethings that you should never tolerate and total disrespect is one of them. This is nothing you did to cause her cheating, she did this due to her immaturity. She'll continue to blame it on you because that's what she knows.

 

It's time to make yourself happy again with someone who will appreciate you.

 

We did make boundaries years ago. One of them was either of us was never to start a close relationship with the other sex. I never did. She did but lied about it. Several times.

 

The other was that she shouldn't go to work with her boobs hanging out and an extremely short skirt. Show some respect. I've seen how men comment on women like that, call em office sluts, say things like she's easy and the list goes on. Female management look down on them and they are never appreciated for who they are, just a chick with boobs. Didn't ever want my wife painted with the same brush.

 

She didn't have any boundary requests herself.

 

She agreed to both of those boundaries and broke them both without even trying to discuss moving the goal posts.. No respect at all.

[AHIWON]

Update:

 

Went away for a bit and spent some time with a sister.

 

Saw my IC for the first time. He seems cool. Very professional and hit all the right spots. I mentioned this fourm, as few of the books I read and he told me I was resourceful. Pretty much undersood those would be skills I would use in my next relationship. I asked him to look for any signs of problems with my personality or anything else and he told me I seemed perfectly normal considering what was going on in my life. I have to be able to tell him what I want to accomplish by seeing him for the next session. I am over the worse part of my separation. I haven't cried for over a week. I'm not sure what I would need him for now, maybe a month ago he would have been helpful.

 

Visited some distant family this last saturday night. My great grandfather had 2 families cause his first wife died young. This group was my great grandfathers 2nd family. My ancestry is from his first. It was the best time I've had in years. All these decent people right under my nose and I never knew they were here. I have distant cousins my age and they are all great people. Never met them before in my life. I was passed many complements thru out the night. The females were hitting on me like crazy and trying to set me up with their friends. I'm not ready for that yet but it sure helped lift my spirits. Everyone seemed so interested in me. They made me feel important. They outright told me I was important and why. They all functioned like a normal family too which was a welcome sight. I've not experienced anything like that in years. I will defenately keep in touch with them all. Solid people. I got a picture of my great grandfathers house too which I believe is the only one in existence. I passed on copies to my immediate family and they were all just as thrilled as I was to have it.

 

I'm going to go visit my sister in Seattle soon. Gonna see if I like that area and if I do then I'll live there. So many opportunities have opened up for me, I'm not sure what to do. It feels good to be free again tho. Where ever the wind takes me is where I end up.

 

I've only told 3 of my sisters what is going on in my life so far. They were all very understanding and willing to help any way they could. Still haven't told my parents. Gonna have to tell them soon. It's going to be hard on them and they just had to deal with the divorce my younger sister went thru. Her XH was a prick about the whole thing too.

 

The pain is still there but wow what an improvement over the last couple of weeks. I'm starting to shine again. Iv]e accepted whats happened and what I've learned from it, but it's time to move on. AMPing it up.

 

I have some rough moments coming up tho, the day I step out of my house for good is going to be a hard one.

[AHIWON]

Let me get this straight? And, see if I can't wrap it around my head.

 

1. She's got this male friend name Ted

 

2. She goes out and doesn't come home, calling and telling you she's going to stay at a GF's place that you don't know, and have never meet.

 

3. She's perfectally willing to put her marriage with you at risk

 

4. She's prefectally willing to put her job and carrer that she invested years of time, effort, energy, and money in getting in the first place

 

5. She lies to her mother about you're having been divorced, and smoking?

 

6. She refused to go to MC?

 

What part of this train wreck of a marriage aren't you getting?

 

 

I now see the train wreck for what it is and more. I notice every little piece of broken glass and and the broken twigs. Lots of detail.

 

I've come to terms with myself that it's OVER and I will have a MUCH better future because of it.

[AHIWON]

SO spent last night here. She is still very angry. Still controlling and abusive too, or trying to be. I will have none of that. Not once was she able to make me mad or get a rise out of me but how she tried.......

 

I told her to get an IC and work on her self esteem cause it is low just like mine was. She sorta listened too which I found kind of odd. She noticed mine had jumped quite a few notches and found it strange. I told her I felt better than I have in years and it was true. I did and still do. Everybody else is noticing it too. I have some of my drive, my passion back. I also mentioned the reason why my self esteem has picked up is cause I went onto learning about myself and my center to interpersonal relationships, she went on to continually saying "I'm miserable" between bouts of abusing me. And she is still so angry. I told her she can't hurt me anymore no matter what she says or does. I hope she gets the help she needs. I'm going to keep on the path I have started.

 

 

One of my distant cousins I mentioned earlier and I have been in touch for the last week. Tough lady indeed. She's my age with 2 kids and got out of an abusive relationship. Put herself thru college, completing in 2.5 years instead of 3. Graduated at the top of her class. Now happily remarried with a new child and a career. Thats awesome. For her strength and her new successful life.

 

Kinda cool even on a different level too, I also graduated at the top of my class in college. My SO saw it too, we met doing the same course and a co-op together. I couldn't move without 20 people wanting my attention. Some were users but some were smart and wanted to learn. I did help lots of those folks that just needed a hand. I'll always do things like that as long as I live. A big part of who I am.

[AHIWON]

Before I forget, something I got a chuckle out of from my SO. I didn't laugh right in front of her or anything but I had to look away after I heard it. She said if I take the dogs then she is keeping all the dog toys and leashes cause she will need them for her new dogs!

 

Angry as ol' hell but gotta have them dog accessories! There are more serious issues at hand. Guess her lawyer edumacated her on the property rights of pets. No more saying they are her dogs.

[AHIWON]

I'm still hanging in pretty good. No relapses and no really sad days. Could this be some kind of false sense of confidence? I was a write off a month ago. Hard to believe where I am right now in comparison. It seems like it happened too fast. I really feel better than I have in years.

 

I have to tell my IC what I expect to get out of our sessions tomorrow. I've been thinking about it a lot but have not come up with a good reason(s) to tell him. What kind of things could I get out of IC? I am not paying out of my pocket for this so even if it's some minor benefit, I'll take it.

 

SO is still really angry and abusive. I don't like seeing her like that and wish there was some way I could help. Her IC told her she doesn't need any further counseling so she doesn't have much to fall back on right now. All she had was 1 session. My guess is she told the IC a bunch of lies and never got to any of her issues. She defenately has issues but I don't want to be the one to point them out. She won't listen to me at all. Not sure if I can help in any way or if I should just completely stay out of it. I am not bitter towards her or angry at her. I expected earlier on that I would hate her forever but that isn't the case at all. I know she has done some awful things to me thru the years but my feelings right now are almost neural toward her. I find that a bit odd for me.

[AHIWON]

Saw my IC for the last time today. Only 2 sessions but he thinks I don't need any more. Assured me that I am perfectly normal considering what I've been thru and am coping well. I did bring up the fact that there is a huge improvement in how I feel now vs just a month ago. That worried me a bit and he said that it could be an indication of being bi-polar. Considering I did go thru a bout of depression. I never have before so there is no pattern of up and down mood swings between feeling really good about myself to depression. He told me to keep that in mind and I will. I think it's just the relief of ending an extremely bad relationship that made me feel lower than dirt. I'm out of the dirt now and I won't let any body take me there ever again. Never.

[AHIWON]

Went to a sports bar last night with a friend for a game of pool, never actually played (it was busy) but while outside having a smoke we ran into a rather interesting character. It was cold but he was just wearing a t shirt and says he does stuff like that all the time. Said he was hot. I was chilled while even wearing a winter jacket. He seemed friendly enough at first but wow did his mood flip around many times in just the time it took to smoke a cigarette. First he told us that he had a brain tumor in remission for 6 years, then 3 heart attacks, then he mentioned being bi-polar. He is only 39 years old! He got extremely upset when he mentioned that when his father died, all the stuff supposed to be left for him was taken away by his sister. He went in and out of angry - happy episodes several times. I felt bad for him. I wished him the best of luck and to take care of himself. I got kind of nervous too, he seemed unpredictable and possibly dangerous.

 

The only reason I mention this is because of the bi-polar thing my IC brought up yesterday. I have never experienced mood swings like that ever.

[MoonGirl]

Saw my IC for the last time today. Only 2 sessions but he thinks I don't need any more. Assured me that I am perfectly normal considering what I've been thru and am coping well. I did bring up the fact that there is a huge improvement in how I feel now vs just a month ago. That worried me a bit and he said that it could be an indication of being bi-polar. Considering I did go thru a bout of depression. I never have before so there is no pattern of up and down mood swings between feeling really good about myself to depression. He told me to keep that in mind and I will. I think it's just the relief of ending an extremely bad relationship that made me feel lower than dirt. I'm out of the dirt now and I won't let any body take me there ever again. Never.

 

 

Hmmm...doesn't sound like bipolar to me. I have 2 bipolar people in my life, and when unmedicated (and even sometimes while medicated) they have huge swings between depression and mania. During the manias they do many strange things like spend all the money they have, crash cars, try to convince me to change the world with them, etc.

 

Being depressed is normal after the loss of a relationship, and getting over that depression at some point is also normal.

[AHIWON]

Thanks for the reassurance.

 

I've never engaged in reckless activity like that. I think it's more of me questioning myself after the things my SO has said. She has changed her song and dance so many times over the last 3 months about what is "wrong" with me, think I'm just going to write it all off as "FOG TALK" as Gunny put it. I'll remember that term for the rest of my life.

 

 

SO has stayed here for the last 3 nights in a row. I've been trying to avoid her as much as possible like going out ect. It is more comfortable when she isn't around. Just knowing she is in some other part of the house feels uncomfortable. She is taking digs at me but mostly I just ignore her. If I do say something, it's mostly "stop abusing me, you are wasting your time, can't hurt me anymore"

 

Strange what goes thru the mind of someone like that. She absolutely refuses to believe she has been abusive in any way shape or form. Blames me for ruining her life.

[Gunny376]

"Fog talk" is a term I picked up from "The Lady" ~ Lady Jane

 

You don't come across as someone that's BP, you come across as someone who's going through a martial breakup ~ if that's not enough to make you feel crazy ~ I don't know what is. Check out the book ~ "Crazytime" its in paperback and cost less than $6.

 

Also check out this site:

 

http://www.coping.org/grief/letgo.htm#What

 

Orginally posted by boshemia on the self improvement fourm.

[RecordProducer]

AHIWON, bipolar is a serius mental disorder. As MoonGirl pointed out, the manic state includes some very strange instances of behavior. Regarding the despressive part, you already know what it is, since you suffered from clinical depression. Simply feeling OK then feeling down in the same day doesn't make you bipolar.

 

Regarding your case with the woman, I think she might have gotten tired of putting up with your depression. I know it sounds cruel and even insensitive of me to say it, but it's important for your own comprehension and peace of mind. If you have ovrcuome the depression recently, you might find relief in the thoought that you can start from a scratch with someone else without the emotional difficulties standing in between.

 

13 Years is a long time to just break up; it's 13 years of habit, company, sharing good and bad, love, friendship, etc. But it's also 13 years of dealing with problems and character flaws - and in your case - with depression. I know many couples who have split due to depression. Just like it was difficult for you to live in your mind, it was difficult for her also to live with your mind. Depressed people tend to drag their compagnions down with them. As much as you need support and love while depressed, unfortunately the people around you would gladly get away from you.

 

Regarding the fact that you just came out of depression and now she did this... there's a saying: I just taught my donkey not to eat - and it died.

[AHIWON]

Gunny, I'm going to pick up that book. Been looking at that site since yesterday. Someone posted it in one of the threads in this fourm.

 

RP, we had problems way before I ended up with depression. I could never get close to her no matter how much I tried. I really wanted that deep intimate connection but could never get it. I've since learned that is a common tactic of an abuser. Getting close means loosing control so they will have no part of that. Makes sense now, I didn't understand why then.

 

I came out of depression some time late last summer. I was still pretty broken with self esteem ect. but the depression was gone. It has not returned, even thru this terrible break up period. Last december I set out one more time to integrate what I thought were normal components of a relationship into place. I was better and damn it I was going to stay better too. It blew up horribly, I did some things right, made a bunch mistakes but I got out of it what I needed to know. The relationship was a write off. This fourm was the keyboard up side of the head that I needed to knock some sense into me.

[RecordProducer]

I've since learned that is a common tactic of an abuser. Getting close means loosing control so they will have no part of that. Makes sense now, I didn't understand why then.

Hmm... very interesting conclusion!

 

It blew up horribly, I did some things right, made a bunch mistakes but I got out of it what I needed to know. The relationship was a write off. This fourm was the keyboard up side of the head that I needed to knock some sense into me.

Can you elaborate more?

[AHIWON]

This thread has most of it. What part(s) are you wondering about?

[Guest]

I am no longer able to log as I was before, as H viewed my entry and he is looking for any posts to it now. AHIWON, I feel so many of the same things that you are, but I am only beginning this journey.

 

Strange what goes thru the mind of someone like that. She absolutely refuses to believe she has been abusive in any way shape or form. Blames me for ruining her life.

 

He says I ruined a good man.

[quote=AHIWON

I've since learned that is a common tactic of an abuser. Getting close means loosing control so they will have no part of that. Makes sense now, I didn't understand why then..

 

He tells me I am the one that is incapable of being close, as my childhood was warped and without love. BTW, this is lala.