boshemia Posted February 23, 2007 Share Posted February 23, 2007 I've been seeking advice here off and on since 2004, reading other peoples posts you get the feeling that abusers never really stop abusing. Has anyone here recovered from their abusive ways? Does anyone know of someone who has? Everyone is capable of change, if they work hard enough at it. So why not abusive people as well? Link to post Share on other sites
MoonGirl Posted February 23, 2007 Share Posted February 23, 2007 Good question. Yes, SOME abusers can change if they WANT to. However, I think they are HIGHLY unlikely to change if they stay in the same relationship with their current victim. The pattern has already been set in that relationship (abuser/victim), and I think it would be hard to establish new boundaries. First, you'd have to get at the root of the problem: why does the abuser abuse? Does he have low self-esteeem? Is he jealous? Does he lack vital communication skills? Most abusers have a hard time taking responsibility for their actions. They have an excuse for everything and blame everything on their victim or other people. So, first they really need to be aware of their problem. This was what my husband could never overcome. I told him he was abusive over and over again. He did not understand and really believed that everything was my fault and that I deserved his reactions. Link to post Share on other sites
Ariadne Posted February 24, 2007 Share Posted February 24, 2007 Hi, I think people only change when they go through a traumatic experience. Say, to be in the twin towers on Set 11, being in a war, losing someone very close... situations like that. Ariadne Link to post Share on other sites
CardPlay3r Posted February 24, 2007 Share Posted February 24, 2007 Very rarely it seems, it must be a mental disorder for them a screwed up sense of reality...they'd have to look within themselves and realize they're screwed up individuals and want to change themselves at all costs which is probably one of the hardest things for anyone to do Link to post Share on other sites
bonehead Posted February 24, 2007 Share Posted February 24, 2007 Some do change, but not many. Anger management helps some. If they are a drunk abuser then breaking the alcoholic pattern can help. The biggest thing is THE ABUSER has to WANT to change. Thats where the problem is, most abusers do not see themselves as abusers. Link to post Share on other sites
MoonGirl Posted February 24, 2007 Share Posted February 24, 2007 The biggest thing is THE ABUSER has to WANT to change. Thats where the problem is, most abusers do not see themselves as abusers. This is true in my experience. My husband could not come to terms with the fact he was an abuser. Only now is he emailing me questions about how I think he abused me. I find this absurd, since I can't fathom how, after millions of conversations he still doesn't "get it." And, then, I also can't fathom how it's not just obvious. I mean - when you beat your wife, how can you not see that as abusive? Probably because it "was my fault." There's just something not quite right about how their brains function. Link to post Share on other sites
Author boshemia Posted February 24, 2007 Author Share Posted February 24, 2007 I guess you could ask that question in many situations... Do cheaters ever stop cheating? Do liars ever stop lying? Do thieves ever stop stealing? Do rapists ever stop raping? They really do have to want to change, but in order to want to change they payoff has to stop paying off first. Abusers get what they want by abusing, and even when one person leaves because of the abuse... there is always another one waiting in line. Link to post Share on other sites
Craig Posted February 25, 2007 Share Posted February 25, 2007 I guess you could ask that question in many situations... Do cheaters ever stop cheating? Do liars ever stop lying? Do thieves ever stop stealing? Do rapists ever stop raping? They really do have to want to change, but in order to want to change they payoff has to stop paying off first. Abusers get what they want by abusing, and even when one person leaves because of the abuse... there is always another one waiting in line. I don't know about cheaters, liars, thieves or rapists but some of the research I've done and from direct contact with survivors appears to indicate that some abusers are wired differently. The result is that some abusers can be prescribed drugs like an SSRI antidepressant and an anti-seizure drug and experience some decrease in abusive behavior. I do believe that some abusers can change but their numbers are very tiny indeed. The chances of an abuser changing are so small that I would always advise anyone involved with an abuser to leave them forever. boshemia, you were abused and you are a survivor. It was not and could never be your fault or your responsibility for what someone else did to you. Link to post Share on other sites
JoL Posted February 25, 2007 Share Posted February 25, 2007 About 2 years ago I had a boyfriend who was very emotionally, verbally and mentally abusive- he had habit of terrorising me for whatever reason he could think of that particular week/day/month. He didn't see his behaviour as being a pattern or a problem..even when I dumped him and told him I never wanted to see him again- he didn't understand WHY I thought he was an abuser. From my observations, almost ALL abusers I have heard about have had a very messed up childhood (in different ways). I guess things we are brought up with are so deeply ingrained in us by the time we are adults that it is VERY hard to reverse years of being moulded. We are so impressionable as children- perhaps this has a lot to do with why abusers are sometimes simply unable to change? Link to post Share on other sites
Author boshemia Posted February 26, 2007 Author Share Posted February 26, 2007 I'm not going back anytime soon or anything, it's just that since we split up almost a year ago he has been making consistent changes in his actions and reactions. We still have a long way to go before I can trust him or anyone else again. I don't know if he can change himself enough for me to ever be able to develop a truly intimate realtionship again, but I'm figuring out now that the important thing is learning to trust myself again, to trust my gut, and to speak out when I feel things getting tense. I've changed a lot, I actually believe that I deserve to be treated with love and respect, and that I have the right to be happy too... so maybe his ability to change isn't nearly as important as my ability to change. Link to post Share on other sites
Raleuse Posted February 26, 2007 Share Posted February 26, 2007 I've changed a lot, I actually believe that I deserve to be treated with love and respect, and that I have the right to be happy too... so maybe his ability to change isn't nearly as important as my ability to change. I posted a similar question on someone else's thread about being both abusive so I find the answers on yours pretty interesting. It seems, reading what you say above, you are pretty much in the process of healing. I do hope you can find someone who treats you like you deserve and that when you do, you will let us know (so that I can hope too). I'm still in the denial phase - still trying to convince myself I'm right or rather he's wrong (see my thread under Friends section). I hear (read) everyone telling me to get out while I can. I have read so much on the subject (abuse/borderline/narcissism/etc.) my head would spin and I would feel emotionally exhausted. But I still find it hard to accept (can't really) that such a lovely young man can be so messed up he doesn't realise what he does. In his case, the parents are partly to blame (and probably their own parents). A violent/alcoholic dad and a depressive mum who let him believe everything he wants should be his (even people). The things he tells me when we argue are such acurate descriptions of himself (rather than me to who they are directed tho I'm not perfect of course) I often wonder how he can be unaware of it... Somehow, somwhere he must know. Yet, as everyone said, yesterday when I told him I would do him a small favour (I know...) but that he should not take this as a sign he can be abusive again he just repeated that he's not abusive - has never been, that I'm the oversensitive/unstable/moody one. Link to post Share on other sites
MoonGirl Posted February 26, 2007 Share Posted February 26, 2007 In his case, the parents are partly to blame (and probably their own parents). A violent/alcoholic dad and a depressive mum who let him believe everything he wants should be his (even people). The things he tells me when we argue are such acurate descriptions of himself (rather than me to who they are directed tho I'm not perfect of course) I often wonder how he can be unaware of it... Somehow, somwhere he must know. Yet, as everyone said, yesterday when I told him I would do him a small favour (I know...) but that he should not take this as a sign he can be abusive again he just repeated that he's not abusive - has never been, that I'm the oversensitive/unstable/moody one. You're making excuses for an abuser, and there are NO excuses. Ok, so IF he knows he's abusive...so what? IF he doesn't know...the outcome is still the same: He abuses. It is not your responsibility to make him aware or to get him help. Your responsibility is to protect yourself. He is blaming YOU, making YOU feel responsible, and is seriously altering your view of reality by doing so. Please pick up a book by Patricia Evans regarding verbal abuse. It will give you some insight into how verbal abusers control their victims. Living with an abuser is HELL on earth, being married to one is worse, and having children with one is even worse. The more trapped and helpless you are, the greater the abuse will become. Trust me, I've been there. Do yourself a big favor and get rid of this guy. You don't deserve to be abused. Link to post Share on other sites
Author boshemia Posted February 27, 2007 Author Share Posted February 27, 2007 I understand where you are coming from, since you know I can relate. There is a specific set of behaviors that define an abuser. It's not just that they abuse... it's about power and control. They control their lives by blaming others for the things they can't control. While they have a specific set of behaviors, you do as well. Many victims of abuse learned these behaviors as children but some just learn them through years of living with an abusive partner. We are good girls, and we've been well trained in how to look, how to act, and even how to think. We aren't even sure if we can trust our own thoughts sometimes... I've had to learn a lot about how the psychology of both people works, and it's just now starting to make sense. People in abusive relationships have a problem confusing pity with love, and saying things like "His parents are to blame" keep you stuck... I don't think it's something you can really overcome on your own... a competent counselor can help, but even after reading dozens of books and a year of therapy sometimes I still feel the need to sabatoge my progress... I'm learning, but like anything else it's an ongoing process and you are never really THERE... you just keep learning. First and foremost... love yourself enough to truly believe that you deserve to be treated with love, respect, and honesty... Link to post Share on other sites
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