boshemia Posted February 24, 2007 Share Posted February 24, 2007 Abuse is a confusing term, and sometimes I just don't feel right about calling everything I've been through abuse. As a child I was molested by eight people, though no full sexual contact occured there was oral sex and penetration with fingers. Through my first marraige there were times when he would grab me by the throat and warn me to get control of myself when I argued with him, and once he did slap me. He didn't call me names, but any and all problems in our marraige were due to my mental instability according to him, and of course I believed him. He did have numerous affairs that were also my fault. By the time the last one occured, I didn't care anymore. About 2 months after I left him I was almost raped, everything but the penetration. The guy was pulled off of me at the last second. Two weeks later I met my current husband... the first two years were wonderful. Then he started drinking heavily... He never hit me, and he didn't call me names. Sometimes the things he said hurt me, he's never cheated on me... and I know this for a fact. His moodiness is a big problem, because sometimes when he is mad he snaps and others he refuses to speak to me. He was arrested twice on violent offenses, once for DV because he kicked in the front door and scared me, it was frightening but he didn't hurt me. Just scared me. Then he spanked my son, and left small bruises on his lower back. I turned him in. I wasn't willing to lose my kids over him, and I felt that my son deserved to see me stand up for him. I left him and put my son in counseling, well the whole family actually. So when I talk about abuse, most of the damage has been emotional rather than physical. I know my life hasn't been the greatest, but I always tell myself it could be much worse. There are women all over the world being beaten and all I've had to deal with was some moody people, some intimidation, and emotional abuse. What do you think? Am I minimizing? Am I making a big deal out of nothing? Playing the victim? Playing the martyer? I just don't know sometimes... Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted February 24, 2007 Share Posted February 24, 2007 OMG..I've read your posts and you don't know if you are coming or going. Why don't you spend some time alone and work on YOU instead of worrying about the latest abuser in your life? Link to post Share on other sites
CardPlay3r Posted February 24, 2007 Share Posted February 24, 2007 I think you are minimizing...you have the right to your own body and mind noone has the right to use them at their whim. You've been through multiple sexual and emotional abuse, it's too bad people blame themselves and try to push it away as no big deal....though you've done great in getting away from it and reporting them. There will always be someone with "worse" problems, hard to have the worst life in the world....doesn't mean you should let everyone do what they want with you, what you've been through shouldn't happen to anyone period Link to post Share on other sites
MoonGirl Posted February 24, 2007 Share Posted February 24, 2007 You are definitely minimizing. I did this too, and I think, for you, your perception of abuse is really off since you had been abused as a child. I was not abused as a child, so there was a huge discrepancy between how my childhood played out and how my marriage played out. I was able to recognize that what my husband was doing was not right. Please know that minimizing things will only hurt you. I often minimized the abuse I suffered. I would think things like, "I'm just lucky he doesn't beat me every day," "I'm lucky he brings home a nice paycheck and we live in a nice house," "it could be MUCH worse" etc. I felt terribly guilty for calling what I was experiencing "abuse" because I know that many women have lives MUCH worse than my life. Emotional abuse IS abuse, and can be more damaging than physical abuse. In fact, I found it much easier to forgive my husband for hitting me than for verbally assaulting me. The things he said to me have stuck with me, made me painfully aware of my "faults", made me self-conscious about silly things, etc. Calling what you have experienced "abuse" will help you overcome what was done to you and help you realize that it was not your fault. You don't have to martyr yourself or play a perpetual victim. You can be a strong woman who sees things for what they are and you will be that much better off to avoid the same situations in the future. BTW, congrats for standing up for your son. Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted February 24, 2007 Share Posted February 24, 2007 Good God. A spanking means a swat on the butt, not bruises on the back. I'm gonna be the the one to say this. If you go back to this guy maybe the kids need to be taken away from you. Congrats on turning him in but why on earth would you let anyone around your kid like that? You are teaching them abuse is OK and that's how you solve problems. If you choose to live like that that's your choice but you have no right to subject children to that type of atmosphere. It's far better to come from a broken home than to live in one. You yourself were abused as a child. Don't you wish someone would have stepped up and protected you? I find this whole situation shameful and disturbing. If I was with CPS I'd be investigating the whole family. Link to post Share on other sites
Author boshemia Posted February 24, 2007 Author Share Posted February 24, 2007 Standing up for my kids will never be a problem for me, regardless of what I call the experiences in my past I know that they damaged me and that they affect my life now even though I am in my mid thirties I remember what it was like being a child and having to live with all of the pressure. I look at them and realize I can't change my past, but I can try to give them what I always wanted. My kids are my life, and I want the best for them. It just sounds so whiney sometimes to say victim... of course the word rape wouldn't pass my lips either until I found out I wasn't the only one. Then suddenly I couldn't deny what he had done to me either... I'm working on it... somedays I just want to go back to the denial, but somedays I can actually feel the growth inside of me. I can see my perceptions changing, I can hear myself saying no, and it feels good. It's a very strange situation to be in for me... but I like the changes I have made so far... I feel stronger, and I actually like who I am. Link to post Share on other sites
Craig Posted February 25, 2007 Share Posted February 25, 2007 you are a survivor not a victim. . . . I can hear myself saying no, and it feels good. The power of "no." I'm glad you are discovering it. It's a very strange situation to be in for me... but I like the changes I have made so far... I feel stronger, and I actually like who I am. What's not to like? Link to post Share on other sites
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