Shocking news about husband

[challa]

I'm sorry if this gets long, I really need to connect with someone on this issue. I don't know where to turn and I feel lost.

Background: I have been in a relationship with my husband on and off for 18 years, since we were teenagers. We have been married two years in April. We have three children, and although things have never really been easy, we had gotten to a good place in the last few months. Well, on Valentine's Day I found out through talking to him that when we were seperated a few years ago he slept with my sister. Not once, but more than once. I am devastated to say the least. My own sister. I immediately told him that I wanted a divorce. If he hadn't kept this a secret from me I would have made different decisions in the ensuing years. I certainly never would have been intimate with him again. I feel like they have both stabbed me in the back. My sister was my best friend and now I have cut all ties with her. I am planning on moving out in the next week or so. I just can't get the image out of my mind. I can't eat or sleep or find any peace. Not only am I suffering, but my kids know something is wrong. I don't have anyone to talk to.

In your opinion, is this forgiveable? Could you eventually get past it? I am beyond sickened by it, the details. They did it in my own house. Am I over-reacting or being unreasonable? I need insight badly.

[Jinxx]

Wow -- you're own sister. That is pretty twisted.

 

I have three sisters and I can't even begin to imagine what that would be like.

 

I don't think you are over reacting at all. Have you thought about counselling?

[challa]

I just don't know what to do. I feel like it is hopeless and if he really loved me he would not have done that to me in the first place.

[AHIWON]

Affairs are complicated and even more so when family is involved. Especially your own sister! I feel really bad for you and hope you will draw your strength together for yourself and your kids. That is an extremely uncaring thing he did. Be strong!

 

Now your choices are if you want to stay with him or leave. And both of you will have to work out your own boundaries on what is ok and what isn't.

 

Are you sure you want to leave him and not try to repair it? It will be extremely hard to get your trust back but it can be done. You have 3 kids together. That will play in the equation.

[outofdarkness]

I'm sorry if this gets long, I really need to connect with someone on this issue. I don't know where to turn and I feel lost.

Background: I have been in a relationship with my husband on and off for 18 years, since we were teenagers. We have been married two years in April. We have three children, and although things have never really been easy, we had gotten to a good place in the last few months. Well, on Valentine's Day I found out through talking to him that when we were seperated a few years ago he slept with my sister. Not once, but more than once. I am devastated to say the least. My own sister. I immediately told him that I wanted a divorce. If he hadn't kept this a secret from me I would have made different decisions in the ensuing years. I certainly never would have been intimate with him again. I feel like they have both stabbed me in the back. My sister was my best friend and now I have cut all ties with her. I am planning on moving out in the next week or so. I just can't get the image out of my mind. I can't eat or sleep or find any peace. Not only am I suffering, but my kids know something is wrong. I don't have anyone to talk to.

In your opinion, is this forgiveable? Could you eventually get past it? I am beyond sickened by it, the details. They did it in my own house. Am I over-reacting or being unreasonable? I need insight badly.

I don't know if I could handle this or not. As far as I know, my H of 21 years never cheated w/ one of my sisters or any relative for that matter. We met as teens as well and have known one another forever...I guess it's possible given that he was a serial cheater, but I can't even allow myself to entertain this thought. To me, it would be a double betrayal and I just don't think I could get past it. The forgiveness part is really for YOU and helps you to move on, it's the forgetting that is the hard part. Mabey instead of an immediate D, you all could do a trial separation and some therapy..If you only go to Indiv. ther. that will help sort some of these feelings out. I know what it's like to fall apart over cheating...I lost 30lbs in 6 months, could barely take care of our kids and ended up in a treatment fac...We are still together and continue to go to MC and IC..BOTH of us. Time does help, but it takes alot of it and the hurt and betrayal are almost unbearable..I still have some days when I just don't want to face the day, but I do and the busier I stay, the better. Thinking about it too much is too painful and all consuming. Reach out to a trusted friend, clergy or therpist if you can..Keep coming back here. There is lots of support on LS, and they are GOOD people with good advice and support. I don't now how old your kids are; mine were 11 and 12...They were told in a theraputic setting and have been in group and IC since then. Kids are very resiliant and they DO know much more then you think. They are also very intuitive...Take care of yourself and them right now..You have to stay strong for them...I can tell you with certaintly that you WILL get past this, but it may not be w/ him.

 

I would also be sickend and traumatized...You are not alone..Please keep coming back. Also, the infidelity and OW forums are good. The people are very compassionate and offer good, sound advice and are very supportive...It's tough to discuss these things in person, at least for me, so I've found LS to really be my saving grace since first coming here last Fall. I'll be thinking of you and praying for you...Try to eat alittle something even if it's just a protein bar...I also know what it feels like to find out that this has been giong on and wonder what you would have done with your life had you known. In my case, I may have decided to stay if my H had been honest with me 10 years ago, but I would have loved to have had the choice...while I felt young and vibrant and more likely to meet someone new. Take heart, you WILL come through this...

 

P.S. Don't let either one of them tell you it was OK for them to sleep together just b/c you were separated from your H. You were still married, therefore, it was NOT ok...

[DownbutnotOut]

I think I would hate my sister the most in this situation. And the fact it DID NOT just happen one time is disturbing....I can't say what I would do....but this is pretty much an ultimate betrayal....on both of your "loved ones" parts....I mean, if you do not leave him over this....I wonder exactly what he would have to do for you to leave him?? I don't think I could live with myself if I looked the other way in this.......

[challa]

Thank you for your insight. As soon as I begin to think that I can get past this, it's like I am shocked back into reality. If it was a stranger I might be able to forgive, but my own family? We were always doing things together, New Years Eve, the pumpkin patch. All the while they both knew that they had betrayed me, and I just feel like a fool. I do plan to move out but I hate that I have to do this. I feel like I am losing everything.

[AHIWON]

Why not make him move out? This is where the children live and the primary giver. He screwed up, why no make him pay the higher penalty. Make him move. If/when you decide to get back together, do it on your terms. He is the one who betrayed you. Don't let him move back in till he does.

[challa]

I have the opportunity to move to a much nicer area out of the city, a really beautiful town about 25 minutes away. This house is not in my name, it is his house. I would own this other property. My kids aren't happy with the situation but I simply cannot stay here and play "happy family".

[AHIWON]

I don't think you should keep playing happy family either. Move if you can. A change of atmosphere will help you grow more and distant yourself from such a nasty relationship and the memories of it. Set up YOUR boundaries and stick to them. If you want a husband that should be home by 4:00 AM then stick to it. It's up to you where to put the posts.

 

I think I am beginining to uderstand your predicoment

[MoonGirl]

I'm sorry if this gets long, I really need to connect with someone on this issue. I don't know where to turn and I feel lost.

Background: I have been in a relationship with my husband on and off for 18 years, since we were teenagers. We have been married two years in April. We have three children, and although things have never really been easy, we had gotten to a good place in the last few months. Well, on Valentine's Day I found out through talking to him that when we were seperated a few years ago he slept with my sister. Not once, but more than once. I am devastated to say the least. My own sister. I immediately told him that I wanted a divorce. If he hadn't kept this a secret from me I would have made different decisions in the ensuing years. I certainly never would have been intimate with him again. I feel like they have both stabbed me in the back. My sister was my best friend and now I have cut all ties with her. I am planning on moving out in the next week or so. I just can't get the image out of my mind. I can't eat or sleep or find any peace. Not only am I suffering, but my kids know something is wrong. I don't have anyone to talk to.

In your opinion, is this forgiveable? Could you eventually get past it? I am beyond sickened by it, the details. They did it in my own house. Am I over-reacting or being unreasonable? I need insight badly.

 

You are not overreacting. I think you are being a strong woman, with strong principles. You do what's best for YOU. Your sister and husband have wronged you in a way you should have never had to experience.

 

Is what they did forgiveable? Only you can decide that. I wouldn't be able to forgive something like that. It's one thing for him to go out with some random woman, but your sister???? And what in the world was your sister thinking?

 

Your kids will heal in time. But if you stay in your relationship and harbor all of the pain, resentment, and unhappiness, your kids will be worse off in my opinion.

[challa]

Thank you, everyone for taking the time to respond to me. I am really alone and have no one to talk to IRL. I was wake for hours last night crying and had to take something to sleep. My husband has mentioned that I am acting like a "drama queen". But I don't let the kids see me upset and if I want to talk to him we go for a drive. He says because we were seperated at the time that I shouldn't be so mad. But I AM mad, I am disgusted, hurt...everything. I just don't want to start second guessing myself now that I have another place to live lined up and the reality of it is starting to sink in.

[jnb]

Challa,

 

I can't imagine how hard this is for you, as well as for him. Obviously he does love you and must have thought during this conversation of confession that your marriage/relationship was finally at a point of complete honesty, trust and the ability to forgive, everything out in the open with a clean slate so life could go on.

 

Your post says your "relationship" has been on and off for 18 years. Were you married or just together? Was there any real committment on either of your parts? You don't state why you were apart, how long and what brought you back together so judging what happened during that apart time is very difficult.

 

I'm not so sure throwing 18 years away is worth it or staying is worth it. This reminds me of the sitcom Friends, was it "just a break" or you "both moving on with your lives". If you were both moving on with your lives then in my humble opinion you can't blame either on of them because it was no ones business but thiers, if it was just a break and you both intended on reconciling then ya I can see why you'd be upset.

[Vchica99]

Challa,

 

The bottom line is, break or no break, sleeping with your sister was a line he should never have crossed. I don't care if you were DIVORCED, he still shouldn't have done it. Is he even thinking about his children and the affect it would have on them?? And yes, what was your sister thinking? Well, the two of them weren't thinking about anyone but themselves and that is not a healthy place for you or your children to be. You have to turn your attention on grieving for what you have lost and healing for your children. My parents divorced when I was 10 and have spent the rest of their lives hating eachother. That wasn't good for anyone, don't do that to your kids. Get them into some counseling, you get into some for yourself...hopefully somewhere down the line you can be at peace with your sister..again for the sake of your kids. You are absolutely doing the right thing, there are good things to come for you in the future.

[challa]

Again, thank you for your opinions. When we were younger we were breaking up a lot, but we always knew it would blow over and we would be together again. Part of what hurts so badly is that they took the choice away from me.....the ability to decide if I would want to sleep with him again after he had been with my sister. That really disgusts me. I wasn't armed with the informationa and definately would have made different decisions. And to add insult to injury they did it in my own apartment. My mind is telling me that they had 1,000 little moments before it happened to stop and say :This isn't right: They didn't care and went ahead.

[jnb]

Challa,

 

Obviously this is something you can't forgive him for and have chosen to move on but can you forgive your sister?

 

My husbands brother slept with my husbands first wife while they were married, so I have an idea of what your going thru simply because my husband has expressed his rage of what he'd experienced. His first wife had many many affairs, is there a chance your husband has had a problem over the years being solely committed to you? Are affairs a normal part of your relationship with him? If they are on either his or your part then your instinct to leave is probably the right one, but remember, many marriages come back from infidelity going on to live wonderful lives together. It doesn't have to be the end....unless you want it to be.

[MoonGirl]

Thank you, everyone for taking the time to respond to me. I am really alone and have no one to talk to IRL. I was wake for hours last night crying and had to take something to sleep. My husband has mentioned that I am acting like a "drama queen". But I don't let the kids see me upset and if I want to talk to him we go for a drive. He says because we were seperated at the time that I shouldn't be so mad. But I AM mad, I am disgusted, hurt...everything. I just don't want to start second guessing myself now that I have another place to live lined up and the reality of it is starting to sink in.

 

Drama queen??? If my husband did that to me, he'd be in the hospital having his balls surgically reattached.

 

It doesn't matter that the two of you were broken up. It was your sister, and that was a huge lack of thought and decency on both of their parts

 

Your husband obviously can't put himself in your shoes.

 

If you want to work things out with him, counseling would probably help a lot.

[tommyr]

Your original post gives a slightly confusing timeline, but it sounds like you were not married at the time of his encounter(s) w your sister? What exactly was your relationship with him at that particular time?

[challa]

No, we have been in a relationship since we were teenagers. We are in our mid 30's now. We only decided to make it legal two years ago. So it is a long term relationship with children involved. We have seperated in the past for few months with plans to work things out. It was during one of these temporary splits that he did this. I was out of town at the time and he stayed at my apartment with the kids. He invited her over to "watch movies" and this happened. I was gone for a week and it happened more than once during that time. They decided not to tell me and he and I got back together shortly after that. If I had known, I think I would have chosen to end the relationship rather than keep trying to repair it. But that option was never given to me, and that is part of what makes me so angry. I feel like I have been living a lie all of these years. I feel violated that he had sex with me after having been with her and I didn't have a clue. I feel like I have been walking around with a big knife sticking out of my back, and each time she was invited to join us in a family function, the knife was twisted. Each time that I discussed our relationship with her, the knife was twisted. And each time I comforted her when she cried....you get the idea.

[MoonGirl]

No, we have been in a relationship since we were teenagers. We are in our mid 30's now. We only decided to make it legal two years ago. So it is a long term relationship with children involved. We have seperated in the past for few months with plans to work things out. It was during one of these temporary splits that he did this. I was out of town at the time and he stayed at my apartment with the kids. He invited her over to "watch movies" and this happened. I was gone for a week and it happened more than once during that time. They decided not to tell me and he and I got back together shortly after that. If I had known, I think I would have chosen to end the relationship rather than keep trying to repair it. But that option was never given to me, and that is part of what makes me so angry. I feel like I have been living a lie all of these years. I feel violated that he had sex with me after having been with her and I didn't have a clue. I feel like I have been walking around with a big knife sticking out of my back, and each time she was invited to join us in a family function, the knife was twisted. Each time that I discussed our relationship with her, the knife was twisted. And each time I comforted her when she cried....you get the idea.

 

I get the idea. I can imagine how much pain you're experiencing. Nad, I don't think you're being a drama queen.

 

Hang in there and keep posting. We'll be here for you.

[anna13]

that is terrible , i cant imagine , but i think the fact that he slept with your sister , that is just really LOW .. i know you said that this is when you were seperated but still ... why your sister right?? I totally understand that anger you have. you have every right to be. also , your sis... well . . she knew what she was doing ,. i dont believe that they do that without knowing the consequances, it was like she thought to herself ... well, she will be mad but I dont care I am going to do what i want... honestly I would totally cut ties as well. it is bad enough if a friend stabs you in the back , but when your sister does ,well that is just not forgivable in my eyes.

you have a right to be angry , moving sound like a good idea to me , to start over. but it is kinda a knee jerk reaction . if you are still married you would divorse and then the kids custody issue would come about , is he ok with you leaving town with the kids? it is really a legal thing that I am concerned about for you . your H and your sister did betray you . no doubt. hang in there and stay strong . when you finally settle down you will be able to really grieve after you get over all the anger you surely must have.

[debilou]

Was your sister married or in a relationship at the time? No possible excuse for that to happen. Did you see the movie, "Sex, Lies & Video Tape" ? I think that was the title, anyway it sounds similar to your situation. I just can't come up with any scenario of how that could just happen?

 

Why did he decide to tell you? That's a really big question. I don't get it. Did your sister want to come clean, was the guilt getting to him or her? Sometimes the MOTIVE behind "coming clean" has more to do with what happened. Was he afraid she would tell you first? I still have too many questions about the whole situation to have an opinion.

 

I'm very sorry for your pain. You have been stabbed in the back. You are NOT being a drama queen. He's trying to down play this, but he didn't have to tell you. It's as though he wanted to hurt you. Individual counseling would be a good start. You need someone in your corner. Someone you can trust.

 

Take care and trust your gut instincts! Debilou

[challa]

She was in a relationship with her now husband. Who happens to be a childhood friend of both myself and my husband.

I'm not sure why he decided to tell me. We were talking about having more children and moving to the country. Big life changes. And I guess he wanted to be very honest with me and get it all out on the table first. She would have never told me, this I believe after the fact. I gave her the opportunity to be honest with me and she couldn't do it. She is a coward. So I wrote her a letter and I have removed her from my life. I am really struggling with this. I am a very strong person and can usually hide my emotions well, but I have been crying uncontrollably, getting little sleep, demanding answers that he can't or won't give. And then I get angry and want him to hurt as badly as I do. I am trying for my kids' sake to keep it together, I really am.

He is supportive of me leaving and taking the kids. He is giving me money toward moving, helping to make things easier on us. That is the one thing I am focusing on right now to get me through this, the move. We really can't stay in this house together like this for much longer.

[AHIWON]

Sorry to hear about your troubles. One thing you shouldn't do is try to hide your feelings. That was a big part of how I ended up in depression for almost 5 years. Posting here helps. A personal counselor, close friends, family.

[MoonGirl]

She was in a relationship with her now husband. Who happens to be a childhood friend of both myself and my husband.

I'm not sure why he decided to tell me. We were talking about having more children and moving to the country. Big life changes. And I guess he wanted to be very honest with me and get it all out on the table first. She would have never told me, this I believe after the fact. I gave her the opportunity to be honest with me and she couldn't do it. She is a coward. So I wrote her a letter and I have removed her from my life. I am really struggling with this. I am a very strong person and can usually hide my emotions well, but I have been crying uncontrollably, getting little sleep, demanding answers that he can't or won't give. And then I get angry and want him to hurt as badly as I do. I am trying for my kids' sake to keep it together, I really am.

He is supportive of me leaving and taking the kids. He is giving me money toward moving, helping to make things easier on us. That is the one thing I am focusing on right now to get me through this, the move. We really can't stay in this house together like this for much longer.

 

 

Challa,

 

You are being very stong, and I admire you for being able to do what is right for you.

 

Getting your feelings out is great. Do you see a therapist? I found a wonderful therapist who has helped me a lot...I never expected it to help so much, but it has.