Text Messaging Employee

[momofthree]

My husband is a Doctor and he has a very competent and capable nurse that he has been working with for as long as we have been married. She recently came to work exclusively with him and another doc. She is very nice and very happily married, however she is always text messaging my husband jokes and comments. Last year, I had cancer. We were on vacation as a family and I was completely bald and at my worst. A text came in while we were out of town. I asked him to put an end to it, b/c it hurt me. He said, he didn't want to tell her b/c she's the best employee they've ever had and he didn't want to make her feel uncomfortable. I was very angry about his reaction, however he did say he would stop replying to her messages and thus, it may stop. Well 5 months later, I discovered a silly back and forth all day long text conversation where they were being goofy and making fun of another employee. I felt very jealous of this and left out. I feel like such a fool. I got so mad and him and gave him a sort of ultimatium and he basically said, he was not going to ever fire her. He accused me of being insecure and extremely jealous. I hadn't noticed to much after that, but she always sends him a text when we are out of town. problably more, because that's the only time I have access to him and am around his phone. It's always innocent, Like I hope yall are having a blast. or something like that. However, this time, last night, we were flying home from vacation and were missing an NBA game we always attend. She apparantly was at the game and texted him, "I found your 'NBA dancer" girl" Don't want to say the name b/c it reveals my town. Anyway, what the heck does that mean. That he tells her he wants a girl, or is she just being stupid. The whole thing seems so inappropriate on so many different levels. I'm sick of it. My husband would leave me if I called her or made her feel uncomfortable b/c he thinks she's the greatest employee ever and so nice to the patients. He thinks she irreplacable. Apparently, I am replacable. Anyway, I am at a loss and I so want and need to pick up the phone and talk to her. I don't think she means any of this to be cheating on me, etc, but i just hate the whole premise. I think they spend way to much time together already and texting him while we're spending time together as a family, especially about other girls is an abomination. It is inappropriate and wrong on so many different levels. He has allowed her to cross a boundry that should not be crossed. Please help and tell me what to do? He did say inthe heat of the battle, "Call her right now and y ou'll see how stupid you're being." "She thinks we're her friends." "She is so in love with her husband." "you're a jealous idiot." Am I wrong?

[silktricks]

Well, you are jealous, you are insecure, and you are NOT wrong. Your husband is. The fact that he doesn't understand your feelings does not make him right and you wrong. It is inappropriate for the woman (and your husband) to be test messaging each other. I would bet a million dollars that her husband wouldn't be any too crazy about it either.

 

Since nothing you say, though, is going to make him change his mind (as he believes that he is in the right). I'm not really sure what you can do about it. If you could get him to visit a marriage counselor with you, that might help, but it could also make things worse.

 

Do you really think he'd leave you in favor of keeping his employee? Has he said that to you?

[momofthree]

Thanks for replying. Yes, he said he would never fire her. I don't think he would leave me unless I created a big scene with her, b/c that would ruin what their working relationship. it's hard for me to just let this go. I feel crazy, maybe I am.

[momofthree]

he always says that she's texts the other doctor too. Like I'm supposed to be excited about that. I think it makes her even more of a threat.

[silktricks]

well, I don't think it makes her more of a threat. I'm sure that your husband is saying that she texts the others so that you don't feel that it's an "exclusive" relationship with him.

 

How old is she? And for that matter, how old are you and your husband? And how long has she worked at his office?

 

One thing you could try doing is make friends with her. I know that is probably the last thing in the world you want to do, but right now, she's seeing the dr.s in the office as "her guys". She takes care of their needs (office needs), and I'm sure has developed a pretty tight relationship with all of them as a result. That relationship is different from a marriage, but does have some unfortunate similarities of friendship.

 

I also know that this is not the solution, because what you really wanted was for your husband to show to you that you are more important to him than an employee, and he failed at that. But, that really doesn't mean that you aren't more important, it could simply mean to him that it would be like comparing a wrench to an apple. Totally and completely different.

 

Right now, because of your vulnerable situation you can't see his position, and he can't see yours.

[Dadaal]

Thanks for replying. Yes, he said he would never fire her. I don't think he would leave me unless I created a big scene with her, b/c that would ruin what their working relationship. it's hard for me to just let this go. I feel crazy, maybe I am.

 

 

This is a replica of my past experience with my girlfriend - If he doesnt want fire her .. he is in love with her and doesn't want admit it. The only option is to be a friend with her, invite her to your home .... and you'll find more.

[Guest]

Well if it was me I'd call the husband she is so in love with and see if he knows about all the TMing going back and forth. I'd be calling the other doctor and asking him if he gets alot of TM's too.

 

It could be innocent and hopfully is but a H not trying to make his wife feel more insecure after battling cancer is a big red flag to me. At the very least he's an insenstive clod.

 

Call his bluff. If he doesn't like it that's just too damn bad. You've given him opportunities to correct the problem. Heck I'd tell him I'm calling her H...his reaction should tell you all you need to know.

[riobikini]

(Smile)

 

Doctors *can* be wrong.

 

And your husband -despite his God-like profession- is utterly wrong in his behavior and treatment of *you*.

 

No one should talk to his wife in such demeaning terms, using such disgraceful names as those he chose in speaking to you.

 

Perhaps, the employee *is* an outstanding employee -but allowing the *employee* to become a wedge between a married couple (not to mention in terms of a family with children who need the attention of their father) is (no pun intended) bad practice.

 

It takes a very strong woman, to begin with, to be married to a doctor of nearly any type -much less one who chooses to spend his limited time alone with his family conversing in text to his employee -and therefore, still, in a very recognizable sense, "at work" or work contact.

 

It's hurtful -and without any personal doubt, I think he (holding him to the standard of the observant professional he was trained to be) is aware that it's hurtful.

 

In my opinion, he's simply an a*s -and maybe, more.

 

It might be a bit "underhanded", but there *may* be a more direct way to convey a clear message to this lovely employee without pulling her into the spotlight and potentially causing anyone unneeded embarrassment.

 

Talk to the office manager (doctor's wives often do concerning ways to handle vacation time communication with their husbands) and ask her/him to write a memo to office employees (your husband's employees, specifically) that requests *all* employees to respect your family's privacy while away from the routine duty in the office.

 

Make *certain* it includes text messaging communication -and, of course, that it *does not* include emergency calls or contact.

 

And then hold your breath and let the cow chips fall.

 

-Rio

[chilatte]

I think Riobikini gave you a great response. Obviously this Nurse wants your Man. Why else would she be doing this? Women do not give men attention like that unless they want them or their money. I have male & female co-workers but I would NEVER engage in that kind of activity with any of the male co-workers. She must be missing something in her marriage and I bet her husband doesn't even know she does this.

[stillafool]

Wow Mum, I thought you two were going through with your divorce. Have things changed? If so, he definitely shouldn't be in contact with the OW again outside of work.

[CardPlay3r]

What if they're just friends? Don't you think your husband should be allowed to have female friends? If you don't then you're controlling...

 

I don't agree with the way he speaks to you either, but neither do you have the right to demand she gets fired for joking around and texting him...you don't know they're cheating on you and you need to stop being so controlling

 

One more thing, if he wants to cheat on you there is no way you can stop him

[ash519]

Here are my thoughts on the situation Mom: I dont think there is an affair going on. I think maybe there is an innocent flirtation that she keeps up with your husband and the other doctors.

 

As your husband it would be VERY easy to, in a non attacking manner, go to this nurse and say "My wife would really appreciate if the texting would stop." I dont really see why he thinks that would cause any level of discomfort, if she is a level headed woman than she would say "i'm sorry If i caused any problems" and stop.

 

Have you talked to her in the past in social settings? If so, maybe you could call her and be completely honest, tell her that you respect her and your husbands professional relationship but you would appreciate if the silly text messaging would stop, that it makes you uncomfortable. Does she seem level headed?

 

Tell your husband that such a request should not jeapordize her employment and if it does that would put up a HUGE red flag.

 

I wish you luck.

[LucreziaBorgia]

he didn't want to tell her ... and he didn't want to make her feel uncomfortable.

 

This bit here is worrisome. He is putting her comfort ahead of yours, and protecting her interests at the expense of yours.

 

I don't know if there is an actual affair going on, but its apparent that he likes the attention and doesn't want it to stop - even though it is inappropriate in a professional setting, inappropriate for two married people to be doing, discomforting for his wife, and a threat to the marriage in general.

 

This type of "suspicious friendship" thread is what you see shortly before you see the "I found out it was actually an affair" thread. I've seen it plenty of times in my years here. Big red flag behavior on both their parts.

 

What can you do? Go into stealth mode and keep your eyes open. At this point is when you start seeing people considering taking a closer look at phone bills, looking into keyloggers, private detectives and such. It sounds like overkill, but where there is smoke there is usually fire. You can never be too careful. Just be cautious with what you do. If he gets even an INKLING that you are looking deeper into the situation, he'll simply gaslight you harder, turn his anger on you, move it underground, continue it and probably ramp it up even more.