Wonder what is going thru HER head?

[mopar crazy]

I last posted about being upset about H riding along w/ an OW to a game they both coach. Didn't like the idea, but I need to trust him if this M is going to work after his A almost 4 years ago.

 

Since that weekend this woman has hardly ever talked to me, and when I try talking to her she hurries and answers my ? and then walks away. When she calls to talk to H about the team and I answer she doesn't say hello to me, she just ask for H.

 

The other day I had H's truck. When I was pulling out of the parking lot she was driving by. She was looking at H's truck and I waved. Just as I was waving she hurried and turned her head the other way w/o waving. Now, maybe she wasn't looking my way at H's truck but it sure looked like it.

 

She just has been acting different towards me for awhile.

[silktricks]

Is this a woman that your husband had a relationship with in the past, or a woman that is a coach?

 

If the latter, I really wouldn't read too much into those actions. There could be so very many reason for those type of actions (other than ones that so readily jump to the mind of a former BS.)

 

Be cool.

[whichwayisup]

Yeah, she is definately is acting odd. I mean, either she's scared of you (which means he has told her something about you that has freaked her out) or she's plain intimidated by you because possibly something is going on between her and your H.

 

I hope I'm wrong MP.

 

You could also directly approach her as well, or both of them together. I don't know...Either way something weird is happening.

[Trialbyfire]

If you're really concerned, I would ask your SO why she's been acting very odd lately and see how he reacts. If her attitude changes in the very near future, you know the two have talked and are still close enough to discuss you between them. At this point, I would say that you probably have something to be concerned about.

[Guest]

No No No. Trust is earned. How in the hell does that happen while he has any communication with her? There shouldn't be any contact whatsoever.

 

Of course she's acting strange. God knows what kinda BS he's filled her head with and you are playing right into it.

[mopar crazy]

Is this a woman that your husband had a relationship with in the past, or a woman that is a coach?

 

If the latter, I really wouldn't read too much into those actions. There could be so very many reason for those type of actions (other than ones that so readily jump to the mind of a former BS.)

 

Be cool.

 

silk, nope, she isn't the same woman my H had an A w/. Thankfully his xOW doesn't live near us anymore. One reason why I moved away to start my life over w/o having to deal w/ her presence any longer.

 

On the way home from the ball game she called twice but we were shopping and H left his cell in his truck. He called her back on the way home and they discussed the game.

 

He got pissy w/ me b/c I told him to stop tailgating the person in front of us when he was on the phone w/ her. He said she heard me yell at him and she started laughing and asked why I yelled at him. Guess I hurt his poor little feelings but damn, he was being an ********* driver. I HATE tailgaters, even if it's my own H doing it to someone else. Maybe I shouldn't of raised my voice while he was on the phone. I guess he was embarrassed by me nagging at him in front of her.

 

Trial, my H will just think I'm being crazy by thinking anything is going on w/ him. So how do I get my feelings across w/o him saying he thinks I'm nuts if he would have an A w/ her?

 

WWIU, thanks for your reply!!! I was hoping you would reply to my thread. I have always valid and respected your replies since I started coming to LS. If there is nothing going on do you think her behavior is b/c she maybe attracted to him and she feels threatened by me b/c I'm M to him? She is not H's type, but either was the xOW and he had an A w/ her. They do spend a lot of time together at ball practices and games. I sit in the bleachers w/ other parents and they sit down w/ the team together. It use to be they wouldn't sit right next to each other but lately I have seen them sitting right next to each other.

 

H usually waits for me to come down from the bleachers after the games but today he started towards the exit of the gym w/o waiting for me. Not w/ her but he didn't wait for me.

 

She spoke to me once today, just asked if I got ahold of some parents that were running late as my daughter was w/ them.

 

I'm probably making a fool out of myself thinking anything could be, or could go on between them. She is well known in the community and so is my family so if something goes on between them and word gets out, it wouldn't be good for either of them but I wont care.

[whichwayisup]

On the way home from the ball game she called twice but we were shopping and H left his cell in his truck. He called her back on the way home and they discussed the game.

 

She called twice?? WTF. Once isn't good enough? And they talked about the 'game'. Hmmm...Yeah.

 

Trial, my H will just think I'm being crazy by thinking anything is going on w/ him. So how do I get my feelings across w/o him saying he thinks I'm nuts if he would have an A w/ her?

 

The thing is, he should understand why you are feeling insecure! He should be making you feel better, feel more secure. Instead, he's allowing this woman to call him on his cell!

 

Tell him that between his behaviour, and that she is acting weird around you is making YOU feel uncomfortable, making you have negative thoughts and worries that something could be developing.....Don't accuse him of an affair (yet), but let him know that he IS putting himself in that type of situation that something could happen or develop.

 

WWIU, thanks for your reply!!! I was hoping you would reply to my thread. I have always valid and respected your replies since I started coming to LS.

 

Thanks for that. Right back ya sweets, I think you're an amazing person!

 

If there is nothing going on do you think her behavior is b/c she maybe attracted to him and she feels threatened by me b/c I'm M to him?

 

Yes. She probably feels intimidated and envious of you at the same time. So, enjoy that and make her squirm!!! BE nice to her!! hehehe...

 

She is not H's type, but either was the xOW and he had an A w/ her. They do spend a lot of time together at ball practices and games. I sit in the bleachers w/ other parents and they sit down w/ the team together. It use to be they wouldn't sit right next to each other but lately I have seen them sitting right next to each other.

 

Bring this up to him, and again, just say you're concerned because of his past affair, so seeing him with her, sitting together, her calling alot and acting odd around you is setting red flags up in your mind, making you feel anxious and wonder WTF is really going on there.

 

I'm probably making a fool out of myself thinking anything could be, or could go on between them.

 

So what. This is your life, your marriage and your husband we're talking about. Make a fool of yourself all you want!

 

She is well known in the community and so is my family so if something goes on between them and word gets out, it wouldn't be good for either of them but I wont care.

 

Yup, her reputation is on the line if she is well known...If something is going on, she'll have to face the embarressment of her actions! But, as of now, I wouldn't worry too much that it's physical. I doubt it is.

[mopar crazy]

Thanks! You're just too sweet!

 

I was in the truck w/ H when he was talking to her about the game so I know HE was talking about the game, but could she have been saying something else besides the game I don't know. She would be pretty damn stupid if she was flirting w/ him w/ me right beside him. We were in the store about a half an hour when she called twice.

 

I have decided to speak to him about how she is acting differently towards me but don't know how to start the conversation. I'm worried he will say I'm nuts or need help w/ my insecurities. Well, shyt, why shouldn't I feel insecure when he has screwed around on me b4 and even left me for her? I wont accuse him of actually having an A but I don't know how to talk to him w/o it looking like I'm accussing him. My mom said the samething you did, to talk to him. She said if I don't it will eat me alive.

[whichwayisup]

All you have to say is, you've noticed a really weird vibe from her and it has made you stop and think. See how he reacts. If he downplays it and says you're being silly, then just tell go on to tell him you're feeling concerned and he should be more supportive of your feelings... Even if it does come off like you're accusing him, so what? He is the one who cheated on you in the past and it's something HE has to deal with as long as he's still married to you. Dealing with your moments of fear, 'will it happen again.' HE is the one who shook your trust and faith in him....Sure, he may have forgotten all about the affair, probably on purpose as I bet it makes him feel horrible - But, he HAS to understand that the damage he did to you, is a long term thing. You may have moments for a long time when you doubt him, but hopefully he'll be by your side to make you feel more loved and secure.

 

Yup, talk to him, otherwise you will feel worse!

[mopar crazy]

But, he HAS to understand that the damage he did to you, is a long term thing. You may have moments for a long time when you doubt him

 

That is what I'm worried about. How long will I live feeling this way? Doubting him when something like this happens? His past A seems like a nightmare. It's not so painful anymore, in fact sometimes it feels like it never happened unless I start thinking about it. I don't let it control my life any longer. I just hate that I can't trust him 100% like I did b4 the A. I hate that I don't trust some women.

 

 

This woman is a sports fan, just like H, and I'm worried that their mutual infactuation w/ sports will cause them to become closer leading to an EA that could turn into a PA.

[whichwayisup]

This woman is a sports fan, just like H, and I'm worried that their mutual infactuation w/ sports will cause them to become closer leading to an EA that could turn into a PA.

 

Tell him exactly what you said here. He's got to understand that for a long time you will have your down moments and insecurities - And when those times happen, he HAS to be loving and even more supportive towards you. Give you more TLC.

 

See, him spending time with this woman, you seeing them sitting together is stirring up bad feelings in you, and he has to understand and deal with it, because he is the one who put those fears and insecurities in you, in the first place.

 

Sounds like you two need a romantic getaway!

[mopar crazy]

What scares me is that is how xOW and him became involved. She loved sports and so they had that in common. I'm not a sports fan. I enjoy watching my kids play and I do belong on a league w/ some friends but other than that, sports have never been a part of my life. I grew up in a family who were into muscle cars, and my sister and I were into horses and had one growing up. My mom bowled and so do I but other than that, not into sports. My H grew up in a sports family, especially golf. I have tried getting into golf, just can't do it but gonna try this spring. God help me, lol.

 

Anyhow, back to the topic of H and this woman. I noticed tonight that H has her cell phone stored in his phone so now I know when she calls and when he calls her. She called twice in a minute today. Maybe she didn't think the call went through and tried again....don't know. They just spoke at the game, don't know why she felt the need to call him again so soon afterwards. She hasn't called anymore today. She will tomorrow to let us know if they are playing as the weather is suppose to get bad.

 

I wish he would wake up so we can talk. He works nights and didn't get much sleep today. However, I don't want to jump on him about this subject when he just woke up. Maybe I will wait until tomorrow on the way to the game as he can't walk away from me as we will be driving.

[whichwayisup]

Why do they have to talk? I'm sorry, but are they both coaches or something, or is just about the kids? And, why is only hanging out with her? What's with him not hanging with the guys!! See, he's enjoying the attention by her either way...And that's something inside him, has nothing to do with you, but it bugs me that he's putting YOU in a place that you have doubts about him...And in all honesty, he should be avoiding situations that really cause problems.

 

She really shouldn't be calling him as often as she does....It's inappropriate, and even more so, because she feels weird around you, has made no effort to be friendly with you either. IS she married too?

 

Yah, don't have a serious conversation with him late at night, those should take place earlier in the evening, or in the morning...

 

Anyway, tell him too, the fact this woman has interest in sports, like the OW did, that's another reason why you're feeling not right about it.

[mopar crazy]

Why do they have to talk? I'm sorry, but are they both coaches or something, or is just about the kids? And, why is only hanging out with her? What's with him not hanging with the guys!! See, he's enjoying the attention by her either way...And that's something inside him, has nothing to do with you, but it bugs me that he's putting YOU in a place that you have doubts about him...And in all honesty, he should be avoiding situations that really cause problems.

 

She really shouldn't be calling him as often as she does....It's inappropriate, and even more so, because she feels weird around you, has made no effort to be friendly with you either. IS she married too?

 

Yah, don't have a serious conversation with him late at night, those should take place earlier in the evening, or in the morning...

 

Anyway, tell him too, the fact this woman has interest in sports, like the OW did, that's another reason why you're feeling not right about it.

 

Yes, they both coach. Our daughters play on the same team. There is another guy coach but he hasn't been coaching that much this year. Since H is the coach he sit w/ the team where she also sits. He can't do his job as a coach sitting up in the bleachers. He needs to be down w/ the team. The guys sit up in the bleachers w/ their W's and that is where I sit, w/ them.

 

Yes, she is also M.

 

I really appreciate ya helping me out w/ this WWIU. I'm at my wits end dealing w/ this trust issue crap. Sometimes I wonder if I shouldn't of just went ahead w/ the D.

[whichwayisup]

You're welcome.

 

Well, let's put it this way, if he is stupid enough to take the chance to cheat on you under these circumstances, then he will be facing a divorce ASAP, right?

 

Are you seeking therapy for you? Could help you sort out the feelings and thoughts...CBT or something.

[MrsHellFire]

Her behavior does seem bizarre. I'd look into it.

[mopar crazy]

I did seek IC after H and I split up. Maybe I need to go back. I didn't go very long b/c the counselor was kind of different. I wasn't comfortable talking about our sex life w/ him at all. Maybe if I talk to a woman counselor it would help.

 

H also sought counseling under my request. I told him he needs to seek it in order to figure out why he had an A and anger issues. He stopped going when he moved in w/ me. We should of both went back to MC.

 

MrsH, yep, I thought her behavior has been strange myself. They are suppose to have another game tomorrow so I'm going to keep my eyes opened and see how she acts. I will post about how it goes under this thread.

[Trialbyfire]

Trial, my H will just think I'm being crazy by thinking anything is going on w/ him. So how do I get my feelings across w/o him saying he thinks I'm nuts if he would have an A w/ her?

 

 

I wouldn't go the route of openly asking an intrusive question. I would ask him if he's noticed that she's acting weird with him because she certainly is acting weird with you. Explain her strange reactions to you and ask him if he knows if you've offended her or not. Also, tell him not to mention it to her because you would be embarrassed if he did.

 

As mentioned previously, if her attitude changes with you very quickly, you know he's most likely spoken to her about it and you might have cause for concern due to their closeness.

[mopar crazy]

Thanks Trial! I'm having a hard time deciding how to start the convo out. I'm not bringing it up until we are alone. He just got home from work so he is asleep. I think I'm going to bring it up on the way to the game, if we go. I'm just going to start out asking him if she has acted differently towards him lately b/c I sure have noticed a change.

 

Should I mention that I seen her looking towards his truck and when I waved she hurried and looked the other way?

 

I'm going to tell him I'm trying very hard to trust him, and OW in general but finding it hard to do that. I know what he is going to say "Go back to IC."

[whichwayisup]

If he tells you go back to IC, then you suggest that you both get back into marriage counselling.

 

Outside of this situation, has he more or less done all that is necessary to be an openbook to you?

 

When you do talk to him, just start off saying, "Ive noticed XXXX (insert name) has been acting uncomfortable with me recently. She avoids chatting with me, looking at me in the eyes, seems nervous, and then the other day I saw her, she saw me while in your truck, I waved and she hurried off without waving back. I hope I'm not overreacting here, but something just doesn't feel right." Then add in, something like" I want to trust you, but beacuse of her behaviour around me, it's making me feel like something is happening behind my back."

[Spinderella]

Thanks Trial! I'm having a hard time deciding how to start the convo out. I'm not bringing it up until we are alone. He just got home from work so he is asleep. I think I'm going to bring it up on the way to the game, if we go. I'm just going to start out asking him if she has acted differently towards him lately b/c I sure have noticed a change.

 

Should I mention that I seen her looking towards his truck and when I waved she hurried and looked the other way?

 

I'm going to tell him I'm trying very hard to trust him, and OW in general but finding it hard to do that. I know what he is going to say "Go back to IC."

 

personally i dont think you should bring it up yet. the reason is that if you bring it up now then you will not know whether he is acting guilty because he is or because he has been accused. perhaps you could talk about other aspects of your relationship and maybe bring up that you wish to go to counselling again. other than that i think you should just watch carefully for awhile.

[Spinderella]

further to my post, there could be any reason that she acts this way. if there is something i feel paranoid about i usually see evidence of it in peoples reactions to me. i dont react and then when i see them again and i have dealt with my feelings, i realise i was wrong.

but you do say you have gotten over his affair.

is this the first woman who he has spent alot of time talking with since the affair? if it is it would make sense that it would trigger feelings of mistrust again.

[mopar crazy]

WWIU, yes H has been very opened about the A. He HATES when I bring it up though. He says he doesn't want to think about it, or her and when I bring it up it puts the A back into his head again. He wants to move past it and try to forget about it. There is rare times he will bring things up that I have no idea why he does. He will say something about what she said or what she did, things like that, just out of the blue. They aren't good things, mostly disgusting things that make me want to get

 

Spin, thanks for the reply! I just feel like I need to talk to him about this b/c it's eating at me. Until I know what he says or his reactions to it I need to know. I don't want to accuse him of something he isn't doing, especially if I'm way off base about it all.

 

Yes, this is the first woman he has spent a lot of time talking to and spending time w/ since his A.

[whichwayisup]

He HATES when I bring it up though.

 

Ofcourse he does! He wants to forget it ever happened, and wants you to get over it so HE doesn't have to feel bad and guilty about it anymore. The thing is, you didn't ask to be put in this situation, HE did that to you - SO, yeah, he has to suck it up and show you love, give you TLC when you do bring it up. And he MUST not bring it up, talk about the OW. That's a slap in the face for you, and f**k'n digusting behaviour of him...It's like he wants YOU to hurt all over again. See, when you bring it up, there's a reason. WHen he brings it up, there is NO real reason for him to do that to you! WTF.

[mopar crazy]

Ofcourse he does! He wants to forget it ever happened, and wants you to get over it so HE doesn't have to feel bad and guilty about it anymore. The thing is, you didn't ask to be put in this situation, HE did that to you - SO, yeah, he has to suck it up and show you love, give you TLC when you do bring it up. And he MUST not bring it up, talk about the OW. That's a slap in the face for you, and f**k'n digusting behaviour of him...It's like he wants YOU to hurt all over again. See, when you bring it up, there's a reason. WHen he brings it up, there is NO real reason for him to do that to you! WTF.

 

 

 

AGREE! I PM'ed you by the way. I can see why he gets bugged about me bringing it up but I hate when he brings my past lover up too. Only difference is, that R was years b4 I even met H. I want to leave that in my past just as he wants to leave the A in the past. Maybe we really ought to seek MC again to see what the counselor says. I know when I was in IC he told me not to bring up the A to H anymore.

 

Usually when he brings the OW up he says bad things about her. I think it's his way of reassuring me I'm a better person and that he was stupid for doing what he did.