well now what...?

[low-fat-al]

Hi,

 

I have already posted a situation on the dating portion of this forum. Here is the link if you want to get the run down:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t18242/

 

I talked to a friend who has seen her recently and she told him that she basically freaked out over the ring and some other things that were built up during time. I know I need to move on and start all over again. I just hate that one can invest so much into someone and give away your heart and everything seems like heaven. It was a GREAT relationship and she agrees. I just don't get that she gave up on it so easy. In her past she has been cheated on and lied to and been dumped. This the first time she said she hurt someone during a break up usually it is her being hurt. Well in my past I am usually being hurt in the process. I just thought she would be different. I told her I was disapointed in her and I thought she would never do this to me. A similar situation happened to me with previous relationship of 2 and half years. She knew this and said she would never do that to me. Well I almost consider a liar now.

 

It was pretty much understood during our relationship that we would be married. Her family and friends and my family and friends knew it. We were perfect for each other. She just basically said she needs to be alone. Well I don't like it and I have already put everything away that she has given me. (pictures, ring, watch, cards, poems, etc.) Out of sight out of mind. She is coming over tomorrow (11-12-02) to pick up her stuff. Ironically that day would have been exactly 1 year and 8 months we were together. It is shame that we both shared the same dream of having a life together and now she gives up that easy. Oh well... such as life.

 

Not that I expect it but it has happened in the past with me, but if she figures out that she made a terrible mistake and wants me back. Should I take her back? I feel I would hesitate and it would take a while for all this to pass before I could even think about it. But once again I don't expect it. It would almost be a pleasant suprise that I would hear from her after a while.

 

any comments are welcome...

 

low-fat-al

[butterflyz]

first of all, why does she want this time alone? is she healing from some sort of wound herself? have you taken the time to find out?

 

if she wants to be alone, that means she is going through something. if she wants to date others, that means she just wants to date others - there is a difference. some things in life are not repairable. your relationship might be one of those things.

 

i don't understand her need to be alone unless you've hurt her. have you hurt her? be honest. if you have hurt her, you need to find out from her what it would take to heal her wound. if she says "nothing" then you need to put the stuff away (like you have) and move on and don't expect her to call again. have you tried to remove yourself from your own pain to see what is causing her pain?

 

as for me, there are certain things i don't forgive. any relationship built on lies, deceit or manipulation is nothing i want to keep around, it just builds up foul odors. the guy that i have posted about before, joe, who keeps trying to manipulate me is someone i don't want in my life. he does not have the qualities of someone that i am looking for. he still tries to use the people in my life (co-workers, mother) to try and help him (like right now, he's using my co-worker ellen to not put on acrylic nails - because HE has decided they are no good for me, do you see the control madness? And she mysteriously has had leaks in her house and has had her nails pop off - JUST LIKE ME). he wants me to think he wasn't responsible, when we all know he is.

 

he's pretty dumb because i see through him and everything he does. but he still persists in trying to manipulate me, knowing that i detest it. so, all he does in the end is reinforce my negative feelings toward him. and the jackass will walk away scratching his head wondering why i don't like him.

 

i need to be alone now to heal from his year long reign of terror. i realize that alot of the negative things that happened to me at my job and life were due to his instigation. he convinced people to cooperate with him. my own boss now is trying to help him win me, just like the bosses before her. i lost alot of respect for them because of what they did, and obviously i lost trust. i feel that they behaved in an inappropriate manner. i hope that she realizes her behavior is wrong and decides to stay out of it. he has an illness, which he will use to excuse himself, but his illness is poison to me. life with him would be life in prison.

 

so he can't figure out, like you can't, why the object of his affection wants to be alone. because being alone is better than being with him. and i can't be with anyone else until i heal. i want a nice simple little life. that is what i want. no one seems to understand that, but me.

[butterflyz]

another thing. about the confusion about marriage. did you physically, from your mouth to her ears, tell her you want to marry her? she may not have known that, and that's why she's freaked out. maybe you are moving too fast. maybe she was not lying to you, but needs you to slow down. she may perceive you to be strong arming her and that's no fun.

 

i can only talk from my experiences, but, this guy, joe, also has communicated that to people, but he never did to me. in fact, he has never directly told me how he feels about me. never. he's only treated me poorly. he really doesn't have much respect for me, or my property or my life, period. i can see that clearly now. so, it is easy to see how a communication breakdown serves a relationship breakdown.

 

i fell in love with him at the tale end of last year. there was no "bs" about that. i wanted to explore those feelings to see if there was potential. and while i would have dated him knowing that, there would have been no guarantees, because sometimes love does not conquer all. i need to date someone for a while and get to know them before that decision can be made. he made that decision without even dating me. no one is right and no one is wrong. but, for a relationship to be successful, the decision to marry needs to be made by BOTH parties in a time frame that suits BOTH parties. i allowed my second husband to rush through our relationship and it is a mistake i will not make again.

 

so try communicating with her and find out what is really going on.

[Ally Boo]

I know you are hurting. Have you taken into consideration that she is hurting too? If you love her so much, why don't you give her her space... That would be showing her your love in the ultimate way.

[low-fat-al]

Well it is all over. To answer a question on one of the replies.. no I never hurt her in any way shape or form. 11-12-02 Tues she came over to pick up some thing that were at my house of hers. She also had to wait for an Avon delivery as well. She sells Avon. So we got a chance to talk a little. I told her I was angry and sad. I am not mad her nor are my friends and family. It basically boils down to this. Throughout our relationship we both discussed marriage and both had the same dream of 2 kids and and all that. It was a matter of timing that is all. While I was paying on the ring I was also spending money on other things as well. Being normal. She keep thinking that he is spending money on other stuff and not really wanting to buy a ring and take that next step. She starting questioning whether if I really wanted to marry her. It also sparked her own doubts as well. It was only to reassure her about my commitment to her when it was I told her that I have been paying on a ring the past 4 months or so. She was confused and suddenly scared. She needed sometime to think. Well during that time I was freaking out. I was expecting the worse and hoping for the best. When she came back to me she was wanting to split up. She felt as if it would be best. She apparently needed it. I felt angry at her because she was just giving up on us without really working it out. I think in her mind it got past the point of no return. She thought that even if we did work it out after all what she said to me "the whole breaking up thing" that I would have that in the back of my head the whole time. We seriously hardly disagreed on anything. It was the most beautiful relationship ever and she would tell you the same.

 

When I last saw her when she came over to pick up her stuff, she thought that I would never want to see her again. I put everything away that she ever gave me and that we had shared together (home videos, birthday cards, etc.). Out of sight and out of mind. She was shocked to how I did all that. The way I saw it is that if she really wanted to be with me she would. I can't force someone to love me in the same caliber that I love them. I really wish the best for her and hope she realizes what really happened. It would be a pleasant suprise to her from her in the near future but I not expecting it.

 

I e-mailed her mom and best friend and told them that it was pleasuring knowing them and wished them all the luck in the world. Her mom e-mailed me back basically saying that maybe she will realize that she has made a mistake.

 

In the meantime I have been talking to this girl I haven't seen in like 5 years. I DJ-ed a friends wedding and she was a brides maid. This happened the day after my X split up with me. Well this new girl has just got out a long relationship as well. She been split up for month. I felt as if I have been split up for a month as well with all the time my X took to herself and disconnected me from her life. This new girl is really nice and we did used to work together and did date for like a month casually over 5 years ago. I am not sure if I should start dating so soon or what. What I really want is for my X to get her head clear so we could continue our great relationship. But I can't live like that. I know she wouldn't expect me to. It would just be nice. This new girl knows everything about my breakup as well as I know about hers. I know she is interested in my because we have talked alot since we saw each other at the wedding. It just would not be fair to her if I get involved when I will have a false sense of hope that my X will return someday. I guess only time will tell what is to happen.

 

low-fat-al

[butterflyz]

if you still have feelings for her, it is not fair to the new girl. from what you wrote, i can't tell if you are still in love with the ex or you just want her to realize she made a mistake.

 

on the other hand, if you go out with the new girl you might realize that you are forgetting more and more about the ex.

 

two people need to be on the same wave length.

 

this is why i won't date anyone for a while. i would not be contributing towards a relationship. i'm just looking out for me right now. if i hurt someone in the process, so be it. so, instead of doing that, i'm abstaining.

 

people love to withdraw accountability by saying "oh, well i treated them that way because they allowed me to " . well, a decent human being doesn't feel that way and doesn't do that to anyone, just a selfish, sick, pri%^. a cold hearted person.

 

so, get to know this new girl. even on a platonic level. you might realize that you are forgetting about the ex. it's for the best.

[low-fat-al]

The new girl and I have agreed to just be friends. She recently went through a break as well and we both are coping through it all. We used to be friends in the past so I think this is a good thing that we just hang out.

 

I still want my X back. I know I can't make someone want me back but there is something that happened to make me think that it is possible.

 

About 4 days after we split up she came over and picked up stuff she left over at my house as I previously wrote. Well that same day I e-mailed her mother and best friend. I simply said that it was a pleasure to get to know them and unfortunately Kari and I had to part ways. I wished them luck and all that. Well her mom reply with something to the effect of...: You were always such a nice guy and maybe one day Kari will realize that she made a big mistake. Call if you need anything. ....

 

About a day later she e-mailed me. The first few lines were saying something to effect of ... I know I have been alone with my feelings to sort out and I have been so confused on my life. When I saw you the day I picked my stuff up it really brought out a lot of emotions and made me think that I made a huge mistake. ... (then she got mad) ... Since you decided to drag my family and friends in on this I consider this chapter in my life closed. How dare you involve them.. blah blah blah... To sum up.. she was pissed and didn't to talk to me for a good while it seems.

 

This isn't suppose to happen. It has already been hard and now this. Well I e-mailed back with an apology on all that. I meant no harm and was trying to just be nice and say goodbye and good luck in life to them. Well she e-mailed back and accepted my apology and said she got a little upset. She wished me luck on reaching all my goals. She also thanked me for everything. That was it.

 

I am currently lost and want her back so bad. I know we could work this out and just kills me that we haven't already. She has been through worse in past relationships and this is nothing compared to all that. We have never really argued and were so good to each other. I do believe we belong together. I also know I can't force someone to feel a certain way either.

 

Thanksgiving is around the corner. I was wondering if it would be too much for me to give her a quick call and wish her and her family a happy Thanksgiving.

 

I basically want her to know that I still love her and I am here for her if she needs anything (including me).

 

(I can't sleep at night with all these thoughts running in my head constantly.)

 

 

low-fat-al

[Ally Boo]

You are obsessed! I can't believe you wrote her family and friends. That would piss me off beyond belief too. Get over her and get a hobby or something PLEASE. You remind me of my ex bf.

 

I know you are hurt, but the thing is...you dont love her as much as you think you do. Bc if you did, you wouldn't have her family and friends get involved. You would step back, and love her enough to let her get her stuff done, and hopefully come back. THAT is true love. You are just obsessed. Get some help.

[low-fat-al]

I am NOT obsessed. I am in love with her. I only e-mailed them as nice gesture of a simple hello and goodbye. I have plenty of hobbies (skateboarding, video production, DVD authoring, DJ-ing, music productions, drawing, sculpting, building computers, playing video games) And believe or not I make a living doing most of those hobbies.

 

I just want her back. I am not obsessed.

 

I am sorry if everyone who post problems on these boards, that are their own unique problems keep reminding you of your EX.

You are not keeping a very open opinion of everyones situations if you keep referring back to "Joe"

[butterflyz]

i was supporting your new relationship. i didn't say you were obsessed, but obviously i struck a nerve.

[low-fat-al]

you didn't strike any nerve. You just look like you were venting a situation you may been involved with.

 

As far as you saying I wasn't obsessed.... That was the first thing you said and last in your message. You are confused and need help.

[Ally Boo]

I've tried to help you with your problem.

 

I DO have more than 1 ex. I have been through a lot. And a lot of situations will remind me of previous realtionships. You remind me of the one who was just a little obsessed.

 

I've told you that in my opinion, you need to walk away, bc what you are doing is just probably making your situation worse. But you are too "not obsessed" to take my advice. So, I'll refrain from trying to help you. You are going to do what you want to do anyway. And however you end up making your bed, I won't have to lie in it.

 

However, keep in mind, that if you don't want brutal honest opinions, you don't need to open yourself up to it, by having others analyze your situation.

 

Good Luck.

[low-fat-al]

Ok

 

There was a little confusion in replies to all this. I apologize on any personal attacks.

 

I am really hurting right now because I lost the one I love more than anything. I want her back in my life. I know I should walk away and maybe she will come back. It is all screwed up. It is simply hard to move on not knowing if she feels the same. I guess you can say there is no closure in this situation. I guess I need that so I can either move on or make things right.

 

Once again I do apologize if I offended anyone.

 

 

 

low-fat-al