MipiMissy Posted February 25, 2007 Share Posted February 25, 2007 Kids are grown & gone. No other family obligations. Not much sex before child born, none in 19 years. Constant arguments/strife... divorce discussion frequently. Considers divorce daily. Can't seem to leave. Why? IMO - having read every post here re: sexless marriage - the statement that stands out like a flashing neon sign: Why is the happiness/satisfaction of the partner who doesn't want/refuses sex more important than the happiness of the partner who does want more sex? Our time in this life is short and not infinite. Why do we stay in relationships that do not meet our emotional and physical needs? Please note: I am not advocating that one should leave because it's the end of 1 year and your partner has not had sex with you but 10 times. I am saying that if it's been a significant amount of time and you have put in a sincere effort to fix the problem and the problem won't be fixed... why stay stuck with the problem? I agree that for some people sex is not necessary to an emotionally intimate relationship. And, that's cool... but, let men & women who have little to no sex drive co-habit/marry each other. And those of us who do have a healthy sex drive need to be given the same freedom! But, back to my original question - why would a man who supposedly has a healthy to vigorous sex drive stay in a marriage that has no intimacy, no peace, and no sex? Sign me CONFUSED! Link to post Share on other sites
Woggle Posted February 25, 2007 Share Posted February 25, 2007 Because too many men put up with damn near anything. Link to post Share on other sites
Krytellan Posted February 25, 2007 Share Posted February 25, 2007 Because when we leave because of sex we are "pigs" and don't care about anything more than sex. Look around, men are bashed everywhere for caring too much about sex. Link to post Share on other sites
silktricks Posted February 25, 2007 Share Posted February 25, 2007 a better question is why does anyone? since you are asking with such specifics - are you an OW in his life? Link to post Share on other sites
Mz. Pixie Posted February 26, 2007 Share Posted February 26, 2007 are you an OW in his life? Yeah, this is my question too. Keep in mind, if you are the OW, he probably lies to you about his sex life- painting himself as the victim.................. Link to post Share on other sites
PandorasBox Posted February 26, 2007 Share Posted February 26, 2007 Why do men stay in sexless marriages? Hard to say "WHY." It could be for a number of reasons. I think maybe, the people in those situations only know for sure. Link to post Share on other sites
quankanne Posted February 26, 2007 Share Posted February 26, 2007 only the married partners know for sure. And I imagine if one of them was involved in an extramarital affair, he or she wouldn't be honest about his/her reasons for sleeping around. It's much easier to keep someone hanging on with lies than it is with the truth. Link to post Share on other sites
Lennox Posted February 26, 2007 Share Posted February 26, 2007 I suspect it's not a sexless marriage. Link to post Share on other sites
StayClose Posted February 26, 2007 Share Posted February 26, 2007 Well, in my case all call is a sex-starved mariage rather than a sexless marriage, since 1-3 times a month I do put my penis in her vagina, even if it's obvious she's not into it. The reason I haven't left yet are 1) I recall too well the BS and crap I put up with women as a single man before I met my wife. I was lucky if I had sex three times a year, much less three times a month. 2) We are still compatable in several other areas, which was hard for me to find as well when I was single. 3) In the begining, and at times since, we've had great sex together, which was as good as the best sex we've had with anyone else. So in my case, fixing the existing relaitonship seems a better bet than tossing out everything and deal with a the single crap again in hopes of finding another. Link to post Share on other sites
Author MipiMissy Posted February 27, 2007 Author Share Posted February 27, 2007 Nope, not OW. Family member. We have close, supportive relationship and talk about work, work problems, and over the last several years talked about the demise of his marriage. The "sexless" part was inadvertantly revealed. I was shocked. I've had my doubts it is true, but, heck I'm not about to press the issue. It's just that all the reasons he named that kept him from leaving are gone. I want to be supportive, but, I'm at the point of saying I can't listen to this anymore. If I were that unhappy in my own relationship I would get the heck out. I'm not even close to that unhappy and consider leaving. Link to post Share on other sites
Mz. Pixie Posted February 27, 2007 Share Posted February 27, 2007 Nope, not OW. Family member. We have close, supportive relationship and talk about work, work problems, and over the last several years talked about the demise of his marriage. The "sexless" part was inadvertantly revealed. I was shocked. I've had my doubts it is true, but, heck I'm not about to press the issue. It's just that all the reasons he named that kept him from leaving are gone. I want to be supportive, but, I'm at the point of saying I can't listen to this anymore. If I were that unhappy in my own relationship I would get the heck out. I'm not even close to that unhappy and consider leaving. Sometimes it's just not worth the trouble. When you've been married a long time you're extremely scared of being back out there, I've been there and it took me a long time to work up the courage to leave. Some times people just don't have the courage to up and leave. He may still actually love his partner although he's very unhappy???? I have a friend in this position. They have a pretty much sexless marriage- they only have it if she approaches him because he's been turned down too many times. She's also mentally unstable. He'd promised me he was leaving her after they got their taxes back this year- guess what? That came and went and he's still there. She is abusive too to their children. I feel so bad for him. Deep down though I think he just thinks it would be easier if she would change- and he's waiting for her to change. I personally don't think someone who is as abusive as she is can change but I have to respect his decision to stay in the marriage. I feel bad for him but he is not taking my advice. Link to post Share on other sites
Wick Posted February 27, 2007 Share Posted February 27, 2007 Because too many men put up with damn near anything. QFT Link to post Share on other sites
Sevenmack Posted February 28, 2007 Share Posted February 28, 2007 Originally Posted by Woggle View Post Because too many men put up with damn near anything. QFT Don't forget the other reason: Money. A long-term relationship of any kind usually comes with property and retirement savings. Getting rid of the wife -- or the husband -- can lead to divvying up the assets and therefore, a loss of the full pie. Many marriages remain together because of money, even after the love is gone, for that reason. Several pals of mine are in that situation and I know that some of my relatives are also in that scenario. While there are occasions where spouses break up peacefully and split up the assets rationally, this isn't often the case. And the longer the marriage, the less likely the breakup -- including the financial one -- will be clean and reasonable. What ends up happening in many cases is the Warren Buffett marriage: The husband and wife live separate lives of some sort, but stay together on paper to keep the assets together. In the case of this guy, it may be the option he'll pursue -- and she'll likely agree to it because she's not giving him any sex or affection anyway. Sad. But that's sometimes how it works. Link to post Share on other sites
precious1357 Posted February 28, 2007 Share Posted February 28, 2007 So, if a man in a sexless marriage has a lovely sexual affair outside his marriage, is he really wrong? Link to post Share on other sites
a4a Posted February 28, 2007 Share Posted February 28, 2007 So, if a man in a sexless marriage has a lovely sexual affair outside his marriage, is he really wrong? Yes he is. Link to post Share on other sites
Sevenmack Posted February 28, 2007 Share Posted February 28, 2007 Actually, the answer depends on whether she agrees to let you pursue other women. If she says yes, then you can. If she says no, then you can't. And then you'll have to deal with your options in the latter scenario. There are those such as Dan Savage who say that you can go off and screw around after you have done everything you can to get sexual matters back on track. But while some say you can do secretly, most would say that you have to be open about it -- and I agree. In any case, pursuing other women (or men, for women experiencing the same problem) doesn't solve the real problems within the marriage. Link to post Share on other sites
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