My sister

[the_alchemyst]

Okay. Today my sister proposed an offer to me:

 

She said I could move in with her.

 

:eek:

 

As some of you may now, I live by myself in a small studio. I have lived here since last summer, when my parents split and disappeared to who knows where. Since then, I've had a really hard time in many ways, especially financially because when my parents left, I was given some money and some more afterwards, but not nearly enough to cover for the high prices of where I live.

 

After I stopped getting any money from them, which was fairly soon, I started bouncing from job to job, working just about anywhere.

 

It has been very hard. Very hard. Hard to the point where I even began to consider stripping for money--something I never wanted to do, but felt was my only other "safe" alternative at that time.

 

Right now I'm working two jobs, which aren't physically strenuous, so that's good, but the pay isn't so good. I'm better off at the time being than I was some months ago, but neither of my jobs are stable, so I can very well revert to the same thing in not much time from now.

 

She told me that if I move with her, she will give me a room, pay for my schooling until I get my AA (I'm only a few units away), and that I will only have to work if I want more money for myself (I suppose she means that if I feel what she gives me is not enough), and that she won't "charge" me for staying there or anything else.

 

Considering how much I struggle financially and my vacillating health, it would reasonably follow that this is the first lucky break coming my way, right?

 

Well, I'm not too sure. You see, my sister is a nazi. Really, no joke.

 

She told me there are things which I will absolutely not be able to do anymore. She said I won't be able to:

 

.go out to return whenever i please; that i must be home at a "decent" hour--and that "decent" is to be defined by her, not me

.smoke--anything, and that if she is to catch me, out i go

.slack off, meaning she won't tolerate me getting any grade below a B... if that

.be "emotional"--she doesn't like to hear it, so she won't have it

.have any contact with the exbf--i don't really understand this...she says that if she catches me talking to him in any way whatsoever, out i go because, according to her, she hates him and she won't tolerate him at all

 

I think that's it. When I write them out, they don't sound so bad. They sound like rules a normal parent would impose, minus the last one, I guess. And also, when I write them out, the best choice does seem obvious, but to be honest, I'm scared.

 

She's such a cold person, just like my mom was, and I had so much trouble dealing with it. Her personality resembles my mother's very closely, and I really don't know how well I will do with it.

 

It will be like dealing with a whole new different type of loneliness. Plus, my sister is crazy: everything must be her way, and that's final. And our personalities are SO different that I don't know if this would cause even more discordance between us.

 

Mind you, this is the first time my sister shows any signs of human feelings. Every other time I have spoken with her, she has been cynical and downright nasty. Never before has she really shown any interest in me. In fact, this was so to the point where I honestly felt she harbored deep hatred for me (mainly because of my dad, who's not her dad).

 

I don't know why she suddenly proposed this to me. When I asked her, she gave me an evasive answer, and concluded her statement with her saying she was just hoping I wouldn't be so inept, but that she guessed she was wrong. Jesus.

 

Anyway, I'm confused. She told me to hurry up with my answer because she doesn't have time or patience for my wishy-washy ways.

 

I see the good, I really do, but I also see the bad. Also, I know this is really ridiculous, but apart from her strict "rules," another thing that scares me deeply is the thought of actually having to "give up" the hope of ever reconnecting with my ebxf. I still love him, and were I to accept her offer and were he to come around then, I would have to chose between him and my sister, which is a position I don't ever want to be in.

 

But maybe I shoud just forget about that because it might not ever happen, and even if it does, I should know that it won't do me any good to try it again.

 

You see, I'm all sorts of confused.

 

I'm leaning towards going, though, but . . . ugh. Any thoughts??

[Mark B]

You should go. If men your age have to go face Sunni bullets and Shiite knives to improve their lives I think you can deal with your sister for a year. I think she loves you she's just one of those people who like to show tough love. Love is shown through actions, not words and if she's willing to spend her money sheltering you and sending you to school like a parent then I think that's a pretty good indication of where her heart is.

 

Give it a shot.

[magichands]

, my sister is crazy:

You should get on famously. But hide your CDs.

[CardPlay3r]

Wow alche, that is really bad....sorry but I have to say as long as you can still live on your own without starving don't go

 

The thing you wrote down in there sound really bad and certainly not what any normal parent would do. She is a control freak and if you go you;'ll basically be her slave and she your master.

 

Can't be emotional? Wow, what a psycho she is....sorry but I think while it might help you financially it would hurt you much more emotionally to be treated like a 2 year old, even worse becuase they're allowed to be emotional...

 

P.S. You're from Russia? Never would have guessed

[magichands]

another thing that scares me deeply is the thought of actually having to "give up" the hope of ever reconnecting with my ebxf. I still love him, and were I to accept her offer and were he to come around then, I would have to chose between him and my sister, which is a position I don't ever want to be in.

You're being way too melodramatic. About this bit, anyway.

[the_alchemyst]

Wow alche, that is really bad....sorry but I have to say as long as you can still live on your own without starving don't go

 

The thing you wrote down in there sound really bad and certainly not what any normal parent would do. She is a control freak and if you go you;'ll basically be her slave and she your master.

 

Can't be emotional? Wow, what a psycho she is....sorry but I think while it might help you financially it would hurt you much more emotionally to be treated like a 2 year old, even worse becuase they're allowed to be emotional...

 

P.S. You're from Russia? Never would have guessed

 

Thanks. And yes, this freaks me out, too. She is really controlling. At least, that's certainly how she comes across as.

 

I don't know if she's just doing this in order to try to help me, though. She could have easily not said anything, but she did, and I seriously doubt it's because she just wants another body in her home.

 

She is certainly not one to offer a helping hand just for just, so I know there is something behind this all, and I feel that that something is her wanting to help me.

 

But it's hard to tell because of they way she is, the things she says, and the way she says them.

 

I wish I could just have a civil conversation with her giving me straightforward answers. But that's like asking my mom to act like a mother. Never going to happen.

 

Oh, and...I'm not from Russia.

 

You're being way too melodramatic. About this bit, anyway.

 

I think so too, but it's true. My sister hates his with a passion--she always did. In fact, she concludes that I ought to do the same.

 

But she was very clear on this: I am to have no contact with him or any of my other "loser" friends or else I will lose her support. She essentially says that if I do this behind her back, I will be betraying the little trust we have, so that I can go ahead and forget about everything from the onset.

 

Part of me thinks something is just not right, and part of me thinks this is her way of trying to help.

 

Part of me doesn't want it, but part of me feels that I need it.

 

Argh.

[CardPlay3r]

Well I think you might as well be setting yourself up for some emotional abuse if you stay with her. I mean, already she's telling you you are not allowed to have your friends?? Sorry but wacko comes to mind thinking of your sister

 

Just think about this...you will be giving up your independence for a long time probably, with no apartment of your own or no job she'll be in total control and could demand anything and treat you however she likes because you'll have nowhere to go.

 

And if she decides to throw you out because her schizophrenic mind found you did something wrong you might even end up on the streets. You will have no way out for some time if you stay with her it seems.

 

I don't know about you, but to me even working as a stripper is way better than being someone's puppet...

 

 

P.S. : No matter why she wants to do this, even if in her mind she wants to help you, from what you've described she is downright crazy so there's a high chance you can end up alot worse than you are now

[blind_otter]

Well I think you might as well be setting yourself up for some emotional abuse if you stay with her. I mean, already she's telling you you are not allowed to have your friends?? Sorry but wacko comes to mind thinking of your sister

 

Just think about this...you will be giving up your independence for a long time probably, with no apartment of your own or no job she'll be in total control and could demand anything and treat you however she likes because you'll have nowhere to go.

 

And if she decides to throw you out because her schizophrenic mind found you did something wrong you might even end up on the streets. You will have no way out for some time if you stay with her it seems.

 

I don't know about you, but to me even working as a stripper is way better than being someone's puppet...

 

 

P.S. : No matter why she wants to do this, even if in her mind she wants to help you, from what you've described she is downright crazy so there's a high chance you can end up alot worse than you are now

 

I agree with this advice 100%, Alchemyst. The truth is that you would be paying for this help from your sister, but you would be paying for it emotionally and IMO that is too high a price to pay. It would be one thing if you were allowed some measure of autonomy in the arrangement, but you aren't. You are expected the behave in the manner that your sister believes is appropriate, which means that she will not recognize your personhood - who you are, your choices that shape who you are, your core beliefs.

 

I am in somewhat of a similar situation. I know that I would be able to save money and go back to school easier if I lived with my Mother....but that would mean making compromises that I am not prepared to make. I would rather struggle on my own than be under someone else's thumb.

 

Ultimately though, it's up to you to decide if you are willing to pay the price to have some financial pressures taken off.

[sb129]

Hey Alchemyst, when you wrote those things down, I think they sounded even worse!!

Your sister sounds like HARD WORK.

 

I wouldn't go.

[Touche]

You'd be foolish to let this opportunity to turn your life around go. I don't think her "rules" are unreasonable at all.

[magichands]

You'd be foolish to let this opportunity to turn your life around go. I don't think her "rules" are unreasonable at all.

Exactly. This is her sister. I think some of the posters have gone off the deep end, and into the open ocean.

[Storyrider]

Some of the things your sister is asking you to do are things you've wanted to do on your own anyway, right? Like moving on from the ex boyfriend, and quitting the smoking? And you might feel better not being in solitude so much. The rules sound like they will be difficult, but at least she is being up front abut her expectations.

 

You could spin it as a sort of tough love, spa experience.

 

It is only temporary. Can you imagine setting a deadline and moving on afterward if it doesn't work for you? Maybe just give it a year.

[CardPlay3r]

You'd be foolish to let this opportunity to turn your life around go. I don't think her "rules" are unreasonable at all.

 

Ok, just to clarify, you don't think her not being allowed to have friends and not being allowed to show emotion is unreasonable? She's 22 if I remember correctly...

 

What worries me more than is that she might turn into an emotional abuser which would bring up a whole new world of problems...

 

Thank you blind otter for agreeing

[Touche]

Ok, just to clarify, you don't think her not being allowed to have friends and not being allowed to show emotion is unreasonable? She's 22 if I remember correctly...

 

What worries me more than is that she might turn into an emotional abuser which would bring up a whole new world of problems...

 

Thank you blind otter for agreeing

 

I don't see where Alch's sister said she couldn't have friends. There was mention of the ex only...so not sure where you're getting that.

 

Alch isn't 22 as far as I know. I believe she's 20...not that this is relevant anyway.

 

Her sister didn't say to not show emotion...read it again. She just doesn't want her getting "emotional." There IS a difference.

 

I'm not sure how you're jumping from her sister's reasonable rules to her being an emotional abuser. That's ridiculous.

[magichands]

Ok, just to clarify, you don't think her not being allowed to have friends and not being allowed to show emotion is unreasonable?

Give me a break.

She's 22 if I remember correctly...

Try 20.

[magichands]

I'm not sure how you're jumping from her sister's reasonable rules to her being an emotional abuser. That's ridiculous.

Agreed. There are three sides to every story.

[Storyrider]

But I'm guessing there are common sense reasons behind some of the rules, Cardplayer. Health problems are in the picture, for one thing. And her sister may associate the friends and exboyfriend with her smoking, which isn't good for her health or her ability to succeed in school.

 

Admittedly, I may be giving the sister too much credit.

[magichands]

Admittedly, I may be giving the sister too much credit.

I don't think so. She's not exactly sitting behind the grassy knoll, or anything.

[CardPlay3r]

I don't see where Alch's sister said she couldn't have friends. There was mention of the ex only...so not sure where you're getting that.

 

 

But she was very clear on this: I am to have no contact with him or any of my other "loser" friends or else I will lose her support. She essentially says that if I do this behind her back, I will be betraying the little trust we have, so that I can go ahead and forget about everything from the onset.

 

 

 

That's where I got it from. So, no contact with her ex-bf and her friends, if that's not controlling I don't know what is. That is a very common thing for abusers to make their victim cut everyone else off, so alchemyst would be totally dependent on her and I don't only mean financially.

 

People NEED friends for crying out loud, it's a basic human need to socialize.

[Pyro]

She told me that if I move with her, she will give me a room, pay for my schooling until I get my AA (I'm only a few units away), and that I will only have to work if I want more money for myself (I suppose she means that if I feel what she gives me is not enough), and that she won't "charge" me for staying there or anything else.

 

Well, I'm not too sure. You see, my sister is a nazi. Really, no joke.

 

She told me there are things which I will absolutely not be able to do anymore. She said I won't be able to:

 

.go out to return whenever i please; that i must be home at a "decent" hour--and that "decent" is to be defined by her, not me

.smoke--anything, and that if she is to catch me, out i go

.slack off, meaning she won't tolerate me getting any grade below a B... if that

.be "emotional"--she doesn't like to hear it, so she won't have it

.have any contact with the exbf--i don't really understand this...she says that if she catches me talking to him in any way whatsoever, out i go because, according to her, she hates him and she won't tolerate him at all

 

I think that's it. When I write them out, they don't sound so bad. They sound like rules a normal parent would impose, minus the last one, I guess. And also, when I write them out, the best choice does seem obvious, but to be honest, I'm scared.

 

She's such a cold person, just like my mom was, and I had so much trouble dealing with it. Her personality resembles my mother's very closely, and I really don't know how well I will do with it.

 

It will be like dealing with a whole new different type of loneliness. Plus, my sister is crazy: everything must be her way, and that's final. And our personalities are SO different that I don't know if this would cause even more discordance between us.

 

Mind you, this is the first time my sister shows any signs of human feelings. Every other time I have spoken with her, she has been cynical and downright nasty. Never before has she really shown any interest in me. In fact, this was so to the point where I honestly felt she harbored deep hatred for me (mainly because of my dad, who's not her dad).

 

I don't know why she suddenly proposed this to me. When I asked her, she gave me an evasive answer, and concluded her statement with her saying she was just hoping I wouldn't be so inept, but that she guessed she was wrong. Jesus.

 

Anyway, I'm confused. She told me to hurry up with my answer because she doesn't have time or patience for my wishy-washy ways.

 

I see the good, I really do, but I also see the bad. Also, I know this is really ridiculous, but apart from her strict "rules," another thing that scares me deeply is the thought of actually having to "give up" the hope of ever reconnecting with my ebxf. I still love him, and were I to accept her offer and were he to come around then, I would have to chose between him and my sister, which is a position I don't ever want to be in.

 

Any thoughts??

 

 

This is a tough decision here. I mean both sides have their pros and cons.

 

The problem with moving in with your sister is that from the sounds of it, she could at any moment, just change her mind and kick you out of the house, regardles of whether or not you broke one of her rules. Plus the fact that she told you to hurry up and make a decision because she doesn't want to deal with your wishy washiness, just shows that she will not delay in the emotional abuse.

 

Its good that she wants to keep you away from drugs, bad influences (your ex), and she wants you to get good grades, but IMO, she is going a tad overboard with some of her rules. Not allowed to get "emotional"? Not allowed to see, according to her, your "loser friends"?

 

I think that a compromise with her would be the best idea, if you were to move in with her, but like you said, she likes to have things her way, so that probably will not happen.

[Touche]

Ok. I was reading the part where she just listed the rules.

 

I still don't see a problem with it. Sounds like it's a good idea to get away from those who are not a good influence on her. It's pretty hard to turn your life around if you're still hanging around with people who will bring you down.

 

Didn't you read the part about the sister paying for her tuition? Didn't you read the part about her sister not charging her rent? Her sister wants to HELP her..not ENABLE her current lifestyle.

 

Why don't some of you get that?

[Pyro]

Ok. I was reading the part where she just listed the rules.

 

I still don't see a problem with it. Sounds like it's a good idea to get away from those who are not a good influence on her. It's pretty hard to turn your life around if you're still hanging around with people who will bring you down.

 

Didn't you read the part about the sister paying for her tuition? Didn't you read the part about her sister not charging her rent? Her sister wants to HELP her..not ENABLE her current lifestyle.

 

Why don't some of you get that?

 

I understand that she wants to help Alchemyst out, but also from how she described her sister, her sister could for no reason at all and at any time throw her out with no warning and then where will she be?

 

Her sister also has the words "emotional abuser" written all over her. No one should tolerate living with anyone like that.

[CardPlay3r]

What is wrong with her current lifestyle? And why are her friends a bad influence? Where did you get that from? Just because her sister thinks so?

 

And thanks to riddler for making me not feel like the lone 'lunatic' as some put it in thinking her sister might be an emotional abuser

[Touche]

What is wrong with her current lifestyle? And why are her friends a bad influence? Where did you get that from? Just because her sister thinks so?

 

And thanks to riddler for making me not feel like the lone 'lunatic' as some put it in thinking her sister might be an emotional abuser

 

What's wrong with her current lifestyle? Aske her...or read back on her past posts maybe. It's not working for her. What's wrong with getting a hand up? She's lucky to even have that opportunity.

 

How could letting her sister help her make her any worse off than she is now?

 

Rid, she's not in a great place now. She's one step away from being thrown out of her current place anyway...she said so herself. So why not be one step away from being tossed out while being helped? Besides, she has a lot of control as to whether she's kicked out or not. She only has to follow her sister's reasonable requests.

 

I don't see "emotional abuser" written all over her sister at all. You guys are crazy!

 

Look, her life ain't working the way it is now...ever heard the expression "if you keep on doing what you have been doing, you'll keep on getting what you've been getting?"

 

I don't think Alch wants more of the same in her life. She needs a hand up. We've ALL needed that at one time or another.

 

Why is her sister being villified for trying to herl Alch?

 

Alch, I really hope you don't listen to the naysayers. Your sister just wants you to make a decision on this.

 

I say do it. It could be the best thing to happen to you in a long time. Let her help you.

[Pyro]

What's wrong with her current lifestyle? Aske her...or read back on her past posts maybe. It's not working for her. What's wrong with getting a hand up? She's lucky to even have that opportunity.

 

How could letting her sister help her make her any worse off than she is now?

 

Rid, she's not in a great place now. She's one step away from being thrown out of her current place anyway...she said so herself. So why not be one step away from being tossed out while being helped? Besides, she has a lot of control as to whether she's kicked out or not. She only has to follow her sister's reasonable requests.

 

I don't see "emotional abuser" written all over her sister at all. You guys are crazy!

 

Look, her life ain't working the way it is now...ever heard the expression "if you keep on doing what you have been doing, you'll keep on getting what you've been getting?"

 

I don't think Alch wants more of the same in her life. She needs a hand up. We've ALL needed that at one time or another.

 

Why is her sister being villified for trying to herl Alch?

 

Alch, I really hope you don't listen to the naysayers. You're sister just wants you to make a decision on this.

 

I say do it. It could be the best thing to happen to you in a long time. Let her help you.

 

Like I said, ther are pros and cons to each decision. She still does have options in terms of making money and surviving on her own.

 

I think that it is great that her sister wants to help, but Alch even said that her sister is alot like her mom and looking at past posts about her mom, her mom is cold hearted.

 

IMO, reading the info about her sister sounds like that she is an emotional abuser. I think that some of those rules are too controlling. From the sounds of it, she basically want to control how Alch thinks and feels (no getting emotional). Yes all that she has to do is follow her sisters reasonable requests, but what about all the unreasonable requests?

 

In the end Alch will make what she feels is the best decision for her. All that I ask is for her to weigh out the options first.