help please

[siriusanimagus]

Alright, here we go... I'm a 19 year old male and I need some help. There's a girl that I've been going after for a long time. She is also 19 and she has a daughter. Here's the tricky part... she is engaged to the father of her daughter. I know I should just leave them be, let them have their own lives, but I can't let it go. He treats her very badly and she puts up with it. We are freshmen in college and at our freshman orientation, he left with another girl and never came back to pick her up, so I waited with her and gave her a ride home when she gave up on him coming back... this is just one of many instances that he has treated her badly.

 

I've been in love with this girl for 6 years, since junior high, but after a while, I gave up. But a few days ago, I started thinking about my life and I realized that I need this girl, but I don't know what to do. I need advice on what I can do or say to do something about it. I don't want to wreck their relationship, but at the same time I do... I know I'm probably being selfish but I'm just really confused right now and I need some help.

[Tony T]

No problem you being this lady's friend. But don't stick around waiting for her to fall for you. It's pretty clear she likes dysfunction and chaos. She likes men who show her no respect or consideration. She likes men who crap all over her.

 

You seem like a pretty nice guy, which automatically disqualifies you...at least for a very long while.

 

You don't need somebody like this in your life anyway. Maybe in the years to come, she'll see the light. But right now, she's going to stay with this dude because it appears she's used to being treated poorly.

 

Some people feel really weird and out of place when somebody treats them kindly and with respect. She's just going to have to learn in her own good time.

 

Meanwhile, go find yourself a nice lady who's available, unmarried, and who has got a good head on her shoulders. Right now, you're only asking for trouble with this one.

[butterflyz]

and let the chips fall where they may.

 

question, what do you mean when you say you "need" her? a little advice, women don't want to be "needed" they want to be "wanted". i get the creeps when a guy tells me he "needs" me, needs me for what? everything you need is inside of you.

if you "need" her then you will objectify her and use her to fill some void that's not her responsibility to fill.

 

yes, i would say you are selfish.

[HokeyReligions]

Sirius it doesn't sound like true love - more of a crush and habit. I think its sweet that you care about this girl and her happiness, but it's not your job to rescue her from a bad situation.

 

You will be surprised when you really do fall in love, at how wonderful and scary it is! I think you need to put some effort into getting over her and moving on. Even if you don't really want to date others right now -- try it just for fun. See what it's like to meet and get to know a variety of girls. What are some of your interests and hobbies? Finding someone who shares them is great, and the road to finding someone can be fun too.

 

You are too young to take on a burden like this right now when you don't have to. You need to put some closure on this psuedo-relationship and tell the girl that you care about her and you thought you were in love with her, but you realize that you are being unfair to both of you and by trying to be supportive of her you are only enabling her to continue on what you see as a self-destructive path. Wish her well and move on.

 

BTW - I like your handle --- Who are you taking to see the new Harry Potter movie on Friday? Ask someone new! Talking about Harry Potter is a great ice-breaker to start a conversation. My husband and I are going to see the movie on Friday. I adore HP!