Should I stay or should I go!!

[doglick]

I have been married for 11 year. We have a 8 year old boy. About 4 months ago my wife told me she loves me but not the same anymore.I thought she was depressed , since she is a stay at home mom and I work alot and now our son is in school full time.So she went to the GP had all the test came back normal. She then went to a head srinker and she said depression is out and that we never had communication. I could see this since my phone rings alot ,do to my busnesses.I ask my wife what do we do to fix this she replies she doesnt know if it can be fixed.

 

She thinks we could try couples consouling ,but that she knows lots of couple that start fighting after they start. We talk ,we dont fight ,but I can find a solution.

 

Sometimes I think she doesnt really know if she wants to find one or not. Shes 35 im 39. I had her sign a separation agreement , I dont want a war if we cant work through this. All went fine ,so what do I do now?

 

I think If I give her space mabey she will miss me and want me back. Im a good guy , never cheated, dont drink or smoke and always provided a great standard of living for her , trips, cars and money. So what to do now. There is no other man that is 4 sure.

 

Sometimes i think she needs to find herself. I know her srink said she lost her self worth becuase of not working and putting the financail part ,if any into our marriage.She started going to nite school , 2 nites a week learning sign lanuage .I see her enjoying something new.All I want is for her to be happy and love me again.Should I give her space?

Move out? any ideas?

[Pigblue]

Try and stay together for now. My wife and I separated in 04 - to try and work things out, but it seemed to create new problems while fixing some of the old. If you aren't fighting now, chances are that you won't start fighting after counselling. Perhaps try individual counselling.

Communication is the key - thing is, sometimes we think we are doing a great job [communicating] when in fact we're not. Well, that is one of my issues at present. Hang in there mate.

[AHIWON]

MC could certainly help as well as IC for both of you. Looks like neither of you are overreacting at this point which is good. Hopefully you will figure it and be a happy family again.

[MoonGirl]

Hi there,

 

All marriages have problems. Separation should be your last resort, in my opinion.

 

Go to www.marriagebuilders.com. There is a lot of information about saving a marriage there.

 

Keep posting here too.

[Gunny376]

This one my actually be repaiable!

 

Whatevr you do ~ don't move out ~ it will only make things worse in your case.

 

What you, yourself, need to do is to get some IC ~ forget MC for the time being ~ just give the wife some time and space tempoarly. Why IC, because 1. There's a lot of things that you need to know about being married, and such that you didn't get in Marriage 101. What? You missed that one ~ a lot of people do. 2. You need to work on improving your communication skills ~ re-defining. I'm not say your not communicating nor that your lacking in communicating skills, I'm saying you need to learn new ways of approaching it from a different perspective ~ get some new tools and new approaches. 3. Clearly your marriage is a point where you and the wife need to not only re-define your marriage and relationship, but re-negotiate it the terms and bounderies.

 

You need to determine your DW's love style, and yours as well, go to Marriagebuilder. com and start reading there, get some books, "The Five Languages Of Love" & Divorcebusting.

 

Im a good guy , never cheated, dont drink or smoke and always provided a great standard of living for her , trips, cars and money. So what to do now. There is no other man that is 4 sure.

 

Don't think for a second, that this is enough to hold a marriage together, if your not meeting her intimate, (I'm not just talking sexual intimacy here either, Bud) emotional and other needs, you're just as much a goner.

 

Nice guys, and multi-billionaires and millionaires get divorce everyday. There's a reason Warren Buffet's wife left him. Just as many wifes leave their husband's because they're "work-a-holoics" as they do because they're alcholalics.

 

While I was at it, I'd suggest you check out "Light Her Fire" "1001 Ways To Be Romantic" and other such books.

 

Sounds like to me, her Fire for you might have gone out ~ but the pilot light still lit.

 

I work alot and now our son is in school full time.

 

Unless you want to find yourself with a walk-away-wife, you'd best be re-defining what your priorties are in life. You'd be surprised how many women care more about you and being with you, and spending time with you, one-on-one, and as a family than they do the luxuary sedan in the driveway, and a big house. Via the court system, and their jobs, most women don't need a man to support them, but they do need a little loving, and huggin' :love: :love:

[doglick]

I just find that when she says stuff like she doesnt want to kiss me or have sex becuase it might give me the wrong idea . One night she said it was only sex and the only reasone she had sex with me for the last 6 month is becuase she felt obligated. I keep thinking the light switch is going to turn back on one day ,but i find i was getting resentful towards her. I am getting 0 attention.

 

I tryed for the first 2 months to hold her and give he attention. She said i was trying to hard. So i eased back and find i get nil unless i start it. I think if i give her space mabey she will miss me . i dont know i have never been here before. I think the only reason i havnet moved out is becuase of my son . I dont want to hurt him. i am confused so I just concentrate on work now. If i move i think she might find a place in her heart for me again or not. but at least i'll know . what to do.

[Pigblue]

Doglick, please get some IC. I'm no shrink, but she has to have some form of counselling too. Something just doesn't sound right. You need to take action now to save your marriage.

[Gunny376]

What I'm about to propose to you is pretty wild ~ but it might just be what you need to jump-start your marriage.

 

What you're expercing is your marriage sliding into a martial comma. Half of all first time marriages end in marriage, ~ percentage wise the best chance you have of making marriage work is generally in your firs marrage, as the divroce rate for second, thrid, etc marriages is even higher than the first.

 

She's become bored, complacent, is taking you and the marriage for granted. When you try and get back to where you once were ~ you're told you're trying too hard, but you're gut insistinct is right ~ if things continue as they are ~ then one day you're going to get the "I love you, but I'm not in love with you" speech, which more times than not is a single that she's either found someone else or that she's considering finding someone else.

 

You accent your job, and that you provide a good standard of living ~ but I'm telling you that's not enough to hold a marriage together. As Willie Nelson and Waylon Jennings once lamented in the song "Lucnback, Texas" ~ "all this successful living is tearing us apart. You've got to as Vince Lombardi use to say get back to the basics, and the fundamentals.

 

Dr. Ellen Kreidmen's program of "Light Her Fire" would be a good place to start, but from your post I'd doubt that it would do you much good, as she sounds as she's shut down to that ~ and from that. Again, I would encourage you to look into it, and to put it in your tool chest for later down the road.

 

MC ~ IC, that's a hit and miss IMHO. They come in one of two categories ~ either damn good, or not worth a damn. Generally there is no in-between. And while going to MC and/or IC alone serves a purpose to a point ~ past a certain point the ROI (return on investment) of time, effort, and energy is diminishing without the co-operation of the other party. I mean, once you've worked through all of your own personal issues, preconceived prejudices, myths, fallacies, childhood ~ there's only so much that you can do in a marriage by yourself, if the other party isn't engaged in some way and on some level.

 

"Obligatory sex" isn't fun, and many women have been lead mis-astray into thinking that sex for men is mearly a physical act. If that's all it was, why in the Hell would we get married, when we could get by with a hooker?!

 

I'm not telling you what to do, nor am I suggesting you do what I'm about to write, I'm just telling you what I would do giving what you've posted.

 

Understand that, and understand that I've already gone through the mud, blood, tears and beers many, many years ago.

 

I'd leave!

 

I would pack my trash and leave.

 

To me? Life's just too freaking short to be living it half-ass! Going through the motions. One day mulling into the next! I refuse to get into a realtionship, be in a relationship where I'm sitting around in the den watching TV, and she's in the bedroom watching tv. I refuse to live in a marriage where all we talk about is what bills need to be paid, and what we're going to do ~ aka what chores need to be doing. I refuse to live a life where my sex-life comes down "obligatory-sex" "Wow! That was GREAT! I especially like the part where you actually moved and actually exhaled!"

 

It really PMO, that there are way too many women out here, that actually think that in so long as they have sex with me ~ that its all I need and require?! Wrong! What I want and need is a woman that's fully engaged with me ~ mentally, emotionally, spiritually ~ is that too much to ask for?

 

That's in-tuned with me, and that is part of the freaking solutions and answers, instead of part of the questions and problems? Either be part fo the answers and solutions ~ or be gone!

[doglick]

Gunny,

I have already had that line thrown at me..... I love you ,but not in love with you.That was said to me about 2 month ago. I starting a new thread on Love shack , but all that people said was that she was cheating on me.People cant seem to understand that there is no other man. And she is not thinking about another man.I am not saying that mabey she might be getting the " grass is greener " idea , who knows. I know she is not happy. I think mabey space is good ,but I just donmt know.

[Sup]

Gunny,

I have already had that line thrown at me..... I love you ,but not in love with you.That was said to me about 2 month ago. I starting a new thread on Love shack , but all that people said was that she was cheating on me.People cant seem to understand that there is no other man. And she is not thinking about another man.I am not saying that mabey she might be getting the " grass is greener " idea , who knows. I know she is not happy. I think mabey space is good ,but I just donmt know.

 

 

That you KNOW of! She may have met someone at those Sign language classes, for example!

[AHIWON]

There may not be another man. Bring it up when you are relaxed and in a good mood. Be sincere with a calm voice and ask her what she meant by that. Explore it a bit but be sensitive to her feelings. Listen more and talk less. Likely you will figure it out. Post back on your findings.

[doglick]

Like i said this is confirmed. and i have sat down in a calm voice and talked. She says that she doesnt think i will ever slow down as i work 6 days aweek and take calls on sunday. This has given her the ability to stay home and raise our child and have a good standard of living. She says she will always love me but dont love me like she should.

 

I think staying home and not bringing home an income has not been good for my wifes individual self worth. Thats is what her IC has told her. Our son is now 8 and has his own life, more so. The IC says we never had communication. I just tell her i want her to be happy ,but she doesnt know what we should do. I ask her how we can fix this and she replies she doesnt know if it can be fixed. We went on a nice 2 week trip with our son together , no phone , no work just family time.

 

I thought this would make a differance but nope same **** when we come home. And anytime on the trip that i wanted some companionship I had to start it off. She just seems hardened not just towards me but her family as well. I think she needs to get her self worth back and get her **** figured out before we can work on our marrage. any feeback?

thanks

[Guest]

it is now been 4 months.. same ****. i ask her how to fix this and all i get is , " i dont know if it can be fixed" . I get no affection, no kisses, no nothing. If she would give me sex it would be outa obligation and that doesnt work for me.

i keep thinking mabey mc but i think she need to figure her own stuff out first.

[Gunny376]

My XW's primary reason for divorcing me was because I was a "work-a-holic"

 

When I was in the Marines, I never worked less than 60 hours a week, when I was on the Drill Field ( Drill Instructor) 70 and 80 hour weeks were the norm ~ it was can to can't.

 

It was what I had to do to survive and thrive and cover my azz!

 

I tried to explain to the XW, that you either "pay now ~ and play for the rest of your life ~ or play first and pay for the rest of your life.

 

Now that I'm retired (at age 38) I've got the neccessities of life covered, I can flip burgers at Mikey D's and still live a decent life.

 

My point is ~ you're going to have to make some choices, becuase you see the problem as the wife being a SAHM, while I see it as you're working too much?! While you were out taking care of business ~ you neglected taking care of business at home.

 

I recall reading (I believe it was the book "Crazy Time" ~ a book about the craziness of divorce) where a guy worked all the time, kept his nose to the grindstone, made VP and was proud of the fact ~ when he came home and told his wife, she told him she wasn't happy, that now the children were grown, she was leaving, and instead of the big house, the cars and all the stuff ~ she wished he had spent more time with her and the children.

 

The change that I think you need to make is in yourself, in your priorties in life. I think you may need to downsize your expectations, tell the "Joneses" to go to Hell, and spend more quality time with you wife and child. In short, its time to catch the bus to Mexico. This successful life your living ~ is killing your marriage.

 

The job I've got now ~ I work 40 hours a week, I turn down over-time ~ I don't want it. I now live a simple un-complicated life. The job I have is low-stress, no-stress, the people I work for and with are , and I've got a lot of automy to come and go, and do as I want ~ in so long as I do the job and do it right.

 

You need to make about $40,000 a year (or the L.A, San Francisco, NYNY equivalent ~ I live in rural Alabama) to live a decent life. Other than that? You're just working yourself to death and an early grave.

 

And, that's not just coming from me, but from a guy that wrote a piece on MSNBC ~ who rose to the ranks of an investment banker. In it he said he was happiest in and with life when he made about $40,000, past that point? You're just buying the BMW's the Mercedes, the $500 suits, and houses to keep up with the crowd your running with.

 

The guy I work for is a self made multi-millionaire ~ and one of the most miserable SOB's I've ever meet. A&E just ran a show called "The Curse of The Lottery" where a guy in Texas won $36 million ~ and three years later killed himself, because his wife of 20+ years left him! Warren Buffet's (worth $30-50 billion dollars) left him because all he thinks about is making money!

 

Life's too short!

 

Goggle "Light Her Fire" re-arrange your priorties, make your wife and marriage a priorty, court your wife, date your mate, make winning her affection again a priorty.

 

If it was me? I'd move out and then ask her out on a date ~ I'd take it back down to the basics and fundamentals, and start all over again. I'd explain that I loved her, I want her, I need her, but that over time I know I've jumped the track ~ and that I've got to get her affection and love back the old fashion way ~ I've got to work for it, earn it!

 

My last GF when I would get frisky~ would shove me away and tell me, "It doesn't come that easy~ you've got to work for it!" :love: :love: grrrrrrrrrrrrrr!

[scubafish]

well, as far as the 'i love you, but not in love', I heard that for 3 months, with no effort/attempt/interest to fix, totaln denial about there being anyone else. then found out he WAS actually seeing someone else! that is where all his interest was going.

[scubafish]

I tried to explain to the XW, that you either "pay now ~ and play for the rest of your life ~ or play first and pay for the rest of your life.

 

 

when my workaholic hubby was going through his 70 hours workweeks, I totally understood this principle, and stood by it, and supported his decision. now, 20 years later, when we have a comfortable lifestyle, and this is the year his job changed a little and allows him to only work 40 hours, I am the one he left. I didn't leave him.

it hurts so much from my point, I was putting my wants on hold all this time, and now, when we could do fun things, he is doing them with someone else. I will get the house to still enjoy, but what fun is that when you are alone......

 

so, it is not always the waiting spouse who leaves

[Gunny376]

Ahhhhhhh! The old, "I love you, but I'm not in love with you, and NO, there's no one else! Are you going to believe me or your lying eyes!"

 

Let me help you out here, while you've been so busy taking care of business so that you can put a roof over her head, food in her mouth, clothes on her back ~ someone else has been taking care of your business at home.

 

Kick her out!

 

You want to save the marraige? Kick her out!

 

You want her? Kick her out!

 

No talking, no MC, nothing! Kick her out ~ first!

[Gunny376]

when my workaholic hubby was going through his 70 hours workweeks, I totally understood this principle, and stood by it, and supported his decision. now, 20 years later, when we have a comfortable lifestyle, and this is the year his job changed a little and allows him to only work 40 hours, I am the one he left. I didn't leave him.

it hurts so much from my point, I was putting my wants on hold all this time, and now, when we could do fun things, he is doing them with someone else. I will get the house to still enjoy, but what fun is that when you are alone......

 

so, it is not always the waiting spouse who leaves

 

 

LOL! We were just mis-matched?!

[Gunny376]

Sorry DL, I got you mixed up with SF?

[doglick]

Gunny, I think you are right and if i want her back , i have to move out and date her then show her i can change. The question is do i want to change?

 

im turning 40 and I work smart i could retire in mexico anytime i want. Im not at work 70 hours a week, im simply on the phone doing deals and such. The funny thing is when she went to her IC all they talked about was my phone saying it was the 3rd person in our marriage. For $140 an hour i had hoped they could take about alittle more then that.

 

In the last summer I dint not work much. I stayed home went out on the boat enjoyed the weather . When i asked her to spend time all i got back was "dont expect us to have time to spend with you , now that you have time to spend with us." I sense alot of resentment and i dont know why. I have been married for 11 year never cheated on her , dont drink or smoke and am a good father. I dont understand the love you ,but not in Love with you ****. I thought being a good provided and loving husband and father was enough. I know im not perfect , yes i could have turned off my phone and let money go down the tank , but I came from nothing and want to provide a good standard of life for my family.

 

I think the thing is do i want to change , and do i want to fix things now. I thought i did so much , i would cry every nite worring , but now i dont cry anymore and i think im even starting to resent my wife mabey alittle for drtopping the love you not in love with you bomb on me.

I know i have to move out, but i dont want to hurt my son . any ideas?

[Gunny376]

Yea! A couple

 

One is Goggle Dr. Hellen Kreidmans "Light Her Fire" program ~ it'll cost you about $100.

 

The second is pick up a copy of "Self Matters" and the workbook that goes with it, by Dr. Phil McGraw

 

The third is get a copy of Dr. Phil McGraw's book "Relationship Rescue"

 

The next is Goggle, "Secrets of the Alpha Male" and Carlos Xuma.

 

Look into "Divorce-busting" and "Marriagebuilder's website!

 

Also check out the books by the same name, and the book offers on those web-sites.

[MoonGirl]

Gunny, I think you are right and if i want her back , i have to move out and date her then show her i can change. The question is do i want to change?

 

im turning 40 and I work smart i could retire in mexico anytime i want. Im not at work 70 hours a week, im simply on the phone doing deals and such. The funny thing is when she went to her IC all they talked about was my phone saying it was the 3rd person in our marriage. For $140 an hour i had hoped they could take about alittle more then that.

 

In the last summer I dint not work much. I stayed home went out on the boat enjoyed the weather . When i asked her to spend time all i got back was "dont expect us to have time to spend with you , now that you have time to spend with us." I sense alot of resentment and i dont know why. I have been married for 11 year never cheated on her , dont drink or smoke and am a good father. I dont understand the love you ,but not in Love with you ****. I thought being a good provided and loving husband and father was enough. I know im not perfect , yes i could have turned off my phone and let money go down the tank , but I came from nothing and want to provide a good standard of life for my family.

 

I think the thing is do i want to change , and do i want to fix things now. I thought i did so much , i would cry every nite worring , but now i dont cry anymore and i think im even starting to resent my wife mabey alittle for drtopping the love you not in love with you bomb on me.

I know i have to move out, but i dont want to hurt my son . any ideas?

 

 

People have to change with a relationship in order to make it work. Speaking from experience, if you fail to show your wife that you care and want to work on the marriage, she will resent you even more.

 

Sometimes being a good provider and your definition of a loving husband and father is not enough. You have to try to reignite that "spark" and it can be done.

 

There is also a lot of useful information on the marriage builders website. There are some Emotional Needs and Love Busters forms you can fill out with your wife to see what "needs" she has and to know how you can meet those "needs."

 

So, you'd retire in Mexico and leave your son behind??? I hope not!