Raleuse Posted February 26, 2007 Share Posted February 26, 2007 Felt bad hijacking someone else's thread but wanted to thank Moongirl and CP3r who answered my question: because it's an addiction for them too, they're too used to 'owning' someone and constantly put them down... ...Well the whole reason for why it works is because the victim loves the abuser too much to leave, if there was no attachment noone would let people hit them ruin their self esteem etc.. Just leave while you can, before you get so attached and addicted you won't be able to Thanks CP3r, the first sentence is so true but then the question is, is he abusive because he gets a kick out of putting me down or because of his own inner demons? In the second case, he does need the support of others but then I'm probably not strong enough. I have my own demons to fight that have come back to the surface since I've met him and I do need to take care of myself. Sometimes it's scary how alike we both are - only I will hurt myself (by falling obsessively in love with someone like him) while he hurts others (who like me are 'stupid' enough to love him). Link to post Share on other sites
CardPlay3r Posted February 26, 2007 Share Posted February 26, 2007 You're welcome....I don't think it matters whether it's because of mental illness or sometimes premeditated, the thing is you can't 'help' him, he doesn't want help doesn't admit to having a problem. And there's how he messed with your mind, I mean this guy beat you up constantly put you down and you're thinking more about helping him...you need to stay away from this guy for good Link to post Share on other sites
MoonGirl Posted February 26, 2007 Share Posted February 26, 2007 Felt bad hijacking someone else's thread but wanted to thank Moongirl and CP3r who answered my question: Thanks CP3r, the first sentence is so true but then the question is, is he abusive because he gets a kick out of putting me down or because of his own inner demons? In the second case, he does need the support of others but then I'm probably not strong enough. I have my own demons to fight that have come back to the surface since I've met him and I do need to take care of myself. Sometimes it's scary how alike we both are - only I will hurt myself (by falling obsessively in love with someone like him) while he hurts others (who like me are 'stupid' enough to love him). You're welcome. I am always here to help someone rid their lives of an abuser because I can relate to the feelings of helplessness, wanting to fix the abuser, and feeling guilty about leaving. You can try to analyze the behavior of an abuser until the day you die, and you may never come to any conclusion. I have known my husband for over 13 years, was in a relationship with him for 6, and I still have no idea what drives his abusive behavior. Of course, like you, I have analyzed it again and again, have spent gobs of therapy sessions (just me and a therapist) talking about his behavior and why he might do what he does, and I've even asked him...but, of course, he says, "I'm not an abuser." There is no way you'll ever know what drives your abuser to do what he does because you will never be able to think like he does. All you need to know is that your relationship is NOT healthy. Leave him before he sucks you in even more. His inner demons are NOT your problem. I know you think he had terrible role models and that perhaps you can teach him how to behave. He will never be able to understand how to behave because he is not wired the same way you are. I want to address your "not strong enough" statement. After you leave this guy (which I seriously hope you do), you will find this statement hilarious. You live in a 1st world country, you have a whole life ahead of you with so many opportunities. Why in the world would you sacrifice your happiness for an abuser? Why go to boot camp just for fun? What's the point? To be walking on eggshells for the rest of your life? So you can have little kids who grow up to be just like him? The only way you can heal yourself and take care of your own demons is if you're in a stable safe environment...away from a guy who abuses you. This guy does not love you. He may think he loves you, and he has obviously convinced you he loves you. But anyone who calls you stupid, weak, and messes with your mind only loves controlling you. I don't mean to hurt you. I am only trying to help you see reality. Please leave this guy. He is not worth your time and emotion. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Raleuse Posted February 28, 2007 Author Share Posted February 28, 2007 I certainly do know he doesn't love me - he's told me so himself - but he wanted us to stay friends (with then without benefits). And I still love him. I realise all you are saying is true but right now, he is the sweetest and most charming person to be around and I could not make the slightest move. Since I do know he will get mad again, I'm hoping it will be trigger for me to leave and move on. I have to admit every argument has pushed us a little more apart - just enough for me not to love him anymore. Thanks. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Raleuse Posted February 28, 2007 Author Share Posted February 28, 2007 All you need to know is that your relationship is NOT healthy. Leave him before he sucks you in even more. His inner demons are NOT your problem. I know you think he had terrible role models and that perhaps you can teach him how to behave. He will never be able to understand how to behave because he is not wired the same way you are. i agree he is in a different reality but I do understand him. I do feel his pain and insecurity. Grrrr wrong way to think! See that's what's going on in my head all the time. Link to post Share on other sites
boshemia Posted February 28, 2007 Share Posted February 28, 2007 The problem is abusers are like emotional vampires, the longer you stay the more life you get sucked out of you. They take your self esteem down a notch at a time and you don't even realize it's happening. Then you begin to lose confidence in yourself and you abilities, after awhile you are terrified that even if you did leave you will never be able to make it on your own. You are just to messes up to handle your own life without help... I can't even say "I want..." anymore without second guessing myself... it's not a fun place to be, and I don't know how long it will take me to work through all of this and feel like a whole person again... All I can say is after 10 months single, I actually like who I am again. I wake up happy most days, and it's a good feeling... No wondering when the bobmb is going to drop, no wondering what he is going to find to yell about tonight, and my house is actually staying fairly clean. I'm a 100% better person without him, and this is just the beginning... Now i look forward to the day that I can have a relationship with someone who actually loves me, respects me, and treats me as an equal. I wont be ready for that for a long, long time... but I can actually hope for it now: ) Link to post Share on other sites
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