I think Ive ruined my life.

[ukchap]

Hi,

 

I have been with my fiance now for 7 years, and we have been engaged for 4.

It feels as though the spark has gone out of our relationship.

 

I recently cheated on my fiance, and have been feeling so guilty since it is unbeleiveable. I have no feelings for the woman I went with, and am so ashamed of myself for it taking this to make me realise just how much I love my fiance. She is my world.

 

I dont know what to do. Should I confess to my fiancee and pray to God she will forgive me. Or do I keep this to myself and use this personal hell I am feeling as a life long reminder of how utterly stupid I have been.

 

I cannot imagine my life without my fiance, and if I am honest, I have actually thought more than once of ending mine rather than live with this guilt or the hurt that I will cause by being honest.

 

I have been so utterly stupid. I have lost half a stone in a week, cannot sleep at night due to my minds torture and honestly do not know what to do.

 

I dont know if talking to someone will help, but dont know who that someone should be. Im not a religious person, but maybe a local preist would help - or the samaritans.

 

Feel free to tell me how stupid I have been, and how I deserve to lose my fiance. I doubt you could make me feel worse than I already do.

 

Thanks for any advice, experience etc...

[lovelorcet]

You need to tell her...

 

She needs to decide if she is willing to allow you to stay in her life.

[ukchap]

That is partly how I feel. However part of me also beleives that the only person that will gain from me telling her, is myself.

 

It is my concience that will be eased, and my guilt that will be out in the open and lifted from my shoulders. All I will acheive is a great weight being lifted from my shoulders and a great deal of sorrow and hurt being piled on hers.

 

I know in my heart that I will NEVER do anything so stupid again in my life, I would rather end my life than feel like this again. I want to give my life to my fiance. If I unload all this on her I may just ruin her life in the process of easing my concience. Which seems a pretty selfish thing to do.

 

If I am honest, I am scared that if I tell her, things will never be the same again, I know now that I would rather die than lose her.

 

I cant believe that I have been so utterly stupid, I hate myself, and just want to curl up in a ball and die.

[Am4Real]

.

 

If I am honest, I am scared that if I tell her, things will never be the same again, I know now that I would rather die than lose her.

 

 

Hello UKCHAP,

 

I may come across harsh in this post and mean only to help you; please do not take it personally.

 

Let me start by telling you if you lay it all out for her things will NEVER be the same, as a matter of fact you can almost guarantee yourself to be alone if not physically then certainly pushed out at an emotional level for a very long time.

 

Telling your fiancé of this affair will do two more things:

1. You will crush her emotionally. She will feel humiliated, cheated and sick. Her self worth and self esteem will always be less than what it could every time she is near or around you. The sight of you will sicken her. Perhaps even hearing your voice will cause her immense emotional duress.

 

2. You personally will feel less guilty or perhaps feel relieved (bravo), but you will NEVER be relieved of the changes in the relationship which are bound to be negative for some time to come if not forever.

 

Whilst what you have done is not honorable, moral and certainly stupid. It is done – it’s over! It really is over isn’t it? You realize what has happened, you have remorse; you are committed to being better. You are taking the right steps (so far). Now do something more without it involving your fiancé.

 

For starters I would seek professional counseling immediately. Pour out your guilt to this professional. He/she will help you to deal with your feelings and determine what went wrong. You absolutely need to be sure that you understand what REALLY went wrong so as not to repeat the mistake again. That’s right, I said repeat. Although remorseful at the moment, if you are not sure what went on in your head leading up to the affair, you could quite possibly repeat a similar event in the future. Hard to believe right now, right?

 

Ahhhh, the beauty of Cognitive Behavior Therapy.

 

Take care my friend,

 

Am4Real

[lovelorcet]

"However part of me also beleives that the only person that will gain from me telling her, is myself."

 

 

 

 

Nope... that is just you being selfish. You messed up, now grow up and take responsibility for it. She may kick your ass to the curb or she may give you a chance but that is her choice not yours.

 

If you marry her and she is clueless about all this I can only tell you it WILL come back and haunt you.

 

And like I have already said she needs to be given the opportunity to decided what is best for her, in her life but if you take that away from her then you really are nothing more then scum sir.

 

You messed up... Now be a man or be a coward, your choice...

[ukchap]

Thank you for your reply, it is helpful. I have read responses on other sites and other forums that are very similar, but they weren't directed at me personaly. This response was, which makes it somehow different.

 

I just havent got anyone to talk to. I am actively looking for someone I can talk to, and I want to take the steps you mention above. I want to devote my life to my fiance, and I want to make sure for certain that I am never ever even attempted to think about doing anything like this again - so your advice of consultation is certainly something I am going to follow.

[Trialbyfire]

I'm with lovelorcet. If you cover it up and she finds out on her own later, it will be a thousand times worse. I know because I was cheated on by a serial cheater. I found out and it completely destroyed everything and now I'm in the process of financially destroying him.

 

Sound like fire and brimstone preaching? Experience it and then come back and tell me it's preaching. There really is no wrath like a woman scorned, believe you me...

[Am4Real]

I'm with lovelorcet. If you cover it up and she finds out on her own later, it will be a thousand times worse. I know because I was cheated on by a serial cheater. I found out and it completely destroyed everything and now I'm in the process of financially destroying him.

 

Sound like fire and brimstone preaching? Experience it and then come back and tell me it's preaching. There really is no wrath like a woman scorned, believe you me...

 

Hello TBF,

 

I cannot understand your pain completely as this has not never happened to me, but I can sympathize. In reading your post the key word seems to be "serial", in other words your EX was a habitual cheat and pretty much a scum bag I would suppose.

 

Rather, UK has realized he has made a very serious mistake and is taking steps actively to overcome his error and his conscious. It might get things out in the open to confess of this activity to his finace, but would it really do any good if he is suffering and learning of his imprudent ways? I'm not sure ruining the self worth of his fiancé will do him or her any good. If this was his second time around or if he is having problems remaining committed and faithful then by all means that is different and needs an affirmative course of action.

 

I believe mistakes do occur; I do not believe in freedom from guilt at the more than likely expense of someone else. My advice to UK is to seek the help of a professional counselor or therapist first, then do what is best for himself and his future based on solid examination by someone that examines “with him” why it happened.

 

IMHO simply getting it off your chest doesn’t determine why it happened or deal with the possibility of a character or personality issue that may foster similar behavior again one day.

 

Again, I am very sorry to know of your situation, it had to be horrible.

 

Best to you this morning,

 

Am4Real

[lovelorcet]

Hello TBF,

 

I cannot understand your pain completely as this has not never happened to me, but I can sympathize. In reading your post the key word seems to be "serial", in other words your EX was a habitual cheat and pretty much a scum bag I would suppose.

 

I completely and whole hearted DISAGREE with Am4real in that this person in not advising you to be honest with your partner.

 

You have made a mistake that is going to change your relationship no matter what and if you actually give a sh*t about your partner then you will allow her to decide what is right for her future.

 

And I am pointing out here that this is someone who admits they have no experience with this type of thing.

[Am4Real]

 

And I am pointing out here that this is someone who admits they have no experience with this type of thing.

 

Hello Lovelorcet,

 

I beleive it is the order in which one examins one's self before taking action or in this case guilt relief that is important. UK is struggling with guilt and nothing more immideiate at the moment. Telling his fiance can wait! He should examine himself with a professional and then decide how, when or even whether to tell her or not to tell her once he understands himself.

 

CBT through a trained therapist is a logical and helthy choice in examining these matters. Usually from what I've read, a cheater or that of the unfaithful, is dealing with something much larger than simply SEX with another person, it is this issue that he must resolve first. If he were caught cheating that would be different and the order of examination would also change.

 

THanks for your comments.

 

Am4Real

[lovelorcet]

It is possible that the OP may need some form of therapy but that is frankly his problem to deal with. If you cheat and you do not tell your partner then you have never accepted responsibility for it. You think you feel guilty now, just wait till you see the look on her face when you break her heart.

 

And yes that is your responsibility to take. Anything else is simply rationalizing the situation for your own selfishness.

[stace79]

I have to say, if I was your fiance, and you REALLY 100% mean that you will NOT cheat EVER AGAIN, that I would NOT want to know. All it would do is make me sick, make me think I have to dump you, make me hate you and make me paranoid.

 

IF however you feel that you are not in love with her anymore or maybe could cheat again, then you should be honest.

 

I heard once that if you make a mistake ONCE with NO INTENTION of ever repeating the mistake, the only thing confession is good for is relieving your guilt. Go confess to a priest, not to your fiance.

[lovelorcet]

I have to say, if I was your fiance, and you REALLY 100% mean that you will NOT cheat EVER AGAIN, that I would NOT want to know. All it would do is make me sick, make me think I have to dump you, make me hate you and make me paranoid.

 

IF however you feel that you are not in love with her anymore or maybe could cheat again, then you should be honest.

 

I heard once that if you make a mistake ONCE with NO INTENTION of ever repeating the mistake, the only thing confession is good for is relieving your guilt. Go confess to a priest, not to your fiance.

 

Shouldn't the partner be the one who is allowed to make the decision to trust that it will not happen again, or not to?

[lovely01]

yes i think you need to tell her. you need to be honest with her and yourself. i knew when my husband was cheating on me but he kept on saying that he wasnt she might know you did it just she waiting for you to do the honrable thing and if she choses to stay with you you two can build on honest ground instead of keeping demons in your closet. good luck and tell her you where stuipd and you will never do it again everyone makes mistakes

[Trialbyfire]

Hello TBF,

 

I cannot understand your pain completely as this has not never happened to me, but I can sympathize. In reading your post the key word seems to be "serial", in other words your EX was a habitual cheat and pretty much a scum bag I would suppose.

 

Rather, UK has realized he has made a very serious mistake and is taking steps actively to overcome his error and his conscious. It might get things out in the open to confess of this activity to his finace, but would it really do any good if he is suffering and learning of his imprudent ways? I'm not sure ruining the self worth of his fiancé will do him or her any good. If this was his second time around or if he is having problems remaining committed and faithful then by all means that is different and needs an affirmative course of action.

 

I believe mistakes do occur; I do not believe in freedom from guilt at the more than likely expense of someone else. My advice to UK is to seek the help of a professional counselor or therapist first, then do what is best for himself and his future based on solid examination by someone that examines “with him” why it happened.

 

IMHO simply getting it off your chest doesn’t determine why it happened or deal with the possibility of a character or personality issue that may foster similar behavior again one day.

 

Again, I am very sorry to know of your situation, it had to be horrible.

 

Best to you this morning,

 

Am4Real

My situation unfolds in a bizarre fashion beginning with the realization of one, then over a number of months, a torturous peeling of the onion exercise with constant lies and plenty of slash and burn tactics.

 

If, after the first one, he could have told me about it through an attack of his conscious versus me finding out through other means, we might have repaired what was. As it stood, he continued on with more, all unbeknownst to me, so now I'm ensuring that he will no longer have the financial means to accommodate his....hobby. A painful lesson learned by all involved.

[lovelorcet]

My situation unfolds in a bizarre fashion beginning with the realization of one, then over a number of months, a torturous peeling of the onion exercise with constant lies and plenty of slash and burn tactics.

 

 

 

Been there... Done that... And it f*cking sucks...

 

Never do this to someone, dump it all out at once, it is so much better...

[Trialbyfire]

Been there... Done that... And it f*cking sucks...

 

Never do this to someone, dump it all out at once, it is so much better...

Yes it does. There was way more damage done during this time than with the initial issues. We're survivors with plenty of scars to prove it.

[Am4Real]

I appreciate hearing the opposing view points.

[jnb]

I completely and whole hearted DISAGREE with Am4real in that this person in not advising you to be honest with your partner.

 

You have made a mistake that is going to change your relationship no matter what and if you actually give a sh*t about your partner then you will allow her to decide what is right for her future.

 

And I am pointing out here that this is someone who admits they have no experience with this type of thing.

 

 

Okay, you want someone with experience in this matter I'll speak up. I have lots and lots of experience in this matter.

 

Ex husband was a Seriel Cheater, current husbands ex wife Seriel Cheater. Sorry but neither one of us waisted a single moment of our life hell bent on financially or emotionally destroying them. Why? Why bother, they weren't worth waisting our time and both have ended up with misserable lives. God took care of both of them for us.

 

Look UK, you screwed up, you don't need anyone telling you what a blankety blank you are.

 

Facts are simple, you tell her you'll probably lose her or a good part of her. If you keep it a secret you're going to be looking over your shoulder for the rest of your life praying to the Gods that she never finds out. As a woman who had to find out the hard way, from the neighbors, as well as the easy way, throwing it in my face, I say tell her and expect her to rip your heart out if not for good then for a little while. It's better to hear it from you then from the neighbors or friends.

 

But, if I'd had a choice I would have preferred to never know. It destroyed a part of my heart (my husbands ex a part of his heart) that I can never gain back. So unfortuanately both arguements to tell and not to tell are valid. Only you know her, her heart, her love and forgiveness for you. Do you really believe the two of you can come back from this?

 

If you want to make it easier for her then you have to tell her with compassion, patience, senserity and love. Expect her to hit you with something, expect tears, rage, uncontrolled emotions of all sorts. Don't walk out, take it like a man, humble yourself so she can see (once she's calmed down) that you really are sorry. Find a church, start attending if not together then alone, and if she doesn't kick you to the curb go thru pre marriage counseling at the church.

 

Remember, once you put that ring on her finger all other women became off limits. It was a promise of marriage, a committment of two hearts joining as one, you broke it. If you're not ready to live with one woman for the rest of your life maybe you should rethink your proposal and her acceptence.

[Am4Real]

Been there... Done that... And it f*cking sucks...

 

Never do this to someone, dump it all out at once, it is so much better...

 

Most of the professional self-help web sites tend to support my viewpoint on the order of dealing with an affair. This is one example you might want to review as time permits: http://www.familylife.com/articles/article_detail.asp?id=958

 

Am4Real

[jnb]

Most of the professional self-help web sites tend to support my viewpoint on the order of dealing with an affair. This is one example you might want to review as time permits: http://www.familylife.com/articles/article_detail.asp?id=958

 

Am4Real

 

 

This is a very good article, thanks for posting it.

[jnb]

UK,

Just one more thing I forgot to say. You mentioned in your orginal post you couldn't live without her and thought about taking your own life. Don't become your own victim, you caused this situation, take your spank'in like a man move on.

[Trialbyfire]

Okay, you want someone with experience in this matter I'll speak up. I have lots and lots of experience in this matter.

 

Ex husband was a Seriel Cheater, current husbands ex wife Seriel Cheater. Sorry but neither one of us waisted a single moment of our life hell bent on financially or emotionally destroying them. Why? Why bother, they weren't worth waisting our time and both have ended up with misserable lives. God took care of both of them for us.

I'll give you my perspective on why I took the route I did. No doubt it was to take back the power and control that I lost. Surprisingly, there's a small altruistic reason for it. People don't change unless they experience trauma. If it stops him from future action for just a second, it allows someone else that second to escape. If it stops him cold, it's a lot less pain for everyone, including and especially himself. I don't have your faith in religion and I also believe in being proactive. This life does matter.

[jnb]

I'll give you my perspective on why I took the route I did. No doubt it was to take back the power and control that I lost. Surprisingly, there's a small altruistic reason for it. People don't change unless they experience trauma. If it stops him from future action for just a second, it allows someone else that second to escape. If it stops him cold, it's a lot less pain for everyone, including and especially himself. I don't have your faith in religion and I also believe in being proactive. This life does matter.

 

You're right, this life does matter, atleast we're all trying to make it matter. I'm sorry you went through what you went through and I know from first hand experience how much it makes the heart ache. I also believe in being proactive, but I also believe in forgiveness. Don't miss understand that with being walked all over time and time again. I forgive but many people have not been welcome back in my life on a close friendly basis just because I forgave them.

 

I let go of the past with my ex and his ex because the hate and anger that built up inside me was exhausting and time consuming. I hope you don't spend to much of your life waisting it on someone who doesn't really care what you think or feel anyway.

[Trialbyfire]

You're right, this life does matter, atleast we're all trying to make it matter. I'm sorry you went through what you went through and I know from first hand experience how much it makes the heart ache. I also believe in being proactive, but I also believe in forgiveness. Don't miss understand that with being walked all over time and time again. I forgive but many people have not been welcome back in my life on a close friendly basis just because I forgave them.

 

I let go of the past with my ex and his ex because the hate and anger that built up inside me was exhausting and time consuming. I hope you don't spend to much of your life waisting it on someone who doesn't really care what you think or feel anyway.

Oh no, I never believed for one second that forgiving means to allow the serial cheater to remain in your life so don't misunderstand me either. I can't forgive but I can let go, if that makes sense. But...before I let go completely, a lesson needs to be taught. He's no longer my problem but I can't allow him to prance away, fully capable of doing this to someone else. To the best of my knowledge, neutering is encouraged by the local animal shelters.

 

As for the hate and anger, most of it is gone, although there are still bad days because it's fairly recent and I don't have my finality yet. As soon as that's over, it will be done. There's been enough damage done, I don't need to compound it with the all-consuming disgust and rage that I once felt.