I think Ive ruined my life.

[crazy_grl]

I completely disagree with Am4Real. I know there are people like Dr. Laura who support this school of thought, but I think they're dead wrong.

 

What's most likely to happen will be one of the following:

1. Your guilt will continue to eat away at you. Your gf will either consciously or subconsciously pick up on the fact that there's something different with you. Not knowing what it is will wear away her trust for you and your relationship.

 

2. Your guilt will make you suspicious of her. Since you've cheated on her and got away with it so easily, you'll wonder if she's been doing the same thing. Your jealousy and paranoia will ruin your relationship.

 

3. You'll treat your gf extra special for awhile then get bored again. Remembering how easy it was to get away with the first time you cheated, you'll do it again.

(The best way to avoid doing something again is to have to face the consequences of it. Counseling helps, but that's like having someone help you analyze why you stuck your hand in a fire. The pain from that burn on your hand is more likely to teach you not to do it again, not analyzing why you did it in the first place.)

 

4. She'll find out about your cheating years down the road after you're married and will be crushed. Your relationship will be ruined and unsalvagable because in her eyes, your entire marriage was based on a lie.

 

Let's see what's really more selfish.

Consequences of not telling:

Negatives for you:

-You have to live with the guilt

 

Positives for you:

-You get to keep your relationship and pretend everything is just like it used to be. You don't have to face up to your actions. You don't have to face any of the negative consequences of telling.

 

Consequences of telling:

Negatives for you:

-You may lose your relationship.

-You have to see how much pain you caused your gf.

-Your feelings of guilt increase when you see how much your gf is hurt.

-Your gf loses trust for you.

-If she decides to stay with you, you have to work to rebuild your relationship and regain your gf's trust.

 

Positives for you:

-You relieve your guilt

 

Which is really more selfish? I think claiming that telling is selfish just a justification for not having to own up to your actions. If a person doesn't want to tell, that's up to them, but I don't want to hear them try to claim that they're being selfless and generous to make themself feel better.

 

About the only thing I agree with Am4Real on is that you need to get some counseling. Not just individual though. You and your gf need some relationship counseling, but it's not going to do you two any good if you can't discuss the biggest issue affecting your relationship (the cheating).

 

Also, ukchap, what if your gf has cheated on you? Would you want to know or would you prefer she didn't tell you because it'll hurt you?

 

Are you prepared to lie to the woman you love for the rest of your life?

[nittygritty]

It is good that you seem to have a conscience and are feeling guilty about cheating.

 

BUT...

 

If you are truly sorry, you won't steal her freedom of choice by keeping your betrayel a secret.

 

The main feature of the excitement in cheating is the secrecy.

 

 

Yes, you chose to maybe "ruin your life". If you really love her you won't ruin hers too.

 

You should have told her before you slept with someone else. It wouldn't have happened. If you keep it a secret, you will do it again.

 

I won't give you a lecture on STD's, but if you have put your fiance at risk of who knows what, I think the only decent thing to do is tell her.

 

I am sorry to be so harsh but it is just another selfish act not to tell her.

You need to tell her and let her decide what she wants to do with the information.

 

Good Luck

[D-Lish]

What's done is done- and I wouldn't say anything to her unless you are prepared to lose her forever. Even if you don't physically lose her- you'll lose an important part of her.

 

This is about you and you're own conscience- and I must say that your response to what you've done is positive. Having regret and feeling pain means that at the core, you are a thoughtful and caring human being. And human being's make mistakes.

 

You did make a mistake- but you recognize it. It's okay to forgive yourself for having a weak moment. The important thing is that you've learned a lesson from this, and don't plan on ever repeating the same mistake.

 

If you admit to her what happened- you'll crush her, she'll be humiliated. Sure, you may think you'll feel better for releasing your guilt... but be prepared that you might lose the person you love if you tell her.

 

Honestly, if my fiance admitted to cheating, I'd walk away and never look back. Think about that.

[nittygritty]

What if the girl you cheated with tells your fiance when she never hears from you again?

 

Being crushed and humiliated is nothing compared to wasting years with someone thinking that you are in a monogamous relationship only to find out there were two sets of rule books.

 

I know I have been more than just crushed and humiliated by the "What they don't know won't hurt them" theory because it can be applied to everything. Only it is more like the "Sleeping with the Enemy"theory. You know something is wrong but you can't quite put your finger on it so you start going through all thier things trying to figure out whats going on.

 

I could have handled the truth and maybe even been able to forgive. Who knows? I would much rather be having an honest relationship than be living a lie.

[lovelorcet]

I completely disagree with Am4Real. I know there are people like Dr. Laura who support this school of thought, but I think they're dead wrong.

 

What's most likely to happen will be one of the following:

1. Your guilt will continue to eat away at you. Your gf will either consciously or subconsciously pick up on the fact that there's something different with you. Not knowing what it is will wear away her trust for you and your relationship.

 

2. Your guilt will make you suspicious of her. Since you've cheated on her and got away with it so easily, you'll wonder if she's been doing the same thing. Your jealousy and paranoia will ruin your relationship.

 

3. You'll treat your gf extra special for awhile then get bored again. Remembering how easy it was to get away with the first time you cheated, you'll do it again.

(The best way to avoid doing something again is to have to face the consequences of it. Counseling helps, but that's like having someone help you analyze why you stuck your hand in a fire. The pain from that burn on your hand is more likely to teach you not to do it again, not analyzing why you did it in the first place.)

 

4. She'll find out about your cheating years down the road after you're married and will be crushed. Your relationship will be ruined and unsalvagable because in her eyes, your entire marriage was based on a lie.

 

Let's see what's really more selfish.

Consequences of not telling:

Negatives for you:

-You have to live with the guilt

 

Positives for you:

-You get to keep your relationship and pretend everything is just like it used to be. You don't have to face up to your actions. You don't have to face any of the negative consequences of telling.

 

Consequences of telling:

Negatives for you:

-You may lose your relationship.

-You have to see how much pain you caused your gf.

-Your feelings of guilt increase when you see how much your gf is hurt.

-Your gf loses trust for you.

-If she decides to stay with you, you have to work to rebuild your relationship and regain your gf's trust.

 

Positives for you:

-You relieve your guilt

 

Which is really more selfish? I think claiming that telling is selfish just a justification for not having to own up to your actions. If a person doesn't want to tell, that's up to them, but I don't want to hear them try to claim that they're being selfless and generous to make themself feel better.

 

About the only thing I agree with Am4Real on is that you need to get some counseling. Not just individual though. You and your gf need some relationship counseling, but it's not going to do you two any good if you can't discuss the biggest issue affecting your relationship (the cheating).

 

Also, ukchap, what if your gf has cheated on you? Would you want to know or would you prefer she didn't tell you because it'll hurt you?

 

Are you prepared to lie to the woman you love for the rest of your life?

 

 

Right on!

 

And for Am4Real,

Thanks for not taking my comments personally

 

I know what it is like to get slammed with something like this so of course I am biased.

[Ripples]

I'm afraid I agree with Am4Real. I too believe it is far better to not tell as the impact of telling will, I believe in this case, be totally out of proportion to the actual act of cheating.

[Am4Real]

Right on!

 

And for Am4Real,

Thanks for not taking my comments personally

 

I know what it is like to get slammed with something like this so of course I am biased.

 

Good morning Lovelorcet,

 

I am always open to opposing views on a topic or method, how else could I appreciate differences and learn from others. I can see form the series of posts there are some here who have been wronged by such doings, seriously wronged. I am so sorry! And as I admit I have never been cheated on and perhaps cannot fully understand the burning emotions however I can truly sympathize (in a joking way I’ve been dumped though, does that count for anything, haha, JK).

 

Perhaps for the sake of UK, me having never been cheated on allows for an objective view of the situation. To be clear I am not an advocate of not telling his fiancé about the affair, however I leave the choice with him and advise of the cautions in doing so just as D-Lish and a handful of others have. I emphatically think he should follow the order of self examination with himself first and, in as much as I appreciate his humbleness, grief, guilt and consciousness, he needs to be sure he really knows why he did this and that it will [highlight]NEVER[/highlight] be repeated. Once he understands this his confession can come with meaning and heart if that is what he chooses to do.

 

I’m in awe of the emotions and advice this thread has generated; I hope all of our opinions and experiences are of benefit to UK (he has not returned that I can tell) or anyone else going through something similar.

 

Have a great day Lovelorcet!!

 

Am4Real

[ukchap]

A quick update, and also some more information.

 

I have been speaking to a professional about this, which has helped. Im still in the phase of crying every day and wishing every night not to wake up in the morning. When I think about what I did, it makes me physically sick, I simply deserve to die.

 

Just for the record, this wasnt any long term or planned cheating, it was simply a one night stand with someone who has now apparently found a boyfriend. I know that doesnt make any difference, but thought people may want to know the full details.

 

Would I want to know if my fiancee had cheated on me. No. I dont. I did suspect some time ago that she may have, before we were engaged she went out with "friends" from work, I ended up picking her up from a hotel where one of these friends was staying (yes a male one) and she had somehow lost her tights along the way. We had a row about it then, and she swore nothing had happened, so I blanked it out, and have never even given it a second thought until just now when I read that question. Would I want to know that she cheated on me back then. No, it would hurt me deeply - and right now she is my world, I want to spend the rest of my life with her, I dont want to try and find that again with anyone else, because frankly I dont think I ever would.

 

Do I think I will tell my fiancee? Probably. But I know I cant do it now.

 

I have to choose a time when I feel she can cope better with it, and we have the time to talk and maybe rebuild what will obviously be shattered.

 

She is upset about other things in her life right now, and until those are out of the way, if I opened up now, I would just be picking the worst possible moment to do so.

 

I firstly need to understand why I did what I did, and hopefully talking to the counsellor will do that.

 

Then I need to be ready to take the next step and be open and honest. Am I scared I will be left alone spending the next few years crying because I ruined the best chance of happiness that I will ever have had in life? Yes.

[Blue Phoenix]

Let me ask you this question?? Do you love her deeply enough to maybe let her go?? I'll explain some times if we realy love some one then we can even except loseing them. If it is what they want and will make them happy or put them at ease in the long run complete selfless love. What you did was wrong yes and she has the right to know about it. And then choose IF she can trust you and still have a place in her heart for you. Its not your choise to make for her you def cant marry this women with that black cloud hanging over the marrage. Tell her if she can except it and move on then great if not then let her go but eather way let it be her choise..

[Trialbyfire]

Would I want to know if my fiancee had cheated on me. No. I dont. I did suspect some time ago that she may have, before we were engaged she went out with "friends" from work, I ended up picking her up from a hotel where one of these friends was staying (yes a male one) and she had somehow lost her tights along the way. We had a row about it then, and she swore nothing had happened, so I blanked it out, and have never even given it a second thought until just now when I read that question. Would I want to know that she cheated on me back then. No, it would hurt me deeply - and right now she is my world, I want to spend the rest of my life with her, I dont want to try and find that again with anyone else, because frankly I dont think I ever would.

 

This screams loudly at me. If you repress, it comes out later in all kinds of ways, such as revenge cheating.

[Salicious Crumb]

Hi,

 

I have been with my fiance now for 7 years, and we have been engaged for 4.

It feels as though the spark has gone out of our relationship.

 

I recently cheated on my fiance, and have been feeling so guilty since it is unbeleiveable. I have no feelings for the woman I went with, and am so ashamed of myself for it taking this to make me realise just how much I love my fiance. She is my world.

 

I dont know what to do. Should I confess to my fiancee and pray to God she will forgive me. Or do I keep this to myself and use this personal hell I am feeling as a life long reminder of how utterly stupid I have been.

 

You tell her and take your chances ...ABSOLUTELY. Otherwise you are displaying the ultimate selfishness, aside from the cheating itself.

 

I am in a marriage that I would not be in to this day if I had found out my wife cheated when we were engaged. She swears it was a fluke and married me because she loves me and didn't tell me because she didn't want to lose me.

 

Well because she didn't tell...I never had a choice in the matter. Now here I am years later, suspecting she has also cheated during the marriage, and we have 2 kids. I resent the hell out of her for not giving me the choice and she didn't think I'd find out..but I did.

 

So you need to be up front with her...she may forgive you...or she may not, but regardless you need to give her that choice.

[crazy_grl]

Would I want to know if my fiancee had cheated on me. No. I dont. I did suspect some time ago that she may have, before we were engaged she went out with "friends" from work, I ended up picking her up from a hotel where one of these friends was staying (yes a male one) and she had somehow lost her tights along the way. We had a row about it then, and she swore nothing had happened, so I blanked it out, and have never even given it a second thought until just now when I read that question. Would I want to know that she cheated on me back then. No, it would hurt me deeply - and right now she is my world, I want to spend the rest of my life with her, I dont want to try and find that again with anyone else, because frankly I dont think I ever would.

 

I don't mean to be cruel, but assuming your fiance has cheated on you, what do you really have with her? I just can't imagine continuing a relationship with a person I thought cheated on me. How could you ever trust or respect that person again? How can their be any love without trust and respect? The only way I can imagine staying is if I were married and had kids. Then I might work to rebuild the relationship.

 

But I really don't understand wanting to be in the dark about cheating. To be blunt, that sounds a little desperate. I immediately think low self-esteem or fear of being alone. Don't you think you're good enough to find someone great who won't cheat on you?

 

Forgive me for being blunt again. I've never been very good at putting things delicately. Assuming your gf did cheat on you that night, are you honestly saying you're glad she lied about it? I just cannot wrap my mind around how a healthy person could think like that.

 

Sorry if anything I said offended you, Uk, but those are just my honest opinions and my attempt at helping. I don't intend any harm.

 

This screams loudly at me. If you repress, it comes out later in all kinds of ways, such as revenge cheating.

 

That sounds pretty darn plausible to me. Uk, you may want to explore that possibility with your counselor.

[Guest]

Either way, your finance doesnt really get to decide. If you tell her, maybe she would have preferred you hadnt. If you dont tell her, maybe she would have preferred you did.

 

The point is, you messed up and now you have to decide what is best for her. But how can you?

[Guest]

I don't mean to be cruel, but assuming your fiance has cheated on you, what do you really have with her? I just can't imagine continuing a relationship with a person I thought cheated on me. How could you ever trust or respect that person again? How can their be any love without trust and respect? The only way I can imagine staying is if I were married and had kids. Then I might work to rebuild the relationship.

 

But I really don't understand wanting to be in the dark about cheating. To be blunt, that sounds a little desperate. I immediately think low self-esteem or fear of being alone. Don't you think you're good enough to find someone great who won't cheat on you?

 

Forgive me for being blunt again. I've never been very good at putting things delicately. Assuming your gf did cheat on you that night, are you honestly saying you're glad she lied about it? I just cannot wrap my mind around how a healthy person could think like that.

 

Sorry if anything I said offended you, Uk, but those are just my honest opinions and my attempt at helping. I don't intend any harm.

 

 

 

That sounds pretty darn plausible to me. Uk, you may want to explore that possibility with your counselor.

 

Most of these confession posts are apparently from scronful woman. Look, the guy understand what he did let him examine the situation and get on with discovering why he did it in the first place before he runs blabber mouth to his fiance with a confession and no understanding. Leave your pain and revenge out of any advice to this chap, you need to deal with your own demons.

[lovelorcet]

Some very good points crazy_grl and others...

[D-Lish]

I think there is a HUGE difference between a one time fling that helped you realize you don't want to lose your fiance and being a chronic cheater.

 

I would want to know if my bf was a chronic cheater. I wouldn't want to know if it happened once and helped my bf realize something deeply important.

 

Love and relationships are complicated. I think the big question here is whether or not you are being selfish by telling her...ergo relieving yourself of the guilt.... or not telling her and denying her the option of leaving.

 

Telling her that you cheated will relieve YOU of the guilty feelings... but I can guarantee it will inflict a whole load of sadness and pain onto her lap.

Has this mistake truly helped you to realize you want to be with this woman forever and never plan on cheating again? If so... keep it to yourself.

 

If it's simply a case of not trusting yourself to ever be faithful... then she should know that, and you should explore that yourself.

 

Mistakes happen. At some point you'll have to forgive yourself for having a base human moment. If you didn't have regret or feel distress about what happened... then you'd have occasion to be worried about yourself.

 

You have a lot of things to think about. Think this through thoroughly before making a decision on what to do. Ultimately, you should do what is best for both of you.

[crazy_grl]

I think there is a HUGE difference between a one time fling that helped you realize you don't want to lose your fiance and being a chronic cheater.

 

But the important question here is how many one-time things that supposedly helped someone realize what they didn't want to lose eventually turned into chronic cheating. I personally think that keeping the cheating a secret increases the likelihood that it will.

[Ripples]

Well, Uk is going into therapy and he's addressing any issues that may be the cause of his ONS. That demonstrates, to me, that he's genuinely sorry for what he's done and honestly trying to put himself right for his GF and their relationship, that's what counts here.

 

By telling your GF, UK, you may well destroy any chance of happiness with her. Why don't you talk to your counsellor about this? As they know you and your situation better than anyone here I'm sure they'll give you the guidance you need.

[Trialbyfire]

I think it's a great idea to discuss it with the counsellor because the counsellor will provide advice of what should be best for you.

 

I will add one cautionary note. If you plan to hide it, best make 100% certain she never finds out. If she does and discovers you've been hiding it, say sayonara.

[Guest]

I think it's a great idea to discuss it with the counsellor because the counsellor will provide advice of what should be best for you.

 

I will add one cautionary note. If you plan to hide it, best make 100% certain she never finds out. If she does and discovers you've been hiding it, say sayonara.

 

Several other posters mentioned this many thread ago and you dismissed the advice. I am glad you finally get it now!!

 

IMHO, when you give advice do not mesh it with your own personal negative experiences assuming all situations are equal.