My heart is busting....

[buddyb]

I met my now husband 4 1/2 years ago. I was 24, he was 20 when we met. We got married Nov 2005, (I was 27, he was 23) knew each other 3 years at the time. He is my first true love. I was so incredibly happy. He told me he was happy also. When dating we went through a long distant relationship for 8 months, I stayed in a good job to save quicker for our marriage. He went home as he got a good job and could save quicker. He cheated once and I found out. He originally denied it. I sent the girl a photo, she said it was definitely him. He came clean then. We were engaged at the time. He didn't sleep with her. He begged for forgiveness and I gave him another chance. Since being married my life has been pretty much miserable. He once threw me out. We seperated for 2 months because of this. He kept coming back (to my parent's house) asking for another chance. We had counselling. He resolved not to walk out on arguements as he always runs away. I feel like he married me and now I'm suffering because he doesn't know what he wants. Anyway, I found out October he cheated on me in September. He didn't sleep with her. We were'nt even a year married! He admitted it and begged for forgiveness. Found out 4 weeks ago he cheated again in December. We had a massive row at the time and he left me for 10 days. He cheated in this time. I asked him back everyday but he refused. I knew he was at a friends house but didn't know where he lived so I couldn't go get him. He bearly answered his phone etc in these 10 days. I was completely on my own in a big city. It was a very hurtful time. Eventually I realised what pub he was in one night and went and found him. He acted guilty when we got back together. Said I deserved better than him and to just leave him and forget all about him. I asked him did he cheat. He said no. I suspected he had but blocked it out. It was 4 days before Christmas and I wanted headpeace. He won't admit this last episode but I KNOW it's the truth. How I know or found out is irrelevant. Should I leave this guy although I love him enormously. He has cheated 3 times which I know about. He is young and I think he does love me, he wouldn't have married me if he didn't. Why does he keep coming back when I have given him 3 chances to walk away from me. We had a big catholic chapel wedding etc. I keep making excuses that he is young, he will change etc. He is 24 now, I am 28. I want kids soon etc. I cry everyday. I miss him so much. I am at home in my parents house in Ireland. He is in England working. I have cut my sim card. I'm trying not to contact him. It is hurting like hell. Feels like he's not coming back this time. Maybe it's for the best. He won't admit what he's done. He is in denial. He said he'd take a lie detector test. I arranged it. He then refused. I think that this time he may have slept with the girl involved. If he is cheating like this now do you think he'll ever change? Is it possible? Only thing is he cheats when we are having massive rows and he is in another country than me. But yet he puts himself in situations where he can cheat. Goes to clubs etc. Have also found out he has started using cocaine socially. Think he was probably on drugs the last time if not the last 2 times he's cheated. I don't do drugs. Wouldn't touch them. How can we move forward if he won't even admit it? I warned him last time in October that if he ever cheated on me again that it was over for good. So unfair he won't even tell me the truth. I wish I met him when he was older so he didn't have to feel that he missed out. I know he feels like this. Soon enough all his friends will be settling down with girls they'll probably marry. What should I do? Move on and try hard to forget him? Go talk to him? Hate giving up on marriage. If only he'd wiseup we'd be grand. The trust is gone completely. Am I completely mad?