Uncomfortable Question

[Mistaken Identity]

My ex-husband and I are trying to get back together for the sake of our five-year-old. We also love each other and can't seem to give up. I should add that our problems were compounded by my overbearing mother and my fourteen-year-old daughter--both of whom hate him. He was having problems with medication and was not a responsible partner. He was never abusive, he was lazy and depressed. Anyway, my daughter's father died, and she has admitted that she wouldn't like any man I'm with because he is not her father. She's spoiled, but she's a good kid who gets "outstanding" grades in almost all of her classes. Here's the dilemma. She recently told me that she was sleeping on the couch and woke to find my (then) husband sitting on a chair that was located in a position that would have enabled him to see her underwear. (Her skirt had moved up while she was sleeping.) She said she's not sure if he was looking, but she thinks he was. I asked if he was wearing his glasses (he's nearsighted) and she said he was. I don't know what to think. If this is true, he should've sat on an adjacent couch or let the room.

I don't know how to ask him about the incident. Any suggestions?

[norajane]

Did you ask her to provide more details? Like, what was he doing while in the room? Reading? Watching TV? What happened when she woke up?

 

I'm really not sure what to say, except that you should probably talk to him and find out what he recalls about it. It might be she felt uncomfortable, but since she's not even sure if he was looking at her, I wouldn't jump to conclusions about it.

 

As to how to talk to him, tell him your daughter was feeling uncomfortable about waking up and finding him in the same room, and that she felt vulnerable. Ask him what he remembers, and what he was doing while she slept. Just be straightforward and honest, but don't accuse him of anything. Tell him if he walks in on her while she's sleeping on the couch, that you'd like it if he left the room instead of staying.

[sb129]

MI, I don't want to sound nasty or vindictive, but please don't underestimate your daughter.

 

She is obviously smart, and has admitted she hates your H. Most teenage girls these days are very wise to the impact of these kind of accusations can have.

 

My BF is a teacher, and he will never ever put himself in a situation where he is alone in a room with a girl. He has too much to lose and it only takes one accusation from a pissed off girl for his whole world to be turned upside down.

 

I think you should talk to your H in a non accusatory way, see what he says. You should probably advise one of them to avoid being alone in the room with the other, my guess is that your H would be able to handle that advice more maturely.

[Mistaken Identity]

Thank you both. I was starting to feel like an abusive mother.

[sb129]

I think you are in a really tough situation and you have my utmost heartfelt sympathy.

 

I hope it works out for you.

[CardPlay3r]

Well first of all I don't see a problem with seeing her underwear, unless it was a perverted thing i.e. him sitting there for that purpose to get off. Otherwise, you can just go to the bitch and see girls of all ages in bikinis not much difference is it, so if he was doing something else and that happened it shouldn't be a big deal.

 

Is there something to do in that room besides watching the couch like could he have been watching tv or something

[Mistaken Identity]

Thank you everyone. I still haven't asked him about it. I try to imagine how I would feel if someone asked me that sort of question. I would be mad and humiliated. So, I guess it's best just to talk to her about it.