What do guys REALLY think...

[Bronti]

What do guys really think about girls who take the initiative in a relationship?? There are a lot of different opinions out there. I am pretty easy going about these things, and have approached guys myself before but it never seems to work out. I find that unless I am with someone who is confident enough (or who likes me enough!) to come up to me first, then it is a waste of time.

 

At the moment I am seeing someone casually. We have been meeting up on the weekends for about a month now, and we get along really well. The only problem is, I am always the one to make the first move!! If I waited for him to contact me it probably wouldn't be until I had already made other commitments for the night. I don't know whether this is a sign he is disinterested, or whether he's just disorganised?! Anyway I have been thinking about contacting him again at the end of this week as usual, but my pride tells me to let it go and wait for him. What do you think??

[butterflyz]

we have a double standard.

 

guys SAY they don't want games, but they disregard a woman that is no challenge. so, in effect they do want games.

 

i would suggest (from being in your position before) that you do not call this guy. if he calls you at the last minute, don't say you have plans when you don't (that would be playing more games). instead, say that you would like to see him, but would prefer if he called you in advance to make a date. if he asks whether you are busy that night, say that you have no plans, and that you are staying home, but you would rather do that then go out with a guy that calls you at the last second. trust me, that would have more impact than if you played games back.

 

i've gone through a lot in the last year, it has actually made me MORE independent of men than before. i would rather be alone for a very long time than spend one minute with someone who disrespected me and tried to play games with me. the guy who's harassing me now is trying to isolate me and reduce me to the needy pathetic fool that he is so i NEED him as much as he needs me. it will never work, i will never reduce myself to something as sick as he is.

[Tony T]

I agree with what butterflyz has written above. That is certainly a valid perspective.

 

However, I don't think you can oversimplify human behavior, which is very complex.

 

In some cases, men who are very shy, who have low self esteem or who are horrified of rejection may be very slow to take the intiative. Some have such low self esteem they just aren't able to believe another person could be interested in them.

 

I think you are best served by what has worked for you in the past, having guys come up to you first.

 

Don't stop taking the initiative if there's somebody you really want to meet. But if they don't turn things around and show serious interest by intiating contact themselves in a reasonable time, scoot on down the road.

[midori]

you want to convey to him that he's too casual and presumptuous in his approach, but you don't want to be reduced to game-playing because that usually just leads to more game playing. Bottom line is that his approach implies either that a) you have nothing else to do with your free time so planning in advance isn't necessary, or that b) you'd only want to spend time with him IF you didn't have anything better to do, which you won't know until the last minute. When what you'd like is c) he values spending time with you enough so that he makes sure it will happen by doing a bit of advance planning.

 

Am I reading into your spelling too much to think that perhaps you're writing from the UK? I know a lot of Brits and I know that dating norms are not the same there as in the US -- that people over there prefer to be verrry casual at first, pretending that they're just hanging out in a friendly way that somehow isn't just friendly. Actually asking someone out on a date that is designated specifically as not just a "friendly outing" is considered scary and too much fuss. So maybe that's what you're dealing with, but I still think that butterflyz's advice is spot on.

[Bronti]

Thanks for all the advise, I'll be following up on it. Yes midori you're right, I'm from a part of the Commonwealth - Australia, actually. Things are quite different here, in fact the word 'date' doesn't even exist in our vocabulary; it's a bit too full-on. The usual way things happens is to start off very casual for awhile, with each party pretending they are happy just to be friends and aren't too desperate, then you go out for drinks one-on-one. I don't know anyone who goes to 'dinner and a movies' or anything like that until at least a couple of months has gone by. In that respect I think the US and the UK, Aus, and NZ are very different. I think I'd rather do it your way - the pub isn't the best way to start off a relationship!

 

I think I'll do what you reckon, not contact him and then let him know where I stand on the issue. I don't want to be 'scary commitment woman' but perhaps he just needs a little push in the right direction. I think a month is the longest I'm prepared to wait for someone to get over their cold feet.