Am I being selfish?

[Jessie]

I am in a situation where I am going to college in my last year and keeping a room at my father's house where he lives with his wife.

The decision to return to college was made at the last minute and I came back to my home city after living somewhere else on my own and I didn't have time to look for a place of my own because I had so much school work and my father and his wife said they didn't mind at all if I stayed with them while I was in my last year at college.

The room I keep was also used by my father's wife's younger daughter who is away at another college, so I am using it now.

 

Last week early in the morning when I was in the washroom Mary, my step-mother, was in my room arranging my stuff in an orderly fashon and I got upset because I couldn't find my stuff. She thought I had left and told me the cleaning lady was coming that day and that also she would be having guests over the weekend.

Later that night I found out from my father that her cousins were coming from Nicaragua and would be staying in my room only until Thursday, so I would have to sleep in the den or go to my mother's place which is really far away from my college.

 

I kind of got upset and told my father it wasn't fair that nobody warned me earlier about this and that its disruptive to have to make me shlep around when I'm in the middle of school. If I wasn't going to school I would understand. Its not that I didn't mind giving them my room for a few days, it was just the way it was presented to me with no 'sorry for the inconvenience' just announcing it like that. On week-ends I stay at my mother's house, but during the week I have early classes and need to be closer to the college.

 

Last night I came back after spending the weekend at my mother's and all was fine, I met Mary's cousins from Nicaraugua and had a nice dinner together. My father set up the matress in the den. Later I was talking to Mary in her bedroom and I apologized for over reacting the previous week when she was moving my stuff, but I told her that nobody had told me about the situation. She thought my father had, but anyway, she then went ahead to say that she thought I was only coming by to pick up some books. I responded that I was staying in the den until they left to stay with other relatives on Thursday, but then she tells me that they are staying for two weeks, and that it shouldn't be a problem for me to stay at my mothers for only two weeks.

I tell her it is too far, ect.. and she says its no problem to stay in the den if I keep it clean. Then I say that I am too busy and tired to worry about folding up a bed every morning because when I come home I often like to lie in the bed I'm so exhausted. (Her teenage son lives downstairs and compared to me he is ten times messier and she never says anything about him)

 

So, the next thing I know she's telling me I'm selfish and immature because I must have things my way and I tell her she has no right to judge me and that it is only normal to warn someone ahead of time if their living situation has to change, like it's common courtesy, even if the other person is not paying rent, which I offered, but they didn't want.

She then made a comparison about her daughter who came during the weekend, but couldn't stay because there was no room (her son's girlfriend was over) so she went to her father's.

I told her she couldn't make this comparison between me and her daughter because her daughter isn't going to school here.

 

Later my father was brought in and he tried to passify Mary and I, but Mary still insisted on telling me I was selfish, so I told she she was "orgullosa" (proud in a negative sense) towards me and the world wasn't black and white. I almost wanted to say that she didn't make her son move, but I held my tongue.

 

Now I realize I am not really in the right to do anything because it is not my place, but don't you think Mary's attitude was unfair towards me?

Am I really selfish?

[HokeyReligions]

I don't think its a matter of selfishness, but on consideration and communication. Hind sight is 20/20 and you should have sat down with both of them and established some ground rules before moving in. It's not too late to do that now.

 

You can't change what is important to another person or change their priorities but what you can do is openly establish and communicate those priorities to each other and then respect them, even if you don't agree.

 

Just because you are staying in their house does not mean that they should not afford you the respect and courtesy of keeping you informed and listening to your input.

 

*** "I responded that I was staying in the den until they left to stay with other relatives on Thursday, but then she tells me that they are staying for two weeks, and that it shouldn't be a problem for me to stay at my mothers for only two weeks.

I tell her it is too far, ect.. and she says its no problem to stay in the den if I keep it clean. Then I say that I am too busy and tired to worry about folding up a bed every morning because when I come home I often like to lie in the bed I'm so exhausted. (Her teenage son lives downstairs and compared to me he is ten times messier and she never says anything about him)"

 

She conceded that it was okay to stay in the den, even though she was expecting you to stay at your mothers. That sounds like she is being considerate of you and your needs. If she has other company than its plausable that the den may be used during the day for other activities or other guests might see it and I think it is reasonable for her to expect you to keep it neat. If that means getting up earlier to give yourself time to put things away, fold up the bed, whatever, I think you should do that and not worry about the bed being there for your convenience at the end of the day -- it's only for a couple of weeks right?

 

And no, it has nothing to do with her son or her daughter. Whatever the circumstances of her son living downstairs and being messy has no bearing on you and the circumstances of your staying in the den. That's comparing apples to oranges here. I'm not sure I understand what you meant about her daughter not being able to stay. Was she blaming you for there not being enough room, or blaming her son's girlfriend? Anyway, it doesn't matter. She and your father made a commitment to you to let you stay there while you are in school.

 

Maybe you are being a little selfish but look at this as a big step in maturity. You have a right to ask for their consideration and courtesy in keeping you informed about things that may impact your staying there, and you have a responsibility to take their feelings and needs into consideration when doing things there that may impact them.

 

Rather than have problems with your step-mother, and bringing your dad in like a referee (which I think is horrible because you are forcing him to take sides between two people he loves and that can only hurt him) then set some ground rules. Sit down with both of them and tell them that you want to avoid the anger and hurt feelings and act like adults and work out something that is fair for everyone.

 

I know of what I speak. My mother moved in with my husband and I four years ago. I should write a book!

[butterflyz]

that your feelings were disregarded and there was a lack of communication.

 

first of all, mary should not be in your room rearranging your stuff. if she doesn't like the way the room looks, then close the door.

 

you were caught in a bind, but it is their house and they want the den to be nice for company, so in that case you needed to give a little. but because your feelings were disregarded, you bit back.

 

you are not selfish but your feelings were hurt. so you reacted. just let them know in the future that what they did was hurtful and they treated you like you didn't exist.

[Ally Boo]

She was rearranging her stuff bc the cleaning person was coming over...that's a common thing to do, plus she was planning on having someone stay in that room. I can understand her moving your things. However, the right thing for her to have done was tell you...although she did think your father did.

 

I don't really see anyone at fault. It's not like she is kicking you out and saying she will not allow you to be there at all. I think the fault is the lack of communication. Like Hokey said...about ground rules, and the lack of communication with you and Mary, you and your father, and your father and Mary.

 

I mean, you are in their house, so you are at their mercy. And whether you pay them rent, wouldn't change that. You just gotta grin and bear it. Trust me, I'm a 24 year old divorcee who moved back home for a few months, and had an 11:00 curfew!

[Jhisa]

If your situation is extremely dissatisfying maybe you could look into living in the dorm.