anyone have idea's?

[Sweetie2007]

Okay, I definetly feel weird sharing my story like this, but I need some advice, and what my head is telling me I don't really like.

 

Here's the background: My boyfriend and I met middle-end of December 2004, over 2 years ago. We met online, through ICQ, and were just friends until the end of January, when we both knew from talking and pics and everything, that we felt something for each other. We decided to get together, as a "couple", with the agreement that he would come visit that summer. He came to the US (he's from Germany) and spent the month of August with me in NH. He went back to Germany, and we didn't see each other physically until the end of December 2006, when I flew to Germany for 3 months. I'm still here....

 

In the period of time that we were apart, the relationship almost ended in May of 2006. We took a break, for a week, got back together, but it was rough for both of us. Finally we settled our differences. This wasn't the first argument, but it was the closest the relationship came to ending in the 1.5 years we'd been together. After May we remained together, and in contact, although I could feel that things were different. I knew that we had to get together physically, in order to really determine if our feelings for each other were what they used to be, when we were together in 2005. So...I flew to Germany right after Christmas and am here for another month.

 

Now, here's my problem. My BF, lets call him "B" has a lot of female friends, most of which he talks to only online. They met him the same way I did, they searched for someone random to chat with, and found him, they say hi, he responds. He says that none of the only-online friends know about me, or our relationship. He hides it because if he told them he was taken they wouldn't talk to him, and the conversations are interesting. He did meet one of these girls, who contacted him, we'll call her "K", and spent a weekend at her place with his best friend (male). He went out a few more times with "K" and a group of friends. I was extremely jealous, but he assured me it was strictly as friends. He did tell her about me, but only once my visit here was final. The friends he knows in RL know about me, although I'm not sure when he told them...probably around the time he was going to visit me, because he had to tell them he'd be gone for a month.

 

Bigger problem than him hiding me from his OL friends... one of them call's him the german word for Honey or Sweetie "Schatz" (we'll call her "L"). It's a pet name, okay, he doesn't call her that (I know this from seeing her talk to him, and from reading their messages - yeah, i snooped a little). That doesn't bother me too much, although it does my jealous side, because he lets her call him this. So the other day a friend of mine wanted to see pictures from "B" and I's summer together, and I knew approx where they were on his computer (because that's what I'm using while I'm staying here with him). I was looking around the picture folder, and found one labled "friends" I assumed that's where the summer pics would be, or at least some of him maybe with other ppl, I wanted to give my friend an idea of what he was like. Well, I found a folder labled with "L's" name. I was curious what she looked like, so I opened it. I found pictures that friends don't share with each other, pictures of parts of her which are generally not visible (catch the drift?). I checked the dates of when he saved them (maybe it was before he met me, and he forgot about them? that i could have accepted)...Oct, Nov, and Dec of 2006. When he told me she was only a friend, when he told me I was the only one he wanted stuff like that from! AND then...the last pic's...Jan 2007! He accepted pictures of HER while I was here! He had shown me one of the normal pics which was in the file, but had obviously done it after making sure i would NOT see the others. I was shocked, and hurt. I don't know what to do. I mean...is it cheating? I haven't exactly been an angel in this relationship, the distance is rough! I would not, however, accepted pictures like this, ever, from anyone except him!!

 

I did more snooping today. I read the message archive from Oct Nov Dec and Jan (2006-2007). She's telling him that she loves him. I don't understand a lot of german, but I know the word for "naked" and I know "i love you" and "i love you too". Other stuff I translated, or picked out key words, and got the concept. They talked about the naked pictures, details idk, and i love you's and I love you too's were exchanged. It hurts so much...i feel betrayed, and hurt. The thing is though, that I was snooping around...I was reading his message archive's, I was looking at the pictures on his computer...but that doesn't balance out what I found!

 

What do I do? How do I deal with this? Do I keep the relationship going, or tell him goodbye (breaking my heart in the process) and that "L" can have him for herself, no more sharing. I love him so much...and I was willing to move to Europe to finish my schooling just to be closer to him. I would be come a citizen and move here, if he asked me to...but now...I just want to find a cave and hide I feel like scheisse (it's German for $hit)..... anyone got any advice? Something positive would be good, although I'm not so sure that can come from this.... thank's in advance!

[deeplyinlove]

You’re so sweet for replying to my message, I don’t know if I can be of much help in this issue but I’ll try. It would be so much easier to just end it but that would shatter u like you said. You really care about him I can tell and I hate for your heart to be shattered. You need to talk to him about this and discuss where you two stand. I know if you do this though he will know you were snooping on his pc but this is beyond just snooping around. Maybe start off by telling him you wondered what his friend look like and then go into detail how you stumble on those disturbing pics. Let him know how much him having pic like that hurt you and make you feel like he might have feelings for the other girl. Then it all comes down to him. Based on what he says and how he says it, I recommend a phone call over a text because text ya can't hear emotions, and etc. Then its up to you guys to patch things up if they can be and put it behind you, thus making the relationship stronger. This is a really tough situation and I know if I was in your place I would be hurt for sure. But I care about my gf so much I would want to try to work around that because the feelings are strong, and I would be shattered without her. I hope everything turns out ok, take care.

[Sweetie2007]

The problem is, that my boyfriend and I are together now. It's either ICQ with him at work (bound to come home later that day), or confront him in person. I don't know if I would be able to change my flight now, to a month early, if the relationship broke I'm afraid to ask him, not because I'm afraid of him, I don't know what I would do stuck in Germany for a month, without the love of my life, without a place to stay, exc. exc.

 

for all the guy's: if your LD GF came to you with what I have, would you throw the past in her face (my BF is famous for bringing up the past, i KNOW he would now) and get mad that she was snooping, and tell her it was equal then? What would you do?

[catrocks]

Hey

I think you need to talk to him, but perhaps you could bring it up gently without revealing the extent of the snooping?

Basically though, if he has asked you to come and move to Germany to be with him, he must be serious about you. It's a big decision because you'd be giving up everything for him and he must know that, and if he's a nice guy then he wouldn't ask that of you unless he really loved you.

I think you should forget about "L" - you're there with your man and where is she? If you really do love him, which it sounds like you do, then you should fight for him because you're 100 times better than her - she needs to find another man who isn't taken!

I hope you figure it out hun, good luck!!!

[Sweetie2007]

Hey

I think you need to talk to him, but perhaps you could bring it up gently without revealing the extent of the snooping?

Basically though, if he has asked you to come and move to Germany to be with him, he must be serious about you. It's a big decision because you'd be giving up everything for him and he must know that, and if he's a nice guy then he wouldn't ask that of you unless he really loved you.

I think you should forget about "L" - you're there with your man and where is she? If you really do love him, which it sounds like you do, then you should fight for him because you're 100 times better than her - she needs to find another man who isn't taken!

I hope you figure it out hun, good luck!!!

 

Thanks for the advice! I think basically "L" is dead to me. She's 2 years younger than me, 4 years younger than him...since I don't understand the language, maybe she just said stuff like "i love you" "say it back!!! ) and so he said it to shut her up? i don't know, but the pictures were what bothered me the most...I guess I'll get over it. I think I'll ask him some questions about his commitment level, what he feels, what he wants for the future, exc. exc, see what happens... i mean, best case he says he wants to be w/ me forever, worst case it's over... can't get any better or worse than that... thanks again!

[catrocks]

Thanks for the advice! I think basically "L" is dead to me. She's 2 years younger than me, 4 years younger than him...since I don't understand the language, maybe she just said stuff like "i love you" "say it back!!! ) and so he said it to shut her up? i don't know, but the pictures were what bothered me the most...I guess I'll get over it. I think I'll ask him some questions about his commitment level, what he feels, what he wants for the future, exc. exc, see what happens... i mean, best case he says he wants to be w/ me forever, worst case it's over... can't get any better or worse than that... thanks again!

No problem, glad I could help! I hope you manage to get some good answers and that everything works out keep us posted

[Sweetie2007]

No problem, glad I could help! I hope you manage to get some good answers and that everything works out keep us posted

 

I tried talking to him last night, he said he was tired...does anyone else's guy/girl ever refuse a conversation in person? I mean...if your in a LDR then generally you don't see the person much, wouldn't you think that he'd be willing, even want, to talk to me? I'm getting impatient...I'll try again later, although he seems grumpy tonight...idk what to do anymore... I was strong in the beginning, no tears, now, I feel like all I want to do is cry, find a dark cave and cry forever...

 

sorry this is just complaining, guess I needed to vent, I'll keep you posted if anything significant happens....

[catrocks]

I tried talking to him last night, he said he was tired...does anyone else's guy/girl ever refuse a conversation in person? I mean...if your in a LDR then generally you don't see the person much, wouldn't you think that he'd be willing, even want, to talk to me? I'm getting impatient...I'll try again later, although he seems grumpy tonight...idk what to do anymore... I was strong in the beginning, no tears, now, I feel like all I want to do is cry, find a dark cave and cry forever...

 

sorry this is just complaining, guess I needed to vent, I'll keep you posted if anything significant happens....

Awww well good luck on second attempts. Men are odd aren't they. Try to stay positive and strong; I find nagging always works! Good luck!

[Guest]

this could sound mean, but I think if he was ready to commit to a RL relationship, he would've done so in the last 2 years you've been talking.

 

why have you been the one to come to him? has he ever visited the US or talked about it? has he made any effort to say you were the only girl he was dating? even in the US i've found boys date multiple girls without even discussing the existence of other girls.

 

you have to be very clear and ask outright: "Are you seeing any other women besides me?"

 

and then, state what YOU WANT: ex. "i would like an exclusive relationship with you."

 

i know it hurts if it feels like you're forcing him into a decision that you don't think you'll want to hear the answer to, but better that then giving up your life, making all of these accomodations and trying to make it "work" for a few more months when he's just letting you do it out of convenience's sake. the pain will draw out, your paranoia will eventually drive him to this other woman's bed, even if he likes you more.

 

its time to grow a spine woman. (because let me tell you another secret (you already know this but here it is again), people are attracted to people with pride, strength and crazy amounts of self esteem. if you have these in spades, you don't need to go sneaking through his IMs or photo folders, because even if his computer is filled with tons photos of other naked women, you shouldn't be threatened by them. they're only photos. you could take it as a compliment that women are throwing their wiles at your man and he's refusing them. *grin*)

 

if you and he have clear lines of communication and mutual respect, you'll know you're the only girl for him.

 

if you're not the only one for him and he won't commit and you know that's what you want, pitch the bastard and treat yourself to something you've always wanted to do, but never had anyone to do it with, and get yourself some very empathetic women friends. you're not alone, if you need help, find it. if you need friends, they're just an IM away.

 

the universe takes care of its own, it may hurt (feel free to be angry at me for this statement, but growing a spine hurts more than anything) you'll be just fine.

 

you want someone who WANTS YOU just as much!

[Sweetie2007]

1: this could sound mean, but I think if he was ready to commit to a RL relationship, he would've done so in the last 2 years you've been talking.

 

2: why have you been the one to come to him? has he ever visited the US or talked about it? has he made any effort to say you were the only girl he was dating?

 

3: its time to grow a spine woman.

 

the universe takes care of its own, it may hurt (feel free to be angry at me for this statement, but growing a spine hurts more than anything) you'll be just fine.

 

Wow! that's what I call a powerful post! lol. Thanks

 

1: We are commited, and from what the many extensive conversations have revealed, exclusive too. We went through a rough time in May (2006), but got through it, and agreed to be exclusive with each other, no more ****ing around (not litterally :S bad term i know...). It just hasn't been possible to be in a RL relationship. We met at the end of my first semester of college, I couldn't just quit then to come here, and it was the end of his first term too, and here in Germany, if you quit, then you start over at the beginning, if you come back. Taking semesters off isn't possible. He's been stuck in school except for one month in the summer, August. That is when he came to visit me in 2005. In 2006 was when the job stuff that I put below went down. I've been in school, or completely broke working for gas money in the summer, so I couldn't come here to visit. Now, both of us are almost done school. He takes his exam in May (2 months!! ), and I could be done with my AA/Education by the end of the summer (i only have one Math course). I need to go to a good school to continue my education anyway, that's why I'm looking into universities here in Europe, because then it is a double benefit, we're together more, and I get my education. Do you see... the RL relationship wasn't really an option although we both said we wanted it...he was the first one to ask about it, actually...

 

2: He did come to the US, it was him who visited first - maybe I didn't make that clear, but he visited me 8 months after we met, 6 months into the relationship (we talked for 2 months as just friends). It wasn't possible for us to meet in the 17 months between his visit and mine, because neither of us had any money, I was in school, and in the US I have to pay for that, he was here in Germany, and lost one job training and had to go to another, which meant a pay-loss, so he didn't have enough money, or time (new company = no days off for 3 months trial period), plus he had court dates, exc. exc. It just didn't work, until I got here in December (I'm here until the end of this month). So he has put in effort, and I know he would come back to the US to visit.

 

3: The funny thing about that is, he always said I had more spine than the women here. I guess it's just different when I have to ask him difficult questions looking into his eyes, not looking at the webcam image of him. I break down, although over the past few days I've gotten better. I like your idea of just being like "are you involved w/ someone else???". I might try that... I'm not really sure. Like I posted before, I tried talking to him the other night, and failed, cuz he was tired and grouchy. I asked him some hypothetical questions last night, but didn't get anywhere. I'm feeling at a loss, because now it's been almost a week, so there's more that he could question me with...

 

I'm not mad at you for what you wrote, Guest, I appreciate the straight-up nature you have...I generally have that with people too, even my bf, it's just hard sometimes, to look into his eyes, to see the love, and to wonder if it was there when he was looking at her, too... *sigh*