Not sure how to proceed with her...

[Carl321]

My ex-gf and I broke up about a year ago, but continued to see each other and maintained a physical relationship for about 6 months thereafter. She met someone else and began a relationship with him this past September. I never realized until then how much she meant to me, I realized how i had taken her for granted all along, and i spent a few months trying to get her back. Finally, at the beginning of Jan, i gave up and we drifted apart for about 6 weeks with almost no contact.

 

A few weeks ago, i find out that she broke things off with the new guy. I asked her to dinner and we had a pretty good time. We hung out a few more times over the last two weeks and had a good time with each other, and things got a little more intimate each time. We ended up sleeping together this past weekend. She got emotional afterwards and said that things are moving "too fast". I asked her if she would like to take some time apart, and she said no but that she does not want to hang out everyday either.

 

Although i have not come out and said it outright, it must be clear to her that i want to be with her. So I am trying to figure out how to proceed. It seems clear that i need to back off and allow her to figure things out. But i am not sure that no contact is the right way to go. NC seems to me to be the course of action when the relationship is over and you want to heal and move on (with the possibility that the other person will miss you and seek to reconcile). In this case, i want to explore the possibility of a new relationship with her while giving her the space she needs. It seems that talking about "us" and telling her that i want to start over with her would just pressure her and would not be helpful to my cause. Any thoughts as to how to proceed here? Maybe back off by not initiating any contact with her, but being receptive when she contacts me (which she will) and spending time with her once a week or so and just having a good time together?

[Johnny B]

Carl - If NC worked once than by all means do it again.

 

My situation sounds very, very similar to your except that your ex broke it off with the new guy after some time. My ex is still with hers (3 months now).

 

Funny how she came back after you broke contact right? I also have done my share of trying to get her back, especially in the past 3 weeks. However she told me in a recent conversation that she thinks this is someone she can marry so who am I to interfere??

 

I'm going to do what you've done and try to break off all contact, which is so hard because we work together. I probably could use some of your advice actually.

 

If you do the same, it will probably work for you.

 

J

[Carl321]

Thanks for your input, Johnny.

 

After things fizzled with the new guy, she called me and then we have slowly started hanging out again--once or twice a week for the last 3 weeks. I am not sure that going back into NC is the right course here. I do want things to develop slowly, especially when she tells me that things are moving too fast. But the truth is, I screwed up and let her go, so now i need to rebuild that trust and affection. And i don't think NC is the way to do that.

 

As for your situation, i would not take what she says as gospel. They are just words, and words are often not the best indicator of a person's feelings. Things are so fresh for her with this new guy--she is in the infatuation stage when she can't find any faults with him. That bubble will burst eventually. That is not to say that she won't be with him long term or that she will come back to you, but it does mean that what she is telling you right now is not something that she has carefully reflected upon. In any event, i think NC with her is your only option--she needs to discover all of this on her own. Remember: there is nothing you can do to make her want to come back, but there are plenty of things you can do to make her NOT want to come back. (See opening scene of "Swingers" for more detailed discussion on this point).

[Guest XYZ]

I've been thinking about your post Carl. I would say no to NC because she's not asking for that. All she wants is to slow things down. Sex is a big deal for most women and I think she wasn't prepared for the emotions afterwards.

 

If you go NC she might feel used. That is how I would feel. I would also wonder if things didn't go your way are you going to disappear. That's not a good way to build trust. Women like (need) to feel safe in a relationship. If you go NC because she asked to slow things down the last thing she's going to feel is safe.

 

I would suggest acknowledging to her you understand and you agree things need to be taken slowly. That shows you are listening to her. Try to be patient. I know its hard.

 

I hope this helps.

 

XYZ

[had3nuff]

Carl,

 

Yes, take it slow. She sounds like she's confused and/or uncertain about things. You definitely need to give her a bit of space. In most cases, when a woman says things are going too fast, it tends to mean that she's torn emotionally and just needs time to figure out what it is she wants.

 

No, in my opinion, entering NC would not help your situation. I absolutely agree with you on that. There's nothing wrong with you calling her to chat or asking her to hang out with you. Just keep it simple and enjoy her company. Let her see that you respect her wishes. By allowing her to work through her feelings, you will increase the chance that she will gravitate toward you more.

[Trialbyfire]

I also agree that this isn't the time for NC. She did say no, that she didn't want time apart and wanted to see you a few times a week. Do take it slowly and allow her to decide on the pace of your relationship for the next while, but not for an extended period of time. You also have to show her that you still want to be with her as often as possible without putting too much pressure on her.

 

You sound as if you've got your head on straight so go with it. Good luck!

[Am4Real]

Yes, take it slow. She sounds like she's confused and/or uncertain about things. You definitely need to give her a bit of space. In most cases, when a woman says things are going too fast, it tends to mean that she's torn emotionally and just needs time to figure out what it is she wants.

 

[highlight]Yes, slow at this time would be good. She may be torn between the break up and what she wants. Let your attractions work for you but not smother her. Eventually you will have to verbalize what you want, however, the timing for that conversation is crucial as we are all saying.[/highlight]

 

Do take it slowly and allow her to decide on the pace of your relationship for the next while, but not for an extended period of time. You also have to show her that you still want to be with her as often as possible without putting too much pressure on her.

 

[highlight]I agree 100%. [/highlight]

 

 

Am4Real

[littlebopeep]

When my ex of 4.5 years broke up with me nearly 6 months ago,if he had tried to get me back then i would have taken him back with open arms.However we have had very little contact because hes away from home for a year which i think made his decision to end things saying he still loved and fancied me but couldnt be with me right now.

 

Ive been through alot of hurt and tried to find reasons etc but i knew i shouldnt have contact with him which he made it easy because he never contacts me either.

 

Getting back to you and speaking from some1 whos been dumped,i still love my ex to bits but because hes never tried to contact me and has basically cut me dead i think if he came back and said he had made a mistake i would be very very wary and i think this is what your ex will be thinking.

 

By my ex having no contact with me,its helped me moving on but if he had realised he had made a huge mistake then he would have had to go to huge lengths to win back my trust and cutting contact for me just wouldnt work,i would think he didnt care enough to try and win back my trust and show his love to me.

 

 

I personally think that n/c only applies to help you get over a person and move on.If you truly love your ex then you need to be in contact but not in her face.She will be very wary that if you left her once you will do it again and be hurt again.Tell her you understand but that you will always be there if she needs you.Take it slowly and be patient with her because you need to earn her trust again.Good luck,hope this helps.

[thecount]

Be Very careful with letting her make all the decisions. Yes, do give her the space she needs. Do not bring up the relationship too much. I wouldn't jump everytime she says lets hang out either. You're giving her her space. You're not her slave, and you're not her toy whenever she feels lonely and says ok now lets hang out. You need to make some decisions also, or you're going to be miserable in the relationship.

[stace79]

I am thinking from the perspective if my ex was trying to win me back...he hurt me quite a bit so I know I would take awhile to trust him again.

 

I think some of the things others have said and you have said will work....just show her you are there when she calls or messages. Let her know you are thinking about her. If she brings up relationship issues, try to talk to her about them as calmly and unemotionally as possible.

 

I know, for me, I tend to get angry at times about things my ex did, so she may say something hurtful. Just try to remember she was pretty hurt and is still unsure that you won't hurt her again.

 

I think slow is definitely key, but don't cut her off or I think that will doom any chance for reconciliation.

[Kamille]

You sound like you know what you want and I'm thinking perhaps you should put yourself on the line and tell her.

 

Right now she is confused because of all your murky past. I can garantee that a lot of girls who continue having sex with an ex after the break up do so in the hopes of getting their ex back. I can also tell you that continuing to have sex with their ex has a tendency to really mess with their self-esteem.

 

So I think you do need to show her you're into her. No NC for you. By that i don't mean smuttering her with attention but telling her and showing she is the one you want and then letting her come to you (I'm sure you realise sex is not the way to do this). Then take your time. Romance her. Don't rush into anything.

 

It sounds like you have a great opportunity here for great romance. Do it. Have fun. Be the man .

[Am4Real]

I am thinking from the perspective if my ex was trying to win me back...he hurt me quite a bit so I know I would take awhile to trust him again.

 

I think some of the things others have said and you have said will work....just show her you are there when she calls or messages. Let her know you are thinking about her. If she brings up relationship issues, try to talk to her about them as calmly and unemotionally as possible.

 

I know, for me, I tend to get angry at times about things my ex did, so she may say something hurtful. Just try to remember she was pretty hurt and is still unsure that you won't hurt her again.

 

I think slow is definitely key, but don't cut her off or I think that will doom any chance for reconciliation.

 

 

You sound like you know what you want and I'm thinking perhaps you should put yourself on the line and tell her.

 

Right now she is confused because of all your murky past. I can garantee that a lot of girls who continue having sex with an ex after the break up do so in the hopes of getting their ex back. I can also tell you that continuing to have sex with their ex has a tendency to really mess with their self-esteem.

 

So I think you do need to show her you're into her. No NC for you. By that i don't mean smuttering her with attention but telling her and showing she is the one you want and then letting her come to you (I'm sure you realise sex is not the way to do this). Then take your time. Romance her. Don't rush into anything.

 

It sounds like you have a great opportunity here for great romance. Do it. Have fun. Be the man .

 

[highlight]Hello Stace and Kamille (cc: CARL), [/highlight]

 

I think both of your posts offer good advice – why – because NC was broken by one of the parties and the one receiving the contact seemingly wanted it to occur. In this case there are good reasons for dialog and possible reconciliation. However, in my past I’ve had an EX comeback in similar fashion only for me to be a crutch while she recovered from her most recent break up. Aghhhhh…..I think they call it a rebound {{smiles}}.

 

I’m mentioning this because in “most” situations where NC is imposed, the dumpee is usually working desperately to get over the relationship and heal. The dumpee breaking NC is likely to fail in any reconciliation attempt and will head back to square one in healing. The dumper breaking NC is also unlikely to be successful if (for all the reasons you both mention) trust and hurt are still prevalent.

 

What I cannot tell from “CARL’S” original post when he says “few weeks ago, I find out that she broke things off with the new guy. I asked her to dinner and we had a pretty good time.” is was he the dumper or dumpee and, although he found out she had broke it off with the new BF, did he make first contact when he asked her out to dinner. Was that call made out of the blue? Was she surprised to hear from you...did she not seem suspicious of your call timing? I feel like a piece of information is missing, afterall if my EX suddenly called me after a break up I might not be in the frame of mind to speak with her. Maybe she called you first, please explain!

 

Perhaps this is insignificant, however it is worth consideration if CARL was the dumper and underlying this new “communication between them both” are major trust issues within “her” (the dumpee).

 

Regardless, both parties are communicating and seem to enjoy each other in some undefined fashion for the time being, the advice given CARL has been good – go slow and time your intentions to talk about reconciliation perfectly. Of course only you CARL can define “perfectly”.

 

Good luck!!

[Carl321]

Am4Real: The answer to your question is complicated. I broke up with her a year ago, but we continued to hang out. But six months later, i tried to get her back, but that was right around the time that she got with the new guy and she rejected me. So, for our purposes, i am basically the dumpee here. And she contacted me after she broke it off with the new guy. That was 3 weeks ago. Since then, i have let her call me, and i have not always hung out with her when she asked (i.e., she called me last night but i said i had plans). I have not called her except when i was returning one of her calls. I want to try and give her space and let her come to me. As for when to have that talk with her, i was hoping that eventually she would bring it up on her own. That would be the best scenario. So, until then, i need to build up those good feelings and affection for me by just having a good time with her. If that continues indefinitely, however, i guess i will have to initiate that talk with her on my own when i can no longer stand it. I feel like me bringing up the topic of "us" makes a reconciliation much less likely. Any thoughts?

[Island Girl]

I wouldn't discuss reconciliation at all. Don't bring it up and if it comes up soon - I wouldn't let it get too deep (if discussing it at all).

 

Since you broke up with her - you should start off as if it is square one.

 

Just dating. And don't get into the waiting for her to call or should you call thing. - Make plans ahead. When you see her make future plans for things in a few days or a week, etc. (The time period between the times you do see each other is something you'll be able to sense - or should be able to.)

 

Just as you said, have a good time together. Enjoy her - just being able to be with her for now. If you have been wanting her back - the enjoyment of being together should be enough for now.

 

Don't get into a position where you'll end up sleeping together. Clearly this is a pressure trigger for her and you do not want her to feel that.

 

So far I think you are doing great. -- The best you can do really.

[Am4Real]

Am4Real: The answer to your question is complicated. I broke up with her a year ago, but we continued to hang out. But six months later, i tried to get her back, but that was right around the time that she got with the new guy and she rejected me. So, for our purposes, i am basically the dumpee here.

 

Carl,

 

Island Girl’s advice in the post above is solid and I also agree you are doing the best you can with this. I, much like you was the dumper who in an attempt to get back together became the dumpee. Hence you have both perspectives to work with in rebuilding the relationship. I have found the underlying issue when this happens to be “trust”. Like LITTLEBOPEEP, STACE and GUEST XYZ as well as both you and I have mentioned, trusting each other is a focal point. My question to you: if you earn back her trust for you and, when I say that I mean wholeheartedly earn it back, would you trust her at this time. Do you know the reasons she would not take you back before; do you know the reasons she broke it off with the new BF; do you know what she needs, what she is looking for, what she thinks of herself?

 

I’m not suggesting you ask her these questions, that would not be wise, but have you a sense of these answers from her perspective in a way that [highlight]“you”[/highlight] trust her current state of mind and emotion.

 

Am4Real

[Carl321]

Thank you to everyone for your advice.

 

One additional wrinkle to add: I currently live on the East Coast but have just been offerred a good job in California. I have not told her about the offer, and am not sure how to go about it. She does not even know that I was considering changing jobs. I am not sure if telling her that I am considering the offer would be the right thing to do or whether it would just pressure her to make up her mind about me. I feel like telling her that I am considering it (which i definitely am) might force her to reflect on exactly what she wants. If i knew that she wanted to try again with me, I would decline the offer, but I am not sure if taking the chance by turning down the offer (based on how things are now) would be the wisest move for me in the long run. Any thoughts as to whether I should tell her that i am considering a move? I think i can buy myself a few weeks with the prospective employer for me to think it over.