Help...I need advice!!!!!!

[Lisa]

Okay, I'm new at this so please bear with me. I have been dating my boyfriend for a year and a half. About six months ago he tried to hide something about his past and I got very hurt by that. I have gone to therapy and tried to come up with some answers on my own. Things got worse when he told me some girl from Spain Instant Messaged him through random chat. About 2 weeks later I asked him if she sent a pic and he said no. I later invaded his privacy and read the message dialouge between him and his friend. He commented on how hot this spanish girl was(indicating that he DID recieve a pic!). Also they talked about old girlfriends and other pretty women. I felt so betreyed. We fought for months about this lie he told. Now I have a real issue with trust. I feel like he will do it again or even worse cheat! He has told me that he has never and never will cheat because he believes that it is wrong and never wants it done to him but I still worry. We argue all the time but in the end we love each other so much noone wants to leave. The lack of trust is what fuels all these fights. Now all of his friends hate me and he is really unhappy. That makes it even harder to trust someone who is unhappy. SO now tomorrow him and his friend are going out. I worry all they are going to do is bad mouth me. This friend has talked bad about me before and tried to convince him to leave. I hope he doesn't talk him into leaving. HELP!!

[Richie]

"Now all of his friends hate me and he is really unhappy. That makes it even harder to trust someone who is unhappy"

 

This sentence shows how insecured you are. Don't be a people pleaser. Improve your self-respect. Obviously, he won't tell you the truth. Because it looks like you would make simple things to big issues and fight with him for weeks. Sometimes you would feel, you are not good match for him. If you have this feeling, then anything he does will create doubt in you.

 

By listening to his friends, if he breaks up with you, then he is ignorant. Let him go. Think that he is not lucky enough to be with you and You would have better life in the future. Be what you are. Other's thinking should not affect you. If you are going to imagine what his friend will say about you and where they will go and what they will do etc. you will end up in losing your peace of mind.

 

Do not care about anybody in this world. Be bold. Stand erect. Have a firm and moderate voice. Swing your hands when you walk. Show confidence on your face and voice. Don't fold your hands when you talk to someone. Keep your hands on the side. Be ready to face anything and be independent. Live your life. Don't live for others. If you do this, you will feel whole lot change in your behaviour and you will feel the freedom.

 

Lisa, you need to grow up. Read some self-esteem book. You need to meet lot of people. I think, your friends circle is very limited. Make many friends and that will boast your confidence and self-esteem.

 

Take care,

 

Richie

[fuego]

I have to agrre with richie about making yourself crazy...Guys will shut up after their girlfriend makes osmething small into something big...We want to avoid the hassle. Im not saying give in to him but give him some credit. If he is a man he will listen to himself. His friends are scared that his time is not always with them. When it comes down to it is that you are with him in bed at night and the morning not them...If he doesnt respect you then he never will...If you dont respect yourself he wont either...Good luck...Love is a beautiful thing

"Now all of his friends hate me and he is really unhappy. That makes it even harder to trust someone who is unhappy" This sentence shows how insecured you are. Don't be a people pleaser. Improve your self-respect. Obviously, he won't tell you the truth. Because it looks like you would make simple things to big issues and fight with him for weeks. Sometimes you would feel, you are not good match for him. If you have this feeling, then anything he does will create doubt in you. Be who you are. By listening to his friends, if he breaks up with you, then he is ignorant. Let him go. Think that he is not lucky enough to be with you and You would have better life in the future. Be what you are. Other's thinking should not affect you. If you are going to imagine what his friend will say about you and where they will go and what they will do etc. you will end up in losing your peace of mind. Do not care about anybody in this world. Be bold. Stand erect. Have a firm and moderate voice. Swing your hands when you walk. Show confidence on your face and voice. Don't fold your hands when you talk to someone. Keep your hands on the side. Be ready to face anything and be independent. Live your life. Don't live for others. If you do this, you will feel whole lot change in your behaviour and you will feel the freedom. Lisa, you need to grow up. Read some self-esteem book. You need to meet lot of people. I think, your friends circle is very limited. Make many friends and that will boast your confidence and self-esteem. Take care, Richie

[Cici]

I thin there is one major rule I always have, and it has lately proven to be good at keeping a relationship stable and happy: stay out of our partner's private life. I know that sounds odd, but let me explain.

 

I always allow my boyfriend his own space. I don't drink, but he is more than welcome to go out drinking with his friends. I get to go out dancing with my friends. Everyone wins, and we come home to each other to talk about the night and what we did. Don't ge me wrong, we usually spend a lot of time together, but he always gets a few days out of the week to himself.

 

An innocent flirtation is nothing! Commenting on how attractive other women are is nothing, as long as he's not degrading you by perhaps saying "why don't you look like that?" It's perfectly natural to appreciate women's bodies, just as us women appreciate gorgeous men! I can safely say to my boyfriend that someone is cute or hot or whatever, and he's secure enough in himself and our relationship to laugh and joke with me about it. I can do the same with him.

 

There's nothing wrong with insecurity. It's natural to want to protect your relationship. But you have to understand that by being judgemental and restrictive to your boyfriend, you're destroying the relationship. You should NEVER have read his email. That's not just invading, that is violating privacy. All this snooping and criticism and insecurity will lead to resentment on both parts that will ultimately lead to an unfulfilling and unhappy relationship.

 

Try cultivating your own independent lifestyle. You shouldn't care what his friends think of you...if you're truly being a good, honest, nice person to your boyfriend, he'll recognize that. If he doesn't, you don't need to be with him anyway. But consider....are you being a good, honest, nice person to him? By reading his email? Arguing all the time? Making him unhappy? Violating his privacy?