I can't stand to be in the same room with him.

[ShellyPie]

Please help me. I'm not really a bad person. I tend to be very laid back and most people don't bother me.

I met my husband in 2001. We married in 2004. Everything was great for many years. I became very sick at one time and he did such a wonderful job of taking care of me both in the hospital and after I was released. Around late 2005, I began to realize that the honeymoon was over. It wasn't that I didn't love him any more. But I began to want my space. We made a rule that we would have private time away from each other about an hour before bed.

In early 2006, it took anohter man to make me realize how unhappy I was. I figured out that I was in some serious denial. I was VERY unhappy. I began seeing this man but it didn't last long because I knew it was wrong.

Since then, I have tried to make things work. We even went to counseling to learn to communicate. Still nothing has changed.

Most of my peeves are:

1) he doesn't take care of himself: He is overweight. I got him to the gym and he's going pretty regularly. But he's eating more than before. Everytime I get something from the kitchen, it's gone because he ate it. We are going to the store almost all the time or we're going out to eat. His found out his doctor labeled him obese and he got angry and said he could run circles around this guy. Because of his weight, he snores. I got him to go to the doctor and get a c-pap machine but he doesn't use it. He sleeps on the counch. In our almost 3 years of marriage, we have never made it through the night.

2) we can never get anywhere on time. I'm always on time and it bothers me to be late. Everytime I complain, he thinks I'm joking.

3) he's irresponsible with money. He has 2 creditors after him for bailing on his payments. He refuses to get his license tag renewed so he gets pulled over about every 2-3 months. He doesn't even pay the ticket!

I can't live this way. If I say anything about these things, he gets mad and starts yelling. Because of that, I've had to swallow my anger. Now, I've reach the point of being so angry that I can't walk into the same room with him without gaging.

I don't want to get a divorce. I was brought up in a strict religious home. Divorce is not an option unless he is unfaithful or hits me. I don't want to let my family down.

[StayClose]

Just curious, why did you marry him? Were you really unaware of all these things when you were dating?

[Jinxx]

1) he doesn't take care of himself: He is overweight. I got him to the gym and he's going pretty regularly. But he's eating more than before. Everytime I get something from the kitchen, it's gone because he ate it. We are going to the store almost all the time or we're going out to eat. His found out his doctor labeled him obese and he got angry and said he could run circles around this guy. Because of his weight, he snores. I got him to go to the doctor and get a c-pap machine but he doesn't use it. He sleeps on the counch. In our almost 3 years of marriage, we have never made it through the night.

let my family down.

 

Other than the c-pap machine, this was one of my issues before I left my marriage. You deserve to be happy. Why live a life a misery if your husband neglects himself.

[Topper]

Sounds Like he hasa some major issues with Depression. Your adding to the Problem by your negative feeling toward him. If you have any feeling for this guy at all then get him some help. Let him know in a loving way that You would like to have a him back. That you want and need him in your life. Many men suffer depreession in silence. It effects every part of thier lives.

[4whatItsWorth]

ShellyPie, about the obese part, when people become overweight it usually does not happen overnight but over a long period of time. Sometimes, people eat because they like the food and sometimes because of stress or emotional issues. When asking your man to go to the gym, I am sure he would feel much more positive if you cared to join him as well.

 

If my fiancé told me to go to the gym, I would be much more motivated if he said "Let's get fit together!" Rather than it being a one-side story (even if you might be all fit and slim). It is HARD to loose weight and if you have a friend who is willing to help and cheer for you - it becomes not only easier but more pleasant as well.

 

About the "always on time" issue, I am the same. I plan ahead a lot and can't stand being late. But you must have known of his "time optimistic" views before you married him. Is this issue related to all the other issues if it was never an issue before?

 

I think your husband must be quite unhappy to yell at you when you bring it up. I read once about when you talk to someone, if you keep saying "YOU need to pay the bills. YOUR unfit." etc...they take it negatively and goes into "defensive" mode. If you instead approach them with "I would appreciate it if you would pay those bills as I feel this is an issue." and "I would love it if we could motivate each other in the gym!"

 

Money problems are always an issue. But, has he always been like this or is it recently?

 

Perhaps you should spend some time away from each other to see if you'll miss each other or not? What does your husband feel? Does he love you, adore you and appreciate you?

[seibert253]

Sounds to me as if your just bored, and you think someone else will give you the excitment you crave. Let me ask you this, why all of the sudden now, you cannot stand to be in the same room as your husband. ALL of us have our faults, and they just don't develop after 2 years of marriage. They are there prior to and after we say "I do". I'm sure you have things that drive your husband up the wall. Marriage is about compromise and give and take. Have you just sat down with your husband and told him how you feel? Communication works two ways. All of us men seem to have a problem reading women's minds. Men don't know what you are thinking or feeling unless you tell us. Try telling your husband what you've told us and see how he responds. The most fruitful of things are worth fighting for, giving up is the easy way out.

[Trialbyfire]

Have you just sat down with your husband and told him how you feel? Communication works two ways. All of us men seem to have a problem reading women's minds. Men don't know what you are thinking or feeling unless you tell us. Try telling your husband what you've told us and see how he responds.

 

I'm sure you didn't mean it this way but it made me think of one pet peeve I have about men in general.

 

Women are not your mothers or your keepers to be responsible for your actions and have to tell you what they want every step of the way. It's one thing to clearly communicate and another to consistently make the other person responsible for your actions. Both parties in any relationship are adults. Peter Pan and Wendy do not exist.

[ridingthebulls]

Divorce is not an option unless he is unfaithful or hits me.

 

But YOU were unfaithful.

 

You said the following:

 

In early 2006, it took anohter man to make me realize how unhappy I was.

 

So it is alright for YOU to cheat in the marriage, but not him?

 

I think if you want to stick to your supposed values, then you should divorce.

[Woggle]

I'm sure you didn't mean it this way but it made me think of one pet peeve I have about men in general.

 

Women are not your mothers or your keepers to be responsible for your actions and have to tell you what they want every step of the way. It's one thing to clearly communicate and another to consistently make the other person responsible for your actions. Both parties in any relationship are adults. Peter Pan and Wendy do not exist.

 

So men should just know how to read women's minds?

[johan]

Women are not your mothers or your keepers to be responsible for your actions and have to tell you what they want every step of the way. It's one thing to clearly communicate and another to consistently make the other person responsible for your actions. Both parties in any relationship are adults. Peter Pan and Wendy do not exist.

 

I understand what you are saying, but the fact is if something is bugging you and you don't say anything, then it's your fault if the relationship suffers because your resentment builds. If you're with a guy who needs more guidance than you expected to have to give, then you'd better find some ground rules that make the extra communication unneeded.

 

But however much time and effort it takes to communicate what you have going on in your mysterious mind is just how much time and effort it takes. There's no way around it (if you want to stay together and be happy).

[pink smartie]

I understand what you are saying, but the fact is if something is bugging you and you don't say anything, then it's your fault if the relationship suffers because your resentment builds. If you're with a guy who needs more guidance than you expected to have to give, then you'd better find some ground rules that make the extra communication unneeded.

 

But however much time and effort it takes to communicate what you have going on in your mysterious mind is just how much time and effort it takes. There's no way around it (if you want to stay together and be happy).

 

I don't expect anyone men or women to read minds but I do understand what Trialbyfire is hinting at.

 

I think that in order to make a relationship work both partners need to be able to communicate, negociate and carry through the necessary compromises.

 

I have dated guys who would use the 'can't mind read' excuse to bail out of any kind of negociation or responsibility within the relationship, and so I would end up either having to do most of the work involved in making a relationship succeed or having to leave. Obviously, in this instance, Shellypie's husband is aware that his weight gain and financial habits do bother her.

 

that being said, Shellypie, if divorce is not an option then perhaps you could change your attitude about it. What you don't say in your post is how any of this makes him feel. It must be an incredibly hard situation for him to have to live through, feeling that he is disapointing you daily. Perhaps start by allwoing him to express himself and being empathetic about what he has to say.

[Trialbyfire]

So men should just know how to read women's minds?

I think most women communicate a lot of their wants and needs already.

I understand what you are saying, but the fact is if something is bugging you and you don't say anything, then it's your fault if the relationship suffers because your resentment builds. If you're with a guy who needs more guidance than you expected to have to give, then you'd better find some ground rules that make the extra communication unneeded.

 

But however much time and effort it takes to communicate what you have going on in your mysterious mind is just how much time and effort it takes. There's no way around it (if you want to stay together and be happy).

Women aren't mysterious. Most of us are fairly easy to figure out. For me, I do believe that men need to sometimes take out their emotional barometers and figure out the humidity level by themselves. If a woman comes home looking like someone just shot her dog, it's not much of an expectation that she may need some assistance.

 

I don't expect anyone men or women to read minds but I do understand what Trialbyfire is hinting at.

 

I think that in order to make a relationship work both partners need to be able to communicate, negociate and carry through the necessary compromises.

 

I have dated guys who would use the 'can't mind read' excuse to bail out of any kind of negociation or responsibility within the relationship, and so I would end up either having to do most of the work involved in making a relationship succeed or having to leave.

Well said. I guess I get tired of repeating myself. I think we as women don't need to carry on where their mothers left off. Sometimes our way of caring isn't necessarily good for everyone involved.

[Woggle]

Women aren't mysterious. Most of us are fairly easy to figure out.

 

You don't seriously believe this do you?

[Trialbyfire]

You don't seriously believe this do you?

Yes, I do. Both men and women have basic human needs. No doubt sometimes we act irrational but so do men.

[Ladyjane14]

I have to agree with the guys on this one .... particularly this part by Johan.

 

.... if something is bugging you and you don't say anything, then it's your fault if the relationship suffers because your resentment builds.

 

I think we get into trouble when we don't take personal responsibility for preventing the build-up of resentments. If we're not crystal clear in what we need, or fair in our expectations... then we're not taking responsibility.

 

Guys tell us all the time that they "can't read our minds". But way too often women won't take that statement at face value. We try to translate it through our female lens, and when we do... our assessment ends up being that the guy is lazy in the relationship.

 

Problem is... male and female differences are MORE than innies and outties. In general terms, men usually tell us quite literally what they mean. If a guy says, "I can't read your mind"... hey, that's what he means. At that point, a woman can either decide to hold onto her resentments or to give him more direction.

 

The OP in this thread has allowed resentments to build. In some of her complaints I think she needs to adjust her expectations, and in others I think she needs to take personal responsibility for getting her needs met within the relationship.

 

 

 

And on a sidenote... I don't think it's AT ALL fair for her to pick her husband apart like this if he wasn't told about the other man she was "seeing".

If that's the case, he hasn't had an opportunity to make a decision on whether it's in own best interest to stay in this thing or not. If given all the facts, he might not WANT to work on the relationship.

[Woggle]

Quite honestly she just sounds like she is a witch who runs around on her husband and then demeans him which further lowers his self esteem. If you ask me he would be better off if you did leave him. She sounds like one of those women where the guy can't do anything right and in that case why should he even try. If the result is the same no matter what why put in any effort.

[lovelorcet]

I think most women communicate a lot of their wants and needs already.

 

.

 

You are dead wrong on that one.

[tommyr]

Why so much sympathy for ShellyPie? If a man had posted that he cheated on his fat wife, the advice would probably go like this (and rightfully so):

 

ShellyPie: please tell your husband that you were unfaithful and think he is fat and lazy. This will allow him to choose if he wants to stay with you.

[Lennox]

I doubt snoring would bother you if you had (insert dream man's name here) sleeping next to you, right?

 

Now, the credit issue, the car registration, etc are significant issues that affects both of you as a married couple. If he lands in jail because he didn't renew the car registration, are you going to bail him out? I don't know where you live, but if he can't get his act together to drive legally, he should be using public transportation. Riding on buses is a good motivator, trust me.

 

Now as far as the cheating, you realize you're being hypocritical about this right? Because of your religious upbringing you can't divorce him unless HE cheats on you or hits you? What about his biblical right to decide if HE wants to stay with a wife that cheated on him?

 

If you ultimately decide there is no working this out, you should take your lumps and divorce him despite your religious upbringing. It's the kindest thing to do and the lesser of two evils. Despite what you may think, the bible does allow for divorce for other reasons, you just aren't supposed to get married again to anyone but your husband, or it's considered adultery. (if I'm on the right religious track here)

[Trialbyfire]

You are dead wrong on that one.

I can only go by what I've experienced and seen with my social circle and extended network. I see it all the time where women are clearly communicating, the guy acknowledges understanding, then proceeds to do otherwise. Sorry but I have no sympathy for passive-aggressiveness.