Chamari Posted February 28, 2007 Share Posted February 28, 2007 Broke up almost a month ago with my ex bf. It ended on pretty good terms--nobody hates anyone or anything--so we're trying to just be friends. Problem is, both of us are pretty quiet/shy/have a hard time talking about things around most people and part of why we got along so well was that we got really comfortable talking with each other. Now that we're trying the friends route, I'm simply not sure where the boudaries are--is it bad to call him up to just talk? How about massages? He does great backrubs and he does do them for his female friends when they ask so it wouldn't be like something totally out of the norm, but would that be sending the wrong signals? I've never had many guy friends and this was my first real relationship so I don't have any experience with exs so I'm totally clueless as to where the boundaries are for guy/girl friendships (much less friendships w/ an ex) and it makes me feel kinda tense when he's around 'cause I'm afraid that I'll do the wrong thing or something and that's definitely not helping the awkwardness level. Ideas? Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted February 28, 2007 Share Posted February 28, 2007 I say whatever you are both comfortable with. Link to post Share on other sites
LoveLace Posted March 1, 2007 Share Posted March 1, 2007 If you are both that shy, it might be hard but you should probably discuss the boundaries. Talk about what is ok with each other and what isn't. If this doesn't happen, misunderstandings could arise. Cuz even though he gives back rubs to female friends, you might be exception to him since you are his Ex. Then again, how shy could he be if he goes around giving back rubs to women he is not romantically involved with! I hate to say that you should make "rules" for such a friendship, but it's almost like you have to in order to prevent misinterpretation. Link to post Share on other sites
Mythical Posted March 1, 2007 Share Posted March 1, 2007 hey Chamari, I was friends with my ex of 4 years for a long time after. I cheated on him treated him pretty bad etc...Defiently learn't from my mistakes but anywase, he would give me massages we were there for eacthother to talk, hung out etc... The only reason why it didn't work out is becuase all the hate he hade towards me because of how i treated him when we were dating and the excpetance of me meeting someone new. I defiently think it is possible and I don't think it is wrong. Are you seeing someone else? Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted March 1, 2007 Share Posted March 1, 2007 Pretty much all my exes and I have remained friends except the last one... Most of the time it's reliant on how badly one treated the other. If the breakup was by mutual consent or the relationship wasn't that serious therefore the connection not that deep, treat each other like you normally would treat a friend. Some people can even be comfortable with an FWB situation, although it's not something I believe in. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Chamari Posted March 2, 2007 Author Share Posted March 2, 2007 Thanks for the comments everyone. I have tried to talk to him about where the boundaries are but I think he's trying to be really nice about everything so he just keeps saying that he's there for me if I need him for anything--which I really appreciate, but doesn't help with defining boundaries! In all fairness, he seems to be able to handle things pretty well, I'm the one who's worried about awkwardness--partially because anytime someone sees us together talking it seems like next thing I know someone's asking if we're back together--so I guess really it's because I'm worried about what other people think. Silly, but true. I don't want to give people (or him, although I don't think I have to worry about him too much since we've kind of talked about it) the wrong impression about our relationship. And that's why I was curious as to what the "normal" boundaries would be between an exs who are friends. Does that make sense? I hope so. Mythical--thanks for the encouragement. It's nice to know that some people think that this can work. And no, I'm not seeing anyone right now. Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted March 2, 2007 Share Posted March 2, 2007 Problem is, both of us are pretty quiet/shy/have a hard time talking about things around most people and part of why we got along so well was that we got really comfortable talking with each other. Now that we're trying the friends route, I'm simply not sure where the boudaries are--is it bad to call him up to just talk? How about massages? Keep in mind that when it comes time to start dating a new guy, it may cause problems that the only male friend you have is an exe. Especially if you have become accustom to getting backrubs from him. Not every guy is suspocious and insecure about exe boyfriends that are still around. But it may definetly scare off some good guys before your relationship gets to the point where he thinks he can feel confident when your exe is rubbing you to make you feel better. I've been with my gf for 6 months and I would definetly not be comfortable with her exe massaging her. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Chamari Posted March 2, 2007 Author Share Posted March 2, 2007 Lol, I didn't mean that he's the only guy friend I have , but it wasn't until about six months ago that I really found guys that I could be friends with so I'm still in the process of learning the boundaries if that makes sense. I had a pretty sheltered upbringing and just didn't have much interaction with guys until heading off to college. It's still taken me a year and a half to actually get to the point that I'm comfortable talking to guys but I think I'm doing okay with that now. I have this nagging feeling that I probably should forgo the backrubs but I seem to have an amazing talent for putting knots in my back and non of my girl friends use enough pressure to get rid of the knots--he knows how to do it perfectly--and my other guy friends aren't the backrub giving types--much less comfortable with physical contact than my ex is. I'm short on money at the moment so going to a massues is out--any other ideas? Aside from the obvious one of 'find a new bf who likes to do backrubs?' lol. Link to post Share on other sites
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