boshemia Posted February 28, 2007 Share Posted February 28, 2007 It was suggested that I work through the anger I have been holding in for so long, because it has become hard for me to identify my own feelings. So I decided that the method I was most comfortable with was writing letters. It didn't take me long to decide on the feelings I have toward my mother being first... I mean she was the first, and is the longest running toxic relationship in my life. There were a lot of things that came out, and I didn't really have to stop and think while writing them, there were just so many times her words have hurt. How well trained I am, I didn't even realize how hurt I was about them until I wrote them down. When I was sixteen I told my mom I was no longer a virgin, she said "Oh, I figured that happened a long time ago" When I was very little I told her I had been raped (I didn't know the word molested) she said "You weren't raped, I was and I know what it's like... you have no idea. Years later when she found out I had been molested for sure she said "Just don't tell your step-dad it will upset him, he'll kill the guy" Last year at my aunts wedding my Mom made a comment "Since when have you ever made a good decision" In front of the entire family... My 10 year old son stood up and defended me, he said "My Mommy makes good decisions all of the time" She laughed and said "Boy, she sure has you fooled" She knew I had been raped about five years ago... she even knew who did it, I just refused to talk about it. When she came to me and told me he had raped a seventeen year old girl we knew, I finally told her the whole story. She said "Don't forget, this isn't about you." She is always trying so hard to convince everyone what a bad person I am, and I love her so much that I believe her. There were so many times she has hurt me... so many things I can't imagine doing to my own children. So anyways... I wrote this letter, and now I feel like I see her in a different light. I am truly ready to forgive her, not for her sake... but for mine. I just don't want to carry this stuff around anymore : ) I can't send her the letter because it will just put the whole family in turmoil, and last time that happened they decided it was best to not speak to me until I came to my senses. So what do I do with these feelings now... And what can I do in the future? Link to post Share on other sites
lonelybird Posted February 28, 2007 Share Posted February 28, 2007 Your mother's comments sounds very hurtful. I don't know if I can forgive my mom if she said so in a situation like this. You are very brave to write these down, it's a big step to heal. Maybe this is a little irrelevant, but I think maybe can help a little. Yesterday I watched a program on TBN television. There was a black lady who will held a women conference, and who was emotionally and physically abused by many men. Now she is married to a rightious man, but because of her past, she could not trust her husband. but one day, Jesus told her "shout out all these men's names who hurted you", then when she did so, tears came down endlessly, after that she was completely healed, no longer feel dirty as Jesus had made her clean. and her husband seems very proud of her because she had so much courage to testify her experiences in order to heal others. When you think nobody care about you, that's not true. Jesus care about you. and He sent out his messengers to tell people so. If you invite Him into your heart, you would feel the healing. His love can prevail all darkness. As for your mother, yes, it will take time to forgive her. what can you do? we are all imperfect, all make mistakes, and not all knowing what they are doing and hurting others. Would you Please check out this website under? Link to post Share on other sites
CardPlay3r Posted February 28, 2007 Share Posted February 28, 2007 Hi again boshemia, good idea to put those feelings down. I wouldn't advice listening to religious blabber tho.. I think you need to cut off the hurtful people form your life your mother including, or they will keep on hurting you. I mean they think nothing of you getting raped? Geez, freaks. Link to post Share on other sites
lonelybird Posted February 28, 2007 Share Posted February 28, 2007 Hi again boshemia, good idea to put those feelings down. I wouldn't advice listening to religious blabber tho.. I think you need to cut off the hurtful people form your life your mother including, or they will keep on hurting you. I mean they think nothing of you getting raped? Geez, freaks. you are non-religious blabber.... so you have controling freak parents who are religious? Link to post Share on other sites
burning 4 revenge Posted February 28, 2007 Share Posted February 28, 2007 you are non-religious blabber.... so you have controling freak parents who are religious?Can I ask what country you're from? I've always been curious and I'd send a PM ,but you don't have PM capability I don't think. Link to post Share on other sites
lonelybird Posted February 28, 2007 Share Posted February 28, 2007 Can I ask what country you're from? I've always been curious and I'd send a PM ,but you don't have PM capability I don't think. I am from east Link to post Share on other sites
Author boshemia Posted February 28, 2007 Author Share Posted February 28, 2007 Actually since I wrote it I have felt a strange calmness... maybe it's just acceptance. This is just who she is, and mostly... she doesn't realize that her words hurt people... She is very emotionally shut off from the rest of the world, sometimes I hear her tell other people how proud of me she is, but she never actually says it to me, and I don't think she'd even say it if she knew I could hear her. Years ago I had a problem with her throwing tantrums, there I was 30 years old and I would still cower when she started yelling and throwing things. I finally told her that it made me uncomfortable when she lost her temper in front of me, and next time it happened I was walking out. I walked out on her a few times, and she made a big deal about it. She went to every familiy member in the house including my husband and told them all how I had just over reacted and was pouting about not getting my way. I stayed across the street at my house for awhile and then came back. I sucked, but it worked... she hasn't lost her temper with me around in a long time. Mainly it's just a lot of unhealthy boundaries in my family...even when boundaries are set they assume they apply to people outside of the family. Link to post Share on other sites
CardPlay3r Posted February 28, 2007 Share Posted February 28, 2007 Please let's not hijack this thread, it's about an important problem someone has and all this off topic stuff does nothing Link to post Share on other sites
CardPlay3r Posted February 28, 2007 Share Posted February 28, 2007 Well you are breaking those boundaries with your own family which is great, less ignorance for the future generation Maybe you can move away somewhere where most people don't have medieval concepts of life Link to post Share on other sites
Author boshemia Posted February 28, 2007 Author Share Posted February 28, 2007 I am seriously considering it... Like everyone saying to have no contact with the ex, lol. I live in a town with a population of under 500... the Ex lives with my grandmother, not exactly the easiest no contact situation. In November I will be able to transfer my housing anywhere I want, and I've been thinking very seriously about where I would like to go. What is best for my kids, and where I can grow as well... I actually was gone for most of the summer, when the pressure just got to be too much. My kids were with their father for summer break and I lived in a camper by myself out in the middle of a family members property. I was sort of in hiding, but man was it nice : ) I missed the heck out of my kiddo's but it allowed me some time to get my head together... Link to post Share on other sites
CardPlay3r Posted February 28, 2007 Share Posted February 28, 2007 Yeah if you can make a fresh start definitely go for it....you can't get completely over it in that small town where you can see the people that hurt you every day...how is the investigation of your rape going? If I remember correctly you were trying to put pressure on the police to do something.. Link to post Share on other sites
lonelybird Posted March 2, 2007 Share Posted March 2, 2007 I am seriously considering it... Like everyone saying to have no contact with the ex, lol. I live in a town with a population of under 500... the Ex lives with my grandmother, not exactly the easiest no contact situation. In November I will be able to transfer my housing anywhere I want, and I've been thinking very seriously about where I would like to go. What is best for my kids, and where I can grow as well... I actually was gone for most of the summer, when the pressure just got to be too much. My kids were with their father for summer break and I lived in a camper by myself out in the middle of a family members property. I was sort of in hiding, but man was it nice : ) I missed the heck out of my kiddo's but it allowed me some time to get my head together... You are strong, girl. Please keep treating yourself good Link to post Share on other sites
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