Meggs4 Posted February 28, 2007 Share Posted February 28, 2007 Hi there, I have something that is really bothering me. I would like to know If I should worry. First off I have been with my boyfriend for a year and a half now and I love him with all my heart. It hurts me so much to even think this. So we have had some problems like any normal relationship. I guess it's hasn't been perfect since the begining. I have a trust issue with my boyfriend when he is on the computer because I found out that after we started dating he did some "stuff" with girls online and got a few phone numbers. This was after 3 months of us dating and he was still doing it. About a month ago I got a new job so I'm out of the house alot. Since I have gotten the new job, he is on the computer twice as much and I have found that he has lied to me about talking to females on MSN. I forgave him as he said they were friends from college.He never used to go on MSN when I was home and since I got this new job, he is now coming home early from work to go on msn, which i caught him the other day. Well recently he had added some girl who he claims was a friend from college, but there is no message history from her anywhere on his computer (he keeps all message histories from years ago). When i found out I got mad and deleted her from his MSN in which he said he didn't care because he didn't realize who it was and he didn't want to talk to her.He promised me that he wouldn't add her back on his MSN and wouldn't talk to her. I found out today, that the day after,while I was at work all day he not only went and unblocked/undeleted her, he also went and talked with her after promising me he wouldn't. Then he went and deleted the message history and also went on the computer and went and deleted the message log. I asked him if he talked to her and he promised me he didn't. I went into the recycling bin on his computer and restored that message log. So I found that he lied to me about talking with her and tried to cover it up, and now he went and added her again on his msn. Should I be worried about this or am I making to much of it. I'm just having a hard time because if he says it's a friend from college then why is he covering it up so much?? Thanks Link to post Share on other sites
justagirlforever Posted February 28, 2007 Share Posted February 28, 2007 OK, so is he just talking or having online sex? It sounds like he's bored & lonely and has far too much time on his hands. Does he not have a job? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Meggs4 Posted February 28, 2007 Author Share Posted February 28, 2007 yeah he has a job but he only work 3 days a week. But it the point that he tried to cover up talking to her. If there was nothing going on then why would he lie to me twice and cover up that he even talked to her. Link to post Share on other sites
MySugaree Posted February 28, 2007 Share Posted February 28, 2007 Blame the Net: it's so easy to connect, now. In the old days, if a guy wanted to play he had to go out to a bar or hook up with a friend from work. Now all he need do is sit home in his pajamas while the wife/GF is asleep or at work and cyberflirt like crazy. The 3 I's-- Internet, Id and Intel-- make cyberflirting much too easy. As for your BF, he probably loves all the online attention and strokes he's getting. The women are tempting, the investment of time and energy minimal and the relationship costs--at least for now--are acceptable. The scary thing is that your BF now has 2 lives: his life with you and his cyberplayground. His efforts to keep these two worlds apart evince a guilty conscious and a desire that you not ruin his fun. Is it cheating? Yes. Your BF is secretly communicating with other women and attempting to hide this from you. Your major goal should be to shut down your BF's cyberplayground without him resenting you for it. Personally, I'd throw all computers out the window when, as here, the PC becomes a tool for cheating. Of course, that's easier said than done. Link to post Share on other sites
justagirlforever Posted February 28, 2007 Share Posted February 28, 2007 In my personal opinion - cheating is "the intent to deceive" - irrespective of what form that deception takes. So, he lied to you. He's covering up (trying to). He's cheating. But - he might be covering up because he's ashamed to admit he's lonely and bored. Don't just tell him what to do / what not to do. That's never going to stop someone if they really still want to do it. Ask him why he's doing it. And perhaps he needs to get a job or do something useful with all that time he has on his hands. Instead of living in a lonely fantasy world. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Meggs4 Posted February 28, 2007 Author Share Posted February 28, 2007 It's easier said then done, I have tried to get rid of the computer he just wont have it, he is even checking his email more now. He will check it atleast once a day before i got my job and now He checks it atleast 3-4 times a day. I asked why he checks it so much but he just says in case a job emails him. Like hello they wouldn't email you to let you know you have an interview, they would call. Am I totaly wrong on this, am I making to much of this or am I right. Link to post Share on other sites
justagirlforever Posted February 28, 2007 Share Posted February 28, 2007 You really can't tell someone how to lead their lives and what to do if they don't want to do it. It will just make them want to do it more. It will just make them trying to deceive you even more/better. Instead, you need to understand the root of this. Not just try and eliminate the end result. Link to post Share on other sites
MySugaree Posted February 28, 2007 Share Posted February 28, 2007 You're right: your BF is cheating. And justagirl's definition is correct in my view. He has too much time on his hands. He's most likely in an entrenched pattern and might even be Net addicted. The trick is to break the pattern without breaking your relationship. The guy needs a full time job/activity--preferably one not involving Net access. Good luck, you'll need it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Meggs4 Posted February 28, 2007 Author Share Posted February 28, 2007 yeah I need good luck, I have told him to get another job and it turns into a fight. Instead of getting a job so that i'm not working my butt off all day everyday he would rather sit on msn all day. I have said to him that instead of being on the computer go and handd out resumes, and his excuse eveytime is that you can't hand out a resume everyday, which I agreed, but it has been over a month since he has. So in other words the way I feel is that he wants me out of the apartment for his alone time, which i agree everyone needs alone time, but I also feel like it doesn't bother him because he can just go and talk to other females to fill the "void" sort of speak, and I also told him that. He has said that he only talks to them because he is bored. Ok that is fine, but back on the girl subject. If they were such good friends then why has he not talked to her for over 3 years, and he didn't even have her on his MSN when we started dating. So I'm confused with that. Did he add her or did she add him. I have asked him and he said she added him. Well thats kind of odd. I know I wouldn;t go randomly add some guy I wasn't good friend with especially if I havn't talked to him in over 3 years. If she is really from college or not. He has all his message histories on his computer from college and the last few years, and that address is no were to be found. It's a fvery confusing and frustrating situation. He is 25 and says he is out of his college ways, but is he really. I think he is happy I'm out of the house. Link to post Share on other sites
MySugaree Posted February 28, 2007 Share Posted February 28, 2007 I suspect he's playing the field online. He does NOT want you around because you disrupt his favorite activity--chumming online for women. You're not some paranoid, controlling shrew. You're losing your BF not to another Woman but to the cyber-enabled possiblility of Other Women. He's playing online. As long as he does so, your offline relationship will wither and rot while he invests his time and energy in attracting online babes. You'll inhabit different worlds riven by a lack of trust, suspicion, neglect and resentment. For many an offline relationship, the PC is THE highway to hell. If you want to play second fiddle to online flirts, then carry on.If he doesn't change his ways by Summer, I'd exit stage left. He needs a real, full-time challenging job, now. Link to post Share on other sites
Carbine Posted March 1, 2007 Share Posted March 1, 2007 This whole thing reeks of betrayal of trust. I am not sure what you should do at this point, but I am annoyed on your behalf Same. He's treading the apparent 'fine line' between acceptable behaviour and infidelity, and exploiting it to the hilt. I think this would enrage me just as much as actually finding out he was 'cheating' cheating. If he was upfront about what he was doing, then I'd still be dubious. But the fact that he's being sneaky and argumentative - sorry, but there's something going on there. Doesnt necessarily mean he's shagging girls behind your back, but to me it points to someone who is at worst not entirely committed to the relationship and at best, someone who gets his kicks out of being (or trying to be) a bit of a 'ladies' man'. Where does his money go, anyway? Who pays for the internet connection? And who owns the computer?? If its you, have the net cut off for awhile, or tell him he's got to buy his own damn computer and net connection. Then you can see how much he really wants to carry on his idiot behaviour. Link to post Share on other sites
Cinnesyn Posted March 1, 2007 Share Posted March 1, 2007 Your bf is a loser. Kick him to the curb and find someone who appreciates YOU, won't look for someone else while you're working, and has the decency to work for a living. I too have someone like you do. At least mine has a somewhat full-time (but very low paying) job in retail. I suspected he was up to no good because he closed a chatroom window when I came up behind him. Yes, he was chatting with the ladies about things that he knew I wouldn't like to see. I considered it cheating. He called them "friends" and accused me of being so controlling and jealous that he couldn't even have "friends". I bought a keylogger and began to see just exactly what he was talking about with his "friends". It was totally unacceptable. When I confronted him about it, he agreed it was cheating and has since stopped. I never told him about the keylogger but told him that a friend was sending me screenshots of his conversations. I still watch what he does but he's so much better about the subject matter than he was before. His behavior change (and my continued spying on him) saved our relationship. It irked me so much that he had the gumption to sit there and eat my food, sleep in my house, use the electricity I pay for, and then have dirty chats with other women. I won't get over that, even though he's being good now. It still hurts. Maybe you should install a keylogger and see what he's up to. Then confront him and kick his butt out. If you need a roommate to help make ends meet, try http://www.roommates.com. Link to post Share on other sites
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