* * Insecure about the old boyfriend still around

[insecure mac]

Okay. So here's the set-up. I've been dating a great girl for 6 months. Most everything is great, and she and I aren't the issue. The issue is a "friend" of hers. So early on I found out that she used to date this guy in college. Then they broke it off cuz she had to switch schools. Then he transferred and they got back together for a while. She assured me they were just friends, told me on more than one occasion that she hadn't even told him that she loved him.

 

They are still very close friends although now they live far apart. She had dozens of photos of him around her apartment, and none of me, even after 4 months of dating, when the issue finally got through to her that it upset me and she took them down. Now I find out she lied, that she not only told him she loved him, but that he was "the one" for her. This guy is closer to her parents and her sister than I am, they talk on email, instant messenger and the phone, although she makes sure never to do any of that when I'm around.

 

It makes me insecure to think about how this guy is still such a big part of her life and her family's. She is sick of me being insecure and says if I can't just trust her it can never work out. I know some of this is because I've been cheated on a couple times in the past with other girlfriends. I don't know how to just "be okay" with the fact that the closest person she loved before me is still her closest friend.

 

Help me out, what do I do, what do I think, how do I just be okay with this? She is pissed and isn't willing to do anything more than what she has done.

[oh_what_am_I_doing]

Ok I can understand your plight, but alot of people do remain friends with their exes. I wouldn't worry about it if I were you. I would love to be in your shoes actually. My boyfriend LIVES WITH HIS EX of three and a half years. She bakes his mom banana bread. His sister posts stuff on her myspace page. You get the picture. It actually doesn't bother me too badly, but it would be nice to not have her there all the time.

 

The photo thing would bother me though. Perhaps you should suggest getting some photos taken together. You can set the ten second timer and get pics with the two of you. You could buy a frame even and give it to her as a gift. I would totally dig that if it were me.

[Sevenmack]

If the family has a close relationship with him, that's to be expected, especially if he's been around longer. So that's not a topic of discussion; you'll need to develop your own relationship with her family and become a part of their lives without even demanding them to spend less time with him.

 

Given that you've only been dating for four months, I wouldn't expect her to have tons of pictures of you around the house. But her ex? Hmmm. Something's smells rotten in Denmark, as Shakespeare would write, and I can't blame you for being disturbed about this. Especially in light of the news that she declared her love -- and made him "the one" in her life -- at one point.

 

At this stage, you need to talk to her about where this relationship is heading and just as importantly, will her ex be less of a player in her life. The former is a conversation that needs to be had; either this relationship is developing into permanency or it's not. Period. If she wants to be with you, she needs to assure you of that, both through words and actions.

 

That leads to the latter, which you must broach carefully and without rancor: She needs to take some of his photos down. They may be friends, but there's no need to have several photos around the house. More importantly, moving some of those photos out is a sign that you've become a true fixture in her life and not just some dude who occupies her time while she pines for her ex.

 

For this to happen, you need to politely let her know that the photos are a problem for you and they make you uncomfortable because it makes you question your place in her life. And if you are as important to her as she is to you, she'll give real thought to this and proceed accordingly.

 

But if she refuses to take down the photos or hesitates when it comes to answer the the relationship status question, then you may need to cut her off. Life's too short and too long for wishy-washy women who might be still pining for their ex-lovers.