all for nothing???

[serendipity1202]

I hope to keep this short and that you can give me some input on the situation.

 

At the end of last semester I met a guy and compeltely fell for him. But I presently was in a realtionship and after telling him that he said it is better if we call the whole thing of. I ended the old relationship and took the summer to heal and tried to forget about him. It was working out.

 

At the beginning of this semester we met again, talked about what had happened and found out that we both couldn't really stop thinking about each other (and that after only meeting twice before).

 

So we decided to give it a try. I told him that he should know what he wants and that the whole thing was a big step for me. He said he is sure and that he wants the real thing, not just a bit of fun and then calling the whole thing off again.

 

So we got together, and it was working out really fine. We were getting along great, we did lots of things together, he showed that he was serious about me in many ways (like telling his friends, wanting me to stay over cuz he wanted to wake up with me, generally showing commitment and that he cared) He was honest and even told me that he had real problems showing his feelings and talking about them. And I gave him time, tried not to pressure him, also made sure that we did things with our friends without the other one so that we would clutch to each other. I was just having this feeling that he was the one, and I knew that I was special to him cuz his last relationship was a year ago, and he normally didn't let a girl that deep into his life.

 

And after 5 weeks, after planning things for the week on Sunday, on Monday he came to my place, set down in front of me and just said, i think it is better we end the realtionship because I don't have any feelings for you and I don't think we have a future together! I was devasted, I thought I coudln't believe my ears. It just came out of the blue.

 

We then talked for quite a while, him being rather cold and defencive and me crying, but trying to be rational.

 

His explanations were full of contradicitons - saying he does not have any feelings for me at all, and in the next sentence saying that he didn't want to carry on because then in 5 months if we would find out that we didn't belong together we would have grown much closer and that it would be much more difficult for us both to end the relationship. Or saying that everything was fine, and there was nothing wrong between us two, but that he was looking for the woman of his dreams, the perfect woman and the perfect relatioship. And that he found out that I wasn't the one.

 

Anyways, I tried to analyze what happend with my best friend, and my parents, and we all agree that he has problems with commitment, and that he is loneley but cannot deal with a situation of being close to somebody else (all having lots to do with his parents who do not seem to have given him much love or support troughout his life). I just definitley know that he has/had feelings for me, just because of the things he did. But it seems like he got insecure, and panicked, and then just fled.

 

He also said that he likes me, and he wants to keep in contact. But he doesn't want a relationship - even if he will regret it he wont try it again because he made this decision and now will stick to it no matter what!

 

I am just hurting now. I can't even hate him, cuz I just understand his actions too well (I once was feeling/acting similar). But I do not know how to carry on. I do not have that feeling that it is just over. But I do not want to wait and hope that he changes his mind. And i cannot just put and end to everything and carry on and get over with the whole thing. I care to much about him for that. I just feel trapped without a plan. And I feel I do not have the strengh to just wait and heal and find somebody else, I did this far to often and far to long in my life!

 

Hope you can give me some advice. I just do not see why these feelings for him are so strong when they are worth for nothing!

[butterflyz]

Maybe he is not insecure and a commitment phobe, maybe he sees that there is no future.

 

sometimes we meet people and we think there is something special there and after the dust clears, there isn't. this is no attempt to say you are not special, it just means that he does not see a future (for whatever his reasons).

 

i will use my own story as an example. i met someone who i thought was special. he took advantage of my trusting nature. he would like to say i "allowed" him to do so. i am a decent person and live by the creed of "do unto others". but, we would never agree on that aspect, he would like to absolve himself of his misdeeds and i would never let him do it.

 

anyway, i realized over this year by some horrible things he has done (worthy of jail time, but he buys everyone off - another disgusting trait of his) i do not see him the same way anymore.

 

the person i thought i had feelings for does not really exist because he hid his true self (obsessive, sick, possessive person). the person that he truely is, does not attract me. he could go to counseling, jump up and down on one leg and quack like a duck, he could never convince me to give him another chance.

 

meanwhile, he still tries to manipulate and use the people around me to give him info on me or to try and get me to see him in another light. i'm too smart for that. but he still thinks i'm stupid, so he still tries.

 

everyone would like to see this as a romantic fairy tale. i see it for what it is, a sick twisted story. obsession does not equal love, it is very destructive.

 

but, he still thinks there is a future. he doesn't seem to get it, he does not possess the qualities i am looking for in a man. i'm not looking for perfection, i am looking for a decent human being. one that would not ruin someone's marriage to get the person, or use the people in her life to hurt her, or vandalize her house, etc. i don't want that kind of sick person in my life.

 

in your case, let him go. he knows what he's doing, even if it means you are hurting for a bit. you'll fall in love in again, you'll see.

[midori]

I know how hard it is to let go of someone you love. I know what it's like to endure sleepless nights, dismal days and being on the constant verge of tears.

 

It sucks. But the way out is not to keep poking at the relationship that has caused all the grief in the first place.

 

This guy has shown little or no concern for you. It's all about him, his heart condition, his wish to go to concerts with openly scheming women.

 

And you can't change him.

 

You can't. No matter how much you believe that it would work if only he changed just a little, or if only he understood this, this, and that about you, or if only he realized how vital you are to his life. He's not going to change. Not anytime soon, anyway. And given his age, I doubt change is in the cards for him at all. Maybe by the time he's eligible to join the AARP he'll have developed some consideration.

 

You're waiting for him to say, "OK." You're hoping, and praying, and willing to stoop to asking friends to call (very jr. high school). You're tying yourself up in knots because you've made up your mind that it must be, and he isn't going along with it.

 

Butterflyz said something very helpful to me last month: sometimes people don't see the worth of a relationship in the same way. It sounds like that applies to your situation. And the thing is, you can't make him see it your way. Withdrawing from him, pursuing him, tricking him, willing a religious-like revelation upon him: none of these things will get him to see the worth of the relationship the way you do.

 

If you were trying to do a research project with someone who was slacking off, not doing his part, and generally making things difficult for you, would you keep on trying to work with him? I doubt it, not with your course grade riding on the outcome. You'd say, "right, I'd rather do this entirely on my own than with you." You'd notify the professor that you're going solo, or you'd find a new partner. You wouldn't keep trying to make your lazy, uninterested partner try to shape up and do his part.

 

But that's in effect what you're doing. You're better off alone, and/or looking for a new boyfriend. Stop waiting for him to give the word, to come around, to see the light. YOU should see the light about him: he's not worth it. Walk away -- not because he has sent you away, but because you're saying, "no thanks." You don't need to tell him that. You just need to understand it yourself.

 

It won't take right away. You'll still have sleepless nights and grey days for a little while. I'm sorry about that. But it'll clear up sooner than you think if you stop letting it be about him, and start making it be about you, what you want, and what's right for you (hint: it's not him!).

[Tony T]

Get away from this guy and get away fast. Don't even consider being his friend.

 

Oh, yes, you can hang out with him and grow closer but you'll get nothing but frustration and pain. If you happen to be into masochism, then this might be your right guy, but he is definitely Mr. Wrong!!!

 

So you admit to knowing the drill here. This guy's got a long way to getting over his committment problems. Maybe he'll never get over them. I'm sure that if he wasn't so screwed up you'd make a great couple...but, then again, if I were a female I could make babies.

 

I'm really sorry about this. You might even consider the fact that you may attract men of this sort because you are still carrying around some of that same kind of energy. Perhaps you, yourself, aren't over your own committment problems and subconsciously you suck in these kinds of guys to perpetuate a syndrome you'd like to think you are over.

 

Go into yourself big time and make sure all of your own issues with the past that made you a committment phobic are cleared up. I know it sounds hokey but we do attract certain people into our lives for certain reasons. The dynamics are complex but let's just say some of life's lessons are pretty complicated.

 

Anyhow, this short relationship was part of your growing and healing process. You should happily let it go because it's the kind of thing you're trying to break away from in hopes of achieving a clear and comfortable mindset that you are ready for the real thing, ready for real love, and not afraid of it.

 

This new ex is not the issue. Cut the cord now and forget about him. Don't wallow in the pain either. Consider him just another pimple in the acne of a life you're wanting to be free from and move on to better things.

 

You've got way too much to offer to waste your time on sick men.

[Ally Boo]

He may have thought he could handle a relationship, and then it bit him in the ass.

 

When I went through this, I did care about my bf very much, but I was too scared and too worried about myself, and those feelings took over me. I ended up coming and leaving twice. And put him through emotional hell. And the whole time we tried to be friends, and I just ended up hurting him more. I didn't mean to, I was just really confused.

 

The BEST thing you can do, is get away from him for good. Maybe when he's ready to have a real relationship, you won't be married, but if you are, that's fine too, bc he has a lesson to learn.

 

I PROMISE YOU BEING FRIENDS WITH THIS GUY WILL DESTORY WHATEVER YOU HAVE LEFT.

 

BC I did that to him...

[serendipity1202]

Hey everybody!

 

Just wanted to give you an update cuz the situation is getting even more crazy. Yesterday I met one of his friends and she asked me what really happened. Apperently he completely freaked after we broke up. The whole week he was not himself, starting arguments with his friends, being agressive and drinking way to much. He talked to some of his friends about it and they all told him that he is a fool and that he will regret what he did pretty soon. He must have really thought about the things I said to him about his idea of a perfect relationship etc. cuz he actually went to one of his friends asking him how you know that you really love somebody and how to make a realtionship work.

 

I just can't be angry at him because I just feel I understand him way to much. I have been there, I know what it feels like if you want somebody close to you but are scared crazy to let go and let somebody in your life. And everything I found out by analyzing the situation with my friends turned out to be true (based on what his friend told me).

 

I understand now, that he just isn't ready for a relationship and that he would just end up hurting me again, because he is so insecure about himself and his feelings. But I just feel sorry for him, and I can't stop caring about him cuz he must go trough hell at the moment.

 

I just also think that it is quite a thing that his friends are basically on my side and even want to stay in contact cuz they really seem to like me.

 

Perhaps we both just got stuck in a situation - me thinking that I can help him over his insecurieties with my love for him (probably having to do with the fact that that was what happened with my ex before him - and there it worked) - and him thinking that he was ready for a serious relationship just because he wanted it and he after a long time had found a girl that he could care about.

[Tony T]

This is a guy you DON'T need to be involved with in any way. Unless you are into masochism in a big way, being around somebody who's only in the very early stages of getting his act together is just plain crazy.

 

Don't drag this on and on and keep talking to people and trying to analyze it. Doing that will not profit you in any way.

 

Move on and make yourself happy with somebody who's not nearly as nutty.

 

Because of your feelings, he cannot be a good friend either...you cannot be a good friend to him. He's just way too screwed up for that.

 

See you down the road....

[serendipity1202]

I cannot just turn somebodies life upside down and then walk away and not care! I mean after all we are grown up and should care about what happens to the people around us (even if they are not always fair to us).

 

I'm not a weak vunerable woman who can't defend herself from getting hurt - except for staying out of the way of people who might do that. I am old enough to learn from my mistakes and to handle people that might want to hurt me!

 

I know that there is no future, I am not hoping and waiting. But I need to know what happened and why things happened, even if it's only for my own sake! I need to understand the mistakes I made, and let other people make to learn from this situation. Otherwise it was all for nothing and I cannot close the file.

 

I was really hurt when this happened, but now I have it under control, and I am really positive towards the whole situation, because my feelings were not worth for nothing, and I finally understand what is going on in his head. That is all I wanted! Now I can move on and learn from this! That's positive, not negative! And if it's friendship which he is looking for, and there might come a day where I can be a friend to him, then that's not bad. Just because he might stay a part of my life doesn't mean that he will carry on hurting me cuz he then simply can't any more. I wont let him. But for that I will just wait and see what happens, nothing more!

[Tony T]

Your goals and intentions are quite honorable. But the fact is that in the vast number of cases, there is no way to accurately pinpoint the causes of the failure of a relationship. Relationships consist of way too many complex dynamics to be able to do that.

 

In most cases, its a combination of conflicts in chemistry, personality, family upbringing styles, intelliegence, maturity, interference from family and friends, common interests, etc. that cause people to break up...not just one thing.

 

I do wish you luck in your venture and hope you arrive at some closure for yourself. I have grown to create my own closure because, for myself, I have been able to realize that when a relationship fails the reasons are not important.

 

What is important is that we do our best, be the best we can be as human beings, and make sure we surround ourselves with others who are doing likewise. When we meet someone with whom we can interact without a lot of friction and chaos, then we celebrate.

 

I stubbornly refuse to waste my valuable minutes on this planet trying to analyze the past. However, I fully understand where you are coming from because I was there onetime myself. However, I wish I could go back and retrieve some of those wasted days and months.

 

Good luck to you and I hope you find the answers you seek. And I hope you make good use of them in the event you find them.

[butterflyz]

when we sit and analyze the past we try to grasp at anything to make sense of today.

 

the bottom line is that he did what he did.....usually people do things to benefit themselves, at the expense of others. it is called greed and dishonesty.

 

if you look at his behavior from that angle, it will determine his actions. everything he says and does will be a reflect of his intent. for instance, in the 7 habits of highly effective people, steven covey says that if you make your decisions from a point of priniciple, usually you can't go wrong and your decisions will be fair. if you focus your intent on family, work, money...whatever...your actions and behavior will reflect that vantage point.

 

once you figure out his angle, then you'll see the pattern.

[butterflyz]

stop talking to his friends and trying to get them to help you get this guy.....speaking from the other end.......it is so annoying. you are trying every way to scheme yourself back into his life because you feel the need to rescue him. maybe he is not insecure with his feelings........maybe you are just not the one for him.

[Ally Boo]

This is too wacky for me to even begin to contemplate anymore.

 

But if ya keep holding on to any shread of hope....then you are juts gonna get your heart broken again....but the only thing holding you is that little tiny string of hope, and it will break...