Should I just stop talking?

[thejoker244]

I'm sort of confused and heartsick right now. I have known this girl for 5 years. She and I were more acquaintances, and lost contact with one another until back in August. I'm currently going to school 600 miles away from home, so we have been communicating via Internet, phone and instant messenger on an almost daily basis.

 

Well, I came home for Christmas break, and she offered to take me out for drinks. Basically, I had an amazing time with her while I was home. I told her that I had a crush on her a few weeks ago, and as we have gotten closer through my vacation, I have started to develop an interest in dating her. I was confused as to whether or not I should tell her my feelings.

 

After I told her that I had a crush on her, she only started to communicate with me a little more. One night we went out for drinks, and ended up coming back to my place. Things..ended up happening that night. I asked her out on a date a few nights later, and decided to bite the bullet and tell her how I felt. She was all smiles and giggles, and at a loss for words...of course I guess the fact that I kissed her a few times factored into that. She has said that she likes me, but she's not ready to commit to anything just yet (not just with me..with anyone)..and of course I told her that I was fine with that, and didn't want to push her into anything. I also mentioned that should she be interested in seeing where this could go..that I would be very interested.

 

We continued to have a great time, talk daily, hang out while I was at home. When it came time for me to head back to school, suddenly everything drastically changed. She used to initiate all of our online conversations, and that happened a time or two when I returned to campus, but gradually she got more and more quiet. Gratned, she has become busier at work..but things just arent quite the same either.

 

She used to answer my text messages or return my calls, but lately that hasnt happened either. Of course, its not like Im calling or texting all the time..Ive probably called 5 times and sent maybe 10 texts in the last 5 or 6 weeks. Our communication used to be around 80 or 90 text messages a night! We had a conversation a while back where she said she was afraid to lead me on in case things dont happen down the road, but I told her that she doesnt need to worry about that..Im not going to misinterpret what she says. I sent her some flowers for V-Day, and she really seemed to like them.

 

At any rate, I have still tried to just be a friend and send a message or two on the weekends, but I havent heard anything. We had a fairly normal conversation on AIM the other day, and I just decided to ask "are you uncomfortable talking to me?". I dont know if she's just avoiding the question, or if I just caught her at a bad time, but I got the response "no at work now talk later". I sent her an email a few hours later asking if it was alright that I call, since I didnt want to take the chance of catching her at a bad time at work..but I didnt get a response from that either.

 

Honestly, Im not sure what is going on at this point. She says she loves talking to me and I can call or text anytime, but lately she doesnt respond. I know her ex is poking around and trying to get back together with her (he broke up with her over the summer, and it was pretty nasty), so I guess that factors in. She's the type that lays it all out, so if she didnt want me to talk to her, she would just say so. Im just wondering if I should stop trying to talk for a while, or if I should just come out and ask her what is going on. I respect the fact that she's not interested in dating anyone right now, and I dont want to risk losing her as a friend, you know? Her friendship means a lot to me..Im just really bothered by this bizarre behavior. Is there any hope to salvage anything out of this if I just put some distance and space between us for a while? Any advice or insight you can give me would be greatly appreciated.

[ocset]

I'd say test/msg her say that if she wants to talk that you're there for her or something like that then give her some space; dont ignore her (if she contacts you), but just back off a bit.

 

But then I'm not great at advice!!

[thejoker244]

Well, Im sure she's probably more than aware that Im there should she want or need to talk. Ive gone a week or so without saying anything before, and then sending an email or something, so it tends to work. Im already two days into the NC thing, so I really dont wanna break my streak by sending her a message to reiterate that. Im just hoping I dont have to wait too long until I hear something back. I'll give it as long as it takes though. Having that chance with her is important to me sometime down the road...but having her as a friend is even more important to me. I'll give her all the space she needs for as long as she needs it. In the meantime, if anyone else has any helpful advice or hints, please share. I'll be headed home for spring break in a few weeks, and Im wondering if I should try to call and see if she'd like to hang out one night or not..

[silentcharon]

Do you know whether the fact you are going to school 600 miles away is playing a factor in her decision not to date you?

[thejoker244]

Well, after her nasty breakup, she's decided she just wants to do what she wants to do right now. She's just interested in having fun right now, and doesnt really want to commit to anything with anyone. Im moving back home in May after graduation. I guess maybe the distance could be a factor in why she's gotten so quiet lately, but that really doesnt make sense...I mean we were talking quite a bit before I came home for the holidays.

[bones]

It sounds like she's not sure what she wants. Clearly there is some change in her behavior and thinking. If she doesn't volunteer, don't press her for an explanation. Absence makes the heart grow fonder. If she has feelings for you she will begin missing your communication. It is painfull to let go, but it is probably a good idea to chill for a while and don't initiate any communication with her. It may be she is used to you taking the lead-- but the sudden drop in response isn't too great of a sign.

 

If she gets in touch, be very pleasant. It is ok for you to be honest and let her know you are happy to hear from her. Update her on all the great things going on in your life so she is aware you aren't sitting by the computer/phone waiting to hear from her. Don't ask her about the long pause in your relationship. Do ask her for an update about her life and whether she's happy.

 

I have a long distance ex-boyfirend from twenty years ago that I'm still friends with. We've seen each other twice in 10 years. We don't communicate often, but once in a while I drop him an e-mail and ask for an update. I give him a brief one too. He's always happy to hear from me. He knows I'm there if he needs a friend and that is all that matters.

[thejoker244]

yeah, it is hard. Ive gone three days with NC, and its starting to get a little easier. She really is sort of confused about things right now, and I dont want to factor into any of that. I do miss talking to her, and I just hope that sooner or later, she'll miss talking to me and say something, ya know? I know she may not have the feelings that I have for her yet, but she does like me, and has told me that and that she loves talking to me and hanging out with me. Right now, Im about two weeks away from going home for spring break, and Im wondering if I should let her know..have a friend let her know Im around, or if I should just keep it quiet for now...

[bones]

I would have a friend casually mention you are home. Since you still have time. make lots of plans with other friends. If there is a watering hole you know she frequents, get some friends together and go there. If she sees you have a life and don't need to have her, she'll start to wonder what she's missing out on.

 

It is such a difficult situation. I feel for you. I have a friend I'm very fond of. Unfortunately, we are both married and have kids--so there is no chance of being together. I love my husband, but it is very nice to have the friendship with him too. It is admirable that you value the friendship so much. That will get you far in life. If not with this woman, with someone else very special. Hang in there.

 

Keep us posted.

[thejoker244]

Thank you for your advice. I can only imagine how you feel in your situation. Yeah, she really is an amazing person, and I really do care a lot for her...as a friend and more. I just want her to be happy above all. While I realize I was probably too forward, she did appreciate me letting her know, and at the time it didnt seem to affect anything. I dont want to push her into making any decisions, as I think that maybe she's been in too many of those situations. She's mentioned that she's afraid she may be leading me on in the event that something doesnt happen...but all Im concerned with now is her enjoying herself and living her life, and being there for her as a friend. Im three days into the NC so far, and I do miss talking to her. We are so much alike, ya know? I'll definetly keep you posted. As for the name drop, we both have a mutual friend that Im gonna go see while Im home..so that might be a possibility as well..

[thejoker244]

Well, it will be a week monday since I started the NC process. I really miss talking to her. We are so much alike its almost scary, haha. I just hope that this all works out and we are able to talk again soon. I'll be home for spring break in a little less than two weeks, and Im hoping that maybe we can hang out or something. We'll see what happens..Im fine with just being friends with her. Some people are telling me I should let the friendship go, but if she can be friends with ex's who have ripped her heart out, then certainly she can be friends with a guy whose only fault was telling her that he liked her...right? Maybe when we talk again, I should just tell her that friendship is all I want so she doesnt think Ive got this hidden agenda going on...