Second chances are a funny thing...

[loveratud]

As the dumpee you spend all your time thinking about what you could have done different, and everything you can do to get them back. And somewhere in there you become so single minded about getting them back that you discount your own feelings. Maybe it becomes a game of ego, getting them back, proving that you're worth being with.

 

The point is, once you get that second chance, you start to think about your own feelings again. And all of a sudden it hits you, this person gave up on you and your relationship. They walked away from you. Suddenly you've gone from thoughts of how you must not have been good enough for them to stay, to thoughts of their worthiness as assessed by their walking away. Now they're not good enough. They don't deserve to be with you.

 

And looking back on the whole cycle of it, I can't help but find it both humerous and sad that there is basically no way to prevent this cycle. A thousand people can be telling you that you did nothing wrong, and that they made the mistake, but you still want what you can't have. Then you get it, and you realize that all those people were right. Of course, that means that this post won't really help anyone to avoid this situation, but others who've been through it can comment with their own feelings.

[oppath]

This is why it is important to assess what you did not like in the relationship and how you would like to be treated differently in a relationship. Keep those things in the forefront of your mind when you are dumped.

 

If you reconcile, assert those needs straightways. Make her/him earn your trust back. Don't make outrageous demands but they must cherish you!

[Monsieur Triste]

Ah, I just wrote a long post explaining my situation (hopefully that will pop up soon, I was an idiot and didn't register first) and I'm pretty much right there in the first paragraph stage. I don't know if I'll ever get to the second, but I think you are right, even knowing this, I can't stop it. Well, it's food for thought anyway and it's good to see that what I'm feeling is so common.

 

bravo.

[Johnny B]

The thing I want to comment about on this post is that if you are in a relationship that was bad or had lots of issues, try to be glad that you are out of it.

 

Do not find yourself in my case where you had something good and let it go... now that it's gone, you miss and regret it, wishing you could have done something differently.

 

J

[loveratud]

Do not find yourself in my case where you had something good and let it go... now that it's gone, you miss and regret it, wishing you could have done something differently.

 

J

 

Well, things are different if you're the dumper. The way I see, as a dumpee, is that someone who ends a perfectly good, healthy relationship is an idiot. They destroyed an enormous amount of trust on a whim, and once that trust is gone, the incentive to rebuild it is slim to none.

 

Kinda like building something nice in New Orleans when you know what can happen. Precedent is the strongest indicator of the future, and to ignore it is folly.

[juk]

Trouble is Johnny B I know full well it's over for me and I should be thinking to myself Im glad it's over, im glad i got away from a cheating lying wife, but it's the role of the husband and the father i crave so much and miss like i can't put into words.

 

If we really had of given it a 2nd chance and really tried i know in my heart of hearts i would never be able to forgive her for the pain and agony im still going through right now and both our lives would of been miserable.

 

When your dumped you want that pain to go away so to get back would obviously stop the pain but then once your in the driving seat again the resentment would soon show for the pain that they put you through. Especially if its been quite a long break up and youv'e been suffering for months and they showed absolutley no remorse or even the slightest bit of concern about your health.

 

How can you forgive someone that can destroy you as a person and not feel resentful when/if giving it another go?

[Krying]

loveratud, that's some nice words you put down there. I can relate 100% and have been lately again going over how I would have done things differently with my ex. To this day, I love her like crazy, but the mood swings of thinking about her and then thinking about other people I hope to meet in my life don't appear as much as they used to.

 

juk, you also said some nice things too. Even if I did get a second chance with the girl I loved, was going to marry, and then watched helplessly as she ripped out my heart, left me and got married 3 weeks after leaving me, is that while she did say she was sorry in her last email to me, she never actually showed it. They were just words. I lost alot of weight, was having panic attacks and even noticed my first grey hairs on my head. Though I still want another chance with her more than anything I've ever desired, I know it would probably come with the price of never being able to trust her again.

 

I wish I never got involved with this girl. I'm in so much pain without her, cannot forget her, will most likely never get to be with her again, and thus any future relationship I have I will always be thinking of her, comparing others to her and so on.

[D-Lish]

I wish I never got involved with this girl. I'm in so much pain without her, cannot forget her, will most likely never get to be with her again, and thus any future relationship I have I will always be thinking of her, comparing others to her and so on.

 

Krying. That doesn't have to be the case.

 

I dated a 33 year old man who was still in love with a woman who had left him 6 years ago. It was painfully obvious to me that he hadn't let go of the grief and anger of losing her... and it was pretty heart breaking for me to be involved with him.

 

Please, don't let yourself become like that. To refuse to get over someone who treated you so badly and caused you so much pain is resolving yourself to a miserable existence. You can either choose to work on really getting over it- or choose to let the loss eat away at you so that you go on to hurt the women in your future as this woman has hurt you. Why choose that path for yourself?

 

The bottom line is that you do have the strength to get over her. You shouldn't deny yourself a possible great love in the future because you've been hurt in the past.

 

I heard a great line today. "There are over seven billion people on this earth... believing that there is just one perfect person out there for you is ridiculous".

 

Really work on moving forward... seek out some counselling if you need to. I can't tell you how awful it felt to love someone who couldn't love me back because of an unresolved past.

 

Make a promise to yourself that you are going to make a concerted effort to heal from this... and then start taking some small steps forward. You owe that to yourself.

 

D

[loveratud]

Krying. That doesn't have to be the case.

 

I dated a 33 year old man who was still in love with a woman who had left him 6 years ago. It was painfully obvious to me that he hadn't let go of the grief and anger of losing her... and it was pretty heart breaking for me to be involved with him.

 

Please, don't let yourself become like that. To refuse to get over someone who treated you so badly and caused you so much pain is resolving yourself to a miserable existence. You can either choose to work on really getting over it- or choose to let the loss eat away at you so that you go on to hurt the women in your future as this woman has hurt you. Why choose that path for yourself?

 

The bottom line is that you do have the strength to get over her. You shouldn't deny yourself a possible great love in the future because you've been hurt in the past.

 

I heard a great line today. "There are over seven billion people on this earth... believing that there is just one perfect person out there for you is ridiculous".

 

Really work on moving forward... seek out some counselling if you need to. I can't tell you how awful it felt to love someone who couldn't love me back because of an unresolved past.

 

Make a promise to yourself that you are going to make a concerted effort to heal from this... and then start taking some small steps forward. You owe that to yourself.

 

D

 

Exactly. Someone who would hurt you this bad doesn't deserve to be with you. They don't deserve your devotion or love.

 

I know it's hard to get over. I suggest mentally coaching yourself against them. Everytime you think of them (and that's a lot, I know) think to yourself, "I hate her. She's a terrible person." Just a few days of doing this will totally change your way of thinking. Instead of sitting around feeling sorry for yourself, you can do things in spite of her.

 

*Note: this may or may not be a healthy way to do things.

[Krying]

Krying. That doesn't have to be the case.

 

I dated a 33 year old man who was still in love with a woman who had left him 6 years ago. It was painfully obvious to me that he hadn't let go of the grief and anger of losing her... and it was pretty heart breaking for me to be involved with him.

 

Please, don't let yourself become like that. To refuse to get over someone who treated you so badly and caused you so much pain is resolving yourself to a miserable existence. You can either choose to work on really getting over it- or choose to let the loss eat away at you so that you go on to hurt the women in your future as this woman has hurt you. Why choose that path for yourself?

 

The bottom line is that you do have the strength to get over her. You shouldn't deny yourself a possible great love in the future because you've been hurt in the past.

 

I heard a great line today. "There are over seven billion people on this earth... believing that there is just one perfect person out there for you is ridiculous".

 

Really work on moving forward... seek out some counselling if you need to. I can't tell you how awful it felt to love someone who couldn't love me back because of an unresolved past.

 

Make a promise to yourself that you are going to make a concerted effort to heal from this... and then start taking some small steps forward. You owe that to yourself.

 

D

 

My story is a sad one really. I know there are many others out there in the world who would all be compatible and lovable in terms of a relationship etc. I guess my problem stems from the fact I have tried to get myself back out there, I feel confident and ready to tackle the world, but ultimately I still feel terrible inside. Nothing so far has ended up holding any fruit and I seem to be in a cycle of rejection. This naturally brings me back to the point of thinking of my ex. She was a person who had many faults, was selfish and dishonest and yet I loved her regardless. Since I have no one else in my life at this point, all I have are my memories of the person I gave me heart to do. I only had some anger for my ex for a short while and that was a few months after she left me. My financial situation and so on, took a turn for the worst based on choices I made that we were going to get married. This was the source of my short lived anger, not what she did to me or the manner in which she did it. While I feel a little better, I don't care if I end up in the gutter. I can't stop loving this girl and even as I type this, I'm teary eyed.

 

I'm well aware of the stupid and sad state my life is in. I'm presently re-locating and moving my life to another part of the world. Hopefully my life will become happier there away from where I am currently which is very close to her. I'm a honest, naive and fully trusting person. Despite the fact my ex left me in the coldest manner, never contacted me again, and got married to a person she herself had left and wasn't sure on. The fact is she is married and that is that. This has not stopped my heart from loving her and holding onto the hope that in time we will be together again. I know it's silly to feel this way, but after trying to ignore my inner feelings, they simply will not subside. I won't be contacting her or making any moves in that regard. But my heart and head will not stop thinking of her.

[Trialbyfire]

If the relationship was healthy, yes, I can see the dumpee going through this cyle and probably being right. On the flip side, it takes two to tango in most cases. When the dumpee has gotten over the other person sufficiently so they are capable of looking at it unemotionally (adjustment period), there are things to learn from a relationship that didn't work out.

[Krying]

That's what makes this so much harder to accept. It was one sided in the split. She wanted to try again with her ex and that was that. Her one and only contact with me after she left was via email apologizing to me saying, I had done nothing wrong, she was sorry for what she had put me through but she had to try things again with her ex. In some ways I wish I had done something wrong so that I could feel responsible for what had happened. I was the innocent bystander here. I'm pretty sure a lot of people might say the same thing and how they didn't do anything wrong and it was all the other persons fault. In my case it was just that.

 

The only way she will re-appear in my life again, is if her marriage fails. And I think it would have to be her leaving the guy and not vice-versa. Otherwise if he left her, she would most likely be the state I am in now of the dumpee still in love with their other.

 

I don't care anymore how pathetic my feelings have become. I've tried to date others and it's just such a hollow feeling. Obviously I haven't found the right person yet, but I've not even come close to even having a rebound relationship. Just being outside on a nice sunny day, still flips me out lately thinking about what we did, where we were and so on. Seeing dates on caldenars is crazy too as now it's a timeline of before we got serious and after. And just this constant desire of wishing I could go back in time.

 

My fate seems to be determined outside of my control. Until I meet someone else that hopefully would be even better than my ex, I will always love her and want her back. And I don't think this will decay over years as it's been nearly 6 months since she left me. While romantic, it's pathetic too. I know it's stupid, but I can't force myself to stop feeling this way. I can be doing ok for weeks at a time, then all of a sudden just go nuts thinking about her.

[Yernasia Quorelios]

"I hate her. She's a terrible person."

Another technique is to treat her as two different people, the person you loved and the dumper. While she was the person you loved you had every reason to want to be with her. Once she became the dumper you have to ask yourself why you would want that person. A great quote from another thread is "I want someone who wants me".

 

Nothing you can do will change a dumper's mind, only they can do that if they choose to. Until then the dumper does not want you. Everytime you think of her remind yourself of that:mad:. You will soon find that you really don't want anything to do with her unless and until she changes her mind and becomes the person you loved again:love:.

[thecount]

In my experience, She's left me quite a few times. Then there was a whole other indiscretion thing she did. Whether she slept with her ex or not is not the issue. well, maybe in hind side. lol -- but when she finally came back, I looked at her and new I could never forgive her. SHe has a lot of issues to take care of. She really needs therapy. But all and all. I just couldn't do it. The last thing I told her was go make up your mind. Good Bye! I havn't called her, she's called me quite a few times, and txted me also, but I didnt answer. As much as I do miss her, I do not miss the hearache. And I don't want it anymore.

 

I was asked by a friend of mine. "what if she gets help, and she realizes she wants you"? That you are the one. Hummmmmm... She would have to prove it beyond comprehension. I love her, I miss her, but there's so much a person can take. Her last message was "how can you just walk away like that"? Just like that???? are you kidding me? I stuck by her through every ordeal she can give. Just like that??? Please... I think she's just baiting me to call her. Which won't happen. I'm too stubborn. Even though today was pretty bad for me. I missed her a lot. But I won't call her.

[Krying]

Another technique is to treat her as two different people, the person you loved and the dumper. While she was the person you loved you had every reason to want to be with her. Once she became the dumper you have to ask yourself why you would want that person. A great quote from another thread is "I want someone who wants me".

 

Nothing you can do will change a dumper's mind, only they can do that if they choose to. Until then the dumper does not want you. Everytime you think of her remind yourself of that:mad:. You will soon find that you really don't want anything to do with her unless and until she changes her mind and becomes the person you loved again:love:.

 

I like that quote

 

I've tried the method of thinking of all the bad things about her and even holding on to that. It's useless. I'm naturally an easy going guy and have never been able to hold a grudge and hate towards anyone in my life. I can only hate her for so long, then my feelings of love for her simply erase the hate.

 

The one thing I'm crystal clear on, is that if she comes back into my life, it will be on her own doing. Despite my desire to do something, anything and everything possible to be with her again, it's totally out of my control. If she wants to be with me again, she will make the move in the direction. Right now she's married and it might workout for her. It might not. Only time will tell. Despite knowing that the only way she could be a part of my life again is if she makes the first move, this hasn't diminished my desire to be with her. I might not have the freedom to be with her, but my mind certainly can and my heart hasn't left her at all.

[thecount]

Krying, I know what it's like to hold on to hope, but her running out on you and marrying someone else. wow, that's out of control. Did it happen right away? I really feel for you. You have to hold on to the hate right now. It's all you have, and you have every right to hate her at this moment. I'm like you in the sense that I'm easy going "nice guy" way. But that's too much to handle. I know you still love her, love just doesn't disappear out of nowhere. If that was the case then you never loved her at all.

 

Why would you want her back? There would be no way you can forgive her for something so horrendous. I know right now you're thinking that because it's fresh on your mind, but in time you would see what a low despicable act that was. Way out of control bro. Total lack of respect. Remember, this is someone who probably told you "I love you" numerous times, and she does this. Be angry at her. You have every right.

 

I just cant' believe that people act this way, like my ex did with me. Don't people think before they act? THis is making me angry.

[Cub]

Well, I can say from personal experience that the issue of trust in a second chance relationship is probably the deciding factor. I recently got my second chance with the girls I've been pining after all these months and it's...different than I expected, to say the least. To say that I really love her would be going too far as, in our time apart, I've been beating myself across the head to detach emotionally from her and her indecisive ways.

 

It really shows in her, her indecision that is. She left me for a guy and then left him to come back to me. She still talks to this guy, from what I can discern, and, not only that, but another "friend" of hers recently confessed his feelings and got us into a near fatal fight not but 2 days after we got back together officially.

 

I'll come right out and say it: I don't trust her. My original feelings for her are dead and won't come back unless she can prove that she's loyal enough not to leave at the first sign of interest from another guy, as it happened last time. Why invest myself emotionally into something that's, so far just hanging in the clouds.

 

I can say that because she refuses to end contact with either of these guys.

 

To say the least, second chances are difficult. If the former-ex doesn't prove how he or she is still the same confused mess that left you by doing it again, you might just end up leaving because of the emotional baggage left over from the first time you had your heart ripped out.

 

Personally, I'm not going to invest anything more than mild interest until I'm sure that I'll get more back. Everyone deserves a second chance but they have to prove that they want it so, and I think this is key, don't give them too much power until you yourself are sure.

 

The most important thing is not to forget everything you've learned while you two were apart. If things go wrong again, they'll be what keeps you from completely repeating the mistakes of the past.

 

Peace,

Cub

[Island Girl]

I'm not sure this is valuable or not but here goes.

 

I was the dumper who got the second chance. A lot of times.

 

I'd dump the guy and then miss all of the attention and someone who I knew cared for me - not just what I look like - and so I'd go back to them.

 

But they'd come back to me immediately - and I'd lose respect for them because of it - they'd desperately want to feel more secure so they'd pour out their hearts to me about feelings and it would suffocate me with guilt.

 

Then I'd end up treating them badly and instead of calling me on it - I guess they feared losing me again so just as they did in the first place - they took it. So I'd lose even more respect for them and it would become a vicious circle. Until eventually I'd break up with them again.

 

Sometimes it was more times than just two.

 

The problems I had with the relationship to begin with, and the reason I broke up with them in the first place, were always still there and would get magnified.

 

So it would be over again but faster than the first time.

 

And to Krying:

 

Your posts tear me up because I know I have done the same thing to guys. I'm sorry. I am so so sorry.

[Krying]

Krying, I know what it's like to hold on to hope, but her running out on you and marrying someone else. wow, that's out of control. Did it happen right away? I really feel for you. You have to hold on to the hate right now. It's all you have, and you have every right to hate her at this moment. I'm like you in the sense that I'm easy going "nice guy" way. But that's too much to handle. I know you still love her, love just doesn't disappear out of nowhere. If that was the case then you never loved her at all.

 

Why would you want her back? There would be no way you can forgive her for something so horrendous. I know right now you're thinking that because it's fresh on your mind, but in time you would see what a low despicable act that was. Way out of control bro. Total lack of respect. Remember, this is someone who probably told you "I love you" numerous times, and she does this. Be angry at her. You have every right.

 

I just cant' believe that people act this way, like my ex did with me. Don't people think before they act? THis is making me angry.

 

Count, she was in a relationship with her ex, then left him. We started getting closer and closer and this was all before it came out about her previous relationship. She made it appear she had been single for quite sometime. So in essence I was probably the rebound guy even though we had known each other awhile and she had been interested in me for quite sometime.

 

3 weeks after she left me suddenly (1 day after she had us go look at wedding rings), she married her ex. I was given no warning, and no chance whatsoever to even discuss this with her. She simply made up her mind, and was going to email me. It just so happened that I suspected she was up to something as her demeanor suddenly changed. I went to her place, she said it was over, to forget about her, don't fight for her, it was her decision, please respect it, and that was the end. Anything I tried to say that night was met with her threatening to walk out. So didn't' want me to say anything.

 

I havn't even gotten to the point of asking myself could I trust her again. I too believe everyone deserves a second chance. It all depends on how she would approach me or the subject if it ever came up. While my heart still burns for her, the prospect remains I will not ever hear from her again in this lifetime. I do know I'm not going to turn her away if she ever did contact me, but I certainly would not then try and jump back to how it was before we ourselves were going to get married. We were only 1-2months away from our own wedding, yet she married her ex without any of the ceremony or family etc. that she told me over and over she so wanted to have.

 

I want to be angry Count but I can't hold onto it. If I think of her in any fashion at all, it always morphs into feelings of love for her. Best to not think about her at all. Even intense feelings of hate turn to sorrow, then attachment and love.

[Trialbyfire]

The problems I had with the relationship to begin with, and the reason I broke up with them in the first place, were always still there and would get magnified.

 

So it would be over again but faster than the first time.

 

This is realistic. Unless the person makes core change(s), getting back together never works.

[thecount]

Krying, No one here, or anywhere has the perfect answer. It's all a crap shoot. relationships are hard, I had an ex wife tear me apart, whom I was with 10 years, and now I think what the hell was I thinking? I should have been gone 8 years before that, then another ex g/f who was married and told me that she was seperated really wasn't, she was still very much married and living with the man. she kept that up for 4 months, and now this ex, who just treated me like a doormat. I just kept going back, I had enough, you too will have enough. Life is hard enough, the person you love should make it easier on you, not harder.

 

Damn, I wish I had the perfect thing to say to you, but i don't, because I'm still grieving over my ex. As much as I hate her, I'm talking about pour unadultreated hate right now. I still miss her. Explain that? She was horrible to me, but still I love her and miss her, what the hell do I have left to love? yet I love her. and better still, I won't and will not contact her.

 

Maybe I need therapy.

[Yernasia Quorelios]

I still miss her. Explain that? She was horrible to me, but still I love her and miss her, what the hell do I have left to love? yet I love her. and better still, I won't and will not contact her.

If you subscribe to my theory earlier in this thread, then you don't miss or love the person who was horrible to you, you miss and love the person you fell in love with. Also good on you for not contacting her, she's horrible .

[suchislife]

Well, I'm doing all the right things, staying busy, going out, haven't found anyone interesting to date yet, but I'm ok with that. Yet, here I sit, crying about someone who ended a relationship of a year - by telling me it was basically all in my head. And I'm crying about it. I haven't heard from him in almost 3 months, and was doing ok for the last month, but this weekend it hit me again.

 

I would be ok if I knew we were just friends. But he doesn't contact me at all. I don't get this. How can you go from everyday to not at all, with no closure, no explanation?

 

I'd be scared if he did want a relationship because I know what all of you have said is true and that's exactly how I feel. BUT, why can't we just be friends and call it a day? Why did it have to end on such an ugly note? I'm ok with being friends. He doesn't have what it takes to have a relationship, but why be a complete jerk about it?

 

My friends say it's because he doesn't want to be just friends, and he is trying to buy time to get his act together.

 

I'm telling you, if I continue to feel this way, I'm going to have to get some help because I can't stand this anymore. It would have been better if he had said he wasn't interested, yada ya da...

 

The silence is deafening. I hope crying helps, I've exhausted all other avenues.

[Yernasia Quorelios]

I hope crying helps, I've exhausted all other avenues.

Yes it does help! Keep hitting those gushers whenever you need to until you can't cry anymore. You will get to a point where the crying stops and you start feeling a lot better.

 

How can you forgive someone that can destroy you as a person and not feel resentful when/if giving it another go?

Do not give it another go if you cannot forgive the dumper, you will certainly be resentful. Also do not give it another go just to make yourself feel better.

 

The way to forgive is to identify the reasons for the breakup and make sure that they are dealt with. Make sure that you have talked honestly and thoroughly through the reasons for the breakup. I know it's hard to do when emotions are involved and all you want is the person back but it's the only to way to forgive. The reason for this is that forgiveness comes from understanding and empathy which can only be reached through open, honest dialog and positive, cherishing actions.

 

Even intense feelings of hate turn to sorrow, then attachment and love.

Great quote .

 

The one thing I'm crystal clear on, is that if she comes back into my life, it will be on her own doing. Despite my desire to do something, anything and everything possible to be with her again, it's totally out of my control. If she wants to be with me again, she will make the move in the direction.

You are exactly where you should be, well done. It will get better and you will find someone who will help it get even better. Then you will be in a much better position to decide whether you really want this woman or not.

[scubafish]

I like that quote

 

I've tried the method of thinking of all the bad things about her and even holding on to that. It's useless. I'm naturally an easy going guy and have never been able to hold a grudge and hate towards anyone in my life. I can only hate her for so long, then my feelings of love for her simply erase the hate.

 

The one thing I'm crystal clear on, is that if she comes back into my life, it will be on her own doing. Despite my desire to do something, anything and everything possible to be with her again, it's totally out of my control. If she wants to be with me again, she will make the move in the direction. Right now she's married and it might workout for her. It might not. Only time will tell. Despite knowing that the only way she could be a part of my life again is if she makes the first move, this hasn't diminished my desire to be with her. I might not have the freedom to be with her, but my mind certainly can and my heart hasn't left her at all.

 

quotes like this are one of the reasons I like LS here so much. All of my friends do not understand how I could still love my husband after he had affair, and left fr her. but, we had 20 great years, and the only bad thing I can think about, is this affair. it makes trying to remember any other bad things to hate pretty impossible, from my side.

I would give him a second chance in a heartbeat, if he 'comes to his senses', but any time I tried to explain that to friend/relative,all they do is put me down for it. they think I should utterly, completely hate him for this one thing.

I do understand how you feel Krying, and glad to hear I am not alone, I guess.