Difficulty dealing with wife's affair

[IpAncA]

The problem is, she was broken before they even got married. She cheated on him and start out their marriage in a lie. Unfortunately she neglected to tell him all this and let him have a choice. Maybe she thought once she was married all would be OK - That she wouldn't cheat on him and that she'd grow up.

SC was left clueless - Her evenings, late nights out with girl friends, having fun. Why would he doubt her seeing as he didn't know that she was (is) capable of cheating?

 

Bottomline right now - SC needs to vent out his anger, here and in therapy so he can atleast get to a point where he can make a decision to fix the marriage, encourage HER to go to individual counselling and together do MC. Or divorce. He's in limbo right now and telling him to "get over it" or "it's been 6 months, you ought to stop being angry, forgive her and loosen up" is NOT going to help. It just makes him feel attacked and his feelings unvalidated, when infact he has every right to feel the way he does.

 

What has she done to try to redeem herself in his eyes? Has she been a complete open book? Has she admitted her mistakes, taken responsibility for her actions? Does she want to be a better wife, a more stable mother, instead of partying it up dancing in some club? And I'm not saying she has no right to a life, but she does have to act responsible and like a married person.

 

I agree and IMO we can sit here and give what we think "could" have been going through this women's head, but only she knows why she cheated and why she married him and entered it with a lie.

[mrmaximum]

But she still cheated during the marriage.

 

What Sup, SC, and I are trying to tell you is that all women aren't victims!! I have been a broken record on this thread telling people this and some just don't seem to get it. Do I think most women cheat because they want to get some strange while they have a loving hubby at home? We all know the stats on that, certainly not. HOWEVER, there is the small percentage of women who are louses and will take advantage. I remember reading about women's infidliety on ivillage.com about two years ago and they had a study on five women on why they cheated. Like we all know, three of them cheated because hubby wasn't taking care of them (not excusing this, just letting you guys know) one cheated because the novlety wore thin (that was her third marriage), and the last one cheated because she liked younger men. That's what I mean, they do exist!! Is it so difficult to think that this woman was selfish and that SC couldn't do a thing about it? To me it's crystal, THAT'S why SC was so pissed, BECAUSE he did everything he could and it STILL wasn't enough to keep his wife from treating their marriage and relationship the way some people treat their cars (I know I already have a car, but sure, I'll take a test drive, that car looks awesome!!)

 

That's all we're trying to say, guys do it, some women do it too.

[Woggle]

What Sup, SC, and I are trying to tell you is that all women aren't victims!! I have been a broken record on this thread telling people this and some just don't seem to get it. Do I think most women cheat because they want to get some strange while they have a loving hubby at home? We all know the stats on that, certainly not. HOWEVER, there is the small percentage of women who are louses and will take advantage. I remember reading about women's infidliety on ivillage.com about two years ago and they had a study on five women on why they cheated. Like we all know, three of them cheated because hubby wasn't taking care of them (not excusing this, just letting you guys know) one cheated because the novlety wore thin (that was her third marriage), and the last one cheated because she liked younger men. That's what I mean, they do exist!! Is it so difficult to think that this woman was selfish and that SC couldn't do a thing about it? To me it's crystal, THAT'S why SC was so pissed, BECAUSE he did everything he could and it STILL wasn't enough to keep his wife from treating their marriage and relationship the way some people treat their cars (I know I already have a car, but sure, I'll take a test drive, that car looks awesome!!)

 

That's all we're trying to say, guys do it, some women do it too.

 

Exactly. I get so sick of this mentality that women are always the victim and men are always in the wrong. It's disgusting. This is why I feel so sour towards women times because this mentality is so prevelant.

[Salicious Crumb]

True but the most important ones should be. Do you know what her's are?

 

I'm not a mind reader. And as far as asking her things...sure I asked her things regarding her likes, dislikes...asking her what she likes in bed...sure I have asked...never got an answer.

 

Besides...one can ask those questions, a relationship can be great and someone will still cheat because they like the thrill of it.

 

I don't believe someone should have to kill themselves to stave off cheating from their partner...there is a thing called love...or at least i use to believe there was, that should tell a partner, "i won't cheat, I love him/her".

 

Like I said...I had alot of needs that didn't get met by her. One of my needs is to have sex more than once a week...believe me I tried. But I didn't get that. But I didn't go out and cheat.

 

Some people just have a better understanding of what it means to be committed.

 

I still do think that there were troubles to begin with. You can't tell me that everything was fine and that you had a healthy relationship. If that were true then we wouldn't be talking about this now would we?

 

Sure...cuz like I said..some people like to cheat because its new or they are flattered by someone different showing them attention.

 

And if things were so troubled...I sure as hell didn't know it.

 

Its still not justification for cheating. She should have broken up with me.

but she didn't..she claims she loves me, and lied at the alter and pissed on our marriage vows.

 

[quot]BTW how long have you been married?

 

8 years.

[Salicious Crumb]

It STILL sounds like people are trying to blame you SC, by saying that YOU weren't doing enough, I think that's BULLCRAP!!!!!

 

I know it...I know it...there is only so much one person can do. its like we are being told that we have to bust our asses...not because we love our partners, but so as to keep them from cheating....if that is the case...what the hell is the point?

 

You're not at fault at all. I think your wife, if you don't mind me saying this, just wanted to go out and find a good screw with someone else, IMO, and still get married, then she wanted to cover it up, thus putting you this in this situation.

 

I think you are correct. I have said it before...some cheaters just like the "newness" of doing it with someone else and has nothing to do with the relationship....with the exception of they are not fit for a long term relationship if they simply just get bored because its the same person and they want a new face.

[Salicious Crumb]

Not really to speak for anyone else, but IMO, I don't think that most people are saying this at all. I'm the first to agree with SC's basic premise: there is NEVER an excuse for cheating. I've said it in multiple places on these boards, and I've never wavered on that point. Do I think SC is to blame for his wife's cheating?

 

NO. No no no! Cheating is a CHOICE that his wife made. That's all on her. I agree with that 100%.

 

But look: that doesn't mean his marriage was fabulous aside from that. It doesn't necessarily mean he was a model husband, as he says, or that he couldn't have paid closer attention to her needs.

 

 

Once again..she didn't meet all of my needs and a few important ones...but why didn't I cheat? Just because ALL of my needs aren't met doesn't mean I'm not happy. Committment just doesn't mean much to some people.

 

 

I think the purpose of the thread is to try to help him and focus on how he can move forward from this to a healthier ultimate relationship - which may or may not be with her.

 

IMO.

 

If I kick her out, get a divorce and move on...it will NOT be with anyone else. I might date here and there, and that is a real iffy "might"...but regardless...a committment is something I won't ever make again. I have said it before...that is crap I do not need and will not put myself in this position again.

[Salicious Crumb]

Exactly. I get so sick of this mentality that women are always the victim and men are always in the wrong. It's disgusting. This is why I feel so sour towards women times because this mentality is so prevelant.

 

Well, I am not going to make this into a men vs. women thing...but I do notice that whenever a man cheats, nobody starts talking about his "needs" that are going unmet....automatically he is a bastard and the wife was probably just fine....the husband was just a selfish dickhead.

[Mz. Pixie]

Well, I am not going to make this into a men vs. women thing...but I do notice that whenever a man cheats, nobody starts talking about his "needs" that are going unmet....automatically he is a bastard and the wife was probably just fine....the husband was just a selfish dickhead.

 

You're wrong on this account SC- I have said time and time again that women just do not get how important a man's sexual needs are. And, that not fufillling those needs leads their husbands to be vulnerable to an affair.

[Ripples]

Yeah, I've said (if not outright ) that I could understand why my SO went with other women and that I needed to address my own issues. Infact I went straight into therapy to do just that.

[VinaAmez]

Besides...one can ask those questions, a relationship can be great and someone will still cheat because they like the thrill of it.

 

I don't believe someone should have to kill themselves to stave off cheating from their partner...there is a thing called love...or at least i use to believe there was, that should tell a partner, "i won't cheat, I love him/her".

 

I agree and yes there is a think called love. You'd think that would mean something but I guess not to some people.

 

Like I said...I had alot of needs that didn't get met by her. One of my needs is to have sex more than once a week...believe me I tried. But I didn't get that. But I didn't go out and cheat.

 

Since you didn't have your needs met and tried to get them and she didn't listen, IMO she just didn't care.

 

And if things were so troubled...I sure as hell didn't know it.

 

Its still not justification for cheating. She should have broken up with me.

but she didn't..she claims she loves me, and lied at the alter and pissed on our marriage vows.

 

No it's not. IMO there is no justification/excuse for cheating. There's a better way then to cheat but for some reason people still do it anyways.

 

I'm sorry but the fact that she married you like that even pisses me off and I don't even know you guys. Makes me want to ask her what the heck was she thinking and yes she should have broken up with you. And to make it worse, that person that knew SHOULD have said something. I think I would be more upset with that person then your W at the moment because it could have been prevented and that person let it go on for almost 8 years.

 

I mean WTF is wrong with people.

 

What Sup, SC, and I are trying to tell you is that all women aren't victims!!

 

That's not what I meant. I know their not. His W was like this before they married.

 

I was talking about Sup's post. I would have agreed with that but she went ahead and continued to do it during the marriage and entered it with a lie. I was adding to it. Sorry if it was read wrong.

[serial muse]

Well, I am not going to make this into a men vs. women thing...but I do notice that whenever a man cheats, nobody starts talking about his "needs" that are going unmet....automatically he is a bastard and the wife was probably just fine....the husband was just a selfish dickhead.

 

Okay, posts like this drive me crazy, because they are of the "I am extrapolating my personal situation to define the entire world" brand.

 

SC, I know that you are currently consumed with your own issues, and therefore quite naturally spend most of your time posting about it in one way or another, or in one forum or another. That's perfectly natural - but it's also important for you to realize that as a result of that pattern of posting, you are NATURALLY going to receive a bunch of posts that refer to YOUR situation. And it's giving you a complex. People are talking to you about you and saying things you don't like (whether they're right or not), but that just does not mean that everyone is piling on men as not meeting women's needs, or that they haven't done the exact same thing to betrayed wives in their own threads. You just aren't reading their threads. If you spend some time reading around the OW/OM boards, you will see UMPTEEN posts, primarily by women (yes, OW) talking about how the WIFE didn’t meet her husband’s needs and therefore left a big gaping hole for the OW to swoop in, and so she has only herself to blame.

 

My point is, your quote here is patently untrue. Because if you think I didn't hear this kind of comment (including from my now-exH) then you've got another think coming. ALL betrayed spouses face this question, one way or another, and have to come to terms with it in their own way. They all run up against this inner monologue: "I wasn't perfect either. I didn't cheat, and I didn't make him/her cheat. Perhaps I don't want him/her back, either, if that's how s/he deals with conflict.

 

But I could still look at myself, for my own personal growth, and think about where I could be better."

 

And that's the thing. Lots of people have been through what you're going through - up to and including having people (family, friends, strangers on a message board) telling you you have only yourself to blame. So don't isolate yourself by alienating everyone - especially not those who have expressed some empathy. Instead, it might be worthwhile to accept that there is some universality to this situation, and that many people who are commenting on your thread might actually have something valuable to contribute - including ideas that you don't otherwise want to think about - because they've been through it themselves.

[RecordProducer]

As a former BS -- I got over it. I went to counselling. Did it still hurt after six months??? Hell yes.... but I was on my way to recovery with the assistance of a wonderful therapist, something SC won't even consider. Therapy is a wonderful tool for those who have been hurt in the "worst way".

I always think of this when I think about afairs: somebody hurts you so badly, that you experience a nervous break-down and can't recover for a year. You eventually do, but how does all that stress affect your health?

 

If you could choose between a stranger beating you up in the street and you ending up in a hospital for a month and infidelity by your husband, which one would you choose? I personally am not sure, but I know I wouldn't get over the beatings and would never forgive the stranger. So why forgive someone you're supposed to love? I kow that nothing is black or white, but from MY viewpoint, I would see everything black.

[silktricks]

I always think of this when I think about afairs: somebody hurts you so badly, that you experience a nervous break-down and can't recover for a year. You eventually do, but how does all that stress affect your health?

 

If you could choose between a stranger beating you up in the street and you ending up in a hospital for a month and infidelity by your husband, which one would you choose? I personally am not sure, but I know I wouldn't get over the beatings and would never forgive the stranger. So why forgive someone you're supposed to love? I kow that nothing is black or white, but from MY viewpoint, I would see everything black.

 

Hands down, I'd choose getting best up by the stranger.

[silktricks]

Well, I am not going to make this into a men vs. women thing...but I do notice that whenever a man cheats, nobody starts talking about his "needs" that are going unmet....automatically he is a bastard and the wife was probably just fine....the husband was just a selfish dickhead.

This really isn't either fair or true, sc. Many of the women who have been cheated on have indeed stated that we can understand our part of what made our husbands unhappy. Like you, though we wanted them to make a different choice.

 

I do though think your situation is worse than most, because every bit of your marriage began with the original lie.

 

Most of is can try to regain what we had in the beginning, but you have to work off a totally different premise, and IMHO it's a more difficult one.

 

I know that what I've tried to convey is not that you should or should not have done anything differently in the past. I would simply like to encourage you to, whenpossible, begin looking toward your future.

 

You have made many hard and fast statements about what you will never do again, and that attitude is simply not healthy for you.

 

For the most part the people who are encouraging you to be honest about your feelings to your wife and the oruple who have encouraged you to forgive are not concernedabout her or about your relationship, but rather they/we are concerned about you and your health, mental and otherwise.

 

Now with that said, I will also add that IMHO women in our society have gotten into the habit of viewing themselves/ourselves as victims. There are however many women who don't and don't wish to do so. Those women also do not like seeing other women automatically jump into victim mode.

[Salicious Crumb]

For the most part the people who are encouraging you to be honest about your feelings to your wife and the oruple who have encouraged you to forgive are not concernedabout her or about your relationship, but rather they/we are concerned about you and your health, mental and otherwise.

 

Well thank you...I do appreciate that.

 

But don't worry, I'll be fine.

 

And as far as being angry here and there...its done wonders for me at the gym...I've never had a better motivator to push that bench press two reps more than I normally would, or work out an extra 20 minutes I would have never otherwise done.

[Sup]

I know it...I know it...there is only so much one person can do. its like we are being told that we have to bust our asses...not because we love our partners, but so as to keep them from cheating....if that is the case...what the hell is the point?

 

 

 

I think you are correct. I have said it before...some cheaters just like the "newness" of doing it with someone else and has nothing to do with the relationship....with the exception of they are not fit for a long term relationship if they simply just get bored because its the same person and they want a new face.

 

 

That may be the reason why she cheated. I asked in another post of mine, if you're sure your children are yours, I hope they are, If you don't mind me asking, do you think they are, any proof? If one, or both are not, if you contact a Lawyer you may be able to find out what the laws are there, and go for fraud, "if" you Divorce. That may stave off child support payments.

[Salicious Crumb]

That may be the reason why she cheated. I asked in another post of mine, if you're sure your children are yours, I hope they are, If you don't mind me asking, do you think they are, any proof? If one, or both are not, if you contact a Lawyer you may be able to find out what the laws are there, and go for fraud, "if" you Divorce. That may stave off child support payments.

 

Not that it is the best indicator, but they look exactly like me, and I don't think she was cheating then.

[Guest]

SC, I think you are a very brave man, and this coming out could be helping.

 

I agree wholeheartedly with what you are saying and even thought/think along similar lines.

 

Why are there so many OW/ws on your thread I do not know. >.>

[Guest]

You're welcome. Everyone is afflicted with a sense of self far more glorified than in reality That's the human way of being.

 

But seriously, you have a point: SC needs to realize that he is as much responsible for the infidelity as she is in a certain sense.

 

 

In what sense is SC responsible? If no one is perfect, then how can his W use the excuse that he was not meeting her needs when no one needs are completely met b/c everyone's not perfect? I am just not the type of person that blames myself for my W's affair. Call me what you want but it will not be done. (Emphasis on the period.) I still agree w/ SC and Woggle whole-heartedly.

 

 

I too am waiting for a good excuse to head into MC.

[Greggie]

I don't believe that. Cheating is a composite result of many things that came together to create what we commonly call as perfect 'opportunity'. Maybe the quality of your marital intimacy is not too good and somebody came around at a time when you were mulling about it. One day, when you and your spouse had a fight, you made a decision to try this option. If you moral foundation is weak, this opportunity will be taken. It does not have to be marital intimacy that is at question all the time. It could be your domestic compatibility or lack of, or emotional incompatibility. There's always something. Infidelity is a sign of a dysfunctional marriage. It is an attempt to find a solution outside of the confines of marriage. Communication is a large fact.