Author Salicious Crumb Posted February 22, 2007 Author Share Posted February 22, 2007 Better to take a survivor's stance and attempt to gain control of your life and your emotions. For your own mental health, try not to take control over her life because she's an adult and should bear up to her own responsibilities and also will probably lash back at the restrictions.. The only thing she knows I will not tolerate is her going out with her friends to clubs and coming home at 3 and 4am in the morning. If that is more important to her than her family...then she will have shown me that she hasn't changed and doesn't deserve a 2nd chance. Link to post Share on other sites
pricillia Posted February 22, 2007 Share Posted February 22, 2007 Like what? a communication problem between the two of you, or something that your wife has an issue with, either within herself or you as a couple... Like I said knowing that someone is sick does not mean that is all you need to know to get better.. Marriage Counseling is like doing the research in reguards to your relationship... Are you afriad that you may split over it? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Salicious Crumb Posted February 22, 2007 Author Share Posted February 22, 2007 a communication problem between the two of you, or something that your wife has an issue with, either within herself or you as a couple... Like I said knowing that someone is sick does not mean that is all you need to know to get better.. Marriage Counseling is like doing the research in reguards to your relationship... Are you afriad that you may split over it? We may split over it...but I'm not afraid of the idea. And why would her being "sick"(which would be total BS) make me feel better about her spreading her legs for another guy? Link to post Share on other sites
Audero Posted February 22, 2007 Share Posted February 22, 2007 We may split over it...but I'm not afraid of the idea. And why would her being "sick"(which would be total BS) make me feel better about her spreading her legs for another guy? Question. Do you think your marriage was "fine/good/happy" until she cheated? If you answer "no", then what part of it was your fault? NOT the cheating - that was all her doing. But what was your role in the unhappy marriage? Link to post Share on other sites
Woggle Posted February 22, 2007 Share Posted February 22, 2007 Why are people telling SC to get over it? Women carry around resentment for years over small things but he doesn't have the right to feel over being btrayed by the woman that promised to love him? He has every right to feel the way he does. Link to post Share on other sites
Impudent Oyster Posted February 22, 2007 Share Posted February 22, 2007 I agree Woggle, this is his WIFE and the mother of his children, it's going to take years to get over the betrayal! We're not talking about an affair here, these people shared a lot more than some stolen moments and secret rendevous with their affair partners, they shared a life. Link to post Share on other sites
sadbuttrue Posted February 22, 2007 Share Posted February 22, 2007 i dont think anyone is telling sc to get over it, but maybe to let go of some of the hate. it will be hard to work on his marriage with all of that hate hanging over their heads. it is totally understandable to be angry, but if he cant get rid of some of the hate, then maybe he should reconsider staying in that kind of marriage. Link to post Share on other sites
Woggle Posted February 22, 2007 Share Posted February 22, 2007 i dont think anyone is telling sc to get over it, but maybe to let go of some of the hate. it will be hard to work on his marriage with all of that hate hanging over their heads. it is totally understandable to be angry, but if he cant get rid of some of the hate, then maybe he should reconsider staying in that kind of marriage. I would have divorce her on the spot and he should leave her. Once cheating occurs a marriage damaged beyond repair. Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted February 22, 2007 Share Posted February 22, 2007 I would have divorce her on the spot and he should leave her. Once cheating occurs a marriage damaged beyond repair. While his way isn't the route that I've taken for different reasons, it appears to be what he wants to do. It's an uphill battle but some people, primarily people with kids but also people who strongly believe in their wedding vows, want to take up the challenge and make it work out. Factually speaking, there are marriages that have survived. Link to post Share on other sites
Woggle Posted February 22, 2007 Share Posted February 22, 2007 While his way isn't the route that I've taken for different reasons, it appears to be what he wants to do. It's an uphill battle but some people, primarily people with kids but also people who strongly believe in their wedding vows, want to take up the challenge and make it work out. Factually speaking, there are marriages that have survived. Marriages survive cheating but they are taped back together with duct tape and glue. There are nowhere close to the condition they were in at the start. To me a marriage that damaged is not worth it. I would rather be single. Link to post Share on other sites
Impudent Oyster Posted February 22, 2007 Share Posted February 22, 2007 I would have divorce her on the spot and he should leave her. Once cheating occurs a marriage damaged beyond repair. I wholeheartedly DISAGREE. Do you have any idea of how many marriages survive infidelity? Millions and millions. All marriages have problems, the strong ones survive if both partners are willing to do the work to repair them. How can a person be so willing to walk away from a marriage? No wonder the divorce rate is so high, no one said it was going to be easy, sheesh! Link to post Share on other sites
Woggle Posted February 22, 2007 Share Posted February 22, 2007 I wholeheartedly DISAGREE. Do you have any idea of how many marriages survive infidelity? Millions and millions. All marriages have problems, the strong ones survive if both partners are willing to do the work to repair them. How can a person be so willing to walk away from a marriage? No wonder the divorce rate is so high, no one said it was going to be easy, sheesh! Marriages survive but they never are the same. If my wife ever cheated I would throw her out on the streets. Link to post Share on other sites
Crazy Eddie Posted February 22, 2007 Share Posted February 22, 2007 Marriages survive but they never are the same. If my wife ever cheated I would throw her out on the streets. I don't think I would. If her behavior toward me also drastically changed long-term making it impossible for me to be happy with her, then discovering her infidelity would be a wonderful excuse to throw her out. Otherwise, I wouldn't want to give her up even if she was enjoying someone else on the side. Link to post Share on other sites
frannie Posted February 22, 2007 Share Posted February 22, 2007 Why are people telling SC to get over it? Women carry around resentment for years over small things but he doesn't have the right to feel over being btrayed by the woman that promised to love him? He has every right to feel the way he does. I don't think anyone is telling SC he doesn't have a right to feel the way he does! People are trying to help because from what he's posted on the OW forum it seems like he's stuck in the feeling of bitterness and not dealing with those feelings with his wife, but burying them inside while he's at home. Link to post Share on other sites
serial muse Posted February 22, 2007 Share Posted February 22, 2007 I agree that SC sounds very angry - and I hope you'll reconsider going to counseling, SC - whether with your wife or individually, to work through these emotions. Despite what you may have heard or think, it's not all about blame-the-BS, and I am speaking from my own personal experience. Regardless, while I do hope he can get past this phase, one way or another, and I know nobody enjoys being berated in the meantime - I just want to point out that 6 months is NOTHING in the grand scheme of getting over this level of betrayal. It takes years. Link to post Share on other sites
Audero Posted February 22, 2007 Share Posted February 22, 2007 I, for one, wasn't telling him to get over it. On the contrary, I was asking what part he played in the marriage reaching the level where she felt she needed to cheat to get her needs met. No, I am not blaming SC for her cheating. I am just pointing out that the marriage couldn't have been perfectly fine, and she one day decides to go screw someone else. There was obviously something lacking in the marriage, or it would not have reached that point. He has every right to be mad, hurt and upset by her betrayal. But if he plans to stick this out, and try to make the marriage work, at some point he needs to look beyond his anger towards her, and examine himself a bit. To see if there are things he can work on, within himself, to make the marriage better. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Salicious Crumb Posted February 25, 2007 Author Share Posted February 25, 2007 Question. Do you think your marriage was "fine/good/happy" until she cheated? Good and happy...if it wasn't, then she sure pretended well. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Salicious Crumb Posted February 26, 2007 Author Share Posted February 26, 2007 I honestly can say though, that I really didn't love him, and I would never ever cheat again. Yes you will...if you did it once you can do it again. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Salicious Crumb Posted February 26, 2007 Author Share Posted February 26, 2007 ok...are you proud of this? .. Yes...she is. Link to post Share on other sites
movinon05 Posted February 27, 2007 Share Posted February 27, 2007 Yes you will...if you did it once you can do it again. This is not true, SC. Some of us have learned the error of our ways. We made the mistake, paid the price, now know the signs, and would never put ourselves or anyone else is that position again. Link to post Share on other sites
Freedom Now Posted February 27, 2007 Share Posted February 27, 2007 This is not true, SC. Some of us have learned the error of our ways. We made the mistake, paid the price, now know the signs, and would never put ourselves or anyone else is that position again. Ditto on this. I agree with you movinon.. Link to post Share on other sites
movinon05 Posted February 27, 2007 Share Posted February 27, 2007 Well I think SC is dealing with his own experience and hurt. That's understandable. My hope, naive as it may be, is that SC learns that the world and everything in it, is not just black and white. Link to post Share on other sites
Woggle Posted February 27, 2007 Share Posted February 27, 2007 Some do but people usually do not change unless they do some serious soul searching. Most people keep repeating the same patters so if she did it once she probably will do it again and if she did it to another man she will probably do it to you. Past actions are a good indicator of what future actions will be. That is why I say it is best to just dump a cheater because it will most likely happen again. Link to post Share on other sites
Izzar Posted February 27, 2007 Share Posted February 27, 2007 SC, Are you saying that your wife WILL cheat again? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Salicious Crumb Posted February 27, 2007 Author Share Posted February 27, 2007 SC, Are you saying that your wife WILL cheat again? Who knows...I wouldn't put it past her if she ever thinks I wouldn't find out. All I know is I will never completely trust her again and will forever be on my guard. I won't be played for a fool again, that is for sure. Link to post Share on other sites
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