Whats the deal with the ex-wife?

[amy98ta]

I am in desperate need of some advice. I have been seeing this guy since october and the relationship has grown to the point of almost being engaged. He was in the process of divorcing his wife and the divorce was final as of yesterday. He tells me that for the past year and a half his now ex was been pushing him away and telling him to move on she doesn't want him. They had been married for 16 years and have 3 kids which are currently teenagers. So him and I have been seeing each other since october and things are going great until she sees us together. Now all of a sudden she says that she wants him back and seeing us together brought up some feelings she didn't think she had for him. blah blah blah

 

Anyway, of course this puts him in a bad spot cause he was not the one that completely wanted the divorce. He tells me that he still has feelings for her and he's not sure if they are real or not.

 

So is this jealousy on her part? He has decided that he doesn't want contact with either of us for a while and just proceed as friends for a while and then start dating. This is messing with my head big time and I'm not sure what to do.

 

HELP!!!

[VinaAmez]

I am in desperate need of some advice. I have been seeing this guy since october and the relationship has grown to the point of almost being engaged. He was in the process of divorcing his wife and the divorce was final as of yesterday. He tells me that for the past year and a half his now ex was been pushing him away and telling him to move on she doesn't want him. They had been married for 16 years and have 3 kids which are currently teenagers. So him and I have been seeing each other since october and things are going great until she sees us together. Now all of a sudden she says that she wants him back and seeing us together brought up some feelings she didn't think she had for him. blah blah blah

 

Anyway, of course this puts him in a bad spot cause he was not the one that completely wanted the divorce. He tells me that he still has feelings for her and he's not sure if they are real or not.

 

So is this jealousy on her part? He has decided that he doesn't want contact with either of us for a while and just proceed as friends for a while and then start dating. This is messing with my head big time and I'm not sure what to do.

 

HELP!!!

 

Sounds to me like SHE'S jealous and doesn't like the idea of him being with someone. She's probably not and is mad because he is before she is.

 

If he needs space I would give it to him. Doesn't sound like he's over her yet and since she said all that stuff it's making him think twice about it. Probably confused as to why she went thru with the divorce and then said what she said.

 

Why did they get a divorce?

 

You can either let this play out or start looking for someone else.

 

This girl sounds like trouble.

[stace79]

Yes, it is probably just jealousy on her part. However, I can tell you this will not end well for you. I met a guy almost a year ago who was still sort of in limbo with his ex of four years. She consistently told him she didn't want a commitment with him for a year and a half, right up until she found out that he and I were getting serious.

 

When she found out about me last September, she started telling him how she loved him and never knew what she had 'til it was gone. This continued through December, when she said it was just too painful to keep talking to him because of me, and so he told me he needed to take a break to figure out his feelings. We have never gotten back together.

 

I am currently attempting to have no contact with him because I just don't think he will ever be over her, and it sounds like your situation may be similar. Please don't let him jerk you around and use you as a distraction or a tool to make his ex jealous. Be good to yourself and if you can't handle it, get out as quickly as possible.

[VinaAmez]

Yeah if that was me, I would think about letting him go and moving on. But that's just me.

 

Doesn't sound like this will be nice and smooth.

[nicki]

This has happened to all of us.

 

If there is a bright side, it's that he can now deal with ALL of his feelings and be with you 100% if that's the right thing for him -- and you, of course.

 

I would view it as a blessing. The whole ex situation forces him to deal with his feelings. It doesn't matter what she does. It matters what he feels and does.

 

Even if she hadn't come knocking, he obviously had unresolved feelings that would have popped up at some time in the future....maybe even AFTER you two married. So, in a way, it's good that it's now. He will only be yours if there are no romantic ghosts haunting his heart.

 

Divorce and breaking up in general can hurt a guy so much that he is unable or unwilling to deal with the emotions until much LATER, often when he is with someone else. It's not fair, but it happens....

 

And, as you know, it is much harder if the guy was the dumpee. His crushed ego can be confused with lingering romantic feelings for the ex....

 

It's up to him to sort it all out. It may still work out for you two. Or he may decide to give it another go with the ex....(I doubt very much it could work out for them, but at least you wouldn't be with a guy who is pining away for his ex...been there, done that myself!)

 

So, tell him you appreciate his honesty. Tell him you agree. Take a step back. If you want to stay in contact, fine. If not, fine....but, don't sleep with him or act like his girlfriend until he commits to you.

 

In fact, I think you should date other guys and do whatever you have to do to distance yourself emotionally. I'm not saying get involved with someone else, rather, just go out and keep busy with friends and new friends, too.

 

Time will tell if he comes back. At least he is honest and you can probably expect honesty from him in the future.

 

Hugs to you. However it works out will be okay, and will be the right thing for you. Have faith that there is a plan for you that you might not understand fully yet.

[amy98ta]

I am having an inner battle with myself! My brain tells me to run but my heart won't let me. For some reason I cannot let go of him. I dunno what to do. As hard as it will be for me I think distance is the only thing that won't drive me insane!

[amy98ta]

I did mention the fact to him that I was glad it happened now rather than when we were married. He did say that by then it would be too late but I doubt it.

 

So it sounds like I am going to be the loser in the situation no matter what I do.

[whichwayisup]

They had been married for 16 years and have 3 kids

 

He still loves her and isn't sure anymore of what he wants. I don't mean this harshly, but they have a long history together, they have children, family, inlaws, extended family, a house, a life built together....And children...I'll say that again. Doesn't matter if they're teens now, the fact is, those 3 kids is what will always keep their bond on some level.

 

Don't know how you would compete with that, especially if he is confused and not ready to end his marriage...

 

Make the decision for yourself, end it because I think you're right, the writing is on the wall, you're gonna be hurt by him.

[amy98ta]

I know you are so right. I can't compete with history and kids. I guess that only leaves me with one option.

[whichwayisup]

Even if he leaves her, you don't want him to rush to you so quickly. That's a rebound thing. People need time between relationships to be alone, sort out feelings etc...

 

I know you love him, but until he sees what happens with his wife and marriage, there isn't any point in sticking around waiting for him.

[amy98ta]

Even if he leaves her, you don't want him to rush to you so quickly. That's a rebound thing. People need time between relationships to be alone, sort out feelings etc...

 

I know you love him, but until he sees what happens with his wife and marriage, there isn't any point in sticking around waiting for him.

 

 

I hate to say it but you are sooooo right. However, they have been seperated for a year and a half. I do think that once she realizes I am no longer in the picture she will kick him to the curb. I'm not sure if I even want to stick around any more. If he truly cared about me he would have turned his back on her and stuck with me. Oh well!

 

Thanks for the advice!

[BlueEyedSarah]

He has been married to her for a long time, like someone else in this thread has mentioned they have a history together, you cannot compete with that.

 

It also sounds as though he is not over he's ex wife so this will end badly for you, sorry to say.

 

Don't wait around for him, have no contact with him if it will help you to heal your heart.

[amy98ta]

He has been married to her for a long time, like someone else in this thread has mentioned they have a history together, you cannot compete with that.

 

It also sounds as though he is not over he's ex wife so this will end badly for you, sorry to say.

 

Don't wait around for him, have no contact with him if it will help you to heal your heart.

 

That is true, I can't compete with the time they had together. The only chance I have is that the things that drove them apart continues to drive them apart. But I'm not sure if I even want him any more.

[BlueEyedSarah]

The only chance I have is that the things that drove them apart continues to drive them apart.

This is what I think he should be thinking about because they will probably still have the problems that they had for them to break up in the first place if they get back together. Then he will be crawling back to you when he realises he's mistake.

[amy98ta]

This is what I think he should be thinking about because they will probably still have the problems that they had for them to break up in the first place if they get back together. Then he will be crawling back to you when he realises he's mistake.

 

 

He did tell me that he wanted to see if anything had changed or if she would still be up to her same old crap. Most likely she hasn't changed. But I'm not sure if I will be here for him when he does come back to me. He told me he wanted to remain friends but he hasn't been there for me as a friend. What do you think? Should I take him back when and if he comes back?

[LucreziaBorgia]

1. He told me he wanted to remain friends but he hasn't been there for me as a friend.

 

2. Should I take him back when and if he comes back?

 

1. Ah, the old "friends" lie. It sounds like he wanted to let you down easy by saying he would be your friend, and then went ahead and broke it off like he was planning to anyway. I wish I had a dime for every "friendship" like this one. Basically "friendship" in this context is more just a way of letting someone down easy, and there is no real intention of being actual friends. At the very least, he is hoping you'll stay on the back burner in case things don't work out with his wife. Do you really want to be someone's backup plan? Someone's plan B? Someone's default in case what he really wants doesn't work out?

 

2. Why would you? He showed you through his choices that he would rather jump back on a sinking ship than to be with you.

[amy98ta]

1. Ah, the old "friends" lie. It sounds like he wanted to let you down easy by saying he would be your friend, and then went ahead and broke it off like he was planning to anyway. I wish I had a dime for every "friendship" like this one. Basically "friendship" in this context is more just a way of letting someone down easy, and there is no real intention of being actual friends. At the very least, he is hoping you'll stay on the back burner in case things don't work out with his wife. Do you really want to be someone's backup plan? Someone's plan B? Someone's default in case what he really wants doesn't work out?

 

2. Why would you? He showed you through his choices that he would rather jump back on a sinking ship than to be with you.

 

 

You are so right. Thanks for the insight! I had pretty much decided I wasn't going to wait around for him. In reality he really isn't worth it. It's just hard when you have fallen in love with someone and then this happens.

 

Actually about 2-3 weeks ago he pulled something similiar. He told me he needed "his space". So I tried to make myself scare so he could sort through all of this. I even tried to end it then myself. I had told him that I knew that he would go back to his family because I knew how much his kids and family meant to him. I told him I was going to make the choice easy for him and he wouldn't let me break up with him.

 

Oh well! I am moving on! Thanks for all the advice!

[BlueEyedSarah]

He did tell me that he wanted to see if anything had changed or if she would still be up to her same old crap. Most likely she hasn't changed. But I'm not sure if I will be here for him when he does come back to me. He told me he wanted to remain friends but he hasn't been there for me as a friend. What do you think? Should I take him back when and if he comes back?

The choice is up to you if you want to take him back or not.

 

In my opinion I do not think he is worth it.

 

He does this to you now and you said in another post he has kind of done it before, so what if there will be a 3rd time? You don't want to be the side dish.

 

Walk away from him, no contact, no friendship, let yourself heal.

 

Even if he does not want you to move on, don't be a puppet, do what you beleive will be best for you.

[amy98ta]

The choice is up to you if you want to take him back or not.

 

In my opinion I do not think he is worth it.

 

He does this to you now and you said in another post he has kind of done it before, so what if there will be a 3rd time? You don't want to be the side dish.

 

Walk away from him, no contact, no friendship, let yourself heal.

 

Even if he does not want you to move on, don't be a puppet, do what you beleive will be best for you.

 

Your are so right. I don't want to be with someone that will drop me at the drop of a hat when his ex calls. Thanks for your advice! It has helped me greatly!

[Guest]

if he cared enough about you he would have told her to get lost and stayed with you.This in itself should tell you how deep exactly his feelings are for her.

 

Take some advice and move on,if he has to stay away from you which I am thinking he is actually now seeing her and you don't know it,he isn't worth it.