I may have dug myself too deep

[sb129]

GetAHelmet you have been really lucky so far to NOT get flamed...esp as there are sharks out there lurking!

 

Your wife may take the decisions away from you, and inititate divorce proceedings when you tell her- but thats a consequence you need to be prepared for.

 

You have made your bed. Now you have to decide whether you are going to lie in it.

 

I thinkyou owe it to your wife to tell her- the extent of your cheating has gone well beyond stopping and trying to patch things up. And you need therapy too, prob individual as well as MC.

[Trialbyfire]

The flip side of this is if the wife is so uncaring, she may also be in other relationships. Who knows, if you tell her or not, she may not even care if you did this and want to stay in the financial comfort level she's accustomed to...

 

Btw, are you for real? You sound like a troll. Sorry if you're not but you so fit the stereotypical mould of cake-eater, including avoiding responsibility for your actions, that I'm guessing you are.

[4whatItsWorth]

It's funny cos there seems to be so much about what YOU want and what YOU deserve - what about your poor W? Doesn't she deserve a man who would never cheat on her? Sorry, but you will not have my sympathy. I think you're just living in your fantasy land where you think that your mistresses will always go "oh ah" for you. Eventually, you would reach the stage you are with your wife. All relationships have ups and downs, and for Ws usually sex goes down after marriage. I still think you're extremely selfish saying "it'd not be the same if she'd done better if she'd known this would happen" - then how the heck would she have known?! If you'd said "honey, I am going to get multiple mistresses if this goes on" you betcha she'd either tried working on it or thrown you out. Btw, she should really do the latter.

 

The only thing I feel sorry for is that you seem you would miss your children. I think you forgot the most important lesson in life - "The greatest gift a father can give to his children is to love their mother". Because "fondness" won't keep your kids happy. In fact, you're setting the worst example ever for them.

[whichwayisup]

Let's not assume all new members are trolls!!

[Romeo Must Die]

I am a betrayed wife. So this is from a wife's point of view. My husband had a three year LTA from 2003-2006. One OW. We have been married for seventeen years. I found out about it all on my own, despite his best attempts to lie to me and deceive me forever.

 

She was the quiet type (as well as your OW #1) but she was only as willing as long as she had him. However, once that was all gone, she flipped like a switch. She targeted me. Not WS. She saw me as a weak link between them and he had given her lots of ammo.

 

I did get a tell-all letter from the OW once the affair officially ended (among other things like smashed vehicles, and graffiti and trying to get my kids taken away from me for spite) The letter I got from the OW was eleven pages long, and telling me of every bad thing he ever said (or did) to me, including all his planning and schemes to leave or divorce me. It was a huge blow. And I wasnt safe, He literally put me in harms way and now I always have to look over my shoulder for the rest of my life.

 

Now, I am no expert. I dont know anything about cheating, how to cheat, or how to get out of cheating because I have never done that to my husband, but still, I am the one who is paying the ultimate price, as if I were the one who had cheated. Thats pretty funny, huh? I know exactly what it is that you are doing because it happened to me. I was on the receiving end of the pain from the affair even though I didnt get to have all the fun associated with the affair. I also had to carry around the blame FOR YEARS which was shouldered by me, to ease my husbands guilt.

 

Look helmet, the way I see it is that if you really wanted to end things, you would do it. It would be a done deal. THERE IS NO EASY WAY OUT OF THIS. You are messing with peoples lives, and I wouldn't be suprised if the same thing happened to you someday. You got yourself into this, you should be the one to take care of it. You clean it up. I think you have gottten into the habit of having others do things for you because you can't/won't do it yourself. I would even find it remarkable that even if you will come out of this unscathed, it cant ever be compared to the damage to your family. Your OW's will be devistated as well. It's a circle of pain that will come right back around to hurt you. Thats bad karma.

 

And you know, sex isnt even the issue here... which is really bad enough right...but, the emotional ILY's is shaper than any sword and will destroy your wife. Mark my words. It's taking something very precious away from her and throwing it all away for a stranger. For nothing. Worse, you dont even want it anymore. I just don't see the sense in that. Thats the part I dont get about WS's. Why do you carry on like that. What could you possibly get out of that?

 

Your conscience is speaking to you. Everything you have sworn to protect is already destroyed by your own hand. You dont deserve what you have, because you are not that guy. You will never be the straight up GOOD GUY until you earned the right to even wear his shoes. You cheated. You blew it. And as far as I am concerned, you are still a cheater. What you are doing to your family is not a nice thing. However, you could become a better person than you are now. You could END the affairs. Tomorrow is right now. Here is your big chance to do the right thing. This is where you start becoming a hero. The way I see things is that you wouldnt like it if THIS happened to you. So go get help, get counselling. Do something to become a better person.

 

Also, if you dont mind, dont try to justify your affairs. The CSI thing isnt working for me. It's an insult to my intelligence, so please, never (ever) try to rationalize your bad behavior for someone elses. It's like blaming your parents because you are a messed up person. It's not like you told her "If you dont turn off the tv and fu*ck me I will go out and fu*ck my AP." She is a CSI fan. You are a cheat. It's like comparing shoplifiting to murder. It's funny you have given her everything except for what meant the most.

 

You know, It's going to sound really LAME when you tell your family you betrayed them for an emotional kink that you have with two other women. Over a MLC - like some teenaged angst, but at this age you knew better. Your own kids will look at you like a piece of filth because what you did to their mother they will take to heart as if you did it to them. They will tell people they are intimate with that you cheated on their mother. It will effect their lives too. It's just not worth it in the end.

 

If you read about affairs, alot of the things that are said (and done) are textbook. Cut and paste. They are usually all one in the same.

 

Married love is not the same as affair love. There is a maturity and evolution like good stock... Family. Security. Trust. Fidelity. Commitment. Emotional maturity... and you have blown all of that over a fling with other women. You wont have that until you put that back into the marriage. Long term investment pays big dividends.

 

[LucreziaBorgia]

Why do you want to stay married? What is there to work on?

[4whatItsWorth]

Your own kids will look at you like a piece of filth because what you did to their mother they will take to heart as if you did it to them. They will tell people they are intimate with that you cheated on their mother. It will effect their lives too.

 

I just wanted to say, RMD put it exactly the way it is. My dad cheated on my mum - and I feel like he cheated on me too. I agree, your children will not look up to you again. And also...yes, EVERYONE will know.

 

And about the CSI thing - you do realise that is no valid reason? Please, be a good guy for once in your life and end the affairs, come clean and take the consequences like a man not a mouse.

[portableversion]

This really is the funniest post i've seen in a LONG TIME here.

 

I imagine the OP lounging around like some obese Roman emperor while the OW's and the W fan him and feed him grapes, as they repeat over and over gain "ooohh i just LOVE you cokkk, oooohhh, your are SO hot, oooohhh you are the BEST"

 

This guy is SO CLEARLY into these women as a way to get his ego constantly stroked. YUCK

 

The best thing that can happen to him is that he is OUTED is some awful way, like the crazy OW writes a terrible letter, stalks him etc. EVEN BETTER< the husband of the one night stand woman would find out and thrash him a good one.

 

Funny thing, he KNOWS the crazy OW is capable of doing some crazy stuff, but yet he persists. Must be a thrill to him somehow to skirt the edge.

[Mr. Lucky]

I don't think any of us should judge too quickly. I can also say that, 6 months after I found out about my ex W's affair (and as our divorce was moving forward), I was struck by the realization that I wished I'd never known. If my ex could have wised up and recommitted to our marriage (and kept me in the dark), I would probably have been happier than I was post-divorce with no house, family or marriage. If that outs me as an emotional coward, so be it. Helmut's wife might have the same after-the-fact reaction, so be careful what you wish for...

 

Mr. Lucky

[ridingthebulls]

WTF! Two affairs and NOW you are overwhelmed and looking to get out, huh? haha! I'm sorry, but this is ridiculous! It sounds like the crazy woman won't let you get off that easily. I have some advice in trying to get away with that, but I will refrain because I really think the wife should know imo.

 

My wife and I were getting pictures of the family made at a photo studio like we do every year. I was reeling from the irony.

 

Stories like this only remind me that no matter how perfect a marriage looks from the outside, there is always something rotting inside. In fact the more perfect it looks, probably the more strange/freaky things going on that are just being hidden from view. Are all these wives just blind dopes or what? To be that unaware of such problems in a marriage to cause an affair is beyond me.... I guess they are just in denial.

[outofdarkness]

WTF! Two affairs and NOW you are overwhelmed and looking to get out, huh? haha! I'm sorry, but this is ridiculous! It sounds like the crazy woman won't let you get off that easily. I have some advice in trying to get away with that, but I will refrain because I really think the wife should know imo.

 

My wife and I were getting pictures of the family made at a photo studio like we do every year. I was reeling from the irony.

 

Stories like this only remind me that no matter how perfect a marriage looks from the outside, there is always something rotting inside. In fact the more perfect it looks, probably the more strange/freaky things going on that are just being hidden from view. Are all these wives just blind dopes or what? To be that unaware of such problems in a marriage to cause an affair is beyond me.... I guess they are just in denial.

you really don't know what goes on behind closed doors, as you said. Many times, the H is abusive towards to W and kids...and she may be afraid to speak up or reach out for help...or admit that something might be going on...

[GetAHelmet]

No, it's not like that at all. She's more assertive in that way than I am. I, like probably alot of other guys out there, usually back down on issues because it's not worth the hassle of arguing. I'm not saying this happens alot .. I'm just saying that I'd hardly be fingered as abusive by my wife.

 

I get that I'm not a nice guy in the eyes of someone who has been a betrayed spouse. I get that I'm doing something against the rules and potentially very painful to my wife and family. So no need to convince me of that.

 

I just don't really know what to do to get back to a happy marriage. Even if I manage a clean break from the mistresses .. I'll just be facing a lousy sex life and marginal shows of affection at best. I know myself well enough to know that I'll have an affair again because I'll be wanting.

 

I was just wondering if anyone else was in this boat seeing how this is the *infidelity* forum.

 

you really don't know what goes on behind closed doors, as you said. Many times, the H is abusive towards to W and kids...and she may be afraid to speak up or reach out for help...or admit that something might be going on...

[quankanne]

I just don't really know what to do to get back to a happy marriage. Even if I manage a clean break from the mistresses .. I'll just be facing a lousy sex life and marginal shows of affection at best. I know myself well enough to know that I'll have an affair again because I'll be wanting.

 

I guess the most pressing question now would be, what are you willing to invest in making your marriage what you want it to be? Letting your wife know you have been unfaithful because you weren't happy with certain aspects of your marriage? Receiving counselling and working hard to create the marriage you want? Allowing her – and yourself – an honest opportunity to make the marriage work?

 

remember, there is no such thing as mind-reading skills in a marriage; it takes open dialogue and honest communication to craft the best relationship you are able to craft. You cannot expect positive results when one of you expects the other to "know" what you want out of a marriage, rather than communicate your needs.

 

in other words, how well do you communicate to your wife that you want something deeper than mere sex when you're doing her? (the irony is that many women feel the same way in their marriages – they're just there to alleviate a need, and emotional connection gets lost somewhere.)

 

it could very well be that she's along for the ride, not really meeting your needs because she's under the assumption that you are content with how things are. Take it from a pro, sometimes you've got to pitch a hissy fit to get your spouse to open his eyes about the need for affection in a marriage, that he can't just assume that you're content with the way things are when you're really wanting something more ...

[whichwayisup]

I just don't really know what to do to get back to a happy marriage. Even if I manage a clean break from the mistresses .. I'll just be facing a lousy sex life and marginal shows of affection at best. I know myself well enough to know that I'll have an affair again because I'll be wanting.

Go to individual counselling and fix yourself. Then, take your wife to marriage counselling and TELL HER how miserable you've been in the marriage. It's up to you to tell her the truth - And maybe after some therapy you will actually consider doing so...

 

By giving up the OW and the affairs means nothing unless you plan on WORKING on the marriage to make it good again. Otherwise you might as well divorce. No point in staying in a marriage if you're that miserable and feel that you'll cheat again. That's not fair to your wife, your kids and even you.

[dcknudson]

You obviously are not happy and shouldn't stay in the marriage for the sake of the children. I thought I could last for 5 more years for my children and rethought it out and said to myself you deserve to be happy and you only have one life to live. So I got a divorce. I knew as a woman I would struggle financially and I have, for the past year and a half, but I would never go back to him. I needed more of a friend and partner someone who I had something in common with besides children. I didn't enjoy sex anymore. I was literally dead. Emotionally, I needed more depth and excitement.

Remember your wife and children don't deserve to be lied to. They are innocent. They don't deserve what you have given them. I always told myself if you at all feel like cheating then you have to get out. Because I could be the one who's being cheated on and that would feel horrible. Do you understand what I am saying?

Right now I have a wonderful boyfriend but I caught him in a lie about visiting an ex-girlfriend. I am convinced they had relations back in october when we were together. I have a thread on "ex-girlfriend lingering in the background". There is much much more to the story than I had disclosed. And basically I have told him to move out and he says he loves me and nobody else. I am struggling. =(

Hope this helps.

[outofdarkness]

No, it's not like that at all. She's more assertive in that way than I am. I, like probably alot of other guys out there, usually back down on issues because it's not worth the hassle of arguing. I'm not saying this happens alot .. I'm just saying that I'd hardly be fingered as abusive by my wife.

 

I get that I'm not a nice guy in the eyes of someone who has been a betrayed spouse. I get that I'm doing something against the rules and potentially very painful to my wife and family. So no need to convince me of that.

 

I just don't really know what to do to get back to a happy marriage. Even if I manage a clean break from the mistresses .. I'll just be facing a lousy sex life and marginal shows of affection at best. I know myself well enough to know that I'll have an affair again because I'll be wanting.

 

I was just wondering if anyone else was in this boat seeing how this is the *infidelity* forum.

I think everyone has done a good job of telling you their opinions of what they think you should do. In MY opinion, you need to first, come totally clean with your W...Don't leave anything out b/c it may resurface later and then she'll be mad all over again b/c you weren't honest. Then you have to let the mistresses not that there is to be no contact...Then, if SHE wants to stay in the M, you need to give it alot of time and spend all of your energy and time rebuilding that trust that you broke down. This takes LOTS of time, reassurance; almost constant at first, patience, and lots of marriage c, and indiv. c...I am two years out, and STILL have days, even weeks where I feel sort of hurt, paranoid and angry. I have tools now that help me cope with these feelings, and my H is usually patient and understanding, but HE still has days when he gets sick of the it and gets testy. This just fuels the fire.

 

I have said before of LS, that forgiveness is possible, but we NEVER totally forget! It will always be there...and it's so hard for the CS to put yourself in our shoes...You can't begin to feel what we feel b/c you were the one who was doing the cheating. You are NOT a bad person b/c you cheated. In fact, I believe that you are in the minority of mm who want to own up to what they did and are remorseful...This is a good sign. Unfortunately, you don't have any way of knowing what your W's reaction will be. She does need to be given the info so that she can make an informed decision about whether or not SHE wants to work on the M. She can't even begin to rebuild the M, and her life once she finds out, until she HAS the info to begin w/...So...that is your first, most difficult step...

 

Try to be positive, mabey she really loves you and wants to give it a try? She may feel that she just can't ever trust you again, or mabey at first need some time away from you to gather her thoughts and figure out what SHE wants...If you love her and really want to make your M work and keep your family together, you will respect her decision...

 

Good luck and hope I've helped some. I didn't mean to bash you about the cheating...Just trying to tell it to you like it is, so mabey, depending on your W's decision after you tell her, you have a chance of making your M work...

[4whatItsWorth]

I just don't really know what to do to get back to a happy marriage. Even if I manage a clean break from the mistresses .. I'll just be facing a lousy sex life and marginal shows of affection at best. I know myself well enough to know that I'll have an affair again because I'll be wanting.

 

To me it still sounds like you've given up before you even started. You already say "even if I make the HUGE sacrifice of getting rid of my mistresses who thinks I'm da man I'll be miserable for the rest of my life poor poor me *SOB". It's so sad that you actually said that you'll have an affair again. I really wish no women would ever want to be 0.4 miles within your distance and your wife would live "happily ever after". All this time you've been going on how miserable your marriage apparantly was - so why would you say "get back to a happy marriage" if there wasn't one to begin with? Let your wife go. She deserves so much better.

 

I have never in my life ever met such a selfish, self-centred man. Face it, no matter what we say - you won't get rid of the mistresses. You say you want - and then say you'll just get another one after a short while.

 

There is no help out there for you - not as long as you stay unfaithful, jump to conclusions and is dishonest to your wife. I bet she has no clue how bad it really was with the issue. Perhaps it is time she was shown what you're really made of?

[4whatItsWorth]

OOD said it the best.

[GetAHelmet]

I'm more than willing to invest .. if that would make a difference. I have definitely told her many times how I feel about out marriage and our sex life until, like I mentioned earlier, I suddenly felt a little stupid. She had no interest in hearing it anymore. I don't know what else to communicate. Is there some special secret way to communicate these things?

 

I guess my scepticism comes from the expectation that throwing the hissy fit you suggest may make her act loving out of fear rather than out of genuine love. I'd just as soon spare her the ordeal.

 

 

 

I guess the most pressing question now would be, what are you willing to invest in making your marriage what you want it to be? Letting your wife know you have been unfaithful because you weren't happy with certain aspects of your marriage? Receiving counselling and working hard to create the marriage you want? Allowing her – and yourself – an honest opportunity to make the marriage work?

 

remember, there is no such thing as mind-reading skills in a marriage; it takes open dialogue and honest communication to craft the best relationship you are able to craft. You cannot expect positive results when one of you expects the other to "know" what you want out of a marriage, rather than communicate your needs.

 

in other words, how well do you communicate to your wife that you want something deeper than mere sex when you're doing her? (the irony is that many women feel the same way in their marriages – they're just there to alleviate a need, and emotional connection gets lost somewhere.)

 

it could very well be that she's along for the ride, not really meeting your needs because she's under the assumption that you are content with how things are. Take it from a pro, sometimes you've got to pitch a hissy fit to get your spouse to open his eyes about the need for affection in a marriage, that he can't just assume that you're content with the way things are when you're really wanting something more ...

[GetAHelmet]

I think everyone has done a good job of telling you their opinions of what they think you should do. In MY opinion, you need to first, come totally clean with your W...Don't leave anything out b/c it may resurface later and then she'll be mad all over again b/c you weren't honest..

 

Yes they have, definitely. But the prevailing advice, although not unanimous, has been to tell my wife. I know this seems somehow like the honorable thing, but it looks to me that this knowledge would devastate her .. and for what? Plus the neighbor still lives near us with her family. I need to destroy them too?

 

I think I may be able to cut away from the mistresses without my wife ever knowing. Wouldn't that be better in the end? At least she won't be going through the anguish some you have gone through. My concern is how can I make this a marriage that is satisfying after I do all that?

[Trialbyfire]

Yes they have, definitely. But the prevailing advice, although not unanimous, has been to tell my wife. I know this seems somehow like the honorable thing, but it looks to me that this knowledge would devastate her .. and for what? Plus the neighbor still lives near us with her family. I need to destroy them too?

 

I think I may be able to cut away from the mistresses without my wife ever knowing. Wouldn't that be better in the end? At least she won't be going through the anguish some you have gone through. My concern is how can I make this a marriage that is satisfying after I do all that?

I would like to see some real honesty here. Your main reasons for not telling your wife are less than unselfish. If you were so concerned about her and your family previously, why would you have cheated?

[GetAHelmet]

I would like to see some real honesty here. Your main reasons for not telling your wife are less than unselfish. If you were so concerned about her and your family previously, why would you have cheated?

My concern for her feelings I guess were not enough to keep me from enjoying the company of someone who wanted me. But that doesn't mean I want to hurt her intentionally just for the sake of hurting her, if I can avoid it.

[Trialbyfire]

My concern for her feelings I guess were not enough to keep me from enjoying the company of someone who wanted me. But that doesn't mean I want to hurt her intentionally just for the sake of hurting her, if I can avoid it.

Telling her is actually better for her in the long run. It will hurt her but provide her the opportunity to make a decision on her own. You know that what you did and are doing are wrong, based on your marriage vows. That the two of you couldn't reconcile your intimate life, was grounds for divorce. You, on your own, made personal choices. It's time for you to allow her to make personal choices.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

The solution is simple. Divorce your wife and you will be free to date as many women as you so choose! 'Course that will take some of the fun out of it but you will no longer have to deal with "irony" of playing family, nor endure the the truth of who you are. You then can forgive yourself and you wife, whether aware or not, will be so very much better off.

[Salicious Crumb]

I should mention for the sake of completeness that in the past 4 years, I had a 2 one-night stands with a neighbor 2 doors away while I was "working from home" and her husband was at work.

 

Well honestly, you deserve to get the ever lovin' dog**** beat out of you by this husband.

 

The reality is this .. I want OUT. I want to quit both my affair partners. I'm exhausted from the lies, the timing issues, and the effort of keeping three people satisfied emotionally. I'm tired of being afraid of discovery all the time, covering my tracks and then covering them again. I long for the days when I could just leave work, go home and not worry about anything else. I can't relax anymore.

 

So the only reason you want out is your scared of being caught??...Not because you want your wife?? And no...I don't think you love her..if you did, you wouldn't have cheated so many times...let alone 1 time.

 

I'm a cheater, a vile, lying cheater who's keeping a facade, a fragile veneer of happy normalcy in front of everyone else.

 

Well at least you got that right.

 

I need a way to extricate myself of this. I don't know how. ?

 

Well...the only way to really extricate yourself of this is to break all contact with the OW and come clean with your wife.

 

But if you are just scared of being caught, I don't think telling your wife is an option in your mind.

 

As a BS whose wife is not trustworthy any longer, I cannot tell you to just divorce your wife because you don't love her because I am still married to my wife...and right now its only because of the kids. I may divorce, but that remains to be seen.

 

So I can't just outright come out and tell you that....but since you are the cheater, I'd say get a divorce from your wife...let her have custody of the kids, pay your child support and set her free. You have betrayed her in the worst way and the fact that you did and did it often tells me that you do not love her...don't say you do because if ya did, you wouldn't have stuck your dick in so many other women.

 

If all you are worried about is getting caught...then I don't know what else to tell you.

 

Oh, and sex with my wife was fairly non-existent for a long time too....but cheating never entered my mind.