I may have dug myself too deep

[Salicious Crumb]

The reality is this .. I want OUT. I want to quit both my affair partners. I'm exhausted from the lies, the timing issues, and the effort of keeping three people satisfied emotionally. I'm tired of being afraid of discovery all the time, covering my tracks and then covering them again. I long for the days when I could just leave work, go home and not worry about anything else. I can't relax anymore.

 

you sound sincere about wanting to turn over a new leaf –

 

Read that paragraph from him again...he is only concerned with getting caught and tired of trying to satisfy 3 different women at the same time.

 

Where is the "oh my god I can't believe I'm doing this to my wife"??

[sb129]

I am not sure you are sincere about turning over a new leaf if you are still paying mistresses "maintenance" visits... WTF?

 

You can't just expect your posts to solicit replies from "like minded people"... you can't ever hope to see every side of the story if you do.

[quankanne]

scroll through the earlier posts, I think someone had a link where you could get help from people in your situation

 

I guess my scepticism comes from the expectation that throwing the hissy fit you suggest may make her act loving out of fear rather than out of genuine love. I'd just as soon spare her the ordeal.

 

I get what you're saying, and why, but trying to be "nice" isn't being honest about your unhappiness – you really, really need to talk with her about your seeking affairs with women who give you what you feel you lack in your marriage. You don't necessarily need to name names, that would be staying within te boundaries of respect for her, but you really need to let her know how your problems in your marriage are affecting the both of you. Which is why I mentioned the hissies – my husband knows me well enough to get the message behind my complaining, i.e., that I feel more like his "buddy" than his woman, and I don't like that.

[GetAHelmet]

I am not sure you are sincere about turning over a new leaf if you are still paying mistresses "maintenance" visits... WTF?

 

You can't just expect your posts to solicit replies from "like minded people"... you can't ever hope to see every side of the story if you do.

Like I said before. I have no doubt I'm a bad guy. No need to convince me of that, unless that gives the betrayed a therapeutic outlet of some sort.

 

It's not that I need anyone who is like minded as a partner in crime. I need to bounce feelings and my situation with someone who knows what I'm going through. I was hoping to run into someone who may have been there and can tell me how to successfully get out of this and make things better for everyone.

 

I know the betrayed ones maybe mean well, but they identify understandibly with my wife and therefore can offer me very little advice coming from a position of experience.

[sb129]

Au contraire GAH. You do need to know some stuff from your wifes perspective. Granted there are some on you who will flame you... but most mean well.

 

And I am pretty sure that there isn't a way of getting out of this without hurting SOMEONE. Most affairs are like that.

 

And the tricky thing is- who do you choose to hurt?

[GetAHelmet]

Au contraire GAH. You do need to know some stuff from your wifes perspective. Granted there are some on you who will flame you... but most mean well.

 

And I am pretty sure that there isn't a way of getting out of this without hurting SOMEONE. Most affairs are like that.

 

And the tricky thing is- who do you choose to hurt?

No, I'm ok with breaking it off with the girlfriends .. with some trepidation maybe, but I have no issues with that. My problem is what then ..?

[sb129]

To tell or not to tell, that is the question.

 

Only you know the real answer.

Can you live with it?

 

I agree, therapy is a good idea. Personally I would have to tell, because fear of my SO finding out via another channel would eat me up. And I would have to deal with the consequences.

 

However..... youhave to be prepared for said consequences, which may not be pretty.

[Trialbyfire]

No, I'm ok with breaking it off with the girlfriends .. with some trepidation maybe, but I have no issues with that. My problem is what then ..?

Are you so empty that you are unable to define yourself? There are two choices. Be single or put 110% of your energy towards fixing a broken marriage. Of course your wife also needs to put the same amount into it too. If there isn't the additional effort on both sides, you might want to call it a day.

[Trialbyfire]

Btw, GAH, the perspective I've been giving you is obviously from the betrayed perspective. It's also from someone who's finally and completely let go of everything, including financial ruin to my ex. Point blank, I just don't care enough to continue on. It's a very liberating thought that I no longer have to either take the consequences of his actions, clean up after him, or in any way shape or form have any responsibility to/for him.

 

The only way I came to this point is that I found out. We went through hell and back a number of times but the whole thing was worthwhile because I'm now completely free. This is the place where I want to be.

 

Believe it or not, it will be easier on you if you tell her. If she finds out, look out and I mean look out.

[outofdarkness]

Most likely, I sound naive, but I just do NOT understand the preoccupation that some men have w/ sex. Yeah, I know it's very important, but it seems to me that it's not the only thing that keeps a R going. I am trying not to be critical of you, but you really don't seem serious about wanting to make your M work. I mean, since you started posting here, you spent "a couple of hours with one of your OW's just to service your needs"? I don't think you are anywhere near where you need to be as far as being willing/able to give this lifestyle up and make your M work.

 

You said you wanted a cheater's point of view. I am not a cheater, but I do know alot about it b/c my H cheated for 10 years, and I've been there every step of the way while he STILL works through it...Noone can TELL you what to do or how to do it! You need to make your decision based on your W's needs and how you think she will react..as far as HOW you tell her. Whether or not she IS told is not debatable in my opinion. It's simply cruel to keep her in the dark.

 

I will say again, that you DO seem to want out of this in some way, and this does make you in the minority, but you don't seem ready yet. If there is anything else I can do to help you take the first step, let me know. I'll be thinking of you...

[GetAHelmet]

"a couple of hours with one of your OW's just to service your needs"

 

That's not at all what I said.

[pricillia]

GetAHelmet,

 

I was just wondering if you have ever felt passion with your wife like you did/do with OW?/Or when was the last time 2yrs 3 yrs longer?

 

You said that she seems happy and content to fill her time with the kids(which is a given) and also with other things that make her happy.

 

You mentioned that she will be intimate with you but seems uninterested in pleasing you or being pleased by you because she would rather watch an episode of CSI...

 

With all of the separation going on between the two of you brings me to ask is it possible that she too is having an affair?

[GetAHelmet]

Yes, we felt the same passion some years ago. We used to be very compatible in that way.

 

Is she having an affair? I suppose anything is possible. Far be it for me to doubt it can happen ..!

 

 

GetAHelmet,

 

I was just wondering if you have ever felt passion with your wife like you did/do with OW?/Or when was the last time 2yrs 3 yrs longer?

 

You said that she seems happy and content to fill her time with the kids(which is a given) and also with other things that make her happy.

 

You mentioned that she will be intimate with you but seems uninterested in pleasing you or being pleased by you because she would rather watch an episode of CSI...

 

With all of the separation going on between the two of you brings me to ask is it possible that she too is having an affair?

[outofdarkness]

That's not at all what I said.

ok..my bad..what does a "maintenance visit mean exactly to u?".

[pricillia]

Yes, we felt the same passion some years ago. We used to be very compatible in that way.

 

Is she having an affair? I suppose anything is possible. Far be it for me to doubt it can happen ..!

 

 

What do you do, as a couple, a family to keep up the bond?

 

If you are spending time with your OW's not sure if you are still seeing both of them...and you are connecting with them on a emotional/physical level, how can you even expect to have the same with your wife?

[GetAHelmet]

ok..my bad..what does a "maintenance visit mean exactly to u?".

No problem. I wasn't very clear. It means keeping the flames of the relationship going enough without the OW getting despondent or even angry. As an OW, a person can be more sensitive to that than usual.

[pricillia]

No problem. I wasn't very clear. It means keeping the flames of the relationship going enough without the OW getting despondent or even angry. As an OW, a person can be more sensitive to that than usual.

 

 

Yes as a OW I agree a person can be more sensitive then usual and everything can be magnified.

 

You talk about your kids and not being able to do the things that you used to with them if you were to leave... how do you find time to be with them, work and spend time with your wife?

 

Also the second other woman, you said that she wants you to leave... are you inlove with her?

[outofdarkness]

No problem. I wasn't very clear. It means keeping the flames of the relationship going enough without the OW getting despondent or even angry. As an OW, a person can be more sensitive to that than usual.

oh..ok, now I understand..sorry to have jumped to the wrong conclusion...I'm still learning the lingo...

[4whatItsWorth]

Thanks - I'm checking it out now. But it seems to be mostly people who have been caught and who are trying to rebuild their marriages. Of course, who knows .. that may be me someday.

 

Um...I thought you said you WANTED to rebuild your marriage? And the step number one we keep repeating - come clean. No ifs. No buts.

[stockmos]

Hi GetAHelmet,

 

I think to find a solution to this you need to ask yourself some tough questions. You may need the help of a therapist to get to the answers.

 

Do you want to grow old with your wife? DO YOU? If the answer is no, it's better to call it quits and leave. Then you will be free to see whoever you want whenever you want.

 

If a once working relationship is broken, it may be fixed. But if it never worked in the first place, it cannot. Given that you came so far down the road together and decided to have a family, presumably it once worked well.

 

Do you envisage having a full-time relationship with either mistress? Or is it essentially just about sex? If it is the latter, there may be some cause for optimism.

 

How do YOU feel about the future? A good test is to find a quiet spot, sit and imagine how you would want your life to be if you could shape it ANY WAY (within reason!) you want. This is after all what you are striving for, isn't it? If you get to that answer, you can go about getting it.

[addicted2love]

GAH....I've been on both sides of the fence. My H has had at least 3 A's that I know of and I'm currently speculating about #4.

 

His first (and second..I lump them together because it was the same time frame) was devistating to me. Just when I thought I had gotten over it he screwed up again w/ #3. In my opinion there is no going back once the trust is broken. My H's A's changed EVERYTHING. There wasn't anything I wouldn't have done for him before the A's. I held him in such high regard. I thought he was the most handsome, intellegent, funny man I'd ever met. Now I can't even look at him.

 

As an xOW I've suffered too. Seven years after my H's 1st A I was contacted by an old flame (someone I"ve always been in love with) he is M also. He came out of the wood work and professed his undying love, blah blah blah. Said things about his W that led me to believe that he would leave her and wanted to be with me. I was ready to leave my H and move out of state to be with him. If my H hadn't cheated on me I never would have responded to him. It was an emotional A but it still hurts, infact I think it hurts worse. Anyway....my point is...there are no winners in an A. EVERYONE involved gets hurt. The W and the OW get hurt the worst I think.

 

If your original post is sincere and you truly are tired of the game then I suggest that when you break it off w/ these OW you are totaly honest about your feelings. Tell them that you can't take the stress of sneaking around anymore, that you want to try and make your marriage work and that you are VERY SORRY for leading them on. (This is something I wish my MM had had the balls to do instead of leading me on w/ the I love you bullsh*t) Let them down easy and DON"T string them along. That is the worst thing you can do to the OW. Sounds like OW #2 will go ape sh*t if you string her along...don't ignore her or her feelings or I'm sure she will cause trouble. She's going to need you to be honest and as kind as you can be...after all you've been telling her that you love her.

 

As far as your W is concerned...if you truly want to be with her and make things work then you definately need to get some individual therapy. You need to do some soul searching and figure out what is missing both within yourself and your M. I also recommend MC. If you feel like there's an emotional void in your M your wife needs to know about it. MC can help you both figure out how to make things whole again. I personaly don't recommend pulling the rug out from under her by telling her everything you've done. It will only hurt her and destroy everything she's believed in.

Finding out your spouse had an A is like being run over by a truck.

 

She can't help you fix what's wrong in the marriage unless you let her know that there is something missing/wrong. If you want the passion back in your M then you're going to have to work at it. If she doesn't want to lose you then she will be willing to do what it takes as well. But you have to let her know what you need. If she's not willing to do what it takes to give you what you need after you've expressed your feelings about it then consider a D. But only after you've tried everything and had some MC. You can't do it alone...it's not possible. It takes two to make it work. I'm sure she feels that there is something missing as well...she also needs to let you know what she needs from you in order to feel passionate toward you again.

 

I hope this helps a little.

A2L

[outofdarkness]

Hi GetAHelmet,

 

I think to find a solution to this you need to ask yourself some tough questions. You may need the help of a therapist to get to the answers.

 

Do you want to grow old with your wife? DO YOU? If the answer is no, it's better to call it quits and leave. Then you will be free to see whoever you want whenever you want.

 

If a once working relationship is broken, it may be fixed. But if it never worked in the first place, it cannot. Given that you came so far down the road together and decided to have a family, presumably it once worked well.

 

Do you envisage having a full-time relationship with either mistress? Or is it essentially just about sex? If it is the latter, there may be some cause for optimism.

 

How do YOU feel about the future? A good test is to find a quiet spot, sit and imagine how you would want your life to be if you could shape it ANY WAY (within reason!) you want. This is after all what you are striving for, isn't it? If you get to that answer, you can go about getting it.

This was a good post...I liked it because you mentioned growing old together...This is a GREAT attention getting question for the CH!

[GetAHelmet]

Yes, this does help alot. I read t and re-read it a few times. I definitely don't want my W to be hurt. I really don't. At the same time, I can't live a life devoid of even a little real emotional connection and sexual passion. I'm not expecting a perpectual honeymoon, but I guess I did expect that our married life would include us being lovers also.

 

I tried talking to her many times about it, but like I already said, nothing came of it. I gathered that she really doesn't see it all as being a big issue. It probably isn't .. for her, anyway.

 

It didn't take me long to realize that she can't make herself feel what she doesn't feel. It's one thing for me to ask her to do iron my socks (I don't aske her that, this is just a stupid example) and she can probably do it even if she gets no thrill out of it. To repay her in kind, I could make all the beds and fluff the couch pillows or something every day. It' just one of those things couples might do for each other even if they don't especially revel in the chore.

 

But with sex, that's just not an acceptable arrangement. I can't ask that she have sex with me if she sees it as a chore. First of all, I image that there would be few things as distasteful for her, and for me, I would not be able to enjoy the experience if she's doing it simply as a dreary task. I can't imagine that a MC will change that. She has to somehow feel this from within .. not force herself to act in a certain way, no matter how noble her intentions.

 

And that is the difference between my wife and my mistresses. They want me because they enjoy me. They feel genuine passion for me as I do for them. I don't love them the way I love my wife, the mother of my children. In the end I would sacrifice alot more for the well-being of my wife than I would my mistresses.

 

It's a dichotomy that is hard to resolve. I want to enjoy the passion of my mistresses but I want to enjoy the family life I have with my wife. If I quit the mistresses, I'll miss the passion and the sexual highs. If I leave my wife, I'll miss her and my daily life with the kids. If everyone could be OK with the situation as is (which I know they won't), then all my needs would be getting fulfilled. In order for everyone to be happy, I need to do without something essential.

 

 

GAH....I've been on both sides of the fence. My H has had at least 3 A's that I know of and I'm currently speculating about #4.

 

His first (and second..I lump them together because it was the same time frame) was devistating to me. Just when I thought I had gotten over it he screwed up again w/ #3. In my opinion there is no going back once the trust is broken. My H's A's changed EVERYTHING. There wasn't anything I wouldn't have done for him before the A's. I held him in such high regard. I thought he was the most handsome, intellegent, funny man I'd ever met. Now I can't even look at him.

 

As an xOW I've suffered too. Seven years after my H's 1st A I was contacted by an old flame (someone I"ve always been in love with) he is M also. He came out of the wood work and professed his undying love, blah blah blah. Said things about his W that led me to believe that he would leave her and wanted to be with me. I was ready to leave my H and move out of state to be with him. If my H hadn't cheated on me I never would have responded to him. It was an emotional A but it still hurts, infact I think it hurts worse. Anyway....my point is...there are no winners in an A. EVERYONE involved gets hurt. The W and the OW get hurt the worst I think.

 

If your original post is sincere and you truly are tired of the game then I suggest that when you break it off w/ these OW you are totaly honest about your feelings. Tell them that you can't take the stress of sneaking around anymore, that you want to try and make your marriage work and that you are VERY SORRY for leading them on. (This is something I wish my MM had had the balls to do instead of leading me on w/ the I love you bullsh*t) Let them down easy and DON"T string them along. That is the worst thing you can do to the OW. Sounds like OW #2 will go ape sh*t if you string her along...don't ignore her or her feelings or I'm sure she will cause trouble. She's going to need you to be honest and as kind as you can be...after all you've been telling her that you love her.

 

As far as your W is concerned...if you truly want to be with her and make things work then you definately need to get some individual therapy. You need to do some soul searching and figure out what is missing both within yourself and your M. I also recommend MC. If you feel like there's an emotional void in your M your wife needs to know about it. MC can help you both figure out how to make things whole again. I personaly don't recommend pulling the rug out from under her by telling her everything you've done. It will only hurt her and destroy everything she's believed in.

Finding out your spouse had an A is like being run over by a truck.

 

She can't help you fix what's wrong in the marriage unless you let her know that there is something missing/wrong. If you want the passion back in your M then you're going to have to work at it. If she doesn't want to lose you then she will be willing to do what it takes as well. But you have to let her know what you need. If she's not willing to do what it takes to give you what you need after you've expressed your feelings about it then consider a D. But only after you've tried everything and had some MC. You can't do it alone...it's not possible. It takes two to make it work. I'm sure she feels that there is something missing as well...she also needs to let you know what she needs from you in order to feel passionate toward you again.

 

I hope this helps a little.

A2L

[quankanne]

first off, you don't need anyone's permission or stamp of approval to remain in your affairs – you've heard mostly from people who are against it because they feel you ought to be working on the problems within your marriage, then terminating that relationship if you aren't getting out of it what you need from it. Or, as Dear Abby would say, Ask yourself if you're better off with or without that person ...

 

I tried talking to her many times about it, but like I already said, nothing came of it. I gathered that she really doesn't see it all as being a big issue. It probably isn't ... for her, anyway. … I can't ask that she have sex with me if she sees it as a chore. I can't imagine that a MC will change that. She has to somehow feel this from within .. not force herself to act in a certain way, no matter how noble her intentions.

 

have you tried asking her flat-out what she wants from this marriage, and telling her what you feel is negotiable and what isn't, especially as far as sex is concerned? Again, she prolly isn't aware of how important this issue is to you because you're not providing any feedback, so she thinks everything is hunky-dory in that area of your marriage. Until you effectively communicate how unhappy with your marital sex-life, she isn't going to know any better and you're going to keep on seeking out extra-marital affairs to fulfill your emotional needs, and you'll remain unhappy about the situation you're in.

 

you really need to get off the fence on this one if you hope to get what you say you want out of your relationship with your wife. If she doesn't feel as you do, it might be for the best to divorce peaceably so that you BOTH get what you want out of life – you can still keep up the type of relationship you have without lying to yourself or cheating on your wife to get what you need.

[whichwayisup]

If you had told her before you had an affair (I said this before) "I love you, but I am miserable in this marriage, we have no intimacy. And because of that, I nearly cheated on you. That is how serious I am about the problems in this marriage." IF You had given her a wake up call, a kick in the rear, a warning like that - SHE more than likely would have reacted. Maybe she would have tried harder, realizing what she could be losing...Or, maybe, she's as miserable as you, and together you two could have decided to either fix the marriage or end it.

 

The only way to save your marriage, or end it, is to tell her about your affairs. Take responsibility for your actions. If you don't and you just end your affairs, go back home to try make things good again, NOTHING is really stopping you from cheating again. No consquence - So what is to stop you once you need passion and intimacy again?

 

Atleast telling her the truth, the situation, your marriage as it now will change.