rules to dating/relationships

[frozenbutt]

Situation:

- She broke up with her boyfriend at the end of August.

- In early September she told me she broke it off with her boyfriend because she didn't want a commitment

- She's known me since last February and we started dating after the break-up and are still dating

- For us intimacy started very quickly and everything but sex has occurred.

- I see her everyday, stay over, met her parents, she's met mine, spending Thanksgiving together.

- Everything seems to be pointing to a committed relationship

- she's 19 and I'm 23.

 

This is where is gets confusing:

We haven't really talked about our relationship. Her friends call us a couple/lovers; she calls me "her man" and often refers to us as "going out". However, I'm confused about this commitment thing. She has a lot of guy friends and guys ask her out a lot. I don't mind her hanging out with her guy friends but I don't think it's right if she were dating other guys.

Recently, the commitment talk came up. She said she hasn't dated anyone else and doesn't want to because she likes only me. However, she's scared about commitment with me because she's afraid that at some point when it gets serious(marriage) she won't want to because she won't want to be committed. And so she thinks that maybe she should date now rather then later. I told her that if she didn't want to be committed later when things got serious then that's something I'll have to accept; implying I'd rather her be committed to me now and see how she feels later. The conversation shifted to something else so we didn't finish the conversation. However, I'd like to hear what you guys think about the situation.

 

Esp. regarding:

- my situation overall: defining commitment

- intimacy and dating and what's an appropriate timeline

- dating after you're in a committed relationship

- guy friends (particularly taking her out for dinner)

[clia]

- my situation overall: defining commitment

 

If you aren't committed, technically she can date or go out with whoever she wants. Look, she told you she doesn't want to be committed. She broke up with her last boyfriend for the same reason. Listen to her! BE SMART ABOUT THIS. Even if you two decide not to date other people, unless you mutually decide to pursue a committed relationship, nothing is going to change. It's not going to get more serious. She is not going to change her mind anytime soon. She will not commit to you until she is ready, which could be years from now.

 

Look at the situation long and hard, and decide whether or not it's worth your while to waste your time in this way, when you could be out meeting and dating girls who don't have commitment issues.

 

- intimacy and dating and what's an appropriate timeline

 

This is dependent on the couple. Everyone is different. Some people are intimate and committed after two weeks. For others, it takes six months or more. It just depends on the dynamics of the relationship and what both people want. When you are dealing with someone who has commitment issues, this timeline is even more out of whack, because you tend to get more pull toward/push away situations, which slow things down immensely.

 

- dating after you're in a committed relationship

 

I'm not sure what you are looking for here. Technically, if you are committed, things should start to get more serious at whatever speed is comfortable for the two of you.

 

- guy friends (particularly taking her out for dinner)

 

There's nothing wrong with having guy friends, as long as there's nothing else going on on the side. Don't get jealous about this or try to tell her what to do--you will only push her away. If it really bothers you, you should probably consider finding someone who isn't constantly spending time with her guy friends.

 

 

My opinion is that you should casually date her, but date other people as well. Don't put all your eggs in this basket, because she may not ever want a commitment with you. Don't let her drag you along for what's sure to be a bumpy ride while she figures this out. You have better things to do! Stand up for yourself, tell her if she doesn't want a commitment, then you want to be free to see other people. (For all you know, that might snap her into reality...just depends on much she doesn't want to lose you.)

[Ally Boo]

You can't have a relationship with commitment, unless both of you are willing. The fact is, it's her decision as to her wanting to get serious or not, and she's telling you no, and you need to respect that.

 

Sometimes couples get together, and it's just the wrong time. Maybe that's your case. Back up from her and respect her feelings.

[butterflyz]

it sounds like the two of you want different things. in order for a relationship to work, both need to want the same things.

 

because of her lack of commitment, she is going out with these guy friends. friends don't "take her out for dinner" unless there is an ambiguous scenario going on. it definitely sounds like she wants to play the field.

 

you need to decide whether you want to date her casually (which means no strings, no questions, etc.) or just not date her.

 

if it were me i wouldn't date her. but, i'm alot older. i'm not going to waste anyone's time with "dating". either i'm interested in you or i'm not. dating for the sake of dating is using someone.

 

but you can't make her want the same things as you. if you try to force her, you become a pain in the butt.

[butterflyz]

commitment to me means an exclusive dating relationship. you are dating to see if it leads somewhere (i.e., marriage, living together). there are no guarantees, but you are exploring all possibilities.

 

a commitment means monogamy.

 

a commitment means that you make each other a priority

 

commitment means that you are not selfish in your intentions (meaning stringing someone along for sex or companionship, with promises of a future, but it will never really happen)

[frozenbutt]

Maybe I should have clarified a little more. She broke up with her boyfriend of 4 years because it was coming to the point where she felt, "Well, do I continue this relationship with him and get married to him or do I move on." She chose to move on because she didn't want to be with him; she didn't want that type of marriage commitment. Then I came along and have done all of these things with her. I'll repeat them so you don't have to scroll up. We hang out with each other everyday. We've been very intimate. We've gone camping with each other. We've met each other's parents and are going to each other's Thanksgiving. To me these are all qualities of a committed relationship. Maybe I'm the only one who thinks this way. But it's my belief that these are some pretty universal beliefs. Perhaps I should have told her that I wouldn't do these things unless we were committed.

 

It just doesn't make any sense that her actions show a commitment but she's telling me she would rather not have one right now. So where does this leave me? If she doesn't want a commitment and would like to date other guys what is she trying to tell me?

 

To me it's saying that I'm not what she's looking for. Wouldn't you agree? I think butterflyz you've sparked what I think I feel. I don't think I could go back to casual dating, what's the point. She knows what I have to offer. Casually dating me isn't going to bring anything more to the table. Or is it?

 

I just can't comprehend a relationship that can go from day to day intimacy emotionally and physically to one that you're casually dating each other on a Friday or Saturday night again.

There is no way I'd continue the relationship the way it's going and let her date other guys on the side. If that's not the definition of being used, I don't know what is.

 

The last thing I want is my emotions to be played with. I don't want to be used like you said butterflyz.

My whole problem is the logic of this all. The whole process of this dating scenario doesn't seem right.

We have a great bond and it would only seem commitment is the next step. If she doesn't want commitment after all this with me then I'd say we can't see each other. Is that being stubborn?

 

Someone give me a spin on this. Try to make me understand from her perspective. Help me with my confused/screwed up rational.

[Ally Boo]

You need to say those exact same things to her. Ask her where that leaves you. Only she knows the answer.

[clia]

You're right, the logic of this dating scenario is wrong.

 

I went through the exact same thing--I dated a guy for eight months. We talked every day. We were intimate. I met his family. He met mine. We spent time with each other's friends. Etc.... Basically, all the stuff that you'd think is leading to or is a committed relationship.

 

And then, poof, one day he said he didn't want a commitment. I chose to walk away, even though it was very, very hard. And you know what? He didn't ever try to contact me again. That was it. Despite all the time we spent together, he didn't care one whit for me, and didn't even care to try and work things out. Point blank, he did not want a committed relationship, even though he couldn't stop telling me how wonderful I was.

 

Listen, this has zero to do with you or how great you are. It's her problem. You could be the be all and end all wonderful guy of the world and it wouldn't matter. She simply cannot or will not make a commitment right now, to you or anybody. Read the book He's Scared, She's Scared to understand the dynamics of people who don't want to or can't commit. It's very eye opening.

 

I don't think it's screwed up at all for you to want to walk away if she doesn't want a commitment. Nor is it stubborn. It's doing what is best for you under the circumstances. You will not get anything out of hoping and praying that she changes her mind, or waiting around to see if she does. All you will do is get hurt even more.