I'm lost...

[Ally Boo]

I don't really have anyone that I can talk to about this, and I figured that I'd get your opinions, bc I'm just completely lost.

 

A few weeks ago, my bf finally admitted that he had cheated on me with that 18 year old girl. Last night, he told me that she's pregnant. She's taken 2 tests, both positive, and is going to the doc this week. They are trying to figure out a way to tell their parents, and what to do, bc they aren't together anymore.

 

He told me but didn't want me to break up with him. I was in shock. I told him he didn't need to live with me anymore, and took the key off his key ring, right after he hugged me and apologized for everything he's ever done to hurt me.

 

He has another child that he hasn't seen in years, and he was crying to me, saying how afraid he was that all that was going to happen again. And he didn't know what to do. I told him that he had to be responsible, and had a lot of thinking to do, and he didn't need to worry about being in a relationship with me...he didn't need the extra stress. He said he didn't want that, and I told him I needed to think too.

 

It was so strange, bc when I said that, I said that with love in my heart...bc I knew that was what he needed, and not out of my own hurt. THATS how I know I truely love him.

 

I'm stuck, bc part of me wants to tell him how much I love him and that I'm here for him. Another part is pissed bc I was betrayed, and now there is physical proof of it, and I know I'll never be able to look at that child. I will always resent him, the child and the mother, if I were to stay around. Plus, I'll always wonder if he is feeding her bull****, just so he can keep seeing the baby. I'll never be able to be sound in our relationship again.

 

It hurts me so badly, bc all I ever wanted to do, was marry him and have kids. I adore him with all my being. He's the first guy I've TRUELY loved. And he loves me, and I think he wants to love me the way I love him, but obviously he can't.

 

I see my best friend, and we are actually friends bc our relationships with our boyfriends are so similar. I'm seeing my life being repeated like hers....she had this happen to her...only it wasn't his baby. And that still didn't wake him up, and gave her an STD. And I feel like that's the only other tragic thing left to happen.

 

I told him the same thing I tell every guy who tells me his gf or ex is pregnant. I said, some girls are evil, and they'll tell you that just to mess with your head. I said, get proof. That's when he told me that this girl isn't like that. And I kinda know this girl too, and I agree with him.

 

He told me that he doesn't love her. But while they were together, he told her that he wanted to have kids and marry her and ****, so, I mean, he did it to himself.

 

I just don't know what to do. I bagged his stuff up, and I'm getting it to him. We have a car in both of our names, and we're working on getting that taken care of. I'm just shocked, and I can't believe that this reality is reality. I mean, I honestly believed he was the one for me.....

[midori]

Oh AllyBoo I'm so sorry.

 

1. what you said & did was the right thing to do: for him, and for yourself.

 

2. there is a pattern here, you see it, he sees it. It's an enormous thing that probably has roots tapping into several different buried things in his life. He is, in a word, messed up -- and that's putting it mildly. This is not something that can be quickly resolved.

 

These things don't just happen, people have known how to prevent pregnancy for a long time, and it's easily done. My ex bf had enormous passion for me, was unable to contain himself sometimes -- but the last time we were together (basically a one-night stand) he made damn sure that we were OK on the birth-control front before we went too far. If he hadn't, I would have. My ex is enormously irresponsible when it comes to his emotional life and caring for other people's emotional well-being, but he has it together enough to know that there's no way he wants to risk adding a kid to the mix.

 

The fact that your bf somehow missed that key point is deeply alarming. One thing to betray yourself and the person you supposedly want to commit to by cheating. Another thing to bring an innocent new life onto the scene.

 

3. He's got responsibilities now, whether he wants them or not, and those responsibilities are to other people. You will unavoidably be left out in the cold on this, no matter what he says. I'll bet he would like to keep you in his life -- who the hell wouldn't want a sympathetic,loving shoulder to cry on that belongs to someone he's not responsible to in the way he is to the soon-to-be mother of his second child? His reasons for wanting to keep you in his life are probably quite self-serving.

 

4. You don't need this. No one does. No matter how strong your love for this guy is, it can't possibly be worth it. At the very least you want to be with a guy who knows how to put a #$% condom on, knows when the situation calls for it, and better yet, doesn't get himself into situations that call for it (like cheating with another woman, especially one who either through stupidity or design opts to not be careful about birth control herself).

 

I think you did the right thing. How awful, I'm so sorry. But I hope you'll be able to continue on the path you've set out on. This guy is toxic.

 

stay strong, and round up your friends for support. Keep them close at hand for the next few weeks.

 

-midori

[Ally Boo]

I keep reading mine and your posts over and over, bc I can't believe this is really happening. He's stated in his own words that he's messed up.

 

I can't believe this is happening. One minute I want to sob, the next, I want to just scream. I don't know what to say or do. He called me this morning twice. One time at 4am to tell me how he couldn't sleep bc he wasnt next to me, the other time to call and wake me up to make sure I got up for work, bc he used to always do that for me.

 

He said he was so upset bc that girl is pregnant, and he's lost me. I told him that we needed to talk. I'm supposed to talk to him today, but I honestly dont know if I can look at him.

[HokeyReligions]

and I say "Happened To You" like being struck by a car happens.

 

Midori said everything I want to say - you are doing the right thing and as much as it hurts now, it will feel great when you find a guy that won't piss on you. Sorry to be so graphic, but that is what it sounds like he did. He may very well have thought he loved you, but if he truly did love you he would never have cheated and be acting the way he is acting now.

 

Getting out now will stop enabling him and may actually help him. Someday he may realize just how much you do love him to have gone through this.

 

Unfortunately the best lessons in life, and the most profound insights and maturing we experience stem from something horribly painful. But it also helps us in the future with new relationships.

 

If I were you I would want to break off all contact for a little while - no phone calls or emails or anything at least for a few months. I find it more difficult to get closure and move on when there is still contact and emotional ties.

 

I'm not sure why you are seeing each other again now -- it seems like you said all you needed to say before. Rehasing everything is not going to change it or make the hurt go away.

 

I'm sorry Ally. I wish I could help.

[Ally Boo]

I have to see him to give him his clothes and stuff he left at my house, and also take care of the car situation.

[Debster]

When you see him. I've had to do the exchange of stuff so many times, I know how emotional it can be and how a simple hug can quickly turn into a quick roll in the hay.

 

Ally, I'm sorry this happened to you. Get this man out of your life and keep him there. He may think he loves you, but if he really knew what love is, he wouldn't have cheated on you and lied about it.

[Ally Boo]

The only good thing I can say about him, was at least he didn't hide this from me. At least he told me the truth. He could have strung me along.

 

Now I'm just pissed, and the thought of seeing him upsets my stomach.

[HokeyReligions]

I remember during a break up that was very painful for me, I had packed all his stuff (including the engagement ring) in a box and drove it over to his apartment. I left it in front of the door and rang the bell. No one answered (I didn't see his car so figured he wasn't home) and I left the box on his door step and went home.

 

A couple of days later he called me, or I called him -- I don't remember now, and I asked him about my stuff that I had left at his place. I think at some point I was trying to be strong but also a hope kept popping its head up that if he hadn't returned my stuff maybe there was still a chance. . . you know what I mean. Well, he said he had returned my stuff the same day I returned his. Lo and behold, on my patio was a box of my stuff, including the gifts I had given him. It hurt all over again.

 

I forgot that we too had a car together. Or rather, I co-signed a loan so he could get a classic car and I ended up making some of the payments when he didn't get work for a few weeks. We agreed to sell the car and he would pay me back 75% of what I had loaned him. I felt that was fair since we both used the car and now neither of us would have it. He didn't get back the full amount of what he put down either.

 

It gets better.

[butterflyz]

you tried so hard to reach him. but maybe, subconsciously, he sabatoged everything because he knew he would be forced to decide what to do about you two. he knows about condoms, he knew that he could get a woman pregnant.

 

you are probably thinking that i'm crazy for this line of thinking, but dysfunctional people do this type of thing...sabatoging.

 

now he won't have you to lean on. in a way, it's better you saw him in his true light now....than later. you can still walk away (minus a child) and know you can still have a bright future.

 

(((((((hugs)))))))))

[Ally Boo]

Well, he came and got his things, and is bringing me the car tomorrow. He basically asked me to look past the child issue. I told him I wasn't strong enough to do so. He said that he didn't love her, and loves me, and this is the worst thing that has ever happened to him, bc he is having a child with someone he doesn't love, and is losing the person that he does love.

 

He was actually kinda selfish. I would say "Do you have any idea what you are asking me to do?!?" And he would say "Do you have any idea what I am going through?!?"

 

It was rediculous. He said that he may have told her that he loved her, wanted to marry her, and have kids with her, but he came home to me, and when they broke up, he didn't try to fix it bc he loved me...and didnt want her...and now this happened. Like that was somehow supposed to make me feel better.

 

I told him that I couldn't believe he did this to me after all I've done for him, and asked him how he could love me and do this. And he just said he had no answer. He told me that this is not what he wanted and did I think he expected this to happen. And all I could say was, you didnt use a condom.

 

I told him to please tell me something that would make the pain go away, and he just said, "there's nothing I can do, it's already done."

 

When I told him I'd resent the child and him and her, he basically made me out to be a bitch, saying I was asking him to choose me over his blood. And I got very stern with him and told him that was NOT what I was saying. But that it would hurt me too much, and I couldn't get past it. Then he tried to say that he sees people go through this every day, and if I loved him, I could too.

 

I just hugged him, told him I loved him, that I'd loved him since the day I met him, and I'd always love him. He teared up, and I ran in the house crying.

 

This sucks.

[Ally Boo]

Sorry to everyone for my lack of posting about your problems, but it's hard enough for me to just write these. I'm glad I have counseling tomorrow.

[HokeyReligions]

For whatever it's worth, I think you are doing the right thing. He is not doing right by you and even if he tries to do right by you now it's for the wrong reasons. He can't be trusted and he knows it.

 

It will get better for you - just keep that focus that your whole life is not this one piece of time that seems overwhelming. You will move on to where it doesn't hurt. You've already taken some steps that way.

 

{{{{{{{{cyber hugs}}}}}}}}}

[Ally Boo]

Well, I got the car today, but not without a fight. I had a friend drop me off at his grandmother's house to go get it. When she found out she got PISSED. His mom was confused about why we broke up, etc. He says they know that the girl is pregnant, but I dont see how they could possibly know by their reactions.

 

He basically held me and sobbed and sobbed and begged me to take him back. I told him that the way he's acted the last few days, I question his character, and wonder if I really know who he is.

 

I told them that it is both of their faults that she is pregnant, and it's not my problem, and I refuse to be a part of it. I said, "My forgiveness jar is full." I think it was just an act. After I told him that he's not as broken as he THINKS he is, he got up, and was cool. He even smiled really big at me and a comment I made.

 

It was strange....

[angelwithhorns7]

Your story is just like mine. Last night a girl called and said that she was pregnant and that my boyfriend of four years is the father of her child. He denied ever even sleeping with her and was rather mean to her. I myself am 6 1/2 months pregnant with a baby boy. Today he decided to tell me that he has slept with her and that she wasn't the only he's been with since we've been together. I'm not mad. I'm hurt. I don't know what to do. It should be so easy to just walk away from someone who could do this to me. It's not. And I think being pregnant makes it even harder. I know this girl and I went to her house and talked to her last night. She said she was getting an abortion because she didn't want to interfere with my life. That really upset me. I don't want anyone to give up a child because of me. If my boyfriend screwed up it's not that baby's fault. I'm still kind of in a daze. He is so sure that this kid isn't his. I don't know why. I feel like my whole life is just ruined. It was all planned out and then this happens. I haven't had an easy pregnacy. Alot of things keep happening. My doctors have even talked about putting me on bedrest. I don't think I want to leave him but I don't trust him. I don't know if I ever will again. I feel like I have put so much into this that maybe we can get through it. I just feel empty inside. This is the only guy I've ever been with. We got together when I was 16. I'm 20 now. I'm confused and I feel like my whole world is just gone. I don't know what to do. I'm really just looking for someone to talk to. No one I know seems to understand.

[Just A Girl2]

Ally Boo,

 

I think I gathered from other posts of yours, that you're in your late twenties or early thirties..so I'm assuming your b/f is a similar age. That's absolutely skanky that he would have such little respect for you, and this virtual 'child' (the 18 yr old).....and knock her up.

 

He sounds like a pathetic loser. He's already got a child from years pass/someone else, who he has nothing to do with. Now he's helped bring another child into this world. He sounds like the biggest most immature and selfish pig there is.

 

Why are you even continuing to talk to him? and tell him you LOVE HIM? How can you really love someone who so clearly doesn't have the foggiest idea of what "love" is. Love is about being responsible...love is about being faithful...love is about treating women with respect....love is about keeping your penis in your pants.

 

If any man did this to our relationship, I'd have thrown his crap out onto the doorstep, changed the locks, changed my phone number and told him to stay the hell away from me.

 

I gather from your posts here that you're verging on taking him back...forgiving him. Get a grip! The man is a dog. Think of this poor 18 yr old (did she even know that he had a girlfriend/you?) who's life is now all messed up.....she's pregnant by a dog who told her lies (wanting to marry her, loving her), and who cheated on you. Now she's forever connected to him, due to their child.

 

Have some self respect......put this loser out of your life and fast. He made his bed, now he has to lie in it. I don't understand why women allow themselves to be treated (and mistreated) like doormats, all "for love."

 

Men like him should be castrated...for going around impregnating women and not thinking about the possible ramifications (bringing a child into the world, hurting women, screwing up lives).

 

If someone I dated got into this situation, I can tell that my love for them would change in an instant........because at the bottom of love is "respect"..and I simply could not respect a pig who cheats on me, knocks up a teenager, breaks hearts so callously.

 

You need to wake up and get some self esteem and tell this guy to p*ss off and leave you alone. Show some respect for yourself, even if he's incapable of it!!!

[Ally Boo]

Well, I'm actually 24. He's 23. And no I don't want to take him back. Actually, every day gets easier, and hurts less. Now that I have the car, I feel a lot better. He begged me to take him back, and I simply told him that I had no respect for him, and respected MYSELF too much to have him in my life.

 

He is scum, he's pathetic, and he's a sorry excuse for a living organism, much less a man. I do NOT want him in my life. I told him that I don't deserve anything he has done to me, and I won't give him the chance to try to hurt me again.

 

A dear friend of mine, grew up with the girl who is the mother of his first child. Last night, he told me that when she was pregnant, she found 4 other girls that were pregnant by him...he knew another girl that was too, and I know another one who lost his baby. He has only admitted to the first one, and the one that was lost. I don't quite see how all those girls could have his children, and them have no contact with him, or law after him, so I really don't believe it. However, I've learned never to underestimate how sick he is.