Filed for divorce today!

[aaaaaiiiiieeeee]

I thought I was looking forward to doing so, but I ended up being really sad afterwards. It was such a pretty day, too, the streets were crowded downtown, two friends insisted on coming with me for support, and yet I still felt so alone and sad.

 

I don't think I'm quite back to square one but my heart is heavier than it has been in a few days. I still ask myself where do I go from here? Do you just start trusting again one day and not notice it? Is monogamy really a bad word?

 

Well I'm tired of beating myself up. The tea party is over and now I'm just looking forward to the final decree. Any one have happily ever after stories after filing for divorce?

[Kwo-ne'-she]

Even when you know there is no hope of saving the marriage, I don't think people are normally "happy" in the initial stages of divorce. My ex was physically and emotionally abusive to me. I knew that a divorce was needed, and wanted one, but I certainly didn't feel any joy. On the contrary, I felt a sadness. I remembered the times we were so happy and in love. My heart ached, thinking back to the dreams we had, and life we planned together. Letting go of that, is painful. Allow yourself time to grieve the loss. Eventually, it does get easier.

 

Where do you go from here? Anywhere you like. You have a chance to start fresh, and do what you want, when you want, on your terms. No one to hold you back.

 

Do you just start trusting again? Trust should always be given on a case by case basis. There are too many untrustworthy people in this world, so your heart should not be given easily. When you meet someone, take it slow. There is no rush to dive headfirst into a new relationship.

[GreenEyedLady]

I thought I was looking forward to doing so, but I ended up being really sad afterwards. It was such a pretty day, too, the streets were crowded downtown, two friends insisted on coming with me for support, and yet I still felt so alone and sad.

 

I don't think I'm quite back to square one but my heart is heavier than it has been in a few days. I still ask myself where do I go from here? Do you just start trusting again one day and not notice it? Is monogamy really a bad word?

 

Well I'm tired of beating myself up. The tea party is over and now I'm just looking forward to the final decree. Any one have happily ever after stories after filing for divorce?

 

Filing for divorce and going through it are two things that are extremely hard to go through, even if you want it and know that it's the right thing to do...it's a really sad experience, no matter what...

 

BUT MAKE YOUR OWN HAPPILY EVER AFTER...

 

That's all that matters anyway...focus on your wants and needs (and your children's, if you have any) and try not to stray too far from that path...

 

(((HUGS)))

[aaaaaiiiiieeeee]

Thank you!!

 

No children thankfully. Sometimes I don't know if divorce is the right thing to do, but I feel that I have no other option in dealing with a such an emotionally unstable and unfaithfuly person.

Deep inside I know that what I feel for her is not love, that it is just some crazy attachment to how needy she was towards me. It is intoxicating when someone feels that way towards you but certainly not healthy.

[Trialbyfire]

When you're with someone through the amazing and the traumatic, it's always hard to let go. Love rarely dies overnight, regardless of how poisonous the relationship is to you.

 

I've always believed in 'til death do you part but somethings are unforgiveable and incredibly unhealthy. Good for you for recognizing what you can't change and doing something concrete about it.

 

While I can't share a happily ever after story, I do feel better about life now and look forward to it getting even better as time goes on.

[aaaaaiiiiieeeee]

The divorce thing has me a little scared, b/c it seems like if you can't make it on the 1st try then it just gets harder each time. Is it b/c people rush back into things in order to feel good again? Or is b/c people never learned from their previous relationships? Or perhaps a combination of all these things!

[AHIWON]

It will be different the next time Aaaaaalllllee. No 2 relationships will be the same. It's up to you to educate your self as to how relationships work and how men and women think differently. The better you educate yourself, the better chance you have at the next relationship. Don't rush into anything, rebound relationships are the most likely to fail. Take your time, heal, reflect and educate yourself. Learn who you really are and who you would like to be and the reason you aren't who you would like to be. You will know when you are ready. Then you will find the woman of your dreams. Don't rush it. I've gone into 2 bad long term relationships so far. I'm on fool me twice now. It won't happen again. Knowledge is power.

[Gunny376]

When you go thrugh the Big D, you not only grieve the lost of the soon to be X, but your greiving a lot of other things. The lost of innonence, the lost of the myth, the fallacy of "until death do you part" the myth and fallacy of "true love" and "the one"

 

The truth of the matter is that marriage requires committment, dedication, and work. Like anything, in the beginning a little effort yields little result, but with time, knowledge, and experience it flips to where a little effort yeilds hugh results. But, to get there you need to make an initial linvestment of time, effort, energy and get to know one another ~ and I mean really get to know one another ~ and to do that you need to be straight up, dead-serious honest with who and what you are as person and as an individual ~ warts and all.

 

You can probally bet that your first "serious" LTR after your is going to be a flop and a "transistionary" and/or re-bound relationship ~ its takes awhile to re-build your self esteem, and self respect ~ the best way to go is to just go and stay single for the next two years, and get comfortable in your own skin, and with living with yourself. Getting to know yourself, and getting back to liking yourself.

 

This is an excellent time for really getting to know yourself, and for finding out who and what you are all about. Working through the issues of your life and of your marriage.

 

This is an excellent time for you to take a serious look at where you've been, where you're at, and where you want to be in life. What you want in and out of life. Of re-defining goals, objective, priorties and such.

 

IMHO, the reason the divorce rate is so high for second and third marriage is too many people have got it in their heads that being single is such a terrible thing, and that they've just got to have someone in their lives, that they've just got to be married, that they've just got to have a GF or BF, or their a loser. Our culture and society sends that message across every medium very strongly ~ and I'm here to tell you that its nothing more than pure, un-adulterd BS!

 

First off you can't go wrong by yourself, and its pretty hard to have an argument with yourself for any prolonged period of time.

 

I was married for twelve years, sepearated for one, and got handed divorce papers after I got back from the so-called first Gulf War. I stupidly went and got myself involved in another LTR of six-and-half years. Early on into the relationship ~ I started getting my self esteem back, and kept trying to back out of it. Of course this was back before the internet and LS, and so I stumbled and fumbled, through it all.

 

After she and I broke up, I told myself that "Hey! I've got to give this dating and mating business a break for awhile. Until I can pull back and re-group, and figure this business out?!" And, I did, and while I initially set my goal at taking a sabatical for a year, its turned into a number of years.

 

During that time, I've been reading, searching, looking for the answers to the questions, and solutions to the problems. A number of thing have come out as result of all that, especially since having found Love Shack.

 

One of them is that the simple truth of the matter is that I've got more to offer most women than most women have got to offer me ~ not that I'm saying I'm stuck on myself, and think I'm all that and then some ~ just that I know what I've got to offer and what I'm bringing to the table. But for a woman to get with me ~ she's going to have to bring something to the table besides sex, a hot body, and the potential to give birth to children.

 

That is to say, she's going to have to bring something to the table besides her body, sex, a car-load of youngin's by another man, a drawer full of Visa and Mastercard bills, and an $6.50 an hour job. With that said, I would and could be open to even that ~ with the right woman.

 

Now is a most excellent time to seriously get your financial house in order. To pay off bills, eradicate debt, fund your IRA and/or 401K. Now is the time to put a years worth of income back in the bank for a rainy day ~ and its going to rain one day.

 

Even though I'm retired miltary, and the nut I've got to crack each month to keep a roof over my head, food in my mouth, a dependable ride under my azz, medical and dental is only $240 a month over and above my military retirement check. I've still have a years worth of income sitting in the bank. I've identified and fully funded anticipated expesnes such as car repairs, maintence, tags, scheduled and un-scheduled maintenace, property taxes, furniture and appliance replacement. I get a lower rate on my insurances because I pay a lump sum premiumn once a year ~ because I've got the money put back for that. My car insurance is absurdly low (30 a month)~ because I've got a $5000 deducatable, because I've got $5,000 in the bank to cover it, (think eating beans and weinnies ad nauseeum to get there though) My gas bill for my car ~ $50 a month, my light bill ~ $60 a month, my water bill? $ 8 or 9 a month, (yes I bath everday ~ sometimes twice a day~thank you) my gas bill for the house? Less than $10 a month!

 

Bottom line?! Get your s***t together! Divorce isn't a curse ~ its a freaking blessing! God loves you!

[Kwo-ne'-she]

The divorce thing has me a little scared, b/c it seems like if you can't make it on the 1st try then it just gets harder each time. Is it b/c people rush back into things in order to feel good again? Or is b/c people never learned from their previous relationships? Or perhaps a combination of all these things!

 

I believe some people rush back into things too quickly. After living with someone for a long time, to suddenly find yourself alone can be a very lonely feeling. Hence, the "rebound" relationships. While dating can help you recover lost self esteem, try not to dive into a serious relationship too quickly. You may think you are ready, but chances are you will find yourself involved, then suddenly realize that you aren't quite "there" yet.

 

You asked a very good question about people not learning from their previous relationships. Many times, when a marriage or relationship ends people tend to put all of the blame on the other person, and never stop to examine what part they might have played in the failure of it. No one is perfect, and even if your spouse cheated, abused, etc, there are behaviors each of us contributed that could have been better. (Not saying we made them cheat, abuse, etc. Just that we aren't 100% perfect ourselves)

 

After my last R ended, I spent nearly a year alone. I was suffering from a major depression, and wasn't interested in trying again. But it also gave me time to look back on the R, see things I wanted to change about me, and realize what I needed in my next R.

 

Just remember, there is no rush to find a woman and get deeply involved. Being alone forces you to learn more about yourself, even if you aren't into "self examination". Just the mere fact you are alone with your thoughts will cause you to learn and accept a few things that you might not have seen before.

[ratingsguy]

Now is a most excellent time to seriously get your financial house in order. To pay off bills, eradicate debt, fund your IRA and/or 401K. Now is the time to put a years worth of income back in the bank for a rainy day ~ and its going to rain one day.

 

Even though I'm retired miltary, and the nut I've got to crack each month to keep a roof over my head, food in my mouth, a dependable ride under my azz, medical and dental is only $240 a month over and above my military retirement check. I've still have a years worth of income sitting in the bank. I've identified and fully funded anticipated expesnes such as car repairs, maintence, tags, scheduled and un-scheduled maintenace, property taxes, furniture and appliance replacement. I get a lower rate on my insurances because I pay a lump sum premiumn once a year ~ because I've got the money put back for that. My car insurance is absurdly low (30 a month)~ because I've got a $5000 deducatable, because I've got $5,000 in the bank to cover it, (think eating beans and weinnies ad nauseeum to get there though) My gas bill for my car ~ $50 a month, my light bill ~ $60 a month, my water bill? $ 8 or 9 a month, (yes I bath everday ~ sometimes twice a day~thank you) my gas bill for the house? Less than $10 a month!

 

Bottom line?! Get your s***t together! Divorce isn't a curse ~ its a freaking blessing! God loves you!

 

Sounds like a Dave Ramsey listener!

[Woggle]

No matter how good an idea the divorce is it is sad to have tried at making a marriage work and failed. When I went through my divorce I was relieved but I also felt a sense of loss I wanted that marriage to work and it ended up not working. You will get over this and hopefully have a happy life.

[aaaaaiiiiieeeee]

Gunny:

 

That was a fantastic perspective. Sometimes I get so one-tracked in beating myself up, that I lose focus on the fact that I still have a life to live. I do feel I'm on the right track through learning all I can from sites like LS, self help literature, and counseling. I'm also moving back to FL (although I'll eventually return to NYC). Cheaper to live there and in my field the money is the same. The biggest reason though is a dear friend of mine is a developer and wants me to help him with the projects he has--we're going into business together! Plus I want to go surfing again (I haven't seriously gone since just after HS), play paintball, go scuba diving, race go-karts, play golf all the stuff I stopped doing when I met my STBXW.

 

I haven't yet started trying to reshape my priorities in life, but it is something on my agenda. Monetarily I should be ok, just have some student loans to finish paying, but emotionally I'm a wreck. 2 years seems like so far away, but I was actually thinking before I read your post that that time frame sounds about right for getting back to a healthy me. I want to marry again and have a family but I want to make sure the next time I am ready. I don't want to remarry b/c of some infatuation or b/c it is something that I feel I have to do, but b/c it's someone I love and respect, and feels the same about me and I don't think that deep love is something you get after 2 or 3 months or even a year, at least not for me. I feel I have much to bring to the table as well, the problem is I thought we were compatible. She's attractive and very smart unfortunately quite emotionally unstable. Perhaps it was the right person at the wrong time.

 

Kwo-ne'-she:

 

One of my biggest obstacles is her insistence that everything is my fault. I'm accepting personal responsibility for my part in the demise of the marriage, but I often find myself taking all the blame. I too, was (still am) suffering from major depression throughout most of our marriage, but even at that I accept my choices and don't blame the depression.

 

I hang out with friends and have had a few dates, but I stopped dating b/c in the end I realized I was rushing things again. It's a horrible feeling being surrounded by people yet still feeling utterly alone. You wake up day after day and there is this person in your life and then just like that they're gone. It's taken everything I have not to call or write. I'm having the papers served to her next week, but perhaps I'm rushing into divorce as well? I really just want to be through with this and with her, and I want the pain to go away.

[Kwo-ne'-she]

Kwo-ne'-she:

 

One of my biggest obstacles is her insistence that everything is my fault. I'm accepting personal responsibility for my part in the demise of the marriage, but I often find myself taking all the blame. I too, was (still am) suffering from major depression throughout most of our marriage, but even at that I accept my choices and don't blame the depression.

It takes two to make, or break, a marriage/relationship. One may be more at fault than the other, but none of us are perfect. The fact that she continues to lay all of the blame at your feet does not make it true. It's good that you have taken your share of responsibilty in this, but do not accept her share too. She may never admit it, never "own" it, and that can be frustrating. We can not make people see what they refuse to see. Sometimes you just have to walk away, without the satisfaction of hearing the other person aknowledge their blame.

I hang out with friends and have had a few dates, but I stopped dating b/c in the end I realized I was rushing things again. It's a horrible feeling being surrounded by people yet still feeling utterly alone. You wake up day after day and there is this person in your life and then just like that they're gone. It's taken everything I have not to call or write. I'm having the papers served to her next week, but perhaps I'm rushing into divorce as well? I really just want to be through with this and with her, and I want the pain to go away.

If there is any advice you take from this thread, please do not rush into things too quickly. I can't stress that enough. I did, and hurt not only myself, but the man I got involved with -because I was not truly ready. (although I sure thought I was at the time) There is no magic timeline, a one size fits all. At the end of my marriage, I was able to get back in the saddle fairly quickly. At the end of my last relationship, it took more than a year for me to get my head on straight.

 

I'm sorry you are hurting. I suffer from depression at times myself. Spent 8 months in the worst one of my life, after the end of a relationship. It helped me to keep repeating "this too, shall pass". Trite, but a fact. No matter how bad things are, it eventually gets better, gets easier, and stops hurting as much.

[GreenEyedLady]

It's a horrible feeling being surrounded by people yet still feeling utterly alone. but perhaps I'm rushing into divorce as well? I really just want to be through with this and with her, and I want the pain to go away.

 

I think that this is why you fear you are rushing things...when you first become single again (albeit separated) you suddenly fear the unknown...no matter HOW MUCH you want out...I wanted out of my M so badly but I still felt this fear...

 

It is scary to start over and "fail" at M...that is how I felt...I don't know much about your story, but I know that if you actually filed, you want a D...people don't do that lightly or without cause...you are doubting yourself because you don't know what's going to happen...

 

And it is scary to suddenly be on your own with no one to watch out for you...no one to care for you...but that's really not the truth...there are those who care for you and watch out for you, just not in the same way...and when you realize that your partner wasn't doing that for you anyway, you'll feel better about it...

 

Gunny has given you great advice...a good book also is "Crazy Time," it might help you...do what you need to, to be happy...and learn from your mistakes...

[Gunny376]

a good book also is "Crazy Time," it might help you...do what you need to, to be happy...and learn from your mistakes...

 

A good book for anyone going through this. Quick easy paperback read.

 

If there is any advice you take from this thread, please do not rush into things too quickly. I can't stress that enough.

 

I can't even begin to stand up with both hands and arms raised, and testify to this~!!! When do you know? When you've reached the point where you don't give a damn wheather you're in a relationship or not ~ or for that matter if you're ever in another one the rest of your life.

 

I haven't yet started trying to reshape my priorities in life, but it is something on my agenda. Monetarily I should be ok, just have some student loans to finish paying, but emotionally I'm a wreck. 2 years seems like so far away, but I was actually thinking before I read your post that that time frame sounds about right for getting back to a healthy me. I want to marry again and have a family but I want to make sure the next time I am ready. I don't want to remarry b/c of some infatuation or b/c it is something that I feel I have to do, but b/c it's someone I love and respect, and feels the same about me and I don't think that deep love is something you get after 2 or 3 months or even a year, at least not for me. I feel I have much to bring to the table as well, the problem is I thought we were compatible. She's attractive and very smart unfortunately quite emotionally unstable. Perhaps it was the right person at the wrong time.

 

Its called "falling back into you life" ~ go to Fla ~ go on daily T&A patrols at the beach, do the Jimmy Buffet thing ~ a change of attitude and latittude will do you a world of good!

 

 

Me? I'm to the point where I don't care if the sun don't shine! I'll still be a happy camper! The way I've got it figured is the Good Lord will put the right one in front of my face when He's good and ready! Its all about perspective and attitude. Most people are about as happy as they make there minds up to be. Its like my signature line says, recoginze that parts of you are pretty awesome ~ work on the rest.

[aaaaaiiiiieeeee]

Well that's just it. I didn't want the divorce at first (she said we should get divorced). She started seeing someone else before we were even seperated 2.5 months ago. She told me back then that they are already planning marriage. So at that point I didn't see any other alternative but to file for divorce.

 

I don't know how to feel. I feel betrayed, angry, sad, and confused. Not as badly as when it first happened but still not good. In the end she simply said she couldn't help me through my depression and that relaitonships shouldn't be this hard (we argued and took ea other foregranted in the end). There is still much life left to live and I feel I have so much love in me yet at the same time feel so dead inside. I'll take a look at the book, I'm reading 3 at once at the moment.

[aaaaaiiiiieeeee]

I don't know why I just thought of this, but I went to get all my stuff moved a while ago. We're both there waiting for the movers and she had already told me ~4 times that she's having the locks re-keyed.

 

The movers are almost done and I hand her my key to her place back. She takes it and then she hands it back asking if I need it for anything. I was too dumbfounded to answer, but I thought to myself, 'What could I possibly use a cut key for?'

 

She repeated it again and I just said, "what good is a cut key to a lock that has been re-keyed?" She said I don't know I just thought you could use it. I thought she might have been pulling my leg, perhaps joking, but she actually meant what she said and looked a little put off that I didn't take it.

 

So I starting getting a little concerned that she might be losing her marbles (there is a history of mental illness in her family). That and when she told me on several occasions that it was a good thing we don't own a gun b/c she would have shot me. The first time it was kind of funny, but after that it started freaking me out.

 

So am I overanalyzing or am I justified in thinking that something is not right?

 

Also I know this probably doesn't mean much, but is it weird for a 30+ yo woman to still suck her thumb and have a blanky?

[MoonGirl]

I don't know why I just thought of this, but I went to get all my stuff moved a while ago. We're both there waiting for the movers and she had already told me ~4 times that she's having the locks re-keyed.

 

The movers are almost done and I hand her my key to her place back. She takes it and then she hands it back asking if I need it for anything. I was too dumbfounded to answer, but I thought to myself, 'What could I possibly use a cut key for?'

 

She repeated it again and I just said, "what good is a cut key to a lock that has been re-keyed?" She said I don't know I just thought you could use it. I thought she might have been pulling my leg, perhaps joking, but she actually meant what she said and looked a little put off that I didn't take it.

 

So I starting getting a little concerned that she might be losing her marbles (there is a history of mental illness in her family). That and when she told me on several occasions that it was a good thing we don't own a gun b/c she would have shot me. The first time it was kind of funny, but after that it started freaking me out.

 

So am I overanalyzing or am I justified in thinking that something is not right?

 

Also I know this probably doesn't mean much, but is it weird for a 30+ yo woman to still suck her thumb and have a blanky?

 

I hope you're not serious.... All of this stuff is VERY strange.

[ilmw]

I hope you're not serious.... All of this stuff is VERY strange.

 

Ummm....sorry to say... but those things would have been BIG RED FLAGS for me...

 

Anything else she has done in the past... that.. would raise a curious eyebrow??

[aaaaaiiiiieeeee]

I hope you're not serious.... All of this stuff is VERY strange.

 

Moongirl I would never kid about something like this. I'm not saying I'm a saint and didn't yell back when we got into shouting matches or try and manipulate arguments, but I never said things like, "this divorvce would be easier on me if you just died" or "this OM wants to get married so give me the quick divorce" or "if you don't give me a quick divorce, I'll get pregnant with his child and you'll be responsible b/c we're still married"

 

Other Red Flags, well there just might be too many to list but these two stick out the most. One that bothered me was she has this cat that is very aggressive and used to hiss and attack me if I stepped into the bedroom--the cat actually didn't like anybody. She would just laugh it off even though I was bleeding ("oh she is only 14lbs it's just a scratch"), but I told her I didn't like it. Her other cat loved me.

 

About 5 weeks into getting together she says she would feel more comfortable with sex if I told her that I was in love with her. I was very fond of her and liked her a great deal and could feel myself falling for her, but I wasn't in love with her. I wanted to keep moving slowly, but I ended up living with her after 6 weeks of getting together with her.

 

Oh and she would tell me how she always waited a long time before having sex with a BF, so I guess I should be grateful that we had sex so soon after meeting. She insisted I meet her parents for Thanksgiving soon after getting together. I went along, but I wasn't comfortable meeting them b/c I felt that it was just too soon. Maybe that one is just me.

 

I got used to the whole thumb sucking and blanky thing, she told me it is not abnormal and that it calms her down. I guess I accepted it as normal. I've never been involved with someone like this. All my other relationships have been sweet and they ended b/c well I was young and immature in HS and college. Now that I was settling down WAM!

[a4a]

She has some serious issues..... highly abnormal.

 

run away.........run........... run.

[Trialbyfire]

+1^^^

 

Sucking her thumb and still having a blanky? While I can accept some things said in anger, I don't think that discussions surrounding your murder are signs of balanced behaviour.

[MoonGirl]

Moongirl I would never kid about something like this. I'm not saying I'm a saint and didn't yell back when we got into shouting matches or try and manipulate arguments, but I never said things like, "this divorvce would be easier on me if you just died" or "this OM wants to get married so give me the quick divorce" or "if you don't give me a quick divorce, I'll get pregnant with his child and you'll be responsible b/c we're still married"

 

Other Red Flags, well there just might be too many to list but these two stick out the most. One that bothered me was she has this cat that is very aggressive and used to hiss and attack me if I stepped into the bedroom--the cat actually didn't like anybody. She would just laugh it off even though I was bleeding ("oh she is only 14lbs it's just a scratch"), but I told her I didn't like it. Her other cat loved me.

 

About 5 weeks into getting together she says she would feel more comfortable with sex if I told her that I was in love with her. I was very fond of her and liked her a great deal and could feel myself falling for her, but I wasn't in love with her. I wanted to keep moving slowly, but I ended up living with her after 6 weeks of getting together with her.

 

Oh and she would tell me how she always waited a long time before having sex with a BF, so I guess I should be grateful that we had sex so soon after meeting. She insisted I meet her parents for Thanksgiving soon after getting together. I went along, but I wasn't comfortable meeting them b/c I felt that it was just too soon. Maybe that one is just me.

 

I got used to the whole thumb sucking and blanky thing, she told me it is not abnormal and that it calms her down. I guess I accepted it as normal. I've never been involved with someone like this. All my other relationships have been sweet and they ended b/c well I was young and immature in HS and college. Now that I was settling down WAM!

 

 

Wow. Sounds like you and I both found real strange people to settle down with. Been there, done that.

 

No, none of the things your wife is doing are evern remotely normal...especially the sucking thumb/blanky habit. My husband and his mother have something called "emotional incest," which was a real joy to deal with. His mother's needs (which are many...since she's usually "suicidal" if her son is ignoring her) are more important than anyone else's needs. They spoke on the phone AT LEAST 2-3 hours per day. He would lay in her lap for hours while she stroked his hair...yuck! And she still cut up his food and manually fed it to him. It made me ill.

 

Trust me, you will be SO happy once your wife is out of your life. The kind of crap she was saying to you is just mean spirited and nasty. No divorce is fun, but who tells someone that they want them dead??? My god.

 

Be happy she's leaving you!

[a4a]

holy smokes reminds me to repeat over and over again.

 

I love my H I love my H.

 

People were there not signs of this before you got involved?

 

Red flags?

[magichands]

Sucking her thumb and still having a blanky?

What's wrong with that?? I love my blanky. And there are much worse things to suck on, I will have you all know.