ilmw Posted March 14, 2007 Share Posted March 14, 2007 I've read just about everything on coping with divorce and infidelity. I've always gone to the gym so I've just been hitting it harder. Keeping busy with the huge workload of finishing school and starting a business with a friend. I might have just had her up on a really high pedestal. I've been NC for 2+ months now. Well she's called a few times and emailed a number of times as well, but never with anything nice to say, and I've replied but have decided as of the last email to reply no longer. How long was the LTR it took you 2 years to get through? I don't want to close myself in and want to be in love again, but just can't see myself with anyone else, not yet anyways. Good... no go back and re-read it all.. LTR...was 6 years... of confusing crap... being in love... then hating her...(it was a BAD relationship)..... Like I said before... only thing I learned from it... is what I won't put up with in a relationship.. Good stuff about going to the Gym... and keeping busy. I also repeat... NC!.. ilmw Link to post Share on other sites
Author aaaaaiiiiieeeee Posted March 14, 2007 Author Share Posted March 14, 2007 I agree with Gunny and ilmw, Your wife hasn't given you the chance to do everything you can. That's exactly it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! That's why I've felt so helpless and powerless. Why didn't I think of that. I know how she has treated me, I wasn't an angel either so I feel that perhaps in some way she is justified. It is boiling down to just a mental exercise now to detach from her. Ok I'm off to the beach the surf calls. Thanks for listening guys Link to post Share on other sites
Gunny376 Posted March 14, 2007 Share Posted March 14, 2007 Its like the old George Jones Song, which in part goes Its not because you own a chain of liqour stores, Its not because you've got a pair of 44DD Its not because you're daddy's the richest man in town Its just because I use to having you around Love is addiciting ~ and releases powerful addiciting bio-chemicals in your brain housing group ~ you're going through withdrawal ~ and the best, quickest way to do it is to go cold turkey. This is why its possible to be "in love" with the absolute worse person for you mentally, emotionally, spiritually,physically, and financially. You don't have any children with this woman ~ so the best thing that you can do for yourself ~ mentally, emotionally is go strictly no contact. It takes two to make it, but only one to break it. There's a million and one things that you can do alone ~ but being in a marriage by yourself isn't one of them. You want to find love again? Quit looking for it. You don't find love ~ it finds you. Nature abdhors a vaccumn. Your mission in life ~ should you decide to accept it is to identify your strengths and weaknesses and work on being the best quality human being that you can ~ to identfy your weaknesses, adapt, improvise and overcome ~ fake it until you make it. Quit beating yourself up about your so-called failures that's why you came to the planet ~ to learn to grow as a spiritual being. The primary way we do that is by f***ing up ~ The truth of the matter nothing in your formal nor in-formal education prepared you nor equiped you what you needed to know in even chossing the right mate ~ let alone with how to deal with the micro and macro of being in a marriage. But, now you know that you've got to read, re-read, learn and learn it over until you've got it down pat, and then learn some more. Its a lifetime endevor. Link to post Share on other sites
MoonGirl Posted March 15, 2007 Share Posted March 15, 2007 That's exactly it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! That's why I've felt so helpless and powerless. Why didn't I think of that. I know how she has treated me, I wasn't an angel either so I feel that perhaps in some way she is justified. It is boiling down to just a mental exercise now to detach from her. Ok I'm off to the beach the surf calls. Thanks for listening guys Hope the beach was relaxing. Justified??? Well, no one is really justified for telling you she wishes you were dead, threatening to have another man's baby while being married to you, etc. Of course you're no angel - who is? But at least you have the capacity to look at what went wrong and work on yourself. I don't think your wife has this same capacity. Link to post Share on other sites
Very_Confused Posted March 15, 2007 Share Posted March 15, 2007 It takes two to make it, but only one to break it. There's a million and one things that you can do alone ~ but being in a marriage by yourself isn't one of them. Never thought of it exactly this way. My philosophy has always been "It takes two to make it, two to break it and two to be willing to fix it when it is broke." Not so different maybe. Link to post Share on other sites
Author aaaaaiiiiieeeee Posted March 15, 2007 Author Share Posted March 15, 2007 Hope the beach was relaxing. Justified??? Well, no one is really justified for telling you she wishes you were dead, threatening to have another man's baby while being married to you, etc. Surfing has always relaxed me and with the sun out you just can't help but smile and feel like life will get better. Then went out with friends to shoot paintballs at one another, so I would say it was a therapeutic day lol! The last couple of days have been good. If she feels justified with what she did so be it, I can't control her or anyone else's behavior (took me long enough to realize this duh). I know I wasn't an angel and acknowledge that I returned the verbal abuse and withdrew in order to avoid arguments. Instead of walking away and setting boundries when she started hitting me I let her do it or wrapped my arms around her to calm her down (which rarely worked, I mistook her getting tired with her calming down). It has been said that at the end of a relationships people say things that they don't necessarily mean. I've also heard that during times of great duress a person's true character comes through. I withstood her vicious, venemous tirades at the end with calm, serene poise never stooping to her level. So I wonder if the person at the end is the real person or is the real person the sweet, needy, but angry individual I had come to know? I will always see her as the wounded, scared little girl she told me she was from her childhood. I can't help but remember the good times with her and feel sad at what might have been and how she rewrote our history. We both wanted children, I just wanted to wait a little longer, less than a year so that I might finish school. Perhaps it was too much to ask for, finishing school and conquering my depression considering how we argued and took ea. other forgranted. For that I am sorry, b/c that being the case I leaned on her too much. Now I'm finding out what it is I'm made of and the future looks brighter everyday. I miss her but I'm finding out I don't need her. Hope everyone is doing well! I'll probably post again when I feel down and much less optimistic. LS is awesome our little online support group. Although everyone is far away I'm glad you guys are here. Link to post Share on other sites
Author aaaaaiiiiieeeee Posted March 28, 2007 Author Share Posted March 28, 2007 I'm such a dumbass. I filed the rest of the divorce papers this past Friday and yesterday I get a phone call from her asking me "what is the reason why I haven't filed the papers yet" Just the sound of her voice makes shiver. I just told her I had already filed and she has the index number, so call the County Clerk herself, thank you and goodbye. But here is the dumbass part, she sounded so stressed and her voice was kind of shaky and I felt like such an a**hole for just having terminated the phone call like that. I found myself wondering if she's ok, and wanting to comfort her in some way. I let her affect me again when I know it doesn't conern me anymore. I really can't wait to be through with this, but honestly now there is NO reason for her to ever contact me again, which is both a relief and incredibly sad. Ok end of rant. Link to post Share on other sites
Gunny376 Posted March 28, 2007 Share Posted March 28, 2007 I'm such a dumbass. I filed the rest of the divorce papers this past Friday and yesterday I get a phone call from her asking me "what is the reason why I haven't filed the papers yet" Just the sound of her voice makes shiver. I just told her I had already filed and she has the index number, so call the County Clerk herself, thank you and goodbye. But here is the dumbass part, she sounded so stressed and her voice was kind of shaky and I felt like such an a**hole for just having terminated the phone call like that. I found myself wondering if she's ok, and wanting to comfort her in some way. I let her affect me again when I know it doesn't conern me anymore. I really can't wait to be through with this, but honestly now there is NO reason for her to ever contact me again, which is both a relief and incredibly sad. Ok end of rant. Damned if I've not seen that! Link to post Share on other sites
Author aaaaaiiiiieeeee Posted April 13, 2007 Author Share Posted April 13, 2007 So I get this email from my cheating STBXW saying that, "I have to keep her informed of what's going on in the divorce otherwise she won't send me my mail that didn't get forwarded." Hark! My mail is being held hostage!! Just the thought of my mail stuck in that apartment....oh the humanity! I don't respond to her phone calls, nor her emails anymore and she figured that out a while ago, I guess b/c when she emails now her entire email message is in the subject heading space. So I removed the subject heading filter. Ahhhh! It's the little things in life. Link to post Share on other sites
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