Filed for divorce today!

[magichands]

No matter how good an idea the divorce is it is sad to have tried at making a marriage work and failed. When I went through my divorce I was relieved but I also felt a sense of loss I wanted that marriage to work and it ended up not working. You will get over this and hopefully have a happy life.

Great post. And a great philosophy.

[Trialbyfire]

What's wrong with that?? I love my blanky. And there are much worse things to suck on, I will have you all know.

Worse or better?

[magichands]

Worse or better?

But this thread isn't about you.

[MoonGirl]

holy smokes reminds me to repeat over and over again.

 

I love my H I love my H.

 

People were there not signs of this before you got involved?

 

Red flags?

 

 

Lol. For me, there were a few red flags, yes. But, really, my husband was an ideal, doting boyfriend. However, we lived very far away from my husband's parents at the time. I was young...a bit of a party girl...and my husband was a party boy. Then I accidentally got pregnant, and we got married. Oops! For a bit, he changed...got a great job (still has one), wore business suits (still does), and helped me care for our new baby. His mom called a lot, but he was able to hide their sick relationship for a while...at least to some degree. I thought it was weird that he called her daily, but figured they were just close. Then she started coming to visit us for 3 weeks at a time, and their twisted relationship became more apparent to me. Then, after I got pregnant with our second child, my husband became VERY verbally abusive and then physically abusive...he often told me I was jealous of his mother and trying to steal him away from her! :sick: He told me my parents didn't love me. Lol. Then his mom started to make plans to move in with us. Yikes! Ooohhhh...I could go on and on about our twisted little reality, but this is aaaiieee's thread...

[Trialbyfire]

But this thread isn't about you.

Why not???

[aaaaaiiiiieeeee]

People were there not signs of this before you got involved?

 

Red flags?

 

Absolutely! That was my point. They flags were there, including the big one where she told me how violent and horrible her childhood was. But I felt I could soothe her and make her feel better. I don't know why I continued to ignore the warnings. She brought out the worst in me, and I felt like crap all the time. Very rarely did I feel happy around her.

 

I felt I was being pulled in two different directions most of the time. I'm starting to come to tears again and shake from this! If we argued and she was wrong I never got an apology and if I asked her for one later she would just get mad again. If I was wrong I apologized, but then had to spell out why I was wrong and then she would continue to fume.

 

In the end she blamed me for everything that went wrong and then found someone else. I guess I should be grateful she is someone else's problem now. Even today she still writes asking what is taking me so long to file the divorce, to keep her posted on everything I do regarding the divorce, and then again to vent that the process server didn't call her to make an appointment to serve her the papers (as if that's the way it is normally done. It's not is it?)

 

Any ways I have much to work on myself ridding her from my system. That book Crazy Time is an excellent book!

[MoonGirl]

I haven't read that book yet...I'm still in shock about what my reality has become. I finally left H last month, and up until today he has been completely nasty to me (like your wife). Now he is offering to go to therapy and MC. Huh???? I guess, for me, I just don't have the energy for that....or the time.

 

Yes, be thankful this woman is leaving you. You will be MUCH better off without her. You guys don't have kids, do you?

[aaaaaiiiiieeeee]

She actually suggested MC and I agreed, but then she changed her mind two days later and well that's that. She kept telling me over and over again how she had really really tried to keep us together and that she just didn't love me any longer. But then she would say "I love you" followed by oops that was an accident.

 

No kids thankfully!! When we first met she would always drop hints as to the fact she wanted to get married. It hadn't even been a year! Then before we were even married it was about having kids. I can't see her being a mother, she only seems to want to have children just for the sake of having children. All her friends are having children she should be as well I imagine is her reasoning.

 

Yeah now he wants to go to MC. You'd think if he wanted to salvage things he would have gone for himself long ago. Me, well I've actually really enjoyed going to therapy. I never put much stock in therapy thinking it was for people with "serious" problem, but my entire perspective has changed. I really like the person I'm seeing. I feel really safe and comfortable in her office and can tell her anything. It's really helped.

[MoonGirl]

That's wonderful that you're seeing a therapist. I LOVE my therapist too. Never thought I would need one...I had a lovely childhood. lol.

 

Yes, you're very lucky you have no children with your wife...that would be a disaster...I know! At least my H is so caught up in his relationship with his mother, he just doesn't have much time for the kids at all. He has been seeing them about one night per week since we split a month ago. And he took them for one weekend, and of course they were at his mom's house the whole time.

 

I can't believe your wife would accidentally say "I love you" She sounds seriously disturbed. She probably doesn't even know what love is.

[aaaaaiiiiieeeee]

So I talked to her family a short while back and I told them that she's having an affair. Today I get an email saying "I don't know what you told my parents but you forced me to lie to them"

 

So now that's my fault, too.

[Kwo-ne'-she]

I had an ex bf cut from the same cloth. Everything bad that happened was always my fault. Didn't matter what - my fault. And this type knows how to work it, so you do end up feeling bad/guilty for things you had no control over.

 

Often times, we ignore "red flags" early in a relationship. Sometimes the flags are there, but we don't even see them until it's all over. Hindsight, you know.

 

You can't "fix" someone. Can't "heal" them. While you had good intentions in the beginning, loving her, helping her get past her past...people truly have to heal themselves. It doesn't matter how far you go to save someone, they can not be saved until they take certain steps themselves. You aren't Superman.

 

It sounds like you are better off without her in your life. Don't accept her blame anymore. Don't allow her to make you feel bad. Deep down, you know what's what - so do not let her twist words and convince you otherwise.

 

Keep your head up, continue therapy if it helps you, and don't give this woman the chance to drag you back down where you were before. You are making progress! Don't let her ruin it by listening to any negatives she might say.

[MoonGirl]

Great! My husband has forbidden me from talking to his parents. lol. I guess he doesn't want them to know what he has been up to.

 

Yes, everything will be your fault in her mind. I doubt she is capable of taking any responsibility.

[aaaaaiiiiieeeee]

Well he can tell you he doesn't want you talking to his parents, but he shouldn't still be able to boss you around.

 

My wife claims that there is no justice for her. She likes to play the part of the victim or martyr. I end up apologizing for things I didn't even do. Yesterday she emails me calling me names, telling me that I need to pay her money back that she offered to me for school, even though she knows she'll never get it back. So I capitulated and told her as soon as I'm done I'll be able to send it to her. Not good enough she threatens to sue me. I'm so sick of this. I just want to be left alone to mourn and move forward

[MoonGirl]

Well he can tell you he doesn't want you talking to his parents, but he shouldn't still be able to boss you around.

 

My wife claims that there is no justice for her. She likes to play the part of the victim or martyr. I end up apologizing for things I didn't even do. Yesterday she emails me calling me names, telling me that I need to pay her money back that she offered to me for school, even though she knows she'll never get it back. So I capitulated and told her as soon as I'm done I'll be able to send it to her. Not good enough she threatens to sue me. I'm so sick of this. I just want to be left alone to mourn and move forward

 

You CAN be left alone to mourn. You two have no kids together (thank goodness!). Don't take her calls, delete her emails before you read them (and, of course, don't respond), and start doing things for YOU. Easier said than done...I know. I wax and wane in this department because I have some (very unrealistic) hope that my husband and I can at least remain civil with one another because we have 2 children together. But if I were you and had no kids, I would cut him completely out of my life.

 

Threatens to sue you??? You guys were married...the money belonged to both of you! You don't owe her any replies or promises. SHE is the one who decided to leave you. It sounds like she has completely gone off the deep end. It's not like she's going to get nastier if you cut her off completely. Well, maybe a bit nastier...but, really, I would think that if you put your foot down and stop this craziness with her, she will have no choice but to back off...and if she doesn't back off you can get a restraining order.

 

Stop apologizing for things you never even did and get rid of this woman. You deserve better!

[Gunny376]

Its obvious that the STBXW has mental and more to the point ~ emotional issues which are far greater than you've got the experince to help her with ~ she's damaged goods ~ and until she seeks out the professional help that she needs, ~ she's going to contiune to be damage goods.

 

The greatest predictor of future behavior is past behavior. They lying, cheating and other behavior will continue with the next guy, and the next and the next. Why? Simply because its what works for her. And, she will continue with it ~ until the day arrives when she hits bottom, and Pray my friend that you're no where around and that she's not in your life when that happens.

 

You're best bet, IMHO? Cut your looses and count your blessings that you don't have to waste another moment with this woman. Pity the poor SOB that she's with, he's going to need it.

 

Quit accepting any blame that she's trying to heap upon her ~ she's one of those types that refuses to take any responsibility for anything negative that happens or occurs in her life.

 

Most assurdly seek out and identify any and all of your own personal weaknesses and shortcomings ~ and then seek self improvement ~ and that my friend is a lifelong endevor.

 

You need to tell her that she's out of your life ~ and that she can go dump are her crap on the guy she's with ~ that you're done ~ you just are, and then be done ~ and move on with your life. Get your head and azz wired back together, get you life together mentally, emotionally, spiritually, financially ~ get your house and your head together ~ and then just move on.

 

The amount of time, effort, energy, and money that you would spend on this would net you ten others that would appreciate what you've got to offer and what you're bringing to the table.

 

A lot of this is simply a pyschological thing ~ because you're the one that got dumped, you're the one that was cheated on, you're the one ~ its your mind trying to reconcile your own personal self image with your own personal sense of self worth. A lot of it is just your innner child screaming that you're just as good as the guys she's with, if not better! And, you know what? You're right.

 

Its not so much what he's got to offer over what you've got to offer, she's just off getting her newest love-junkie fix. You've invested all this time, effort, and energy in her in putting her up on a pedestal ~ and she's heard it so much and so often from you ~ that she's not getting her "fix" and now she's got to run and and hear it from someone new ~ but not you.

 

She's the one with the low self image-esteem, she's the one with the emotional if not mental problems ~ not you. But, in the course of her being "sick" she's making you sick.

 

Step outside of yourself ~ would you have put up with five years before you meet her, back in the day when you were such a happy go lucky, devil may car type? Would you get into a relationship with someone like her ~ a year from now, or run for the hills screaming "Get the f**k away from me!

 

What she got that you can't get just as much of ~ if not more, just as good as, if not better than what she's got to offer?!

 

If I were you ~ I wouldn't just go NC ~ in so far as she's concerned I just fell off the face of the planet! You don't need her! Dump this broad! She's no respect for herself ~ let alone you or anyone else ~ not even her parents for Christmas Sake! And, when I say dump her, I mean dump her mentally, emotionally, spiritually.

 

In the course of all her craziness ~ she's making you crazy, and only you, and you alone can let that happen. She's like a drowning woman ~ and in the course of drowing and in the course of trying to rescue she's dragging you down with her. Let her go ~ just let her go.

 

When all is said and done ~ and when you've decided to make this mental ~ emotional leap and you've regained your sense of balance and center in your life ~ you'll be like the stories in "Crazy Time" and you will look back in awe and wonder, "WTF was I thinking?" and you'll smile and laugh about it.

 

But, you're the one that's going to have to make that decision ~ and you and only you can make it. Not your therapist, not your priest, not your rabbi - YOU!

 

You're going to have to "man-up" and take charge of yourself, and full and complete responsibility for your life, and what happens in it. You need to educate yourself in those areas where you've identified personal weaknesses, be it relationships, marriage, your concepts, your perceptions, your attitude.

 

Life is mostly about just showing up. Life is 1% of what happens to you, but its 99% of WTF are you going to do about it and handle it.

 

As you permit yourself to think ~ so you believe ~ as you believe is who you are and become. Think of yourself as a loser ~ you're right! Think you've nothing to offer ~ you're right! Think you'll never find love and happiness again ~ again you're right.

 

As you allow yourself to think is what you will attract to yourself ~ and what you will find.

 

You need to do a brain-dump of all the negative crap and thoughts that she's put in your head over the course of the years! You need to hit the re-set button on the old brain housing group. Everytime you catch yourself thinking negatively ~ stop ~ and flip it into a positive one. Turn it around.

 

Bad things happen to good people ~ that's just how life is. The difference is all in how you approach and handle what life throws at you. In your heart of hearts, you know you're a good man, a good person, with a lot to offer, and with a lot of love to give ~ get off your ass and get busy finding someone who's mentally and emotionally stable and balance and who's going to appreciate what you've got, and what you've got to offer.

 

One last thing, most men can tell you in explicit detail what kind of car they want ~ they're dream car, boat, whatever, but when you ask them what kind woman they're looking for that stutter and spudder.

 

The good thing about the STBXW is that she's painted a clear pretty picture of what kind of woman and relationship you don't want nor need. When you're head clears, you need to give some serious thought about what you looking for in a woman.

 

Also, most men don't actively choose the women they with, they get with the woman that shows them a little bit of interest ~ which is interesting because most women think that its the man that chooses them. Once you've come up with what you're looking for and all the more importantly what you're not looking for ~ make sure that you're choosing who you want to be with and not just for a piece of azz, or to keep from being alone, or just to be in a relationship.

 

Part of this "Crazy Time" that you're going through is that you're not good enough to have a woman in your life ~ and/or that you'll never find someone else. I tell guys all the time ~ when you reach the point in your life when you could absolutely care and give a damn wheather you've a woman in your life, in another relationship, or ever get married again ~ they will seek you out. The confidence that your life will go on with or without any one particular woman ~ is very attractive.

 

Life is hard ~ but its harder if you're stupid. Quit being "stupid" over this one particular woman. When you got with her ~ you were ignorant of her and her ways, but now you know about her and her BS ways. To continue to wane and pine for her, would be "stupid", because now you know, you have knowledge, and that knowledge is screaming at you ~ that she's just not worth you, your time, your effort, your money, your time of day.

 

Let her go f**k up some other guys head and life. Pity the poor bastard and her parents.

 

You? Go find yourself someone who lights up and grins from ear to ear when you walk into the room, whose voice "thrills" when you call on the phone. Who appreciates you for who you are as you are, and wouldn't change a thing. Someone who could just "eat you up", can't get enough of you, and wonders where you've been all her life! She's out there, get busy finding her.

[aaaaaiiiiieeeee]

Gunny you sound so much like my old man. I think saying you are absolutely right doesn't do your post justice.

 

I am being stupid there is really no other way to see it b/c she has no bearing on what I think or do any longer. That I allow her to is well that is the stupid part.

 

It's been a while since I've felt sane. Today was a good day though. I'm visiting family and friends in Florida and spent most of the day surfing. Amazing what sunshine will do for the psyche. Things are looking up folks! The sadness and anger are ebbing away slowly, and although not whole yet, certainly much better off. Thanks again for that post Gunny I think I'll read it once a day.

[Ladyjane14]

Today was a good day though. I'm visiting family and friends in Florida and spent most of the day surfing. Amazing what sunshine will do for the psyche. Things are looking up folks! The sadness and anger are ebbing away slowly, and although not whole yet, certainly much better off. Thanks again for that post Gunny I think I'll read it once a day.

 

Atta-boy!

... and you're right. You ought to print Gunny's post out and put it in your wallet for awhile. It'll help you keep your resolve intact.

[aaaaaiiiiieeeee]

I've been doing much better. I still have some bad days and on those days it seems like I'm back to square one.

 

I still wonder if divorce is the right thing to do. If you take your vows seriously, shouldn't you fight for your marriage no matter how hard the times get? Or is that just an archaic way of thinking?

 

I don't know the answer to that yet, but what I do know is that I don't want to ever go through this again. So I guess I'll go off and become a Buddhist monk.

[Gunny376]

By all means! Please piss your life away pieing over some woman that can never be made happy, never be satisfied, never pacified. Who refuses to be a part of the solution, a part of the answers!

 

This is the reason some women laugh at us men ~ because we're idiots over a little bit of pudding! When there's no shortage of women ~ nor pudding!

[Ladyjane14]

I still wonder if divorce is the right thing to do. If you take your vows seriously, shouldn't you fight for your marriage no matter how hard the times get? Or is that just an archaic way of thinking?

 

I don't know if it's "archaic" or not. I'm a person who believes that vows should be taken seriously. But, I'm a realist also. YOU might have taken your vows seriously, but you can't MAKE your partner do the same. It's unfortunate, but some people never do reach emotional maturity... and others are sometimes so slow in reaching it, that they've destroyed everything around them before they get there.

 

Personally, I don't think we should feel compelled to butt our heads on the same old tired wall until we're bruised and bloodied beyond recognition. We each have a responsibility to our own health and wellbeing to think of as well.

 

When you've done the best you can... you've done ALL you can do. I think it's okay to give yourself permission to be content with that.

[ilmw]

I've been doing much better. I still have some bad days and on those days it seems like I'm back to square one.

 

I still wonder if divorce is the right thing to do. If you take your vows seriously, shouldn't you fight for your marriage no matter how hard the times get? Or is that just an archaic way of thinking?

 

I don't know the answer to that yet, but what I do know is that I don't want to ever go through this again. So I guess I'll go off and become a Buddhist monk.

 

I can appreciate... the confusion you are going through. This is all very hard to deal with.

 

But... you have got to take a stand. I'm curious to know what you have done thus far to try and improve your situation/ self. You will read allot on her ... if you have not already done so... about books on relationships and self help. Have done any reading?

 

I'm trying to follow so many different threads.. that I'm not sure if you ever mentioned the above.

 

The reason I mention this.. is... It help me immensely. Help me to see.. things about myself. Things I did not like. Helped me identify certain characteristics that had changed ... how I had un-become ... who I actually did like. All the reading.. mixed with some good IC.. opened up a new door. I was able to recognise "demons" from my past.. that had held me back... emotionally. As well.. unresolved grief... and anger.. (things way back in my past)

 

Now none of this has to do with your W.... she is not the concern here. YOU ARE. Get working on you... sort your Sh*t out...

 

Also... I for one.. like several others on LS take their vows seriously.. but Damn man... you need to walk away... from this.

 

Take care of you... WORK on you... and forget her...

 

My last LTR was costic... with some similarities to your marriage... She cheated on me... and left me for the OM... I fell apart.. did all the wrong things... but in time.. (2 years... I totally got her out of my system)

 

But.. I never learned a damn thing about me... I only learned.. that I would never be with a woman... like her again... (and I stuck to my word)

 

Relationships like this... can damage you... for along time... Because I learned nothing about me... that relationship effected mine with DW... in that... I was always guarded.. to a certain extent... I know now that I never showed her... 100% my love for her..

 

Learn now.. about you... don't let this...be a monkey on your back for the rest of your life.

 

Your W has given you a gift... to take this time.. to get to know you.

 

Now GO DO IT!!.... and report back to us when you are done....

 

ilmw

[aaaaaiiiiieeeee]

Maybe that's it. I don't feel I've done all I can, but Gunny is right I'm pinning after a woman that's treated me with complete disdain.

 

I feel like I'm being bullied into filing for divorce only b/c I'm too scared to face her. Using Gunny's metaphor I know there is a whole lot more pudding out there, but I'm addicted to this particular flavor.

[ilmw]

Maybe that's it. I don't feel I've done all I can, but Gunny is right I'm pinning after a woman that's treated me with complete disdain.

 

I feel like I'm being bullied into filing for divorce only b/c I'm too scared to face her. Using Gunny's metaphor I know there is a whole lot more pudding out there, but I'm addicted to this particular flavor.

 

Then its time to go COLD TURKEY! No Contact... !

 

and work 110% on YOU.

[MoonGirl]

Maybe that's it. I don't feel I've done all I can, but Gunny is right I'm pinning after a woman that's treated me with complete disdain.

 

I feel like I'm being bullied into filing for divorce only b/c I'm too scared to face her. Using Gunny's metaphor I know there is a whole lot more pudding out there, but I'm addicted to this particular flavor.

 

I agree with Gunny and ilmw,

 

Your wife hasn't given you the chance to do everything you can... and I think trying to fix a marriage with someone as emotionally damaged as your wife would be next to impossible. Just be thankful you don't have children with her and move on. Don't feel bad that you didn't try everything you could. For pete's sake, your wife has told you that she wishes you were dead, and she is sleeping with another man! She hasn't taken her vows seriously, so why should you? Get over this woman and find an emotionally stable woman who respects you if you want to be with someone.

[aaaaaiiiiieeeee]

I can appreciate... the confusion you are going through. This is all very hard to deal with.

 

But... you have got to take a stand. I'm curious to know what you have done thus far to try and improve your situation/ self. You will read allot on her ... if you have not already done so... about books on relationships and self help. Have done any reading?

 

I'm trying to follow so many different threads.. that I'm not sure if you ever mentioned the above.

 

The reason I mention this.. is... It help me immensely. Help me to see.. things about myself. Things I did not like. Helped me identify certain characteristics that had changed ... how I had un-become ... who I actually did like. All the reading.. mixed with some good IC.. opened up a new door. I was able to recognise "demons" from my past.. that had held me back... emotionally. As well.. unresolved grief... and anger.. (things way back in my past)

 

Now none of this has to do with your W.... she is not the concern here. YOU ARE. Get working on you... sort your Sh*t out...

 

 

Your W has given you a gift... to take this time.. to get to know you.

 

Now GO DO IT!!.... and report back to us when you are done....

 

ilmw

 

I've read just about everything on coping with divorce and infidelity. I've always gone to the gym so I've just been hitting it harder. Keeping busy with the huge workload of finishing school and starting a business with a friend. I might have just had her up on a really high pedestal. I've been NC for 2+ months now. Well she's called a few times and emailed a number of times as well, but never with anything nice to say, and I've replied but have decided as of the last email to reply no longer.

 

How long was the LTR it took you 2 years to get through? I don't want to close myself in and want to be in love again, but just can't see myself with anyone else, not yet anyways.