Now what?

[bhsunny21]

First off, I would like to thank you all for your previous comments to my threads in the past and welcome any advice or comments in the future...

 

I have a probably rather common situation. I met a wonderful guy about 8 months ago and we began dating about 3 weeks after meeting. This lasted about 4 months, where things were good, but something was just not right. I think it was a mixture of us moving a little too fast and him not being ready for a true commitment at the time. This is because he had just ended a pretty serious relationship right before starting one with me.

 

The dating relationship we had ended fairly well, but I did not talk to him or see him for about 2 months after we ended. I was hurt that he did not want to be with me at that time, but he didn't say he never wanted things to happen. We just met at a bad time. After that 2 months, I realized how much I missed our friendship and got in contact with him, figuring I was over my feelings for him in that way.

 

Since September we have grown so much in our friendship. And that is all it has been. A platonic friendship. We talk everyday at work and at home, confide in each other, go out for dinner, movies and so forth, have asked for opinions on dates, ect. Along the way somewhere, however, my old feelings started to creep up on me. I started getting the twinges of jealousy when he would talk about someone he went out with and I was beginning to compare every man I went out with to him.

 

After confiding in a friend of mine, she told me that I had to tell him one day. Just to put my mind at rest. So, I told him. He said that he knew that I was probably feeling that way and that he had thought about it too. He said that he compares other women to me and that he loves me more than life itself. But he wants to remain friends for right now. He told me that he is afraid of pushing things and having them turn out the way they had before, because he doesn't want to lose me forever. I can understand this, but I the biggest question still lingers:

 

How can I go on with the relationship the same way now that he knows how I feel and I now knows how he feels?

 

He told me he doesn't want to change things, but it is. I won't be able to be the same around him. My friends say to just let him go and move on. In a way, I feel the same, for that is the only way that I will get over him. But, on the other hand, I don't want to lose the greatest thing in my life as a friend.

 

I don't know if anyone can help me but myself. I am sorry this has gotten as long as it has. I don't care for long threads myself. Any help in the situation would be great. Thank you for everything.

[Tony T]

We cannot write your life script for you so we can't tell you how to govern your feelings while this "friendship" is in the mode it's in.

 

However, I will tell you that if you continue to be around him you will be living a lie. The lie will be that you will be there for the express purpose of being on hand if and when his feelings change and he wants more from the relationship. You will be there because you are willing, for some reason, to tolerate a platonic friendship when what you really want is romance.

 

You don't want to pretent to be his great friend when you are in love with him and have him come up to you one day and invite you to his wedding...that's painful!!!

 

You'll be putting yourself through a lot of hurt if you stick around right now. He was really trying to tell you in a very nice way that he doesn't want to go your way now. It's obvious because he is seeking romance with other women. Take a cold shower and see what's happening here!!!

 

None of this makes him a bad guy at all. But I've been in these situations before. Friendships can turn romantic but they have to do it naturally in their own good time. The one you're in just isn't doing it right now. You cannot be a real friend to him if you're wanting more.

 

My advice to you is to tell him straight away that considering the way your feelings for him are intensifying, it would not be honest to remain in his presence as a friend. Let him know that if ever he would like to be more than friends, you would be open to that but for now the two of you need to minimize contact.

 

There is simply no other way. And don't get your hopes up either. It could be that he really likes you a lot but he knows he's not ready and he wants to play. He doesn't want to involve you in that and hurt you more. Let him play...let him live his life the way he needs to...and go out and look for romance elsewhere.

 

If he comes around later on, fine. If not, you'll be ahead of the game by getting over him and moving toward Mr. Right.

[CityGyrl]

I think it would be a little premature to end a perfectly otherwise good friendship based on the fact that there are feelings there. I'm glad he was able to admit to you that he still had feelings for you but that he didn't want things to end up like the last time.

 

I think you still should be friends. But with that friendship should come limitations. While you can still enjoy each other's company, you also have to step away from time to time and do things with apart from him. Go out with girlfriends or go on dates with other people. Keep yourself busy so that your primary focus is not on him. If it was meant for you two to get back together than it will happen. But I think when you force things to happen too soon than you set yourself up for failure. You'll be surprised that the more and more that he sees you are not sweating him than that might cause him to think twice about how important you really are to him. It might not mean that there will be an immediate relationship either. But at least he will know that the sun does not always rise and set around him. Enjoy your singleness!

[midori]

I think that you ought to be very honest with yourself: can you be happy with this guy's friendship if that's all it ever amounts to? Take your time answering that question. Return to it more than once, over the course of several days.

 

You've got to hear what he's saying now: he doesn't want a relationship with you. Maybe for internal reasons that he needs to sort out -- it's easy to believe that's the case. But maybe it's something else; maybe you're just not what he envisions for himself, but he's not going to admit that to you (because it makes him look shallow or might hurt you). You don't know what his reasons are, but it would be foolish to operate with the assumption that you know better than he does, that sooner or later he'll come around to your way of thinking. You'll set yourself up for enormous disappointment that way.

 

From what you've written, it sounds to me like you haven't been completely honest with yourself about what you want with him even up to this point: "I was hurt that he did not want to be with me at that time, but he didn't say he never wanted things to happen. We just met at a bad time. After that 2 months, I realized how much I missed our friendship and got in contact with him, figuring I was over my feelings for him in that way." Obviously you didn't read yourself right. Fair enough, we all do that. But that ought to tell you that you're not going to be good at seeing the lay of the land where this guy, and your feelings for him, are concerned. More caution than usual would be a good idea. Putting a positive spin on your prospects for happiness with him, or overestimating your ability to be happy as just his friend, would be a bad idea.

 

But if, after lots of pondering, you decide that you could be happy with just his friendship, then sure, why not maintain it -- provided that you really really have no further expectations. It doesn't sound like that's the case.

 

Don't create a situation where you're building hopes that have nothing to do with his reality. Don't assume that you know what's in his heart. A present relationship that's based on hopes for the future rather than on the current satisfaction it brings is likely to cause pain and resentment, because those hopes are never a sure thing.

 

Take it from someone who knows because she's been there.

[bhsunny21]

I thank you all for your advice. I have basically moved on from spending a lot of time with him and have gone to doing my own thing. I knew that I would have to limit the amount of time that I was devoting to him, since I was never going to move on otherwise. We got together for the first time in 3 weeks last night for a short time and things seemed ok. It isn't like it used to be, but perhaps that will come with time. In the mean time, I am enjoying my friends and going out with different people. I think the whole experience ended up being a good one because I learned a lot.

 

Thanks again all!