How do I get her to trust me again?

[Hoping for the Dream]

I was hoping for some advice from everyone on how I can save my marriage. Let me start off by saying that I love me wife very much and understand why she doesn't trust me. She is asking for a seperation and I want to do everything I can to save our marriage and family. We have been married about 2 years and have really had a rollercoaster ride since day 1. Let me provide a little background.

 

My wife and I dated for 5 years before getting engaged and moving in together. During our engagement my wife called off the marriage because she was unsure what she wanted. During that "break" we both saw other people, however I was the only one who was really "intimate" with anyone else. I lied to my wife initially about being with another woman and then found out that I had contracted a curable STD that I eventually gave to my wife. Now she was obvisouly very upset at me on multiple levels. One, she did not understand how I could "get over" her so quickly (this occured 2 months after our breakup). We had been together for 5 years and were engaged.

 

My response to her, whether valid or not, was that she called off the wedding and I was embarrassed, depressed, lonely, and really had a don't give a f*** attitude. I begged her to talk to me and tell me what she was thinking but she really didn't want to discuss our "break" at the time. I was living on couches of friends and really just made a bad judment in a moment of confusion and weakness while drunk. It is not a good excuse but this girl met noting to me. Fast forward 2 years and my wife is still very upset at me over it. She still doesn't understand why I did it and more importantly why I lied to her. Well, I don't really know why I did it either but I know why I lied to her. I was trying to protect myself and to keep her opinion of me high. Why doesn't she understand this.

 

I was trying to cover myself and really was embarrassed and ashamed I was with another woman. Well, now I problem has been that I have lied to my wife since this incident after we married. None of the lies have been over anything serious. I lied to her several times over talking to an old high school female friend (who is married with children and lives out of town). She doesn's understand why I did this and once again I did it because I assumed she would get angry and jealous and I didn't want to get an earful from her over something I know was completely incident. I just recently lied to her over giving a female co-worker of mine a birthday card. Once again, completely harmless and not a big deal, but she keeps questioning why I lie about these stupid things when it concerns other women.

 

 

I tell her it is because I perceive her to be weird about me being friends with other women. She has made snide comments several times about this women and derogatory statments about "how we are such sweet friend" etc. I lied to her because I didn't want to deal with your comments and get in a fight over something so stupid. Do you see the pattern. My wife now thinks I lie all the time, which I really don't. For some reason, I am lieing to protect her image of me and avoid what I perceive to me your mistrust of me with other women etc. I know that she is still very upset about my "hooking up" with a women when she broke off our engagement. This was a very painful and ugly time in our relationship that my wife has told me she will never forgive me for. My problem now is that I am lying about other completely innocent situations to protect my wife's "image" of me.

 

I am not doing anything shady, but as many of you know we lying, once you lie about something the first time you have to keep lying to keep the story. My wife thinks I can't be trusted, which I understand. My problem is that I can be trusted. I just think I have an inferiority complex right now because I so want her to forgive me for being with another woman and initially lying about it when we broke up. I so want to live up to this image of a great guy and don't want her to make a big deal about me being nice to other women because I think she is going to get jealous or in most cases bring up my indescretions when we were apart. How can I fix this? I know I have kind of dug my own grave here, but I just don't think this is something you end a marriage and family over. My wife doesn't want to hear my apologies or "lame" excuses. She thinks I am some sort of pathological liar. I am not I have only lied to her about the 3 instances above and they were all to either get my marriage back or keep away from away what I anticipated to be stupid jealously fights over completely un-important instances. What do I do?

[Ladyjane14]

During our engagement my wife called off the marriage because she was unsure what she wanted.

 

What were the issues which led to her being "unsure"?

I kind of doubt that she's resolved them, whatever they were. Even though she did agree to marry you... I think there's a good possibility that those issues still exist.

 

My response to her, whether valid or not, was that she called off the wedding and I was embarrassed, depressed, lonely, and really had a don't give a f*** attitude. I begged her to talk to me and tell me what she was thinking but she really didn't want to discuss our "break" at the time.

 

There's your communication problem right there. How can you explain what you were feeling if she won't listen or atttempt to gain understanding?

 

Look, you're AFRAID to speak your mind to your wife. Her reaction has been so negative that you can't be honest without being attacked. Yeah... you screwed up during the first separation, but you know what?... she screwed up too. Because it's not right to withhold forgiveness when you've already committed yourself to giving it. You can't take somebody back and then keep them in the doghouse, right?

 

Now that might not be what she intended to do... but if you can't talk to her without having your ears slapped back, then what's the difference"? IOW, if you perceive yourself to be living in that doghouse... for all intents and purposes, you ARE.

 

You want your wife back. But... unless the communications can be improved, getting your wife back will not be a good thing for you in the long run.

 

Maybe your best bet would be to commit yourself to living authentically, honest in EVERYTHING you say or do... and devil take the hindmost. That way, if she has a problem with any given situation, the onus is on her to speak up about it, at which point the matter can be addressed.

 

Up 'til now, you've avoided conflict, but it's healthier to search out problems and weaknesses so you can resolve them before they get out of hand.

 

Conflict can be a healthy thing when you learn how to handle it in a positive way, and good communications is the key to it. This is how problems get SOLVED.

 

Conflict Avoidance, on the other hand, is a relationship killer. The more assiduously you commit to avoiding conflict... the more tempted you are to be dishonest. IOW, if you can avoid conflict by lying, your temptation is going to be to do so.

 

You're feeling really bad and guilty. But you aren't the only one who has made mistakes. I don't think she's been honest with you about resolving her doubts before the marriage, and I don't think she's been fair to you in maintaining her forgiveness or in creating an environment which is conducive to open discussion.

 

If she can't meet you halfway... you're just spinning your wheels. With that in mind, I think it's okay to show a little backbone and call her on her junk. You have nothing to lose which isn't already lost if postitive communications can never be attained.

[Prudence]

Hoping, I was really with you until you got to the part about lying to your wife about talking to an old girlfriend and lying about a card for a female co-worker. Now, objectively, it does look like you have a pattern of deceit and keeping things from your wife. Do you want a marriage based on lies?

 

At the same time, it sounds like your wife does not want to listen to you and does not want to forgive your past mistake/bad judgement. She should understand that you guys were not dating at the time. Your explanation of why you had sex with another woman sounds perfectly reasonable to me. If you had been honest from that point forward, things might be different.

 

Sounds like you guys need to really hash some things out. I guess I don't really have any advice, but those are my thoughts. I feel for you for going through a painful time like this and feeling frustrated and wanting to save your marriage. I hope it will work out for you!