For the BS who have forgiven...

[BeenAround_N_Back]

Hi,

 

I am a BS who has regressed through the different stages of grief since the discovery of the A since a year ago. I suddenly find it hard to see myself how I am able to forgive my H for the A. For those who have forgiven the A... what made you forgive the A? Did you do it for the kids when you see what a good parent they are for the kids? Did you forgive when you see that the WS has paid for their sins? Did you forgive when the WS appeared to be truly remorseful of the adultery? Another thing is, how do you know you have forgiven the adultery? When you can get to a point where you can think about the A without feeling the dissappointment, anger, saddness or the betrayal? When you can think about it without emotions? I guess I thought I had a good handle of accepting the A and suddenly - BOOM - I am back into hatred and anger and sadess and feeling so betrayed.

 

Thanks

BeenAround_N_Back

[SadrBtWizr]

Forgiveness begins with a true acknowledgement of the hurt that was done. For many years, I "forgave" by marginalizing my own pain. That's not forgiveness, that's justification.

 

So, the reality is you feel betrayed because you were betrayed.

 

You need:

1. Validation - the hurt is real.

2. To understand that you have the right to revenge, justice etc.

3. Choose not to take the revenge, justice etc.

 

Understand that this is a daily choice. It sounds like you are choosing to forgive. But, you need to heal. Do you have someone to talk to? Do you read the bible, have a pastor? A councelor?

 

You hurt. That's real. The wound is not healing. That's also real.

[outofdarkness]

Hi,

The forgiveness is really for YOU! Odd as it sounds, it really helps you to move on and live your life...I can't answer your questions because I don't really now how long, and how, etc...It DOES take time, patience and cooperation from the CH...Alot of reassurance is needed quite often during especially the first year. The second year, IF he has given you what you need to bring closure to that chapter in your life, and has answered your questions, gone to therapy w/ you and made himself available to you and your kids; if you have any, in every way possible. Any old behaviors associated w/ his cheating mean that he is still in "that world" and it will be impossible for you to rebuild trust and build a new marriage based on a new foundation...In my case already. Many couples find that they can go back to what their M was originally built upon and go from here. Our's required a new one from the ground up, as I do not think we really knew each other and our needs from the beginning. It also requires YOU to acknowledge any part you might have played in the deterioration of the M. I do NOT mean for you to say that you CAUSED him to cheat!!! This is NEVER the case. There is NEVER an excuse for cheating. I just mean that there may be problems in the M that you were not aware of from the beginning. Meet w/ an MC to hash this out.

 

Some don't make it and decide they just can't ever forgive and move on. I believe that part of being an "adult" in situations like this is admitting to ourselves that we just can't do it and moving on. Instead of fighting something that is just never going to work, sometimes it just needs to be let go of. Every situation/m is different and unique...Write out what you need and/or tell your MC, see if he's willing/able to provide those things in order to rebuild the M and the trust that was lost.

 

If you need any more advise or just a listening ear, pm me..I'm happy to share MY experiences. I am now alittle over 2 years out...and yes, we're still M...

[Curmudgeon]

Hi,The forgiveness is really for YOU! Odd as it sounds, it really helps you to move on and live your life.

 

I forgave the ex several years after I divorced her. She doesn't know it and she doesn't have to. She likely never will. I did it for me, not her. It did away with the burdens of anger, disappointment and resentment and cut the last emotional tie I had with her, and a negative one at that.

[Romeo Must Die]

Welcome to the merry go round. Sometimes it's scary. You have to go through it to get past it. There is no faking through reconcilliation or doing things when you arent ready. You dont have to forgive, however, you can make peace in your heart and start to believe that things can be better. So, even if you can't forgive right now, you could at least start with faith and see where that leads you.

 

I think the essential thing to do is to see R as a new relationship, and stay focused on the present. It's the little things in life that matter. You somehow resolve it in your heart. The anger fades and you understand that sometimes it takes jeopardy for people to realize what they had. You cant just turn off your feelings and throw them away out of fear.

 

Love is risking getting your heart broken.

 

Reconcilliation is actually a new commitment. You have been through something very traumatic and it's going to take time to grieve that. You just have to cry it out until there is no more tears left and you realize you still have each other and you just count your blessings.

 

Like I said, it's the simple things in life, to have someone we can be close with. For better or worse, right. There are people that have worse problems, like what if your husband died, for example? There are alot of grieving widows who would just like to have their husbands back, but they could never have another chance for something that we take for granted. He's with me every night and I know he is going to be there when I wake up.

 

[silktricks]

A year isn't really very long yet, and if you convinced yourself early on that you forgave, then you probably didn't allow yourself to go through all of the emotions yet. It took me probably 2 years, maybe a little more, maybe a little less.

 

Do I ever think about it? Of course, it's an event that happened in our life, and it's not as if you forgive and therefore excise a memory. It does cross my mind on occasion, and when it does, I feel some of the pain and even a little of the anger that I felt before, but it's very very minimal compared to the ongoing obsessive anger and pain that I felt for the first couple of years. I never did feel the need for revenge on either my husband or the OW, though. I was more into suicide than murder, if you get my drift.

 

For me, I didn't forgive for any of the reasons you asked. I forgave because I honestly felt that what we had before was worth the work. I forgave because I could see and own my part of the problems in our relationship, and because he owned his part, and didn't ever tell me that I caused his actions. I told him that if he could stick with me through what I was going to go through, that I thought we could come out of it the otherside, but that I knew it was going to be difficult for both of us. It has been - very difficult - but for us it's been worth it.

[Guest]

Silktricks is right - the timescale for this process is scarily huge. It is now 20 months since I first had evidence of my wife's affair, and 15 months since she last spoke to the rat.

 

This is a bit of a watershed for me as they were sleeping together for 20 months by the time I found out, and you know what? It seems like AGES since I found out, so by default they were sleeping together for ages, and THAT gets me angry all over again!

 

There has not been a day in the last 18 months when I haven't woken up, and for a split second, wondered why I felt so sad. then it has hit me. My reaction has moderated over time, but sometimes I have relapses and just get incredibly sad, and sometimes angry.

 

What I am trying to say is that it just seems to go on and on. The only faint glimmer of hope is the knowledge that it HAS got easier bit by bit, and I AM beginning to be able to control my emotions just a little bit. I sincerely hope this continues, because I genuinely believe that I have forgotten how it feels to be no-holds-barred, honest-to goodness, plain old happy. No shadows, no demons, no "but"s. And that is after nearly a year and a half!

[IfWishesWereHorses]

I don't think that the answer to the problem starts with forgiveness. The answer starts with letting it go. Unfortunately you have to grieve first. Then you let it go and accept TOTAL responsibility for your own happiness. At THIS point it will be easy to forgive! Good luck to you!

[silktricks]

What I am trying to say is that it just seems to go on and on. The only faint glimmer of hope is the knowledge that it HAS got easier bit by bit, and I AM beginning to be able to control my emotions just a little bit. I sincerely hope this continues, because I genuinely believe that I have forgotten how it feels to be no-holds-barred, honest-to goodness, plain old happy. No shadows, no demons, no "but"s. And that is after nearly a year and a half!

 

It does take a long long time. Far longer than the cheater would like to believe!! But it continues to get better. It's been close to three years since my H ended it and about 2.5 since he told me about it. Most of the time now it doesn't enter my thoughts. And when it does, I can shoo it back out.

[BeenAround_N_Back]

I only wish that I can think about the A and not be able to get worked up about it.... sometimes I think I can shoo it back but sometimes I get so angry and feel so betrayed and dissappointed that the emotions are so strong that I am unable to shoo it away... and sometimes I even have thoughts of getting even... but my morals won't allow me to do that and I know in the long run, it won't make me feel better.... I have these set backs where I sometimes wish that maybe it would have been better and less painful if my H had left me for the OW because frankly, if they were able to do this behind their spouses back then they deserve each other....

[outofdarkness]

It does take a long long time. Far longer than the cheater would like to believe!! But it continues to get better. It's been close to three years since my H ended it and about 2.5 since he told me about it. Most of the time now it doesn't enter my thoughts. And when it does, I can shoo it back out.

Yep, I agree that it does get better as time goes on. I too, am 2.5 years out, and I can't even BEGIN to compare how I am now to how I was that first year. It's like night and day...

[IfWishesWereHorses]

I only wish that I can think about the A and not be able to get worked up about it.... sometimes I think I can shoo it back but sometimes I get so angry and feel so betrayed and dissappointed that the emotions are so strong that I am unable to shoo it away... and sometimes I even have thoughts of getting even... but my morals won't allow me to do that and I know in the long run, it won't make me feel better.... I have these set backs where I sometimes wish that maybe it would have been better and less painful if my H had left me for the OW because frankly, if they were able to do this behind their spouses back then they deserve each other....

 

 

Ofcourse you feel the need to get back at him! Consider yourself lucky to be smart enough though to know that that will only add to your problems alot of people just react. A year in I also couldn't stop dreaming of ways to torture him! You're right that part of what makes it so very hard to get over is the injustice. It isn't as if you can say how unfortunate it was then get on with your life. Not if you're staying. I think that there comes a point when you have to accept what has happened and move on. I filed for divorce and let him talk me out of it at the last minute a year after D day so everything kind of started over again. I remember shear panic evertime he walked out of the door.

 

Finally a friend sat me down after I had fallen apart for the 3rd time in a week and explained to me that if WS slept with 1 or 20 people that day or even noone that my day still consist of 24 hours and that I was choosing to spend it making my self crazy. He said these are the things which you can control and these are the things of which you have no control. I tossed this around for a few weeks and then on a particularly bad day(wh trying to pick up a woman right in front of me - she was mortified!) I snapped in a good way.

 

I found myself laughing instead of anger and bile rising up from my gut and since that day I have had peace for the first time that I can remember. I'm no longer angry at him, I DON'T CARE enough to be. I like me! I have tons of friends and family who love and need me and I have allowed this situation to take me away from them and change who I was. The grieving and healing time are necessary but if you are going to stay then at some point you have to decide that ONLY YOU have the power to get over those feelings that are controlling you.

 

NOW, that said, I must admit that sex is still very hard for me, I no longer enjoy it at all, I make lists in my head or what ever I can do to detatch, but what can you expect. What I don't do is dread it or whine about it, I get it over with with a smile on my face!

 

You are absolutely right about the OW and WS deserving each other! I hear OW say to BS's all the time here that the BS just wants to take their anger out on the OW. YEAH, RIGHT! The ultimate revenge would be for the OW to have him IMHO!

[silktricks]

NOW, that said, I must admit that sex is still very hard for me, I no longer enjoy it at all, I make lists in my head or what ever I can do to detatch, but what can you expect. What I don't do is dread it or whine about it, I get it over with with a smile on my face!

 

You are absolutely right about the OW and WS deserving each other! I hear OW say to BS's all the time here that the BS just wants to take their anger out on the OW. YEAH, RIGHT! The ultimate revenge would be for the OW to have him IMHO!

 

Sweetie, are you sure that you want to remain in this relationship? It doesn't sound like a healthy one for you.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

LOL, it absolutely has not been healthy! Right now its the best choice though and it only has as much power over me as I allow it. If I left today I would not be out there looking for "true love" or a man to make me happy so for the time being I can accept that romantic love isn't something that is available to me. Tough Tits. Life isn't fair, we are not all dealt the same hand. I'm not gonna shed one more tear about it. The blessing in all of this is that I've learned more about myself and about life in the last 2 years than I did in the first 40!

[silktricks]

Well, for sure life isn't fair!! :laugh:

 

You don't need to be out there looking for romantic love, but if your H is still treating you shabbily (trying to pick someone up in FRONT of you??? my Gawd! ) Maybe things would just be better for you by yourself. There's more to life than men and more to life than romantic love, but it certainly adds some wonderful flavor.

 

Obviously I know nothing about your situation, and self-awareness is a great thing, but I hate to see someone settle for a position in life - and 42?? is not too old to start over!! I knew someone who got divorced at 80!! because she just wanted some part of her life to be her own .

 

If you spend intimate time with your H just trying to keep detached you are cheating yourself. Your life is too empty and noone deserves that.

[BeenAround_N_Back]

I totally agree that the ultimate is that the WS and the OW end up with each other!!! Haha Honestly... I find that I get so angry and depressed that the only way to cope is detachment... when I get that way, I come across as cold. My H says that I am pushing him away when I do this... well.... that's TOUGH beans.... either that or I am going to go insane with these emotions floating through my head. Sometimes I think that I am not strong enough.. that is why I stayed... but then maybe it's the other way around.. I am strong... is that why I am staying... who knows... somtimes I wonder if maybe I don't love him enough, that is why i am able to stay when when he has strayed. Sometimes, I get these thoughts where I am secretly hoping that I could catch him cheatiing for a second time so that it would give me a reason to leave. Maybe I am just looking for any excuse to get off this rollercoaster that I am on... Am I messed up or what?!!

[IfWishesWereHorses]

This is something that has always confused me. It takes so long to get over the hurt and pain even just to the point where it doesn't consume your every breath. How though can the WS (who I realize put us in this situation) care to be around us because no matter how hard you try to mask it,the emotions you have bottled up are strong enough to be observed by anyone. (Complete strangers have stopped me many times and asked me why I was so sad:eek: )

 

There is a country song that I cannot even bare to listen to because I saw myself in it. I think it's called "angry all the time" or something like that. Gut wretching. How could anyone enjoy me when I couldn't enjoy one minute of my day?

 

I don't feel like that anymore, thank God. GUEST posted this:

 

There has not been a day in the last 18 months when I haven't woken up, and for a split second, wondered why I felt so sad.

 

Every morning for two years I woke up opened my eyes and before I could get out a good yawn, BOOM, "the day would punch me right in the gut". That's how it felt. You become conscious and remember. The air gets knocked right out of you. It's been several weeks for me and I haven't started my day like that ONCE!!!!!!

 

I think that detatching only gets you though, kinda like a stiff drink. You've got to let it go. When the day no longer punches you in the gut then maybe that's a sign that you're there. (I hope, I hope, I hope! )