I want to tell her so bad

[pricillia]

But stop myself because I know that if I do, it will define me even more as a terrible person.

 

It is bad enough that I have stayed in this relationship as long as I have...I am trying to figure out why, but reguardless last thursday/friday is where be both have had enough... he was his nasty self when I did not call him back, the next day he called me in the afternoon and was yelling at me for not calling him back when I started to talk he hung up on me... that set things in motion in my mind and when he did call me I coldy asked him what he wanted... I think it was justified, but he yet again hung me which promted either of us to call eachother for 5 days...

 

I called him to talk to him and he is being his cold self when his wall goes up!

 

So tonight guys I am going to end this affair with him even though I know he wants to, because quite frankly I think she knows.

 

I have a frog ( so to speak in my throat)

 

I even question if I should spend the time investing conversation with him but I feel face to face resolution needed as I feel it will make me feel better in a way.

 

I should have listened to my instinct when in the beginning but I did not.

 

any input on how I should kindly compassionately talk to him about how I feel his mistrust towards me drove me crazy and the fact that he is not honest not only with me but with himself...

 

I know now I can not save him.

 

The last time we had a huge fight was because he said overheard someone telling another that I had a crush on someone, but that was that persons perspective... he would not belive me and looked at me with distrust.

 

I am asking for help... no bashing please!

[sb129]

P- your situation sounds really similar to mine when I was with exMM.

 

IMO- get out. Realise your self worth, realise you deserve more than him dumping his rubbish on you. get out while your self esteem is still intact.

It is unlikely that is will get any better in the near future.

 

There IS a fatihful, monogamous, wonderful man out there for you.

 

But right now he is single and waiting to hear from you!

 

 

[sb129]

Don't tell her.

 

Walk away with your head held high.

 

She is married to him. She will eventually realise what a rat she has married. Its not your responsibilty to tell her.

[pricillia]

The funny thing is it seems he can feel free to mistreat me... when I protest or give it right back to him, it is all my fault...

 

And I feel when we do fight it is because he thinks I am seeing multiple men...

 

I will never do that ever.. he could never believe that.

[lindya]

I even question if I should spend the time investing conversation with him but I feel face to face resolution needed as I feel it will make me feel better in a way.

 

I should have listened to my instinct when in the beginning but I did not.

 

any input on how I should kindly compassionately talk to him about how I feel his mistrust towards me drove me crazy and the fact that he is not honest not only with me but with himself...

 

If you show him too much kindness and compassion, might he see that as you leaving the door slightly ajar for him? I think when you really want someone out of your life, being very definite and clear about that is often the top priority, because getting roped into giving in depth explanations for not wanting to be with that person can end up being a bit of a trap.

 

It gives them an opening to argue about how you're wrong in your perceptions of them, the situation etc. An opportunity to try to wheedle you out of your decision...which just makes the whole process more messy and painful for both of you. These long drawn out break up conversations sometimes just provide further painful material for your subsequent solitary analysis, rather than providing any real resolution.

[sb129]

The funny thing is it seems he can feel free to mistreat me... when I protest or give it right back to him, it is all my fault...

 

And I feel when we do fight it is because he thinks I am seeing multiple men...

 

I will never do that ever.. he could never believe that.

 

doo do doo do doo do doo do.

 

It feels like a repeat of my story P....

 

He mistreats you because he doesnt value you. He is jealous because he is aware that cheating is possible--- he is doing it!!!

 

get rid sweetheart. You deserve better.

[Guest]

Pricillia,

You have more crap from your mm than I have from mine and I never thought that was possible.

 

The fact that he has a trust issue is quite common if he himself has self esteem issues. He cheats, so he thinks everyone is capable of it.My mm said that not every mm has the character to have an affair as if it was a bloody virtue!

 

Anyway all this phone banging down etc is upsetting and emotionally draining.

 

He probably is under pressure at home and then you are not playing ball so he is getting it from all angles. But rather than take responsibility for that, he will try and blame you. Personally he doesn't sound a good long term bet even if he did leave, and seems to have huge personal issues which only he can sort out.

 

He is in definite turmoil, melt down state, and if you don't want to go down with him, then I think that finishing it (if that is what you really want) or backing right off for a few months is a good idea and he will have to back off too and sort himself out.

[silktricks]

Leave him. He's a jerk, and he treats you terribly. When you have him purged from your system you are going to look back on this time and wonder what you ever saw in him, and why you hesitated dumping him for even a moment.

 

His wife may very well already know. I don't think I'd tell her if I were you, simply because it could lead to some even worse behavior on his part.

 

Do like SB said. Walk away with your head held high.

[sb129]

The only reason I know this works is cos its WHAT I DID.. and i didn't look back once..

[frannie]

Until now I would say 'don't tell'... but you know... I read a thread the other day on another forum here... and it was from a man who had two OW.. and he didn't love either of them.. and he 'didn't want to hurt' his wife.. and he was going on about how he felt he was in a big mess... blah blah....

 

... people advising him were saying how he owed it to his wife to tell her how much he had messed up... and he was saying no... he thought he should not... because of this that and the other... and people said again.. no tell her! she needs to know so she can make a decision about her life...! And he was saying no no no...

 

And I am betting that your thread will be full of people (from all sides of this site...) saying no, it's not your place to tell her. And I'm thinking... hello... a wife 'needs to know' but not from the OW..? well hello... MM/WS isn't going to tell.

 

If YOU want to tell because you feel it would make YOU feel better. And on other forums people are saying the W has a 'right to know' then what the hay... tell her. Go on. I think it's right. People only say 'don't tell' when it is in the OW's interests...ever noticed that..?

 

Want to end an affair..?

 

Then tell the W. If you think you can do it and walk away feeling better, tell her. Why not?

 

(my pov right now... and open for debate)

[frannie]

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t113742/

 

this is the story I was thinking of. I think it says a lot about some affair situations. Don't get drawn into thinking it's something it's not. If it's not... then don't hesitate to tell her. That's what I think.

[sb129]

The only reason i am saying NOT to tell her is that it embroils P further into the situation, and its probably better for her(p) if she doesn't.

[frannie]

The only reason i am saying NOT to tell her is that it embroils P further into the situation, and its probably better for her(p) if she doesn't.

 

I agree... don't tell if you think you're going to be worse off.

 

If a woman in an affair will be better off from the telling... tell. That's my (relatively new) view. Why not..? My new view is... that an OW as much as anyone, needs to act from her own self-interest. Everyone else will, won't they..? So... get acting.

 

I'll certainly be around to support anyone on this forum acting to support themselves once IN a crappy OW situation! It's the quickest way out.

[Kwo-ne'-she]

I think the wife should be told. Not in a mean, spiteful way. A bunch of details aren't neccessary, nor a long talk. Just tell the facts briefly, then move on and let it go.

 

If I were the wife, I would want to know. Some say, "not your place to tell", and "she will figure him out eventually"....maybe not. If all of his OW keep his secrets, the wife may never know. She deserves the truth, so that she can make informed decisions about if she wants to spend her life with a man who is a cheater.

[pricillia]

Until now I would say 'don't tell'... but you know... I read a thread the other day on another forum here... and it was from a man who had two OW.. and he didn't love either of them.. and he 'didn't want to hurt' his wife.. and he was going on about how he felt he was in a big mess... blah blah....

 

... people advising him were saying how he owed it to his wife to tell her how much he had messed up... and he was saying no... he thought he should not... because of this that and the other... and people said again.. no tell her! she needs to know so she can make a decision about her life...! And he was saying no no no...

 

And I am betting that your thread will be full of people (from all sides of this site...) saying no, it's not your place to tell her. And I'm thinking... hello... a wife 'needs to know' but not from the OW..? well hello... MM/WS isn't going to tell.

 

If YOU want to tell because you feel it would make YOU feel better. And on other forums people are saying the W has a 'right to know' then what the hay... tell her. Go on. I think it's right. People only say 'don't tell' when it is in the OW's interests...ever noticed that..?

 

Want to end an affair..?

 

Then tell the W. If you think you can do it and walk away feeling better, tell her. Why not?

 

(my pov right now... and open for debate)

 

 

Why not...

 

I think and this is I think that he is with her for financial reasons...

 

He has a son living with him from another marriage, and I think a son with her...

 

This could ruin him financially and I just don't know if it is up to me to be that gosh darn cruel...

 

as I said this could be a defining moment, and I just don't know if in light of all of this if I could be the cause of destruction.

 

I have told him before that this could not last forever.. and he would cry...

 

But for us he is contantly pushing and prodding in trying to find out if I am with another, the answer is always no..

 

I feel that I am a independant girl... I need my space, but that does not include... F**King any man that shows interest.

 

I am trying to realize that although he is a cheater, he is still a person that has dreams and desires and yes weaknesses.

 

If I met him knowing what I know would I befriend him, would I care, everyone deserves support, but can it come from me?

 

He was talking about sending his son(from the other marriage) back home out of the country because his son is having trouble. I told him that I thought that would be a big big mistake and he said well he still may do it.

 

The next day he told me that he is not going to send his son back and that he just needs to be more patient with him, I wonder if I made an impression on him in regurds to that...

[sb129]

I think the wife should be told. Not in a mean, spiteful way. A bunch of details aren't neccessary, nor a long talk. Just tell the facts briefly, then move on and let it go.

 

If I were the wife, I would want to know. Some say, "not your place to tell", and "she will figure him out eventually"....maybe not. If all of his OW keep his secrets, the wife may never know. She deserves the truth, so that she can make informed decisions about if she wants to spend her life with a man who is a cheater.

But is it up to pricillia to tell her??

 

P--- again... get rid sweetheart. You never know whats around the corner. It could be that lovely available man...

[Kwo-ne'-she]

But is it up to pricillia to tell her??

 

P--- again... get rid sweetheart. You never know whats around the corner. It could be that lovely available man...

 

Since she was one half of the EMA, it is certainly within her place to tell the W. Chances are, the MM won't. The choice is ultimately up to pricilla. If she can, she should. IMO As I said, there is no need for pricilla to get in a long, drawn-out exchange with the W.

 

And I agree with you, p should get out of this relationship, and find someone deserving of her.

[frannie]

pricillia, I will possibly get flack for this but you know I think sometimes that OW think MORE about the children and the man than the wife ever would... why the hell we get ourselves into this situation...

 

... and we're willing to put ourselves out.. string ourselves out for children that are not ours... worry about them, because (maybe I should talk for myself) ... I've never met them... but I worry endlessly about their 'best interest' and look up site after site about children and divorce and so on and it's all an intellectual exercise because i don't have children of my own...

 

... DO people in a marriage actually GIVE their children so much bloody consideration..? I don't know. Even being in an affair is a huge risk by the married person of their children's well-being, so how can they say the're acting with their children in mind...???? How do they know the OW won't tell the Wife all about the affair and then their reputation with their children be at risk..? How do they dare to risk it all like that and expect BETTER behaviour from us than from themselves, or even their partners (mothers of their children) if they divorce..??

 

How come they fear the actions of their wives (custody-wise) more than they fear OUR actions regarding messing up their reputations..?

 

ACT FOR YOU.

[pricillia]

pricillia, I will possibly get flack for this but you know I think sometimes that OW think MORE about the children and the man than the wife ever would... why the hell we get ourselves into this situation...

 

... and we're willing to put ourselves out.. string ourselves out for children that are not ours... worry about them, because (maybe I should talk for myself) ... I've never met them... but I worry endlessly about their 'best interest' and look up site after site about children and divorce and so on and it's all an intellectual exercise because i don't have children of my own...

 

... DO people in a marriage actually GIVE their children so much bloody consideration..? I don't know. Even being in an affair is a huge risk... won't the Ow tell the Wife... RISK a huge showdown situation..? no..? What kind of caring is that..?

 

 

 

I do not want a show down... and now I really don't care who reads this but I feel that I have been understanding and compassionate as well as supportive toward MM with a few mishaps based on his lingering mistrust of me.

 

But ok here it goes.

 

About a month and a half ago... MM did not call me all day, I was not going to call him, but at around oh 9:30 or so I decided to call him, well a woman answered the phone, I hung up... I honestly thought that I dialed the wrong number so I called back... again she answered... again I hung up.

 

My cell phone then rang three times and it listed that I had a message, I checked but it was of her just hanging up. The next day he called me to say that she took his phone and would not give it back and he was going crazy looking for it...

 

Now I have known her name for some time but MM does not know that at all.

 

I was so mad by the way he treated me last weekend that this past wed I called him and left him a messaged asking him why (insert name) is calling me on my cell asking me how I know you...

Which really did not happen but I just wanted to make him think...

 

So yesterday he was saying oh she called you and I said yes but this happened the time she took your phone(that is what he told me)

I said that I did not tell him because I did not want to make a big deal out of it...

 

He is saying that he does not want me to get in the "middle"

 

I know that this was a lie on my part... but he pissed me off so much, I just felt he had it coming..

[frannie]

Pricillia, I wrote a no doubt rambling message on another thread this evening (I am in Uk... this afternoon, whatever).

 

It was about what kinds of relationships we are in, as OW... and how we don't post much about the ins and outs (or I don't for certain) because of how we're perceived, and how we're going to get criticised, and laughed at and told we're being stupid ... but all the while these comments might be coming from women whose husbands are also lying to them by being in affairs... but somehow WE are the idiots..? A man lies to YOu and I'm the idiot..? ok...

 

I think it's time we all (OW) wrote out exactly what is happening in our relationships... if we want input... just the same as any married person is doing... then we can see if we're in a pointless situation or not.

 

So now I'm looking at your thread and ... when did you last have a good time with your MM... and what is happening now..? Day to day. Never mind all the haters and the commentators... let's just talk it through. Because I am sure that a whole lot of OW situations on this board are just 'involved with a ****' situations... and it's only the OW who knows...

[pricillia]

Ok Frannie...

 

Well tonight I am at work... and I just saw him, went in to order dinner... I know he saw me, he usually says hi... But tonight he just ignored me totally, he pretended that he did not even see me

[outofdarkness]

I think the wife should be told. Not in a mean, spiteful way. A bunch of details aren't neccessary, nor a long talk. Just tell the facts briefly, then move on and let it go.

 

If I were the wife, I would want to know. Some say, "not your place to tell", and "she will figure him out eventually"....maybe not. If all of his OW keep his secrets, the wife may never know. She deserves the truth, so that she can make informed decisions about if she wants to spend her life with a man who is a cheater.

ditto, and you all know that I have said this before..I am passionate about it. Also, I do NOT believe it should be told in person, in anger. This serves NO purpose for anyone involved. You are in a position to help yourself tremedously, but you are also in a position that to help someone else. Someone whom you probrably have some disdain for, but she is also hurting and living a lie w/ someone she thinks she knows, but does not. It might not make you feel good right now to know you're helping her, but on down the road, you WILL realize that you had the upper hand in the situation and chose to do the right thing. I think this would empower you even more and give you the peace of knowing that you did the right thing in the right way...Good luck and pm me if you need any encouragement or advise on how to tell. Hugs!!!

[frannie]

The trouble is, OOD... that telling the W... is also a huge betrayal of the person you were in a relationship with. And that is not a nice feeling.

 

I'd like some kind of truth in MY situation. But... 'truth' for me... means he's (the man I love..) going to be at a disadvantage. I just posted a url on this forum to a thread elsewhere on LS from a MM involved with multiple OW... but he wanted to be with his children. I know you know the thread because I've read it all and saw your posts:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t113742/

 

He, for all his OW dalliance... wants to be with his kids... and no doubt his W would have a different feeling... who is right/wrong here... I don't know...

 

I am certain that there needs to be more cross-discussion between ALL those involved in marriage and love relationships and parenting, WITHOUT the moralising about infidelity... some sort of wake-up about human nature... admission of the truth, reality, where love and lust lies. and how we are going to deal with it.

[Can'tGiveUp]

pricillia, I will possibly get flack for this but you know I think sometimes that OW think MORE about the children and the man than the wife ever would... why the hell we get ourselves into this situation...

 

... and we're willing to put ourselves out.. string ourselves out for children that are not ours... worry about them, because (maybe I should talk for myself) ... I've never met them... but I worry endlessly about their 'best interest' and look up site after site about children and divorce and so on and it's all an intellectual exercise because i don't have children of my own...

 

... DO people in a marriage actually GIVE their children so much bloody consideration..? I don't know. Even being in an affair is a huge risk by the married person of their children's well-being, so how can they say the're acting with their children in mind...???? How do they know the OW won't tell the Wife all about the affair and then their reputation with their children be at risk..? How do they dare to risk it all like that and expect BETTER behaviour from us than from themselves, or even their partners (mothers of their children) if they divorce..??

 

How come they fear the actions of their wives (custody-wise) more than they fear OUR actions regarding messing up their reputations..?

 

ACT FOR YOU.

 

Frannie, I think that the above comments from you really are dependent upon the type of cheater. I know my xMM trusts implicitly that I won't tell W. And that trust is valid - I would never tell her. However, (and this is where I will get bashed for believng in him) this was his only A. And we had a R when he was separated so we "knew" each other in a different situation before the A. I care for his children and their wellbeing. I also have my own and my separation with stbxH was amicable and focused on ensuring everything was done with the children in mind.

 

If he ever leaves her he has a very real fear that she will take the kids and leave the country. The chance of that happening is way more likely than the chance that I would ever tell her about our A. Perhaps one indication of the differences between the person they married and the one they found too late?

 

The serial MM?? I think that perhaps they are so self centered that they never consider that the OW would tell. They likely rely on W to take care of the kids 100% and are terrified of the thought of having to care for their own kids without any help if they were to divorce.

 

So now I'm looking at your thread and ... when did you last have a good time with your MM... and what is happening now..? Day to day. Never mind all the haters and the commentators... let's just talk it through. Because I am sure that a whole lot of OW situations on this board are just 'involved with a ****' situations... and it's only the OW who knows...

 

Very good point Frannie! P - it doesn't sound like it has been a very happy situation for you in quite some time. The lack of trust...well I couldn't live with that. I did that before and eventually it got to be too much. Maybe it is time to evaluate how happy he makes you...really and honestly.

[YoMomma]

I say, you already know her phone number so pick up the phone...dial her number and just tell her that you have been in an affair with her husband for xx many years/months and that it is over. Its only going to eat your every waking moment if you don't do it...so do it now and get it over with. You don't need to give any details, believe me if you slept with MM once or hundred times in her mind its all the same.

 

But...be prepared for the fall out. Know that you will never ever speak to MM ever again. Accept this, and be thankful that it is over and that you can move on with your life.

 

Don't think about him, don't think about his kids, don't think about his wife... don't think about his extended family or his job. They will all feel the brunt of it - but this is what happens when two people commit adultery - everyone pays the price - even the innocent.

 

Eventually his wife will be thankful that she knows, not in the begining I am sure she's going to go through every kind of hell emotionally - but she will be able to make a choice based on the facts instead of the happy marriage she thought she had. It's not going to be over night - but it will happen - she too will move on - with him or without him in her life - she will find happiness.

 

Now its up to you to decide - are you going to be happy if you do make that call? Can you walk away from him without making that call? Or is this something you need to do - becuase you know this is the only way to assure he will kick you to the curb? Let's face it you know he's treats you like crap already.

 

And P - don't use his children as a crutch - they will live thier lives just fine without you in his life - they do not want anything to do with you. They don't need YOU to make daddy a better parent!

 

Do it... pick up the phone if that is what you need to do to make sure you never see him. UNLESS you can do the adult mature thing, and just walk away from him without more drama. Remember its not your job to save him or his kids or anyone but yourself.

 

You can live without him, you can be happy without him.... you can do it!

 

 

 

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