Needing some input badly

[Guest]

My ex came back to me after 3 years, of no contact. I one day signed into my yahoo messenger and saw that he had been trying to get a hold of me for quite a while (saw all the offline messages). So I decided to give him a call.. It basically went from there, we got back together (after some time)

 

This was the same guy, who 3 years ago, could be quite abusive emotionally when he would get mad. From cussing me out, to calling me a bitch, to telling me to **** off, then hang up on me.

 

The thing is, this relationship is a long distance one. I actually flew down there once 3 years ago, and met him in person. Well that relationship only lasted maybe close to a year, he dumped me, then went to someone else got married pretty quickly.

 

He was with for about 2 years, then left her. Came back to me, says he is still married, but plans on getting a divorce (has yet to do it).

 

He claimed she treated him like ****, and was abusive. He also told me that when he moved back to his Mom's house she would camp outside his house in her car and sleep, and do crazy things like that. Now the only proof that I have about her treating him like "****" is when I called I heard her call him a "fag" that was it.

 

He wont tell her about us, because he says then she wont give him a divorce. He once claimed he couldn't stand her, but he claims he remains "friends" with her, so that he can get his stuff back peacefully, because she would never just give him his stuff back on her own. He says, that if he would try to go over there and get his stuff, that her Dad would call the cops, so he says. So there are days, when she comes by and brings some stuff, or he goes by there.

 

To speed things up some, he told me he would "never treat me like the way he treated me before", he also said that "he would never leave me again, and promised on it". Well, things started off peachey, then started to decline, when I "pushed him to his limits" he would lose his temper and of course cuss at me, yell, scream, and say hurtful **** to me (on the phone). He would normally apologize later, but that apologizing phase has stopped.

 

I guess you would say the only things that I would do to "push him to his limits" would be not hanging up the phone right away when he wanted to go to sleep, or if he has to go do something. I have a bad habit of dragging conversations, and not wanting to hang up. If he has to ask more than 2-3 times he gets very annoyed, then, mad. Another one, would be is at times I call right back, because I wanted to tell him something (another bad habit). Oh yea, and the only other bad habit I can think if when I knew he was busy, I would call, because I wanted to talk to him, because I got tired of waiting for him to call (yes I know it's wrong to do)

 

I can be very needy, I agree. I don't mean to act like that on purpose though..

 

So now he wants some "space", because he doesn't trust that I will hang up the phone 1.2.3 when he wants to go. He is upset that when he was sick he had to ask me about 5 times to ge off the phone. So, I guess he in a way dreads it, because he thinks that it will be a fight to get off the phone. He also told me that our relationship is on "thin ice". So, that's another reason why he wants space, and why he is pushing me away. I asked him if the reason why he is doing it, was because he was losing interest. He told me no, he was trying to salvage it. He doesn't know how long for the space, or for the pushing away. But, I dont see how this will "salvage it". All it is doing is makin me feel like ****. He also claims that I'm just paranoid, and worried.

 

We've only been going out for 2 and a half months and it's come to this. In case you're wondering I'm 23, and he's 29. I guess all my worrying, and being paranoind, and constantly being clingy, and needy has caused this?

I know I can be, selfish and self centered, but I mean is this relationship even woth trying?

 

Please don't flame me guys, feel free to put any input you want, or ask any questions on this that you want.

[jmargel]

The things you done are NOT wrong. What you did should have NOT set him off like this. He has NOT changed and will not until he gets counseling on his own.

 

He is using you, because you are a safety blanket. He is lying to you about his wife. Good chance he's not going to divorce her and will continue to 'use' you. He has major control issues and if you want to live a life of misery and upsetment, walking on eggshells and wasting your valuable life then by all means try to work on things with him. However as you know from the past you can't change or help him. No matter how bad you want to or how hard you try, things won't change.

 

It's time to move on and have NC permantly from this guy. Find a guy with your personality, someone that will treat you good and respect you. You are treating this guy as a priority when he's treating you as an option. It's time to close this chapter in your life and move on.

[MoonGirl]

I agree...this guy is just using and abusing you. It would be better to be alone!

 

You are only 23 and have your whole life ahead of you! Do some nice things for yourself to gain some self esteem...work out, meet some new girlfriends, etc. You don't need this guy in your life. He is only causing you heartache and harm.

 

If you need support, keep posting.

[Guest]

My ex came back to me after 3 years, of no contact. I one day signed into my yahoo messenger and saw that he had been trying to get a hold of me for quite a while (saw all the offline messages). So I decided to give him a call.. It basically went from there, we got back together (after some time)

 

After he left me 3 years ago I convinced myself that I would never talk to him again, I turned all my feelings into harted towards him. It took quite a while for me to even feel comfortable talking to him online (remember this is a long distance relationship). Even now, I still feel I cant fully trust him deep down.

 

He to, back then pushed me away towards the end, but a bit differently. He told me when we started talking again, that he did it, because he felt so bad for the way he treated me, and that he wanted me to find better. Back then, he cheated on me twice with his ex, and once with some other girl. He told me that he did, that's how I know about it (I guess he told me out of guilt?)

 

 

This was the same guy, who 3 years ago, could be quite abusive emotionally when he would get mad. From cussing me out, to calling me a bitch, to telling me to **** off, then hang up on me.

 

See, this is where I get confused..it only happens, I guess when I do things that really piss him off. Like not hang up right away, when he has to keep asking to get off the phone, especially if he doesn't feel well. If he doesn't feel well, he's more prone to lose his temper, because he's already cranky. Or, if I call right back when, we already hung up, especially when he's busy, or on the phone...

 

The thing is, this relationship is a long distance one. I actually flew down there once 3 years ago, and met him in person. Well that relationship only lasted maybe close to a year, he dumped me, then went to someone else got married pretty quickly.

 

I don't understand how he got married so quickly, he wasn't even with her for that long and he got married..

[Guest]

The things you done are NOT wrong. What you did should have NOT set him off like this. He has NOT changed and will not until he gets counseling on his own.

 

He is using you, because you are a safety blanket. He is lying to you about his wife. Good chance he's not going to divorce her and will continue to 'use' you. He has major control issues and if you want to live a life of misery and upsetment, walking on eggshells and wasting your valuable life then by all means try to work on things with him. However as you know from the past you can't change or help him. No matter how bad you want to or how hard you try, things won't change.

 

It's time to move on and have NC permantly from this guy. Find a guy with your personality, someone that will treat you good and respect you. You are treating this guy as a priority when he's treating you as an option. It's time to close this chapter in your life and move on.

 

 

How, am I being used as a safety blanket?, and being used I dont understand...

[aisuangel]

I agree...this guy is just using and abusing you. It would be better to be alone!

 

You are only 23 and have your whole life ahead of you! Do some nice things for yourself to gain some self esteem...work out, meet some new girlfriends, etc. You don't need this guy in your life. He is only causing you heartache and harm.

 

If you need support, keep posting.

 

 

The guest is me aisuangel, since when you are a guest it seems to take a lot longer for a response..

 

Yes, he is being abusive, mentally/emotionally.. I called him today when he would normally be driving home from work. He answered wanting to know what was up. I asked him if he could talk, he said no, because his mom would be coming home soon from work.

 

You see, his mother NEVER comes him about 3pm or so, she gets off like about 6pm, that's what I've picked up from all the times I've talked to him, because every time she comes home at 6pm, he has to go (get off the phone, or offline). They always go to the store together like every night, and he 'has' to go with her. He claims that isn't it, he says that he wants to get off of the phone/offline to spend time with her, same thing with the grocery shopping.

 

I don't know if it's, because her husband passed away when he was like 12, so she bonds to him, because that's the only other thing 'male' wise in the house? (I hope that didn't sounds mean..)

 

To speed things up here..

 

He was telling me that he had a long day at work and wanted to get some rest before his mom got home, because when she did they were going to go run some errands, that's why she was coming home early was to run some errands, so he says. Well all I had was maybe 5 minutes with him on the phone (phone calls always seem to be so short now when we talk, since we've been on 'thin ice'), and he was like "OK I want to go now"

 

I wanted to bring up the fact that I didn't think that this whole "space" thing was working, nor was the relationship. So I asked him if I could say something before we hung up. He was like "Hurry up, I'm already getting mad, I had already asked to go 5 times now" (which he did ask more than once) I corrected him, and told him that he asked maybe the most 2-3 times, he responded by saying angrily "3-4 whatever, you correct me again, we're through!".

 

I asked him why is it we aren't doing very well anymore, his response "Why?, because you're too ****ing stupid to hang up the phone when I want to get off of the phone!" He mentioned something about me being in control, and him not being in control when it came to hanging up the phone, and he didn't like that. So, after that big ordeal, being put down, and yelled at, I called right back ( I guess I called back to see if maybe he would say sorry.., or to ask "Why do you treat me like this?", or to maybe tell him off, but I never get enough guts to do either).

 

He answered saying "You've just sealed the we're over for sure. Now if you want to try to repair this, and have another chance, don't call me for a good day. Right now I want nothing more to do with you" then he hung up. I tried to say some things to him, but I was cut off, told to "Shut up", or yelled at so loud that his phone would start cutting out (when he does that I can never make out what he is saying). He told me that if I call back again, that he was going to get that cell phone number changed..

 

Right now I'm just feeling like what everyone has been saying is right from family, to friends, to on here), that he's toxic. I feel humiliated in some ways too..almost like a big 'I TOLD YOU SO'

 

I know that he will more in likey try to get a hold of me either by yahoo messenger, or by phone, within the next day, to few days, if not by tonight. I still have the urge to call him back and to apologize for pissing him off, and asking for another chance...

[aisuangel]

The things you done are NOT wrong. What you did should have NOT set him off like this. He has NOT changed and will not until he gets counseling on his own.

 

I agree with you. I'm going to be going into counseling myself because of emotional scars that he's brought back from the past, and as of now. I also have a lot of isses that I need to work out I've noticed, so hopefully this counseling will help.

 

He is using you, because you are a safety blanket. He is lying to you about his wife. Good chance he's not going to divorce her and will continue to 'use' you. He has major control issues and if you want to live a life of misery and upsetment, walking on eggshells and wasting your valuable life then by all means try to work on things with him. However as you know from the past you can't change or help him. No matter how bad you want to or how hard you try, things won't change.

 

I'm a little confused on this, how am I his safety blanket?

Why wouldn't he divorce her?

[aisuangel]

He called me back..

 

Basically said that he was sorry for being an ass, and that he doesn't like to be that way to me. He stated that he gives me a fair warning, each and every time he wants to get off of the phone. He says "If you know that it makes me mad, and I get mad like that, then why do you do it?"

 

I guess I see where he is coming from..

 

He also stated that everything is "OK" between me and him, since I "gave him some space, and let him sleep" (he called me back to tell me that). I told him that I didn't think that things were working out very well between him and I, he said he thinks 'things are fine'.

 

The odd thing was when he called back, after the whole yelling thing, this was 4 hours later, he was in such a great mood! He even told me he was in a good mood, and that nothing could upset him, because he was getting a new car. He didn't like talking about the fight, and when it was talked about it seemed to irritate him, then he would want to drop it, and say 'Well the bad part is over now'.

 

So, I guess we are back together again, and again I'm lost.. Sorry, if I talk in circles, it's just that I'm so confused with things, that I don't know what to do, or say...

[MoonGirl]

 

You see, his mother NEVER comes him about 3pm or so, she gets off like about 6pm, that's what I've picked up from all the times I've talked to him, because every time she comes home at 6pm, he has to go (get off the phone, or offline). They always go to the store together like every night, and he 'has' to go with her. He claims that isn't it, he says that he wants to get off of the phone/offline to spend time with her, same thing with the grocery shopping.

 

I asked him why is it we aren't doing very well anymore, his response "Why?, because you're too ****ing stupid to hang up the phone when I want to get off of the phone!" He mentioned something about me being in control, and him not being in control when it came to hanging up the phone, and he didn't like that. So, after that big ordeal, being put down, and yelled at, I called right back ( I guess I called back to see if maybe he would say sorry.., or to ask "Why do you treat me like this?", or to maybe tell him off, but I never get enough guts to do either).

 

He answered saying "You've just sealed the we're over for sure. Now if you want to try to repair this, and have another chance, don't call me for a good day. Right now I want nothing more to do with you" then he hung up. I tried to say some things to him, but I was cut off, told to "Shut up", or yelled at so loud that his phone would start cutting out (when he does that I can never make out what he is saying). He told me that if I call back again, that he was going to get that cell phone number changed..

 

Right now I'm just feeling like what everyone has been saying is right from family, to friends, to on here), that he's toxic. I feel humiliated in some ways too..almost like a big 'I TOLD YOU SO'

 

BIG RED FLAGS EVERYWHERE! Just be so happy that you're not married to this guy and that you don't have kids with him. Stop calling him...why do you put up with his behvior anyway? Does any moment you spend talking to him feel good?

 

Have you heard of emotional incest? Not that every man who spends a lot of time with his mother has it - but some men put their mother's emotional needs before anything else in life...that means they have very little left over for a romantic relationship with another woman.

 

Why are you worried about people saying "I told you so"? I'm sure they'll just be so estatic that you're out of this relationship when you decide to leave! I HIGHLY doubt your family and friends want to see you being abused.

[MoonGirl]

He called me back..

 

Basically said that he was sorry for being an ass, and that he doesn't like to be that way to me. He stated that he gives me a fair warning, each and every time he wants to get off of the phone. He says "If you know that it makes me mad, and I get mad like that, then why do you do it?"

 

I guess I see where he is coming from..

 

He also stated that everything is "OK" between me and him, since I "gave him some space, and let him sleep" (he called me back to tell me that). I told him that I didn't think that things were working out very well between him and I, he said he thinks 'things are fine'.

 

The odd thing was when he called back, after the whole yelling thing, this was 4 hours later, he was in such a great mood! He even told me he was in a good mood, and that nothing could upset him, because he was getting a new car. He didn't like talking about the fight, and when it was talked about it seemed to irritate him, then he would want to drop it, and say 'Well the bad part is over now'.

 

So, I guess we are back together again, and again I'm lost.. Sorry, if I talk in circles, it's just that I'm so confused with things, that I don't know what to do, or say...

 

 

He's still playing with your mind. BIG TIME.

 

Of course he apologized! This is the CYCLE of abuse...Do something really mean, and then apologize for it. Oh, and then don't talk about the abuse because it's not really very pleasant. HAHAHA!

 

You don't know what to do? GET RID OF THIS GUY. I know that's not what you want to hear....but you will just be miserable with him, sweetie.

 

You don't deserve to be abused. You deserve to be in a nice, normal, healthy, respectful relationship.

 

Think about this: If you were to marry this guy and have kids with him, would you want your son to grow up to be just like him? Would you want your daughter to grow up to marry someone just like him? If you answers are NO, then you know what you need to do.

 

Read some of my old posts in the abuse forum. You'll see that it never gets better...the cycle of abuse goes on and on and on until you just can't stomach it anymore.

[MoonGirl]

By the way, pick up one of Patricia Evan's books on verbal abuse. After you read it, you'll be able to better recognize how this guy is trying to control you and you may better understand why he does what he does.

 

Check out these links too:

http://www.drjoecarver.com/stockholm.html

http://www.drjoecarver.com/loser.html

[jmargel]

He called me back..

 

Basically said that he was sorry for being an ass, and that he doesn't like to be that way to me. He stated that he gives me a fair warning, each and every time he wants to get off of the phone. He says "If you know that it makes me mad, and I get mad like that, then why do you do it?"

 

I guess I see where he is coming from..

 

He also stated that everything is "OK" between me and him, since I "gave him some space, and let him sleep" (he called me back to tell me that). I told him that I didn't think that things were working out very well between him and I, he said he thinks 'things are fine'.

 

The odd thing was when he called back, after the whole yelling thing, this was 4 hours later, he was in such a great mood! He even told me he was in a good mood, and that nothing could upset him, because he was getting a new car. He didn't like talking about the fight, and when it was talked about it seemed to irritate him, then he would want to drop it, and say 'Well the bad part is over now'.

 

So, I guess we are back together again, and again I'm lost.. Sorry, if I talk in circles, it's just that I'm so confused with things, that I don't know what to do, or say...

 

First.. I must say (though I never do this) that you are a very beautiful woman and seem to have a huge heart. It hurts me to know that someone such as yourself is being victimized by this guy.

 

How, am I being used as a safety blanket?, and being used I dont understand...

 

Because you are always there when he calls on you. He knows that beyond all the abuse he deals out, you'll be there waiting. It's a control issue he has and it's something that is going to get worse.

 

Look how bad it is now, and it's a LDR. Imagine how controlling he will be once you two live together? You will drive yourself insane due to you having to walk on eggshells wandering when he's going to yell at you next.

 

He stated that he gives me a fair warning, each and every time he wants to get off of the phone. He says "If you know that it makes me mad, and I get mad like that, then why do you do it?"

 

I guess I see where he is coming from..

 

HUGE red flags. If you are my girl, you can talk to me as long and as much as you want. I'm happy to hear from you, to talk to you and to know that you confide in me. It puts a smile on my face that you are so willing to spend your time and talk to me. I want to know about how your day was and any little things that happened in your day. Nothing you can tell me would be looked at as 'trival' and a waste of my time. Above all else your happiness is the most important thing to me.

 

As my girl you don't have to worry about whether something 'little' will upset me. I am mature enough to not let something that small bother me. If for some reason I do need to go right away, I would let you know nicely and even if you wanted to continue talking I would still end the conversation on a positive note, making sure I call ya back the first chance I get.

 

I would never attack you, apologize, then say 'Well, I gave you fair warning', something like that is just excusing bad treatment towards you. I would never look at you as an object where my feelings come way before yours and think that I could at anytime win your heart again by just saying some words. True love is about actions, not words.

 

This is what a real, loving, caring relationship should be about. This guy treated you bad before, married someone (who he is mistreating, don't fall for his lies about her mistreating him), and now is back to controlling/mistreating you.

 

This is not a healthy relationship and he is taking full advantage of you. For your own santity, please break whatever you have with this guy, off. Go no contact (permantly). If you want, you can PM me.

[aisuangel]

BIG RED FLAGS EVERYWHERE! Just be so happy that you're not married to this guy and that you don't have kids with him

.

 

I'm glad that I'm not the one who is married to him...When we first went out, he asked me if I would marry him (not right away of course, this was later on) ..When I was going to go meet him for the first time 3 years ago, he wanted me to bring my birth certificate, and social security card so that we could get 'married'. I mean back then, yes I was in love with him, yes he treated me badly back then also, but I was still in love with him.. Well, I wasn't that 'stupid' I didn't bring my birth certificate, or my social security card with me on my trip. I think it was on day 2, that he asked me if I brought them, I told him no, and that I was sorry, he was a little mad/disappointed, but he got over it. He wanted to know 'why' I didn't bring it..if I remember correctly, I think I told him I wasn't ready..

 

Well, after he dumps me further on down the road, he ends up finding someone local, is with her maybe 2-3 months, then gets married!. He stays married to her for maybe 2 and a half years then comes back to me..

So you see?, that's why I'm glad I'm not married to him, and I'm glad DIDN'T make that mistake and take my birth certificate, and social security card down there and marry him like he wanted to in the first place...

 

I feel bad for the woman he's married to, he was maybe with her for 2 and a half years, before he came back my way..

 

 

Stop calling him...why do you put up with his behvior anyway? Does any moment you spend talking to him feel good?

 

Honestly Moon girl, I'm sick of his crap. As of now, he's being quite distant, and always seems to be 'busy' whenever I call. Never seems to have the time to talk, or is always 'busy'. I know I need to stop calling him, but it's hard, because I'm so used to talking to him, then suddenly it slows to a trickle.. It makes me want to call him, and wonder 'why' even though deep down I know the reasons why..,but then again maybe he really is busy?? I never really know for sure.. I go through this same mental fight everday with myself.

 

Yes, there are times that when I talk to him it 'feels good'. Those would be the days when things are going good, but other than that I'm usually afraid of saying something wrong. Yes, I know that really isn't a healthy relationship..I guess that's how the cycles goes, good to bad, bad to worse, then good, to bad all over again. So when theses cycles happen, it confuses me so much, I dont know what to think.

 

Have you heard of emotional incest? Not that every man who spends a lot of time with his mother has it - but some men put their mother's emotional needs before anything else in life...that means they have very little left over for a romantic relationship with another woman.

 

I don't know too much about emotional incest. I always thought he spent a lot of time with him mother was because he lived with her, and because she was 'lonely', since her husband passed away when when my bf was only 12. I always thought that at times, that his mother seemed a little bit too 'controlling', always wanting him to go to the store with her every freaking night... She has this attitude that 'nobody is good enough for him'.

 

I know, I know I need to leave, but it's hard..as of now I guess you could say I'm 'sitting on the sidelines' I know the 'relationship' is barely there, and there isn't much of one, but I feel stuck/frozen. So, I sit, and wait, I guess for him to end it I guess?

 

I guess it's so hard, because I've never dumped anyone before in my life, maybe that's the reason?

[aisuangel]

First.. I must say (though I never do this) that you are a very beautiful woman and seem to have a huge heart. It hurts me to know that someone such as yourself is being victimized by this guy.

 

Thank you very much

 

 

Look how bad it is now, and it's a LDR. Imagine how controlling he will be once you two live together? You will drive yourself insane due to you having to walk on eggshells wandering when he's going to yell at you next.

 

True, I already do that now, when it comes to the phone.

 

 

 

HUGE red flags. If you are my girl, you can talk to me as long and as much as you want. I'm happy to hear from you, to talk to you and to know that you confide in me. It puts a smile on my face that you are so willing to spend your time and talk to me. I want to know about how your day was and any little things that happened in your day. Nothing you can tell me would be looked at as 'trival' and a waste of my time. Above all else your happiness is the most important thing to me.

 

As my girl you don't have to worry about whether something 'little' will upset me. I am mature enough to not let something that small bother me. If for some reason I do need to go right away, I would let you know nicely and even if you wanted to continue talking I would still end the conversation on a positive note, making sure I call ya back the first chance I get.

 

I would never attack you, apologize, then say 'Well, I gave you fair warning', something like that is just excusing bad treatment towards you. I would never look at you as an object where my feelings come way before yours and think that I could at anytime win your heart again by just saying some words. True love is about actions, not words.

 

This is what a real, loving, caring relationship should be about. This guy treated you bad before, married someone (who he is mistreating, don't fall for his lies about her mistreating him), and now is back to controlling/mistreating you.

 

This is not a healthy relationship and he is taking full advantage of you. For your own santity, please break whatever you have with this guy, off. Go no contact (permantly). If you want, you can PM me.

 

I know it's unhealty, but like I said to moongirls post, I feel frozen. I know what I need to do, but I feel wrong doing it..

 

I've never broken up with anyone before in my life..maybe that's why it's so hard for me?

 

As of now when I think of doing it, I get scared. When I get ready to do it on the phone, as soon as I hear his voice I feel bad, I feel bad thinking that I was going to even do that, especially if he was being nice, and wasn't doing anything wrong.

 

Please bear with me on this guys, it's hard.

[jmargel]

Breaking up is never a fun thing to do, but in all honesty you are not in a relationship with this guy. He is still married and now he's just trying to control two women.

 

He has no concept on what is needed for a marriage. To tell you to bring your birth certificate & ssn card to get married the first time he saw you is actually scary.

 

Maybe you are putting your own self-worth into this guy, whereas you think yourself as a failure because you couldn't change him? In any case, the only way he will ever change is for himself to admit he has a problem and get counseling for it. And I don't see that happening.

 

I would recommend writing him an email stating that you can no longer do this, and that you are moving on with your life. To tell him not to contact you any longer as well. Any emails after that he sends you, just delete, don't even read them. Phone calls, just tell him if he continues to call you'll get the authorities involved.

 

You need to start working on yourself. I read your other post about this guy and I saw the things he was doing to you. He has put your self-esteem so far down that you are relying on him to make you feel worthy. When you do that, its just a matter of time before you go into a depression.

 

I also read that you are bi-polar. I hope you are getting treatment for this, and as for your GED and your education, just by your post I can tell you have a good head on your shoulders and a smart girl. It's time that you get some of this confidence back that you need and start making short term goals for yourself, with the first on getting a GED. You're a smart, beautiful woman and you have alot within' you that you can use to really take advantage of.

 

As long as you continue this courtship with this guy you'll never be able to move on. Honesty where do you see yourself with this guy in 5 years? It's chilling to think the life you would have with this man. Please don't let his insecurities, controlling behavior dictate your life. Please seek a counselor as well to help you get through this. Talk to your friends about this as well. Your mom seems to be a good influence, let her know that you need help with this.

 

PS. I though of something else. I will actually even make the email for you, so you can just copy and paste it to him. I just really hope you take my other advice in regards to moving on, and start doing things for yourself so you can live a happy life

 

Email:

 

--

 

I am writing this as my last contact with you. Please don't reply or call me. Though this is hard for me to do, it's something that I must. I feel that the time I have spent with you has changed me as a person and not in the way I wanted it to.

 

The verbal and emotional abuse I have gotten from you hurts me to my core. Though I know I am a much better person than what you label me as and I know it's because emotionally you are still very immature and very controlling. You need help that I cannot give and only you can do this for yourself and the counseling you need. I am not saying this to be harsh but as what I have come to conclude after alot of hurt and thinking over this.

 

You're not a bad person but have some major issues that I can't deal with in this time of my life. You have a wife that needs you and you should be trying to work on things with her. I refuse to be the safety net in this anymore and I am setting my own goals in my own life. It's time that I start making myself happy and I need to close this chapter of my life in order to do this.

 

I don't know what your reaction is going to be after reading this, but at this point that is not my problem. I hope you respect my wishes and if you care about me that you won't email or call me. I have alot I have to work through to where I want to be and now is the time I want to start. I hope you can eventually work out your own issues and live a happy life.

 

----

[aisuangel]

Breaking up is never a fun thing to do, but in all honesty you are not in a relationship with this guy. He is still married and now he's just trying to control two women.

 

I agree, but he claims that he is going to get a divorce. Just hearing the way he talks about her, you can tell he doesn't care..

 

He has no concept on what is needed for a marriage. To tell you to bring your birth certificate & ssn card to get married the first time he saw you is actually scary.

 

That's why I didn't do it, because I knew it would end up being a mistake in the long run, just like his marriage now.

 

Maybe you are putting your own self-worth into this guy, whereas you think yourself as a failure because you couldn't change him? In any case, the only way he will ever change is for himself to admit he has a problem and get counseling for it. And I don't see that happening.

 

Not, because I couldn't change him. More, beacuse it's the same thing again, just like it was the first time around, just this time he's married.

 

I would recommend writing him an email stating that you can no longer do this, and that you are moving on with your life. To tell him not to contact you any longer as well. Any emails after that he sends you, just delete, don't even read them. Phone calls, just tell him if he continues to call you'll get the authorities involved.

 

I'm thinking about it doing it, because I don't have the strenght to do it on the phone, meaning I would feel extremely bad/guilty.

 

 

I also read that you are bi-polar. I hope you are getting treatment for this, and as for your GED and your education, just by your post I can tell you have a good head on your shoulders and a smart girl. It's time that you get some of this confidence back that you need and start making short term goals for yourself, with the first on getting a GED. You're a smart, beautiful woman and you have alot within' you that you can use to really take advantage of.

 

Again, thank you for your kind comments. Yes, I'm on medication for it. I made a appointment to go see a counselor. I wont be able to get in for a good month. I know I need to finish up my GED, I'm going to sign back up for classes, so that I can finish.

 

 

As long as you continue this courtship with this guy you'll never be able to move on. Honesty where do you see yourself with this guy in 5 years? It's chilling to think the life you would have with this man. Please don't let his insecurities, controlling behavior dictate your life. Please seek a counselor as well to help you get through this. Talk to your friends about this as well. Your mom seems to be a good influence, let her know that you need help with this.

 

I honestly dont see myself anywhere with him..

 

PS. I though of something else. I will actually even make the email for you, so you can just copy and paste it to him. I just really hope you take my other advice in regards to moving on, and start doing things for yourself so you can live a happy life

 

Email:

 

--

 

I am writing this as my last contact with you. Please don't reply or call me. Though this is hard for me to do, it's something that I must. I feel that the time I have spent with you has changed me as a person and not in the way I wanted it to.

 

The verbal and emotional abuse I have gotten from you hurts me to my core. Though I know I am a much better person than what you label me as and I know it's because emotionally you are still very immature and very controlling. You need help that I cannot give and only you can do this for yourself and the counseling you need. I am not saying this to be harsh but as what I have come to conclude after alot of hurt and thinking over this.

 

You're not a bad person but have some major issues that I can't deal with in this time of my life. You have a wife that needs you and you should be trying to work on things with her. I refuse to be the safety net in this anymore and I am setting my own goals in my own life. It's time that I start making myself happy and I need to close this chapter of my life in order to do this.

 

I don't know what your reaction is going to be after reading this, but at this point that is not my problem. I hope you respect my wishes and if you care about me that you won't email or call me. I have alot I have to work through to where I want to be and now is the time I want to start. I hope you can eventually work out your own issues and live a happy life.

 

----

 

Again, thank you you've been very helpful, and very kind. I'm still thinking about the email.

[jmargel]

That is awesome that you are seeking a counselor and going for your GED! You will feel so much better about yourself by doing these things. You are finally doing something for YOU, not trying to please someone who can't be pleased.

 

I would highly recommend the email since you know you would have too much of a hard time doing it by phone. Just make sure you follow up by going the NC route. As long as he can talk to you, that just keeps his foot in the door, still having an impact on your life.

 

Honestly I don't see how a guy could treat someone as sweet as you. Guys for some reason have a tendacy of putting their best foot forward right away, and unfortunetly you really don't know what kind of person they are until you invested alot of time in them.

 

I'm proud of you that you are taking these steps forward You have no idea how much it's going to impact your life in such a positive way down the road

 

[MoonGirl]

I agree that email is the way to go when ridding your life of an abuser. The less ability they have to impact your conversation and talk you into sticking around, the better.

[aisuangel]

I just wanted to to say again to the both of you thank you again. I appreciate all of your guys help

[jmargel]

Anytime hun We are all here for you. I just hope you keep your goals in sight. Feel free to PM me as well. Let us know how things are going

[jmargel]

btw.. i tried sending you a PM, but your is set to off (by default). just go into your profile to change that, or you can email me: [email protected]

 

[aisuangel]

I emailed you, not sure if you got it yet, or if you wrote me back.

[jmargel]

I got it I sent one back. Just make sure you check your junk folder so it didn't end up there