akra Posted March 4, 2007 Share Posted March 4, 2007 I'm a 21 year old guy and I've had 3 "relationships," none of which were stable, and none of which were considered a true "relationship." Most of these relationships were very painful. I have some symptoms of social anxiety disorder and agoraphobia. When I meet someone new, I'm always very polite and reserved for that person for a long time until I get to know them. That is, on the very rare occasion that I meet someone new. Very rarely do I keep in touch new people, nor do they put effort forth to keep in touch with me. Most of the people I hang out with are friends from high school. By the time I figure out that I want to pursue a girl, I've already known her long enough that I'm in the infamous friend zone, meaning any effort in pursuing just winds up with humiliation. People tend to like me once I warm up to them. I've even been described as charismatic. But, for whatever reason, I have trouble doing things like calling someone and saying, "Hey, let's hang out." I normally wait for them to do it with me, which usually doesn't happen. The friends I make have been from simply being around someone a lot without either of us making an effort to be around the other person. Sit at the same table in high school, live in the same hallway in the dorms, etc. Physically I'm not that bad. I'm tall, very slightly overweight, and have a very young, sort of nerdy looking face. No acne or anything, just kind of a baby face. When I do start getting some attention from the opposite sex, I try to jump on the opportunity. However, I've always gotten bad results and ended up getting hurt. I don't think my standards are that high. I just want a girl who I'm physically attracted to who cares about me. Am I simply undateable with my current personality or am I going about it the wrong way? Link to post Share on other sites
IrishCarBomb Posted March 4, 2007 Share Posted March 4, 2007 A few thoughts: 1. Rejection is not that big of a deal. It will seem devastating for a while, but if you keep going after girls you are attracted to, it eventually will help curb your social anxiety. 2. "You" is not a static thing. You are constantly changing. What's great is that you have the power to influence how you change. Do you want to get in better shape? Go work out. Want to get more social? Force yourself to call people, pursue relationships. Want to be smarter? Start reading. Another thing, if you choose not to improve yourself, you are wasting time and your life. Constantly invest in yourself, as it will reward you so much as you get older. It might seem pointless and futile now, but do it anyway. Don't overanalyze, just do. 3. You're only undateable if you think you are. Link to post Share on other sites
Yamaha Posted March 4, 2007 Share Posted March 4, 2007 If there is something you want in this world you have to work to obtain that desire. This same goes for friendship or a romantic relationship. Women expect the guy to show enough interest in her to put forth some effort. Sitting back non-motivated will get you nowhere. Also because of your lack of female companionship you probably jump at her if she does show some interest and this will frighten her off and think you are weird or stalkish. Just be yourself and work on being more proactive with people. Speak and smile and be friendly. People like a confident, friendly person ( you probably do to ) so work on becoming that person and people will want to get to know you. Link to post Share on other sites
monkey00 Posted March 4, 2007 Share Posted March 4, 2007 Hey its great that you're charismatic - not everyone is gifted with that, if you do it right you can use it to your advantage with social circles and especially women. But in the end, its always about getting back as much as you put in. I have tons of friends like that who wait around for someone to ask them to go do something - when that happens they are taking the passive route. Being proactive (and being a leader) means taking initiative and inviting people out to do things, who cares if you get rejected - happens to everyone...besides their loss because they dont want to do anything social. But with women -- they are horndogs also. any woman will be bored out of her mind if you talk her to death. They want to be kissed, touched, and be desired by a guy...they dont say it but trust me, its not hard to tell. Seems like you already know you fell into the friendzone because you waited too long....maybe take your own advice and do what needs to be done. Link to post Share on other sites
McFadden Posted March 4, 2007 Share Posted March 4, 2007 I have some of the same social problems that you describe. I'm not friendly and I don't go out of my way to keep in touch with anyone even if they really make an effort. What people say about me is that I'm "calm, stable tempered, an easy person to work with with" blah blah blah but not really a nice or fun person. So I pretty much never date even though I look frikin awesome. I always think about doing something to change it but I just don't. Its really hard to change the entire way you interact with the world. Link to post Share on other sites
oppath Posted March 4, 2007 Share Posted March 4, 2007 I used to suffer from social anxiety and needed therapy, and even medications, at first to start making changes in my life. I basically didn't date until I was 24 except for a few women and nothing resembling a relationship. 3 years later, I am extremely outgoing and people comment on how affable and confident I am and how good I am at approaching GROUPS of women (it is actually easier for me to approach a group than one woman). Cognitive behavioral therapy helped immensely because I changed my negative and irrational thoughts. I still struggle with them, but if you think you are undateable, then you are undateable. If you are in college I'd recommend counseling to work through your anxiety. I've even met female friends and dated a girl from a social anxiety/confidence group at my university! The biggest thing, however, was to start taking risks with people I did not want to date, women AND MEN! I can't stress this enough. I used to hold my phone in my hand for an hour before calling a girl, shaking. I realized I behaved similarly just to call a non close guy friend to hang out (maybe 20 minutes of debate). I realized the irrational fears were the same, so I started calling acquaintances and asking them to beers. Hope this helps. You can change if you are patient and persistent. Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted March 4, 2007 Share Posted March 4, 2007 i agree with YAMAHA Link to post Share on other sites
Sand&Water Posted March 4, 2007 Share Posted March 4, 2007 RE: Is it possible for someone to be undateable? Yes. I don't think my standards are that high. I don't think so either. There is difference between having strict shallow standards, and no standards at all -for the sake of self-pity. Your standards bar isn't the issue, at hand. Rather, you are accepting your circumstances by not being proactive. Allowing for your disorders, shall I say, to over-take, control to some extent, and create a barrier for you is not healthy -nor will it get you any dates. I just want a girl who I'm physically attracted to who cares about me. That girl isn't going to appear as a genie at a simple rub of a magic lamp. Finding a physically attractive, and compassionate woman these days is not so easy. Ask anyone on this board -and in real life. It's either a compassionate, less attractive woman or a hot babe with a care-free attitude (morals, and conversations are out the window). Take your pick. Start working at it, put in some effort -and you'll see results. Sand&Water Link to post Share on other sites
burning 4 revenge Posted March 4, 2007 Share Posted March 4, 2007 To answer your question, yes. Some people are cut off from the rest of humanity and will spend their lifetime from the outside looking in with their faces pressed against the glass Link to post Share on other sites
Island Girl Posted March 4, 2007 Share Posted March 4, 2007 But, for whatever reason, I have trouble doing things like calling someone and saying, "Hey, let's hang out." This is the only thing you need to work on. Link to post Share on other sites
kitten chick Posted March 4, 2007 Share Posted March 4, 2007 No there is no such thing as being undateable. You're still pretty young. I think you'd be surprised at how many late bloomers there are out there. I'm one myself. When I was searching for the answers to the questions that you're asking I found that there are A LOT of people who don't really get into dating until after high school or college.There are DEFINITELY girls out there looking for guys like you, you just have to find them which is the hard part. I really liked the advice that oppath gave. You just have to work on finding the right person for you and broadening your social network. I bet those new people were just as afraid of calling you as you were of calling them to hang out and would have jumped on the chance to spend time with you if you had called them. People will want to spend time with you if you show that you want to spend time with them. Keep working on beating your SA and agoraphobia, that's the most important thing. You might also want to make goals for yourself like calling one person a week to do something together, grab a beer, go to a concert, whatever, just do something where you're around people. Link to post Share on other sites
johan Posted March 4, 2007 Share Posted March 4, 2007 Yes, it is possible to be undateable. Take me for instance. I'm undateable. I am stupid and ugly and have almost no personality, except for some irritating things I do that make people turn quickly away in disgust, and I have very little going for me. The most positive thing about me is that I make true losers feel like winners just by being nearby. I am a major league loooooozah! Also I hate anything that smacks of "hygiene". Yuck! Link to post Share on other sites
pricillia Posted March 4, 2007 Share Posted March 4, 2007 To answer your question, yes. Some people are cut off from the rest of humanity and will spend their lifetime from the outside looking in with their faces pressed against the glass Just gives you time to window shop.. Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted March 4, 2007 Share Posted March 4, 2007 Work on liking, respecting and accepting yourself first before extending out to others. On the grand scheme of things, other peoples' opinions truly don't matter. They don't define you. You define yourself. Once you feel better about yourself, then you'll be a stronger person so that you are able to handle rejection, shrug it off as oh well, and move on. Keep in mind that not everyone is compatible whether it's simply friendship or love interests. Maybe you're looking in the wrong place. Are you looking at people who love to party and saying, hey, I'd like to do that and finding yourself overwhelmed in those situations? If so, take it easier and connect as a friend with one person at a time until, as everyone has mentioned, you've got a larger social circle. Link to post Share on other sites
magichands Posted March 4, 2007 Share Posted March 4, 2007 To answer your question, yes. Some people are cut off from the rest of humanity and will spend their lifetime from the outside looking in with their faces pressed against the glass :lmao: Steam up the window, and write rude things with your finger. In reverse, of course. Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted March 4, 2007 Share Posted March 4, 2007 oh there are people that are "undateable"....i've met both men and women in their 40's who've never had a relationship with the opposite sex. Link to post Share on other sites
magichands Posted March 4, 2007 Share Posted March 4, 2007 oh there are people that are "undateable"....i've met both men and women in their 40's who've never had a relationship with the opposite sex. There is gay dating, too. Stop being discriminatory. Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted March 4, 2007 Share Posted March 4, 2007 There is gay dating, too. Stop being discriminatory. there are so few gays to begin with that they can't be as discriminating as many heteros. ergo, one would probably see fewer "undateable" gays Link to post Share on other sites
Mary3 Posted March 7, 2007 Share Posted March 7, 2007 Yes, it is possible to be undateable. Take me for instance. I'm undateable. I am stupid and ugly and have almost no personality, except for some irritating things I do that make people turn quickly away in disgust, and I have very little going for me. The most positive thing about me is that I make true losers feel like winners just by being nearby. I am a major league loooooozah! Also I hate anything that smacks of "hygiene". Yuck! What are you doing later tonite ? Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts