I just realized over the weekend, I'm still not over him!

[katie]

hi,

 

My name is Katie I'am 23 years old. About a year ago I started seeing a great guy. We dated for about 3 months and than he got scared. Telling me he didnt think he was "ready" for a relationship. He had his heart broken a couple years ago..........very badly. He has not had a serious relationship since. He has only gone on a handful of dates. Hes 26.

 

Anyway I was falling for him. He broke my heart. We remained friendly and ended up being intimate a couple times a month "no strings". I wanted the "strings" hoping he would change his mind. I continued being intimate with him for at least 5 more months. Nothing changed. That ended about 3 months ago. Now I know for a fact he has not dated anyone since me.

 

I have. I had been dating someone for about 2 months and it didnt work. This person knew my ex they were aquaitances. It had gotten back to me how much it bothered him to see me with another guy. We all live pretty close and go to pretty much the same bars and clubs. So running into him once a week was not a surprise.

 

This last guy I was seeing just was not working. I have stopped seeing him a few weeks ago. I thought I was over my ex but I just saw him over the weekend. I went out with some girlfriends and went into the nightclub. I saw him right away and played it cool. I went over to the bar to get a drink and he came right over and said hello. Now he must have known I broke it off with the other guy because he hadnt come up to me the past couple times I saw him. He told me he always thought I was a great person and how pretty I was. All the feelings I had thought were gone came right back in that instant.

 

I felt butterflies, my heart was racing. It was like it never ended. I asked him if I could kiss him and he said "if you want to" I did I kissed him for about a minute and than pulled away. He than told me his friends and him were not staying they were going to another club. I asked him if later we hang out. He told me to call him. So at about 130 am I called I got his voicemail. Not knowing if he wasnt answering on purpose or just not around I left a message saying that the kiss was a mistake and I was sorry. I lied I'm not sorry. I just wanted to say something because I felt stupid that he didnt answer his cell. Now I don't know what to do.

 

All my friends say it is obvious by the way he came right over and his body language that he still cares for me. I'm still in love with him he brought it all back with just a few words. I don't know if I should call him in a few days or wait it out and see if he calls me. I don't want to miss having a second chance with this guy. Maybe he is ready maybe not. But I really don't have anything to lose. Any advice would be appreciated.

[midori]

but I think you blew it.

 

Does he still have feelings for you? Maybe ... but what seems pretty clear to me from what you've said is that he's not sure about it yet. He's not head over heels about you, that much is certain -- a guy who really cares about someone and knows it does not fail to answer the phone, does not leave a bar after being kissed by that someone. Etc.

 

So he's uncertain. You, on the other hand, have made your position all too clear. And that might have ruined your chances with him. When he was sure he had you (ie when you were together) he wasn't sure he wanted you. When it seemed like he didn't have you (when you were with the other guy) he wasn't sure that he didn't want you. The kiss took you back to square one: he knows he has you, if he wants you. And it looks like he's not sure about that.

 

The upshot of this (if there is one) is that while this sucks for you short-term, it's much better in the long-run to not start up anything with this guy again. Cause I'm guessing that, if you two did start up again, it would be under more or less the same circumstances. Or it would quickly head in that direction. I said before that you blew it -- but you didn't really, becase I don't think your hopes for a relationship with this guy would come to pass regardless of what you did or didn't do.

 

This guy likes you, maybe even quite a bit. But it sounds like that's as far as it goes for him. Whether it's because of what he sees in you specifically, or just where he is right now vis a vis love and relationships generally (my guess is the latter), he's not moving any mountains to be with you. He's not even staying in the bar. He's not even answering the phone.

 

I'll bet you're not going to take this advice (cause I've been where you are and I wouldn't have at the time either) but I think the best thing you could do would be to drop out of sight for a while. Go find some other bars to hang out in with your friends. Circulate with other people, do some different things. The worst thing you could do would be to keep yourself in his line of vision, for all intents and purposes holding up a sign that says, "here I am if you want me." You don't have to kiss him again, or even keep on talking to him to convey that message; hanging out in the same bar, throwing occasional covert looks at him and choreographing encounters on the way to the bathroom amounts to much the same. Demonstrating how much you "don't care" by blatanly not looking at him or talking to him won't work either. Whereas, if you stay out of sight, you greatly increase the chances that one of two things will happen (or even both): a. you'll get over him because you'll be meeting new people and you won't always be seeing him, or b. he'll become intrigued by the fact that you came onto him and then disappeared. Maybe he'll wonder where you went. Maybe he'll even go looking.

 

BUT you can't count on that happening. If you're at your new bar and staring at the door waiting for him to walk in looking for you, you won't be meeting new people and getting on with your life. If you plaster the neighborhood with subtle posters telling everyone who might want to know where you'll be on Friday night, you won't be mysterious. If you try to prod him at all, you'll just be alerting him to the fact that, yep, you're still in orbit around him. No mystery there.

 

Sorry. I'm pretty sure that's not what you were hoping to hear. But I speak from hard experience here. You've got to be tough with yourself and not, as a friend of mine once admonished me, "fertilize hope." Hope in this case needs to be weeded out, not nurtured. One thing you can be pretty sure of though: it's not you, it's him.

 

Good luck

[butterflyz]

right now you want this guy. you don't know how he feels about you. first and foremost i advocate staying away from him for a few reasons: you need time to think and let the rush settle down and see, if days later, you still feel the same way and you need to give him time to think too. calling him right away at 1:30 in the morning was an impulsive act (that we all have done) that let the guy know you still have feelings. now, to stay away and pretend like you don't is foolish and game playing.

 

you may want to give it one last shot. so, if that is the case this is my suggestion. right him a playful, but short and not needy note saying something like you were happy to see him, nice to see he's still sexy and if he's interested to drop you a line or call. then, leave it at that. if he calls, great. if he doesn't, then you are no worse off than you were earlier in the week.

[katie]

I appreciate it. I surrendered and called him last night and got his cell voicemail. Just saying it was good to see him and I told him I would like to be friends and gave him the option of calling me. I have his home number but didn't call it. I figured I would get his voicemail and I'm more comfortable leaving a message and giving him the option of calling me. We'll see what happens.