IN PAIN. OUT OF MY ELEMENT. (need - especially a woman's)

[sandy01]

This is my first time on this site and I would love a woman's insight on this.

 

My girlfriend of 2 years and I split about 3 weeks ago.She said she had never been single and needed to focus on herself for a while.

she and i met shortly after her divorce. we fell in love but did not

rush into living together. I could sense over the last couple weeks of the holidays something was on her mind. When she told me the "news" she was crying and said it made her heart ache but if she didn't do it she'd resent me later....

 

so that was it.

i left and didn't:

text her.

email her.

send flowers.

call her.

write a song.

drop in....

nada.

 

it hurt like heck but she didn't need a guy clutching her ankles while she left. to deal with starting Grad School, and fixing up her house, and her desire to just BE. and the idea of guiltless - wine, girls, movies, and on days off to just stay home....

 

A week ago while I was working, my phone rang at 10:30pm. A bit late for her - since she goes to sleep by 9:30 usually and gets up early. It rang again at Midnight (NO, SHE DOES NOT DRINK MUCH). Anyway the messages indicated that "she loved me, she was so relieved to hear the sound of my voice, and she hadn't taken advantage of my love...and the time I gave her helped her see she loved me. Her time to work on "her things" had helped her...She said she guessed, "you probably won't respond" but she wanted me to know that.

 

I did not respond. Why? I didn't understand what it meant.

 

it did not sound like a plan. It sounded like freeing herself of guilt. Still, in her mind it may have been a big move. I just don't know.

 

A day later around dinner the phone rang again. I did not answer. She said she realized i probbaly was not going to answer, but could i just PLEASE email her a number from a family spiritual advisor (uhh, don't ask, a well-known person my mother knew). The next day I got an email - subject box: marked PLEASE. that said; I UNDERSTAND you don't want to talk and i respect that, but can you just please send me that number. I need help on something and I will not bother you. I need help with something.

 

I feel a bit guilty - as I have not passed it on yet.

 

But I'm lost to get the meaning of her calls.

Was she reaching out?

Was she testing waters?

Was she just checking in?

 

I don't know.

 

I do miss her, and want to talk...but want to understand what's up here.

[Faith2]

Send her the number of the advisor. Don't comment on anything else. If she has something of real substance to say to you, she will. She asked for space, and you're giving it to her. There's no reason why you shouldn't give her that phone number. But at this point, nothing else.

[Carl321]

I concur with Faith 100%. Send an email with only the phone number. If she wants to tell you something more (i.e., a desire to reconcile), she will find a way to get that message to you. Nothing will stop a woman from doing that if she really feels it.

[Trialbyfire]

You could do a number of things:

 

1) Never return her messages;

2) give her your mother's phone number and tell her to get it herself;

3) give her the spiritual advisors phone number and give it to her with both barrels;

4) give her the spiritual advisors number and that's it.

 

It depends on where you want to get to. Since I'm at arms-length to this, I would take option 4. It removes one more excuse to contact you which I can see as a good thing. Time is an asset. Use it to get your head on straight. If she ever approaches you again when you're whole and not hurting badly, at least you are capable of making a more logical decision. If she never approaches you again, time heals if you allow it to.