4 years of NC

[Guest]

Im getting a lot of feedback here just reading but can't find a situation similar to my own.

 

I was an OW for 12 months and i know that after about 3 painful years of not hearing from him (yes only 3 years lol) i was fine ..accepted it was never to be..thought of him fondly and moved on.

He called me 3 weeks ago after just over 4 years of NC!!

What a horrible place to be put back at.

 

I had to hang up in a hurry and didn't ask why he was calling i felt like i'd been hit by a truck.

 

Impatience got the better of me and i called his home five days later as i had no other numbers. I know this got him busted.

Although unintentional and accidental its probably for the best.

Did my impatience cost me who i thought may have been the love of my life or did it save me from more heartache...

[torranceshipman]

Are you crazy! You just had 3 yrs of NC...I am sure that call didn't bust him and if he got in some trouble, hey, I am sure he lied himself out of it fine!

 

Seriously, if it was meant to be with this guy...he'd make himself single and THEN knock on your door. But no...he's got a W and STILL did it, so he is NOT a good choice! Aside from the fact that you haven't seen him for 3 yrs...

 

Honestly, these guys are like kids...

[whichwayisup]

Did my impatience cost me who i thought may have been the love of my life or did it save me from more heartache...

 

With this type of thinking, you better get yourself into therapy. I'm not joking either.

 

You did 4 years of NC, and you didn't move on?

 

He's still married and after 4 years still hasn't left his wife, the writing on the wall says he isn't going to leave her.

 

You're better off without him. Heal yourself and move on.

[Kwo-ne'-she]

Im getting a lot of feedback here just reading but can't find a situation similar to my own.

 

I was an OW for 12 months and i know that after about 3 painful years of not hearing from him (yes only 3 years lol) i was fine ..accepted it was never to be..thought of him fondly and moved on.

He called me 3 weeks ago after just over 4 years of NC!!

What a horrible place to be put back at.

 

I had to hang up in a hurry and didn't ask why he was calling i felt like i'd been hit by a truck.

I have been almost 2 yrs with NC, and know that if my ex decided to contact me now, it would knock the air out of me. There is no time limit on how long it takes to "get over" someone. I can relate to you saying you had moved on and was only occasionally thinking of him fondly- then BOOM! Right back to square one. (My ex appeared at a site I go to, and while he didnt contact me directly, just seeing him there was enough to set me back) Sometimes you meet someone you love that much, and I'm not sure that you ever stop loving them. Evenutually, you just accept you aren't going to be together, and go on as best you can.

 

Did my impatience cost me who i thought may have been the love of my life or did it save me from more heartache...

He may have been the love of your life, but you obviously weren't the love of his. Sorry to be so blunt, and please understand I am speaking from experiences of my own here too. If he loved you enough, he would be with you, not her. So the answer is, your impatience saved you from more heartache, which was sure to follow, had the two of you reconnected and resumed that relationship.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

Have you wondered why he called after all of that time? Maybe he's been pining away for you? My guess though is that he received some blow to his ego and needed a quick fix.

[Izzar]

Guest,

Before you hung up, did you happen to ask if he was divorced?

Just curious.

[woe_is_me]

Guest,

Before you hung up, did you happen to ask if he was divorced?

Just curious.

 

Thanks for your replies.. i've registered now and yes Izzar it was one of the first things i asked him.. he married at 20 and and i think he's been married 19 years or something now..?

 

And WhichWay i did move on.. HE called ME ..i couldnt eat or sleep properly for 4 days..i just felt sick and since finding this forum i now realise why. I went through some sort of abandonment recovery..its not until now that i realised he actually abandonded me... and that his re-emergence after 4 years was like hearing from the walking dead. You're right though a friend of mine even suggested talking to someone. MMs have a knack for making u think you're crazy.

 

We laughed a lot together .. i never made demands..he lived 90 mins drive away.. and i didn't really understand why it had to end.. I was so used to him and all his surprise visits/phone calls. Many tears in the end though i think he hated seeing me cry.

 

One particular thread i found yesterday was a real wake up call

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t79069/

i felt really sorry for this poster and i guess MM has told his W that im just psycho and crazy (he knows im not) i only called there ONCE and torranceshipman .. who knows ..he's good..lying his way out of it wouldn't surprise me one bit.

 

I know W was suspcious 5 yrs ago.. dont know her and ive never seen her

Now she has to deal with the fact that her husbands called the same girl 5 years later (not that she knows that fact) she probably thinks im a stalker.

 

So if he's been pining then good! He had the last 4 years to work on his marriage or get out of it ..and has he? NO!

Instead he bought a Harley! priorities ..right!

 

I don't know what to do ..so im going to do nothing.

An evil little part of me still knows i have a lot of evidence/proof that would nail his ass and make him wish he'd just paid for a whore instead.

But he knows im not like that and would've caused trouble all those years ago was i ever going to..

 

I was married at 22 and my xH had a one night stand when i was 26.. i didn't kick his butt to the curb till i was 29 (he didn't ever want to leave) 3 years it took me to realise i couldnt forgive and/or trust him. We are great friends now though.

Its hard for me to understand because i couldn't trust again and it was only a one night stand.

How some of these BWs like it and lump it and put up with serial cheating is beyond me. I guess it's all financial/material and or children.

MM hasn't called me again since that day 4 weeks ago .. not even to ask me why or how i rang his house in reply.. so nice of him to let me know/fill me in... *shrugs*

[hardknocks]

my advice - and I give this one often...

 

Step 1. Get a good therapist and go often

Step 2. Find a good guy and make love to him constantly

Step 3. REPEAT

 

You think I am joking and I am not. You will feel much better.

[woe_is_me]

Thanks hardknocks .. i know i have help available if it really gets that tough.. all the advice on these boards helps me immensely ..friends end up rolling their eyes when i get like a broken record so this forum is fantastic therapy for now..

You know i did try dating the last few years but my heart and soul just arent/werent in it.. maybe i was hung up on MM.. i did meet a fantastic guy during that time though (recently divorced) this was 2004 and to this day he has remained divorced bought himself a house lovely looking guy he even has his hair still! (not like MM) still..none of that mattered MM convinced me that no-one would compare..for either of us..

In a way i think recent events have changed my feelings for MM his calling me out of the blue to check if he still had my life suspended right where he wanted it had KO'd me a bit and even changed the memories i had of him.

There are no answers here just a million different scenarios with a million different beginnings and endings..

And you know a laugh with my friends at work and a smile and a wave from my neighbour mean sooooo much more on days when i'm wondering why he did this... these are people he will never know...and that tells me the affair isn't/wasn't healthy or natural..

Mr not so now recently divorced and i still stay in touch he's forever asking me to catch up..we were both unsure back in 04 as we were both damaged goods.. our friendship has remained strong though and he is fully aware of everything ive been/gone through with MM its just that we didnt have the full on physical intimacy that went on in the A..and i kind of find it hard to settle for anybody just to 'have somebody' and i didnt want single guy hurt ... so i DO see your point and i know ur not joking .. thanks again for listening..

[magichands]

Sometimes you meet someone you love that much' date=' and I'm not sure that you ever stop loving them. Evenutually, you just accept you aren't going to be together, and go on as best you can.[/quote']

I can totally relate to that. Four years, ten years, whatever... time is relative.

 

Unfortunately I was born way too late to collect the Nobel for that one.

 

Oh. And love is eternal. True love.

[torranceshipman]

Hey woe is me, thanks for the shout out!

[Kwo-ne'-she]

I can totally relate to that. Four years, ten years, whatever... time is relative.

 

Unfortunately I was born way too late to collect the Nobel for that one.

 

Oh. And love is eternal. True love.

Well, some don't understand when you aren't magically over an ex within a yr or so. When I fall in love that deeply, it isn't something I can shut off. I can move on, and accept it isn't going to happen, but the love for that person is still there. I'm just not as fickle as some people.

[confused4awhile]

I'm always amazed that these people are described as "love of my life" and etc etc etc...

 

Read my story in a search one day

 

 

I'm out of my 6 year love triangle as the "OW"(I ENDED IT and found the REAL love of my life an honest, caring, loving man who was willing to put me FIRST) and after lots and lots of therapy let me share just this:

 

TRUE LOVE = RESPECT!!!!!!!

 

Sorry to come off blunt or "mean" but understand this...love can not exist without HONESTY and RESPECT...

 

Have both for yourself and move on with your life and don't worry about WHY this loser called. I have to agree with the comment about needing EGO feed. That's who these people work

[puddleofmud]

Wow! I can certainly understand your feelings because I have recently had someone unexpectedly "evaporate" into the ether and agree that one's feeling about this may never really "go away".

As well, being that I am convinced that (he) ex-MM is the type who is so insecure and terrified of being alone; must have a woman up his butt at all times, would also be the type to "check" in at some point.

I think he would only do so (and I am not implying anything about your situation, but thinking only of mine) if he were to be...let's say..."without" or feeling abandoned and needing a quick "fix" ie emotional connection.

What I would think at the time would be that the affair he must have had after me (or the fourth or fifth) had ended and he had no immediate prospect, the poor baby!

This isn't particurlarly wishful thinking but admittedly there is some part of me that will always "wonder"....and I believe that since I have been so ill treated that I have the RIGHT to wonder as long as I am not obsessing. I only obsess on Mon, Wed, and Fri...and three minutes on Sunday... I also obsess over how many "s's" are in obsess...

Yet, if this would happen I would hope that I would be so OVER it that I would be so happily non-concerned that my attitude would just kick him in the nuts

At this point "he" would not survive a conversation with me so it would behoove him to wait at least four years!

Gosh, it is just unbelievable what some of these guys "do", isn't it???

Then, again, they are transparent as glass and as predictable as a tea-kettle set on high heat...

Some of them need to just suck their thumbs and cling to their security blankets and leave the female population alone!

[woe_is_me]

Thats exactly what he did puddle all those years ago ..evaporate! i read your story the other day also and could totally relate.. I don't know if mine had other women besides me i'd like to think i was special but my mother sometimes asks me how many others have there been..and she has an uncanny nack of being right..

And 'checking in' is EXACTLY what he was doing.. If he was calling me to see if the door was open just a crack well then i kicked it right back in his face by calling his home phone..if he was THAT worried about being caught the silly boy should've done his homework... Like old times he thought he had alllll the balls in his court and i've so aced him!

 

Im now seeing him for the weasel that he is/was and i know I'm getting back to the me that i was after he evaporated last time.. i read once in another thread that once the A is out in the light the MM will usually throw the OW under the bus..which is what i guess has happened to me..

He is no longer the first THING i think of when i wake up..

And my advice now to Other Women would be to somehow get the philanderer busted then you will see the true him..you wont like it and he wont like you either because he's not in control anymore..(easy for me to sit here and say as i could never have done it deliberately)

Since i called him back W now has put her initial there and cell phone number..does she really think im going to call her!?? He's done nothing but made me feel like Glenn Close from fatal attraction .. I'm not sure how i'd feel if he called again ..not impressed thats for sure.

Thank you to everyone on these boards for all your advice in every post re. this situation. Some is a bitter pill to swallow but thats because its the truth!