2nd, 3rd, 4th Chance

[adk]

I have been seeing a guy for 7 months, I just broke it off with him 2 weeks ago. The reasons are many, but the final straw was no Valentines greeting, he didn't even call me, till the next day and couldn't figure out why I was so hurt. He said I would have told you happy valentines day when you called me. This is not the first screw up that he has had. There have been many. I just kept giving him more chances, because I am a firm believer in 2nd chances, however, am I just being stupid here or am I right? I don't know now. He keeps telling me he's sorry, and that he is a train wreck, and that I totally blindsided him with this break-up? Any advice?

[pink smartie]

I don't believe in second chances. Especially not when in a case like yours where he manages to make it your responsibility that he ignored Valentine's day.

 

I broke up with a guy because he forgot to congratulate me the day I defended a thesis. I believe it proved what I had suspected all along: our relationship was all about him and not about me.

 

And I had given him lots of chances beforehand.

 

You are broken up right now. Unless you want to be with someone with whom you will have to guide through all of your relationship, stay away.

[Tony T]

Pink Smartie is right on target. There are a tremendous number of selfish, self centered, narcissistic baxtards out there. The purpose of dating is to sort them out and eliminate them before they've had a chance to mix their DNA with yours and produce MORE narcissistic baxtards.

 

I hate to tell you...I'm a bit older here...but I find it rare to observe thoughtful younger people. They are out there but in far fewer numbers than when I was in my 20's, not all that long ago. People are generally no longer considerate, think much about themselves, seldom appreciate what you do for them, rarely say thank you and have this entitlement attitude. Does anybody know where that came from.

 

To all the sweet ladies out there who are kind, thoughtful, sincere, generous, forgiving, loving, etc., my sincere sympathies to you because the population of like minded men out there for the picking has dramatically decreased. Same goes for the female population.

 

Frankly, for somebody to not acknowledge Valentine's Day after seeing a lady for seven months...that borders on total stupidity......unless he was trying to send a loud message. If that was the case, it sounds like you got it.

 

Good luck in your quest for a decent man!!!

[oppath]

Did you discuss valentine's day plans before the day and agree to do nothing? Not calling is a BIG no-no. I would have told him straight up that it pissed you off. My ex, who I dated for almost 6 months, failed to call me back on Christmas (she did, but I was back east visiting my family, and she called me at 1am my time. I was pissed. Her attitude was "I did call" but I went to bed without having spoken to my gf on Christmas. She did dump me a couple weeks later, but looking back, I should have been more firm with her and not accepted her weak answers).

 

Could you list some of the other things? It sounds like you can have a better relationship than what he would offer. Of course I would call my girl on Valentine's. I'd call a girl I'd been dating for 1 month, even if it was not exclusive. I can't imagine not making some effort even if both people felt it was a stupid holiday.

 

Also, what reasons did you give him for the break up? How honest were you? Did you give him a clear idea of what you expect/need?

 

Finally, what can you learn from this relationship? Did you assert your needs and desires early on, or did you just turn a blind eye every time he didn't act as you wanted. If you never expressed your needs and expectations in the relationship as things come up, that is a behavior that you can change in your next relationship. I am not excusing this guy's behavior at all and it sounds like you made the right choice in dumping him, but both men and women can be absent minded or neglectful at times, and a partner can't project his/her expectations onto another and count a strike against that person each time they fail to meet those expectations. As an example, my ex is of the opinion to always share food. She almost broke up with me after our 6th or 7th date because we were both ravenous, and got take out from a chicago-style hot dog place. I got a dog, she got a burger. I inhaled my dog in maybe 30 seconds and did not offer her a bite. To her, that was a large yellow flag. I had no idea since we weren't sitting at a nice restaurant. This came up again on another date when I ordered something she was considering getting because I really wanted it. She wanted to get another dish and we'd share 50/50. Me not wanting to share because I only wanted what I ordered violated her expectations of a loving relationship. My expectations were different: she could have some of mine but I didn't want anything else. I truly did not. She had to express this expectation to me and we better compromised on future dates.

[brisman]

It's only been 7 months and therefore your first Valentines day with him. Maybe he doesn't care to acknowledge a silly Hallmark day.

 

I think you've gone way over the top. Seriously, with all the problems people and relationships can have, "he didn't call me on Valentine's day" is a bit precious, don't you think ?

[AriaIncognito]

7 months is a long time, to tell her to not expect a "happy valentines day" from her s/o is pretty crappy. What a sad statement to say that 7 months invested into a relationship isn't grounds for a simple statement on a "holiday". Not like it was hard. Heck, my ex even wished me one and we'd broken up a few weeks prior. (and no, he didn't wish me one to get me back as he doesn't know he wants to be in a relationship)

 

I think she had every right to be disappointed in his actions. If she talked to him about it, and he's trying to turn it around and blame it on her, instead of just saying he's sorry, then quite frankly, I think she did the right thing.

[thecount]

Brisman, Damn bro, you must have some romantic heart. lol -- He's wrong, even if he doesn't like that "Hallmark" holiday doesn't mean he can't at the very least call her. It's total lack of respect. She's right to be upset.

 

Damn my ex who has no soul found the time to do something for me. i didnt' expect it. But she shocked the hell out of me.

 

Even if it's just a month you were together. You can make the time to say Happy Valentines day. it isn't that difficult.