From LDR to living together to breakup to NC to…what next?

[Faith2]

I couldn’t decide which forum to post my thread in, until I realized that the “what next” scenario I really want most of all is reconciliation and getting back together with him. Here’s our story…

 

Three years ago (early 2004) he responded to my post on a music forum. He’s an amateur jazz musician and he was interested in performing my father’s music, which I was doing research on (my father was a jazz composer who committed suicide when I was a baby). He became my brilliant research partner online – he was in Germany, with me in the US. Our affectionate friendship steadily grew into romance. We became absolutely addicted to each other, spending 5-6 hours daily emailing, IMing, and on the phone. We finally met in person 18 months later when he came to see me in autumn 2005. The chemistry was explosive. We spent 10 intense days together, then he returned home – both of us in tears at the airport.

 

Back in Germany, he “broke up” with me out of despair, unable to see how we could ever be together again – my home and career are solidly here in the US, whereas he was finishing his master’s thesis and launching his career in Germany. But we just couldn’t let go of each other, and he asked me to come see him in Europe. I wanted to go but I couldn’t afford it. Finally he begged me to meet him in Paris for New Year’s and said he’s pay for everything (he has a trust fund). I accepted, and we spent a romantic week together, first in Paris and then at his place in Germany.

 

When I got back home, he emailed and “broke up” again for the same reasons – he couldn’t figure out how to be together again, and being apart in LDR was just too painful for both of us. But again we couldn’t let go, so he came back to the US to see me for another week in February 2006, and again in April for a month – during those visits we worked out a plan for him to come and live with me for one year on a student visa. He was accepted in a post-grad program here for fall 2006. Meanwhile, for my birthday he paid for another trip for me to go see him in Europe – so last summer we spent a beautiful week together in Italy.

 

We were passionately in love, but the LDR was a terrible strain on us. We had horrible fights and misunderstandings – we broke up and reconciled over and over again. During one of our breakups, he wrote: “We have been at similar points before, me asking you to let me go or you telling me that you were through with me. It came so that it almost didn't seem to mean anything, because we would always get back with each other, trying to continue what looked so promising.” Ultimately, we were both convinced that the strain of our LDR was damaging us in many ways – emotionally, financially, and also other aspects of our individual lives were neglected because so much time and energy went into keeping our LDR going. We pinned all our hopes on living together during his post-grad work – then we would know whether he could adapt and go on to make a career here in the US, and whether we could be happy together for the long term, even thinking of marriage if everything worked out well.

 

We had a bumpy period of adjustment for the first two months, then things were smooth and harmonious and happy. He was getting excellent grades and reviews from his professors. He was getting lots of good connections to play music. My own work was getting back on track – the LDR had done a lot of damage to my freelance income because so much time had been spent online every day, but now I could focus on my work again and get my cashflow up and healthy again. Everything was looking up.

 

But then his parents came into the picture. They had always been rumbling in the background, disapproving of our relationship. He’s an only child, they’re in their mid 70s, and they don’t want him making a life halfway around the world from them. They want him home in Germany, looking after them in their old age, finding a German girl to marry and give them grandchildren before they die. (I’m unable to have children.) They fought against him every time he came to see me. They told him he has no future with me. He stood up to them every time – but not this time in December.

 

He had lied to them before he came here on the student visa. He didn’t tell them it was for one year because he was afraid they’d freak. So he told them it was only a 4-month program, and he’d be back for Christmas. In early December, he phoned them to say he wanted to continue his studies for 8 more months. They put their foot down and said if he stayed in the US with me, they would cut him off completely – disinherit him and cut him out of their lives. He caved into their ultimatum, dropped out of the university, broke up with me, and went back to Germany in mid-December. He could have chosen to stay, he could have stood up to them – he has enough money of his own in his trust fund – but he left me. He’s been gone for two and a half months now. He’s 30 years old, living with his parents, collecting unemployment, and supposedly looking for a job but hasn’t found anything yet.

 

As soon as he got back to Germany, I made all the mistakes – I begged, argued, cajoled, and scolded, I forwarded emails from our mutual friends who were appalled at what he’d done. All it did was make him get even more defensive. I tried to go no contact twice, then I broke it twice. His emails became distant and dull, no more sweetness or love in them. We talked on the phone a few times, but his parents can hear through the wall so he had to talk in a hoarse whisper. I got so angry and frustrated that I said some horrible things and broke it off – again. Then I regretted what I’d said, and I didn’t want that to be the last thing for him to remember me by. I felt like a fool but I emailed again and apologized. And then finally I wrote a good-bye email – no recriminations, no analyzing or criticizing – just remembering the good things we had brought into each other’s lives. And then I said no contact anymore. That was 15 days ago and there’s been no contact at all.

 

So here I am, wanting him back so badly but I have no idea how to make it happen. The only shred of hope I cling to is the thing that brought us together originally – which is, to bring him back into my life as my research partner again on the project about my father. In the past few weeks, he’s told me many times that he would love to do it again. Up until now, I’ve rejected the idea because I’ve been afraid that my emotions would overwhelm me. But now, I’m willing to try – and I do need his help because he has all the musical knowledge that I lack. Yet I don’t want to contact him directly now that I’ve announced no contact – but I know if I post a general query on that music forum again, he’ll see it and reply.

 

Am I being stupid? Is it utterly hopeless?

[princesspeaches]

I'm not exactly sure what kind of responses you are looking for. My mother dated a german man for many years and his parents did everything in their power to break them up. Ultimately they succeeded and they broke up. He's with the german girl that that had picked out for him. - His parents are never going to change, and if he can't stand up to them now he never will be able to. He obviously values money over love and that's sad. My S/o just realized that without real love you have nothing. Him and I did the email thing. When he left I sent so many emails at first they were lovely and then they became mean because I wanted him to know how bad I hurt. But I could never let the last thing I said to him be mean. I've got tons of emails to him. I waited for him to realize what he was missing. He has and he's set up a life in texas. I know I love him enough to move there for him because its important to him. But like I said, I don't know what exactly you are looking for for responses. I don't think that you are being stupid. I don't think that anything is ever hopeless. It is what you make it. Post the query, but ignore his response. You don't want to move, he doesn't want to leave his money. I don't really see how that can work out in the long run? I think that working with him on the research together isn't a good idea if you aren't clear about where you two stand. but that's just my thinking.

[Faith2]

Thanks for your reply. I admit I'm not very clear myself on what I want from him now. I go up and down with the NC - feeling relieved one day, depressed the next day, and so on. Most of all, I'm sad that I've lost not only the love of my life but also the best research partner I could ask for. His help was invaluable.

 

I admit that the underlying motive of getting him back on the research project would be to also get him back together with me completely. After all, we were able to overcome the distance many other times. But that was before his parents came on so heavy-handed. Last year he was living in his own apartment 100 miles away from them - but he gave up that place when he moved to the US. Now he's living with them, and he's turned into a different person - weak, meek, bland, and insecure - they really did a number on him. And here I am, 5000 miles away and powerless to fight against them. He's right under their roof AND right under their thumb.

 

Or maybe the personality change happened because he's fallen out of love with me...?

 

If I can get him back on the research project, we could conduct it solely by email - I believe I could handle it that way without getting emotional. I couldn't handle any phone calls - it's just too creepy knowing that his parents can hear him through the wall.

[Faith2]

He beat me to it! Here I've been wavering for the past few days, trying to figure out what to post on that music forum in order to get his attention without being too obvious. But he totally surprised me yesterday when HE posted a query about an obscure piece of my father's music - apparently he's found some documents I've been looking for, and he's dangling the bait to get me to break NC.

 

I've just been sitting back since yesterday and feeling all the emotions washing over me that this stirs up. Right now I kinda like it - I like the fact that he's making this first move. I think I should stay quiet and wait for him to contact me directly.

 

Any thoughts? God, I miss him so much.